“I’m not ready for this—whatever this is.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it, Kai. Don’t placate me. I’m not ready for anything serious.”
“Is that what you told Luc?”
She didn’t reply.
“Why did you come home with me that night? There was a guy right under your nose you could’ve been with.”
“I knew Luc would want more. I didn’t think you would.”
“You thought you were safe.” I sat up and stretched, glad she watched my every move. “Hate to break it to you, darlin’, but you’re not safe. Not from the way I make you feel.”
“Stop it.”
“Stop what? Do you think I like knowing I want you, and there’s nothing I can do about it?” Tears fell down her magnolia cheeks. “Your mother just died,” my voice was a whispered caress, “let me be here for you.”
She collapsed onto the floor, and I went to her, wrapping my arms around her. Leaning against me, she shook with sobs. When she cried, she put her whole body into it—nothing about Sage was passive.
“How can you be here for me? You’re not even here for yourself.”
Was she right? I’d been running for so long I didn’t feel winded anymore.
“I was drinking a lot,” I admitted, “before we met.” It was an extreme understatement. How would she react if I told her there were weeks, months that were nothing more than a blurred recollection?
“It’s only been two weeks since we met, Kai. Do you see such a drastic change in yourself already?”
I cocked my head to the side. “Do you?”
We were at a standstill—she wiped her face, slid out of my embrace, and stood.
“Nothing can be resolved in a day, Sage.”
“So what do we do?”
I grinned. “We eat breakfast.”
•••
I didn’t want to leave, worried that if I did Sage would disappear like a thought just out of reach. I needed her.
I loved her.
When her hand lingered on my shoulder and she leaned into my mouth, I swallowed the words and almost choked on them. They didn’t go down easy. I touched her hair and then left.
The winter day was crisp but clear as I walked to my studio. Grabbing my mandolin, I went into the café, ate a croissant, and washed it down with an espresso. I played until late afternoon. As I packed up, a man in his late twenties approached me.
“You’re good,” he said in an Irish lilt.
I looked at him. “Thanks, but why did you speak to me in English?”
The man gestured to my University of Tennessee baseball cap. I wondered if I should start carrying around a hotdog, so I could drive home the point that no one could be more American than me.
“Dorian,” the man introduced, and I shook his hand. “A friend of mine and I have a band. Wondering if you wanted to jam with us.”
“Two man band? What kind of music?”
Dorian grinned. “Irish, of course.”
“Of course,” I said with a smile.
“I play the guitar, and Finn plays the fiddle. I thought a mandolin might be a nice addition.”
I didn’t have to think about it. “Sounds like a good time.”
“Do you know McCool’s on La Rue du Commerce? We jam there. Patrons are pretty forgiving, especially on the weekend. You free tonight?”
“I am.”
“Seven sound good?”
“Sure.”
•••
I wander through the forest, the sound of trickling water reaching my ears. Leaves crunch under my feet and my hands are cold as I shove them into pockets. The trees are slick with frost, but the familiar noises I associate with nature don’t exist. No chirping birds, no humming insects—only my breath. When I come to the clearing, I stop.
“About time you got here,” Reece says.
“Sorry, this is a new path.”
“You were annoyed that we kept meeting at the lake.”
“True. This is a nice change of scenery.” I take a seat next to my old friend, blood turning to ice—my heart is in danger of bursting. “Were you afraid?”
“Of death?”
I shake my head. “Of life.”
“The unknown scares you, doesn’t it?” Reece hops off the rock and walks around barefoot, the cold not affecting him.
“What’s the point of it all?” I ask him.
“Going all existentialist on me?”
I laugh. “It’s been on my mind lately.”
“Tell me about the girl.”
“Sage.”
“Tell me about Sage. She’s different, isn’t she?”
“Very.”
“So you meet this woman, and suddenly you’re wondering what life is about?”
I breathe deeply. “I feel like I’ve found someone special, and I’m worried she’s going to leave me.”
“You’re allowed to be happy. Don’t waste time worrying about things you can’t control.”
“Is that what I’m doing?” My tone is callous.
“Just live, Kai.”
Chapter 14
Sage
I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across my face as I stepped into the Irish pub. It looked like a bar straight out of Dublin, yet it was nestled in the Old Square of Tours in the heart of the Loire Valley.
I was ordering a glass of Bushmills when I felt a body sidle up next to me. Swiveling my head, I smiled. “Hello, stranger.”
Kai greeted me by pulling me close and running his hand along my jaw. His blue-gray eyes were flinty with promise. Our familiarity knew no bounds—eyes and bodies spoke when words weren’t enough.
“I wondered when you’d show up. We’re almost ready to go on.”
I looked past him towards the two men on stage. I had met Dorian and Finn a week ago; they were charming Irishmen with easy smiles. The crowd was growing eager, and I didn’t want to keep him. “Maybe I should find a seat?”
He winked. “I found a spot for you, come on.”
Grabbing my drink, I followed. He sat me at a small table off to the side of the stage so I would have a perfect view of the band. I kissed him and whispered, “Break a leg.”
While the musicians were tuning their instruments, my gaze wandered around the bar. A young man with a group of friends peered at me with unconcealed interest. I broke eye contact, focusing my attention on Kai. I was grateful when the music started.
Kai’s smile brought a pool of tears to my eyes—I felt his joy. This moment, this happiness, was all for him. Was this how he looked when he was fishing, or when he was with his two best friends, who were now gone? When we were together, did he feel the same way?
The band played a fast paced jig, and the crowd roared in delight. Dorian, the singer, had a strong, clear voice. Throughout their set, Kai’s gaze would find mine and linger, making me warm all over.
In the middle of a song, I rose to fetch another drink. I attempted to catch the bartender’s attention, but he was busy flirting with a blonde at the other end of the bar.
“Buy you a drink?”
I turned to the voice—it was the young man who’d been watching me. He was tall and thin, with a wide, crooked smile. His brown eyes looked their fill, and liked what they saw.
“No, thanks,” I dismissed.
“You have a boyfriend?”
“Yes.” It was a lie. Kai and I hadn’t talked about it, but even if we had, Kai didn’t encompass the word—he was more, but I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself, let alone to a stranger.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Your choice.”
“Let me buy you a drink,” he insisted.
“I’m just here to enjoy the music.”
“Dinner then—let me take you to dinner.”
His persistence annoyed me. Resolute that I wouldn’t be able to get another drink, I went to leave, but the man grabbed me by my upper arms. “What the hell?” I yelled, attempting to fight h
im off. He kissed me, and I gagged on the taste of beer and street vendor food.
The young man pulled back, looking pleased with himself even as he swayed, barely able to stand upright. “Now you want to go out with me, don’t you?”
The band played on, but the sounds of Kai’s mandolin were suddenly absent. Before I could register why, a fist came out of nowhere and collided with the Frenchman’s jaw. My head whipped around to find Kai shaking out his hand and cursing under his breath. The drunken Frenchman slumped against the bar, his tongue lolling in his head. I might have found it comical if I hadn’t been in outright shock.
The bartender started yelling for us to leave, and I managed to coerce Kai out of the pub before the Frenchman’s friends came after us. “What the hell were you thinking?” I demanded, my voice booming across the cobblestones.
“I wasn’t.”
“Clearly.” I glared at him. “I was about to slap his face.”
“Really?” Kai raised his eyebrows, the set of his shoulders taut with anger.
“Really. I know you’re Southern, but come on.”
“His lips were on yours,” Kai said through a clenched jaw.
“I’m well aware of that fact, and I didn’t like it any more than you did.”
He took a step closer to me, his face harsh, almost grotesque in the moonlight. “Don’t pretend to be offended by what I’ve done. Do us both a favor and admit you liked it—liked me fighting for you.”
“Fuck you!”
He yanked me into his arms and kissed me. The breath left my body, and I wrapped myself around him, hating him for speaking the truth, and hating myself for knowing it. I shoved him away and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, as if I could remove the taste of him. I had pieced a life together around a man, and I hadn’t been aware I’d done it. I’d stopped thinking of Kai as something temporary. When had it all changed?
He took my chin in his hand, compelling me to look at him. Kai with a steady gaze was more unnerving than Kai with unknowable intensity. Unable to say all the things I wanted to, I said instead, “You’re were supposed to be a seed and blow where the wind carried you. You weren’t supposed to stay.”
“I wish you’d show me what you write in those journals. The ones you talk to when you can’t talk to me.”
“Why?”
“I want to know you.”
“You know me fine.”
His stare was unflinching. “I want to know your heart, and I think you put it in those pages.”
I took a deep breath and forced myself to admit, “I’m not some great mystery, Kai. My mother’s death wrecked me, and I barely survived. You’ll wreck me, too. Maybe forever.”
“You think I’ll continue to wander, don’t you?”
“When was the last time you felt the urge to stay?”
“I’ve never spent more than one night with the same woman. Don’t you get that?”
I couldn’t tell him he was a love ballad, a song that would play in my blood long after he’d left me for someone else.
“I need some ice,” he muttered.
“Don’t you have to go back in there and continue?”
“I effectively ended the set. Besides, I don’t think I can flex my fingers to play.”
We began to walk in the direction of my cottage.
“You’re falling in love with me,” he stated, putting his arm around my shoulder. “That’s why you’re upset. Not because I punched some guy who deserved it.”
I didn’t reply because I wasn’t falling in love—I’d crashed into it, and it gripped me in an unyielding embrace.
I was already there.
•••
Kai was on the couch, cradling his hand in his lap while I filled a bag with ice. Handing it to him, I sat and stared into the blazing fire I’d lit upon arriving home. The bottle of bourbon on the coffee table was open; we didn’t bother with glasses. I took a swallow out of it and then handed it to him.
“It’s a good thing people can’t die from guilt,” he said.
“You don’t have to feel guilty anymore—I forgive you for treating me like a trophy.” My tone was full of brevity.
He grinned in sardonic humor. “I’m not talking about that.” He took a long drink from the bottle. “I was supposed to be in the plane.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Kai was silent for so long, I didn’t know if he’d speak again. “It was a little two-seater, and Tristan was flying. We were celebrating because he’d gotten his pilot’s license. I won rock, paper, scissors, but Reece looked so depressed I let him go instead of me.”
“Holy shit,” I whispered.
Flames danced in his eyes as he leaned over and pressed his lips to my throat, saying words against my skin. “Please don’t leave me out here alone. Let me in.”
I placed a hand on his chest, the steady beating of his heart solid and reassuring. Kai covered my hand with his and then brought it to his lips. My breath hitched, and I tried to hide my tears, but they came and I couldn’t stop them. “I already have, Kai.”
He pulled me to him. “Damn, what you do to me.”
“Do you regret leaving?”
“I regret how I left.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t even leave a note. I just…left. Do you judge me for that?” His gaze was open, honest, and he hid nothing, including the blackest parts of himself.
I shook my head. “I’d be seven shades of hypocrite if I did. I haven’t spoken to my best friend in weeks. I silence her calls. I ignore her emails.”
“Do you have any regrets? About leaving New York?”
“No. I left a job that meant nothing. I couldn’t stay with Connor and pretend my mother’s death didn’t change everything,” I touched his face, “but you left behind your entire family. How are you supposed to come back from that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know who I am anymore,” he said, like it was a revelation.
“Would your friends want this? You feeling guilty because you lived and they died?”
“Don’t tell me they would have done any better if I had been the one who died. You’ll never know them, and they’ll never know you.”
“Tell me about them. It will only give me a vague idea, but tell me anyway.”
He took my hand. “Reece was quiet until you got to know him. He liked to watch things…people. Tristan though—that kid jumped in knee-deep before any of us decided to follow. He got into so much trouble.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“He smoked and drank—bought a motorcycle, that sort of thing. Ran around with a bunch of women, but then he fell in love with Lucy.”
“Lucy?”
“His wife. Life is so unfair.”
“It is,” I stated. “How did she manage to get Tristan to settle down?”
Kai laughed; it was the first genuine sound of happiness that had come out of his mouth all evening. “We met Lucy in fourth grade. She was this gangly girl with freckles covering every inch of her face, huge glasses, and hair more orange than red. But she got super hot around the time we were in high school, and she understood Tristan like no one else. She didn’t berate him for drinking or smoking, and when he found acceptance in her, he fell hard and fast. I didn’t understand it…not until now.” He touched my cheek and smiled. “If this is what healing feels like, I’ll take it.”
I wanted to crawl into him and bury myself. I could no longer hold back the tears.
“Ah, darlin’,” he mumbled into my hair, letting me sob out my anguish.
Hope, tinged with despair permeated my voice as I asked, “Do you think we have a chance at happiness? We’ve both lost so much.”
He smiled before capturing my lips, demanding and greedy. We were rough, clawing at each other in zealous passion. It was devastating, so complete, leaving nothing but heated breaths and desire. When we lay together, spent and exhausted, Kai pulled the blanket from the couch over us.
“Tell me,” I demanded, knowing he would know what I needed.
“I love you.”
His declaration was my salvation.
Chapter 15
Sage
“Where are you going?” I whispered the next morning.
Kai grinned and pressed a kiss to my exposed shoulder. “My, how the tables have turned since we first met.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I teased as I stroked his face. “Don’t even think about shaving.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“So where are you going?”
“I want to track down Dorian and Finn and apologize for last night. See if I ruined our place to jam.”
“Can I convince you to shower first?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Will you join me?”
After, I kissed him on the lips and saw him off, then went in search of Luc. We would have to coexist, and I refused to avoid him any longer. I found Armand instead.
“Walk with me,” he said. We ambled through vines that were still quiet, still waiting for spring. I rolled my shoulders, wanting to stretch and open like a new flower.
“How are you settling in?”
“It’s weird. I feel like I’ve been here forever.”
“Magic of this place,” he agreed with a grin. He turned serious. “You can talk to me. I mean, I know it’s probably easier with Celia, but I knew your mother, too.”
It was a knife to my heart, a reminder that I’d gone on living. I’d told Kai that Tristan and Reece would want him to find peace, find happiness. Would my mother have been any different?
Death was hardest on those left behind.
“Tell me a story about my mother.”
“Did she ever tell you about the time she wanted to learn to work in the fields?”
“No, she didn’t.”
“She got so sunburned, she looked like a crispy chicken.”
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