He had buried his grief for his lost child because Helen had gone to pieces and he’d needed to keep it together to help her through her depression. And he’d still had to be there for his patients. He’d been giving to everyone and feeling that no one had really understood him. His friends had helped, especially Conor, but they had their own lives, problems and joys, and he’d not felt able to explain the extent of his inner torment. He’d gone off the rails for a few weeks. Never the type to lose himself in a bottle or chase after a load of women, he had drowned his pain by taking far too many stupid risks out climbing and mountain biking, not caring if he hurt himself—or if he ever came back. Conor and Nic had saved his rear more than once and had talked some sense into him, hauling him back on track again. And Conor was a patient and understanding listener. Kyle had talked—a lot—just never quite getting to the core of the pain inside him, never really letting go and grieving properly.
Penny, new to the practice, had been sympathetic, full of advice, taking it upon herself to befriend both him and Helen, spending time with each of them. But things had worsened, not improved, the gaping chasm between him and Helen continuing to widen instead of close. He’d thrown himself into work while Helen had turned to Colin, an old childhood friend of theirs from school—and, unbeknown to him, Helen’s former boyfriend while he’d been away at medical school. The man she said she wished she had married in the first place.
Kyle closed his eyes on the memories, the pain, his body rigid with tension, a nerve pulsing along his jaw. Setting down the photograph, he scrubbed his hands over his face, wishing he could wipe out everything that had happened, make it all go away.
Alex stood at the door to Kyle’s room and bit her lip, uncertain about disturbing him. He had his eyes closed and was clearly tired, a dark shadow of stubble outlining the strength of his jaw and adding to his masculine good looks. She hated to bother him, but she really did need to tell him about Bill Campbell. Sucking air into her lungs, trying to ignore the way her pulse sped up just at the sight of him, she tapped on the door.
He looked up, dark lashes lifting slowly, and the pain revealed in his tortured eyes took her breath away.
CHAPTER FIVE
‘KYLE, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ He shook his head, whether trying to convince her or himself she didn’t know. ‘What did you want, Alexandra?’
She hesitated a moment, aching for him, wanting to help but scared of overstepping his boundaries. He was so controlled, so guarded…yet clearly enduring so much inner torment. Had he heard about Conor and Kate’s baby? Had that news put the sadness on his face? Deciding to play things cool for now, she outlined the issues regarding her visit to Bill Campbell yesterday, seeing Kyle frown, his concern increasing as she explained about the problems and about finding the pressure sore.
‘Why on earth has no one reported this before?’ he demanded, dragging his fingers through his hair in agitation.
‘I don’t know.’ She paused, unwilling to launch straight into a verbal attack on Penny, especially when she didn’t yet know the full extent of the relationship between the nurse and Kyle. ‘I’d never been to the Campbells before, so I’m not familiar with the case.’
‘No. No, of course you aren’t. Thank you for filling in and for being so thorough.’
‘It’s my job.’
Midnight blue eyes watched her and she swallowed, feeling new heat wash through her under the intensity of his regard. ‘One that clearly means a lot to you and which you are very good at.’
‘Thank you.’ His approval made her warm inside.
‘I’ll make sure I pay the Campbells a visit in the next couple of days and check on Bill myself,’ he promised, making a note in his diary.
Again Alex hesitated. ‘I think they are nervous about expressing their views.’
‘You mean they are wary of complaining about things they are unhappy with concerning Bill’s care? They’re afraid of some backlash?’ he demanded, his expression darkening.
‘Possibly. Yes.’ She shifted uncomfortably under his enigmatic gaze. ‘It’s not uncommon.’
‘Sadly, that’s true. But they deserve the best of care, and it’s our job to see that they get it. Thank you for the warning, I’ll be sure to draw them out if I can. If necessary we’ll adjust the nursing schedule. I won’t have patients frightened to speak up if something is wrong.’
Satisfied with his sincerity, and that she had done her best to alert Kyle to the situation without attacking Penny outright, Alex nodded. ‘I’ve written it up if you’d care to look over the notes before you go to see them.’
Stepping forward to put the packet on his desk, she looked down, her attention caught by the small black-and-white photograph that lay in front of him. Her throat tightened with emotion as she recognised what it was and a wave of compassion rolled through her. That Kyle was aware became apparent when he all but snatched the notes out of her hand and set them down on top of the baby scan photograph, his hands clenching to fists on top of the pile.
Unthinking, knowing only a desperate need to comfort him, she stepped round the desk and closed the gap between them. ‘Kyle…’ she murmured, resting a hand on his shoulder, feeling him tense beneath her touch.
‘Forget it.’ His voice was raspy, unfamiliar, and his head was bent as he refused to meet her gaze.
‘You spoke with Kate and Conor yesterday,’ she pressed gently, aware of the way his body became even more rigid under her hand. ‘You know about their baby?’
‘Yes.’
She bit her lip, stepping warily. ‘Would you like to talk about it?’
‘What for?’
‘Sometimes it helps to share things rather than keeping it all inside,’ she ventured, unperturbed by the roughness of his voice, and all too aware of the firm flesh and play of muscle her fingers detected through his jumper.
‘Alexandra…’
She could tell that he didn’t find it easy to express his feelings, and guessed he hadn’t allowed himself to grieve for his lost child or to acknowledge how much it continued to hurt him. Not to other people, at least. Of their own volition, her fingers moved, her hand rubbing across his back, soothing his tension.
‘I expect you feel both happy and sad at the same time.’ She took the risk, hoping to draw him out, relieved that he had not immediately rejected her touch, her presence. ‘That’s understandable. But you feel angry with yourself.’
‘Disgusted,’ he bit out, surprising her, both that he had spoken at all and at the depth of emotion in that one word.
‘But—’
‘They’re my best friends, I’m thrilled for them.’ His hands flexed on the desk then clenched into tight fists again. ‘But I feel awful for resenting them, too, for reacting like this.’
He sounded so lost and alone. Biting back a fresh surge of emotion, she kept her voice calm. ‘That’s normal, Kyle. Human. It’s not wrong, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t happy for them or that you’re a bad person. They understand. Truly. They know how much you care, but they also know you are still grieving for your own loss.’
He swore under his breath, and for a second she was scared she had gone too far. ‘I haven’t grieved. I can’t grieve. I’m still too angry, too lost, and feel so guilty.’ The admission was torn from him, shocking them both.
‘What happened?’ she ventured, anxious to encourage him to ease some of the hurt, to let it out.
She didn’t think he was going to speak. The electric silence dragged on. He didn’t look at her, but nor did he move away from the touch of her hand, so she stood her ground and waited. Everything inside her tightened when he finally started to speak, telling her almost clinically about the loss of his child and the way things had fallen apart afterwards.
‘Nothing I did was right. Within a very short time Helen found solace with someone else. She left me for Colin, brazenly setting up home with him, going for the quick divorce, unashamed at admitting the adultery,’ he explai
ned, an odd mix of detached coldness and hot despair lacing his tone. ‘They married as soon as the divorce was through, and Helen was pregnant again straight away. Now, eighteen months on from the moment our world collapsed and our baby died, she and Colin are happier than ever and have healthy twin boys.’
‘Oh, Kyle,’ she murmured, shocked by his story, aching for his loss, the sense of betrayal, rejection and confusion he hadn’t been able to hide.
‘It still hurts. Helen didn’t care about me, didn’t love me, didn’t want a child with me. She was even relieved to have lost our baby, because it bought her freedom from our marriage.’ Alex gasped at the callousness of it, the bitter anguish evident in every word he spoke. How could anyone have treated him that way, brought him so much added pain? ‘Hell, I was such a fool. I tried, I really tried to make it work, to give her everything, but it wasn’t enough. The Helen I thought I knew was sweet and innocent and shy—turns out I never really knew her at all.’
Alex was still trying to absorb everything he had told her when he suddenly moved, shocking her as he drew her closer and wrapped his arms tightly around her, one round her waist and one round her hips. Her pounding heart melted and she acted instinctively, cradling his head against her abdomen, one hand holding him close as she tried to absorb his pain, the other stroking the silken strands of his dark hair. She was scarcely able to breathe with the urgency and desperation of his embrace. Tears stung her eyes but she fought them back, knowing he wouldn’t want them. She closed her eyes against them, every part of her aware of his closeness, the feel of him, his warmth, the woodsy, earthy scent of him, his hardness against her soft curves.
In silence she held him, knowing he just needed to be close to someone, anyone, trying to give him her strength and comfort. Her fingers sank into the lustrous thickness of his dark hair, to massage and soothe. She heard him murmur something but couldn’t catch what it was, then his hands were tightening on her before slowly moving over her back, and she sucked in a shaky breath as the sexual tension ratcheted up and desire took over from platonic solace. Need flared inside her, inappropriate, shocking in its intensity, as his face turned more into her, nuzzling against her stomach, the top of his head brushing against the undersides of her breasts. Her whole being felt on fire in response, her fingers trailing over the warm skin at the back of his neck.
Between one heartbeat and the next, Kyle released her with stunning abruptness and all but pushed her away from him, leaving her staring in shock and confusion, her legs feeling shaky and unable to hold her upright. What had just happened?
Kyle shook his head, trying to clear it. He had to be insane. Alexandra had offered comfort and understanding to a colleague, but all he had suddenly been able to think about was the overwhelming urge to sweep everything off his desk, lay her down on it and satisfy the urgent desire raging through him. He hadn’t had feelings like that in a long, long time. Hadn’t wanted to. And no one had interested him in the slightest. Until Alexandra. Feeling her soft, lush curves against him just now, breathing in the intoxicating fragrance of her—like a wildflower meadow on a warm summer day, fresh and natural—had stripped away all his common sense and decency.
What the hell was he thinking? How much had he revealed, uncharacteristically spilling his guts to her like that? Dismay and shame surged through him. He couldn’t look at her. He just wanted to forget what had happened, what he had told her, how she had felt in his arms…How he had felt holding her so tightly.
‘Kyle…’
He couldn’t deal with all the ramifications of her caring, of her even being here close to him. ‘You should go,’ he rasped more harshly than he’d intended.
‘You know where I am if you ever want to talk. In confidence. If you decide not to, I understand that too.’
Her voice sounded husky, shaky, full of compassion, and he couldn’t stand it.
‘Just go, Alexandra. Please.’
Tackling Penny was not going well. Kyle sighed and ran the fingers of one hand through his hair. He’d been concerned by what Alexandra had told him following her visit to the Campbells, even more so after he had been to talk with the couple himself, examined Bill, and then coaxed them into confiding in him about their problems with Penny’s care. He looked at the redhead now, sitting across the other side of the desk from him, pale blue eyes cold as ice, her mouth drawn in a tight line of annoyance and affront that he had questioned her. Quite why he had kept Alexandra’s name out of things he couldn’t say, only that he had felt the vibes between the two women. He was already fed up with Penny dropping hints and snide remarks about Alexandra’s credentials as a nurse at every available opportunity, implying she was slow, inefficient, not worth her place on the team. Her efficiency was one thing he had no doubts about. Everything else left him completely befuddled.
‘All I was asking, Penny, was why the pressure sore went untreated and unreported.’ He held on to his patience with difficulty.
‘I’ve been here a long time, and you cast judgement on my skills now?’
‘I’m not casting judgement.’ He drew in a steadying breath, tired of the argument. ‘I have to ask, having seen the situation for myself. I know how hectic the job can be, that things can slip past us. My only concern is for the well-being of our patients, you know that. Please understand. None of us here want to compromise on patient care.’
Penny rose to her feet, her body tense. ‘I don’t need to be told how to do my job.’
Kyle couldn’t excuse her attitude, but having had no complaints about her before he decided to let things go—for now. She was miffed, but hopefully some of the friendly advice would sink in. Maybe he had been too wrapped up in his own troubles these last months. From now on he would be taking much closer notice of what went on around him, and he would be talking with his partners, Robert and Elizabeth, about monitoring the care their patients received from all the practice staff.
‘You’ve changed, you know.’ Penny crossed her arms and glared at him, her expression hard. ‘Since she came.’
‘She?’
‘Alex Patterson.’
Penny all but spat the name at him, and his own tension increased. ‘Alexandra has nothing to do with this.’ His gaze narrowed as he watched Penny, unable to understand her antipathy. Whenever he had seen Alexandra with patients he had been nothing but impressed, and no one but Penny had a bad word to say about her.
‘You’ll make a fool of yourself over her, Kyle.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Penny gave a snort of derision. ‘I’ve seen how you look at her. I agree it’s past time you got on with living again, but not with her. Alex is a player, Kyle. She has some poor sap of a fiancé on hold, waiting for her back in England. Did you know that? And she’s dating someone here. I’ve seen her out with Drew Grainger. She’s playing games with you, and is not to be trusted. I just don’t want you to get hurt again,’ she finished, sounding sincere, but with a calculating expression in her eyes that made him suspicious.
After Penny flounced from his room, Kyle leaned back in his chair and frowned, lost once more in dark thoughts. He didn’t want to listen to Penny, didn’t want to doubt, found it hard to believe that Alexandra was anything but genuine. But then he had never imagined that shy, sweet Helen was playing him for a fool, either, and look how wrong he had been about her.
He was confused and unsettled. He didn’t want to feel like this, had vowed he would never get involved with anyone else again, but since the moment of meeting Alexandra he had felt tempted, tested, uncertain, and was fighting an attraction he didn’t want to feel. Were his instincts about Alexandra really so far out? Did she really have a fiancé waiting in the wings down south? Was this just a temporary job before she went back to her old life with him? And was Penny right about Alexandra seeing Drew? He’d always got on well with the local firefighter on a professional and casual level, but the man was reputed to be popular with the ladies. Had Alexandra fallen for tha
t charm? After everything that had happened with Helen, he couldn’t go through all that again. He found it so hard to trust. Something about Alexandra drew him, messed with insides, but he couldn’t risk himself—not again.
The next weeks settled into a pattern and passed quickly with shifts at the surgery and out in the community, all the usual work combining with unexpected minor emergencies and the ongoing programme of annual influenza vaccinations. Throughout the hectic time Alex loved her job, adored her patients and came to know and appreciate her colleagues, the team of nurses she worked with both at the surgery and out in the community, all supportive and friendly. Except for one. She avoided Penny as much as possible but, when they did happen to run into each other at Glenside, she closed her eyes to the other woman’s icy glares, and her ears to the short, sharp barbs Penny flung her way.
She had no idea what Kyle had done about the Campbells, or if he had spoken to Penny, but she had noted with relief that, on the days Bill Campbell was not on her own list when she was on community nursing duties, a different nurse visited him. Both Bill and Maria had been more relaxed after Kyle’s visit to them, thankful that Penny had not been there since. Alex hoped that would last.
Whilst things remained awkward between herself and Kyle, especially after that moment in his room—an incident to which neither of them had referred again—Alex sensed a change in him. True, he didn’t seek her out, he remained wholly professional at work but, while still reserved, the hostile edge that had marked her interactions with him that first week had gone. She remained acutely aware of him, and she couldn’t help but worry about him. His words played over and over again in her head and she fretted about his pain, confusion and the sense of betrayal he had been unable to conceal. She also thought with anger and disbelief about the actions of his ex-wife. No wonder Kyle felt rejected, betrayed and found it so hard to trust in anyone again.
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