by Rebel Farris
“You’ve gotta stop fucking saying that.” I slapped his hand away. “I’ve got enough to deal with at the moment.”
“No,” he said.
“What the fuck do you mean, no?”
“I mean no, I will not stop telling you that I love you. I will not stop fighting for you. I’m never going to leave your side, and if you want to keep pushing me away, that’s fine. Push all you want, but I’m not going to leave you alone ever again. You wouldn’t be fighting this so hard if you didn’t care. Deep down, I know you feel this. This—you and me. What we have. Something like that doesn’t go away.”
“What if I’m fighting it because I’m still in love with him—you ever think about that?” I spat the words at him.
“Fuck it,” he said and took the step to close the distance between us.
His hand dove into my hair, and he pulled my face to his. Faster than I could blink, his mouth descended on mine. It felt like we were moving in slow motion. At the first contact, tingles spread over my lips. My heart raced, and goose bumps chased a shiver that echoed throughout my whole body. I wanted to fight it, but the sensations he was causing were stunning me into inaction. I’d forgotten that indescribable magic pull he held over me. I opened for him, and his tongue drove in, twisting with mine. I lost all coherent thought as the familiar taste and smell of him filled my senses, sending my brain into overload. He pressed his body flush against mine, and I surrendered to him.
Moments later, he pulled back, resting his forehead on mine. “You feel that? People die for that feeling. They start wars and conquer impossible odds for that,” he whispered between heaving breaths. “That’s real, and I’m not walking away from it.”
He pushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear as his eyes searched mine. I remembered the same look on his face just before he told me we were through. Coming to my senses then, I pushed him away. I wasn’t doing this with him.
“You can’t love two people. And I know I love him. So, you can take your little demonstrative kisses and shove them up your ass. We—we are not doing this. Ever. Again.”
Turning, I ran to my room, away from him. Ashamed of my traitorous body and the stupid way he made me feel. All I could think about was how shitty it felt when he left, and I knew I never want to travel down that road again. Not with him. We had no epic romance. Fairy tales did not involve the prince up and leaving the princess for years to find herself, before they could have their happily ever after. That wasn’t the way it worked. There was no such thing as true love. What I felt for Law was proof of that. Jared could try to convince me until the day we died that we had something epic, but I’d never risk my heart with him again.
Now
I open the back door, and the alarm starts its warning beeps. I toss the laptop bag, my purse, and keys on the kitchen counter and hurry over to the panel. Once the beeping stops, the quiet of the house becomes evident.
Everyone is gone. The girls are at school, Nic’s at his place, and Evan left with Chloe. Nic doesn’t live here full-time. He has a room here that he uses when the loneliness of his lifestyle becomes too much for him. Here, he has family and love.
I know the feeling all too well, myself. It’s the quiet moments that everything becomes too much to bear. When the sound of silence is so deafening, you can’t think beyond it. It echoes in your ear, forcing your darkest thoughts to repeat in your mind on a loop.
The snick of the door shutting behind me reminds me that I’m not alone. The realization settles in my mind that this is the first time Dex and I’ve been truly alone. Well, if you don’t count our failed romp in the car.
I take a deep breath and turn to face him. “Looks like we have the place to our—”
I’m cut off as his lips descend on mine.
A shiver runs down my spine at the contact. My heart races double time. Dex sweeps his fingertips down the side of my arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake. He curls his hand around the back of my neck while his thumb teases over the pulse point in my neck. An involuntary moan escapes me, and I gasp as I pull away.
“What do you want, Maddie?” he murmurs as he lets go of my neck to smooth his hand down my back.
“I don’t know.” I search his face. “I mean, I do know. I just don’t know how to tell you. I’ve never had to do this before. I just—I don’t think I’m ready.”
“What if you’re never ready? You willing to pass up a good thing because you’re too afraid to leap?”
I close my eyes. Dex’s thumb traces my lower lip. I shudder, spurred by the heightened sensation of the contact. His touch feels almost electric. I open my eyes to find him watching me, not missing a thing.
“Everything that’s been happening scares me, but it all pales in comparison to the way you scare me, Dex.”
“I don’t know how to get you past whatever is holding you back,” he says, shaking his head slowly. “I’ve never been so sure about something in my whole life.”
I break away and walk back to my bedroom to do something other than this.
“You can’t say that about someone you don’t know. And you don’t know me—the other half. The part that only close friends and lovers know is so different from the person I am every day. What happens to me when you see that side and decide it’s not for you? I can’t go through that. I can’t open myself up to something like that right now.”
“We all have our secrets. Everyone is hiding something. Sometimes we just have to trust that when we’re ready to share the heavy stuff, love will be enough to overlook our faults. Just let it go and let me decide. I’m never gonna do anything to hurt you on purpose.”
I stop in the middle of my bedroom and close my eyes, considering his words. No one can guarantee they won’t hurt another person. I know that better than most.
“Some lose all mind and become soul, insane,” Dex quotes. “Some lose all soul and become mind, intellectual.”
“Some lose both and become accepted,” I finish for him, cocking my head to the side. “I didn’t take you for a hipster.” I raise an eyebrow at him for quoting Charles Bukowski to me.
He shrugs. “I’m an artist. And it’s the best way to get my point across.” He shifts a bit, looking uncomfortable. “We’re all some mixture of mind and soul. My theory’s always been that when you meet that person you’re willing to work for, it’s because their level matches your own. Maybe not in the same way, or for the same reasons, but enough for them to accept you as you are.”
“How do you know?” I take a step toward him. “How do you know I’m at your level? You don’t even know me.”
“It’s hard not to recognize when you’re staring at a piece of yourself. I told you about my mom and my past and you didn’t even bat an eyelash. Instead, what I got was just a taste. An hour of what it feels like to have your trust. I’ve watched you since the moment I met you. You embrace life in the little moments. You’re compassionate. Hell, in the short time I’ve been shadowing you, I’ve met at least fifty people who rely on your kindness in some way. You’re not just talented, but smart, and successful beyond most people our age. You’re strong because most people would’ve buckled under this situation and run or hide. But there’s also a darkness to you, and in some ways you’re broken. I get that. What I don’t get is, why don’t you see it?”
“See what?”
“All of that. Everything that makes you, you. And all the reasons I’ve fallen in love with you.”
I draw in a breath and hold it. I freeze because I just don’t know what to say. Dex crosses the space between us in two short strides and cups my face. His eyes search mine.
“Don’t. Don’t freeze up. I don’t expect you to say it back. I don’t expect you even to know how you feel. You haven’t had time to breathe yet. I just can’t keep it in anymore. I love you. That’s not going to change, no matter what you’re hiding.”
He kisses me. It starts out slow, lingering. A gentle explorat
ion. He slides his hand to the back of my head, while his other arm wraps around my waist, pulling me to him.
“Just breathe, Maddie,” he whispers.
“I can’t,” I say, pushing away from him. “I think we did this all wrong. If I’d met you some other way, if you knew the other stuff first, then I could believe you and this would work. But you’ve inserted yourself into my life. I can’t just think about the fallout of my secrets in terms of myself. And that’s always going to be a problem.”
“You’re saying that if we can’t make a go of a relationship, we can’t be friends?”
“No,” I say. “I’m not—I don’t know.” I shake my head, rubbing my temples.
“I’m not saying this because I think it’s necessary, but if you need reassurances, I’ll still be around if things don’t work out. I love your girls almost as much as I love you. And Audra loves you, too.”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “I don’t know how to do this. Any of it.”
“Just let go.”
His breath caresses my shoulder one second before he presses his lips to my skin. A fine shiver courses through me, and I can’t deny one thing—I want him. I don’t know why. It defies all my rational thoughts. Fuck it. I turn and grasp his face, pulling him down to me. I kiss him. I’m not gentle or loving. I’m ravenous. Turning off every nagging thought in my head, I let go. Every doubt and worry fall away as his hands cup my thighs and he lifts me in an effortless motion. I wrap my legs around his waist.
Wetness pools between my legs at the feel of him. His strength, his size, the hardness pressing against me. It’s almost too much. I don’t even feel us moving, but he lets go of me, and I’ve a second of panic before I bounce on the bed. The shock must be written all over my face because he watches me with a smirk before leaning over me.
The bed dips down as his hands press into the mattress next to my head. “We do this, you’re mine. You get me?”
I nod, running my hands up his arms, feeling his shoulders flex as he dips down.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I reply. “I want you.”
His head tilts to the side as he regards me. “I’ll take it.”
“How gracious of you,” I say with a smirk.
He hooks his arm under my waist and tosses me farther toward the center of the bed. “You’re gonna get it.”
“I certainly hope so.” I laugh out the words.
His eyes darken as he pulls his gun out of his waist holster and sets it on my nightstand before kicking off his shoes. He moves with a slow, predatory-like grace. My skin prickles in anticipation of his touch. My phone rings from my purse in the kitchen. He pauses.
“Ignore it,” I say, reaching over to tug him onto the bed.
He moves above me just as the phone stops. I pull at his shirt, and he leans back, pulling it over his head by the collar. My hands are already on him, smoothing over the hard planes of muscle before my mind catches up. Beautiful.
The phone starts ringing again.
“You should probably get that,” he whispers.
I groan, pouting. “It’s not on my list of priorities at the moment.”
He leans forward and catches my puckered lower lip with his teeth. My body arches up toward him, and he takes advantage, pulling me over him as he rolls onto his back.
“The sooner you find out what they want, the sooner you can get back here,” he says, slapping the side of my thigh.
Sitting back, I decide to be naughty, trailing my tongue down his chest. I caress his hard length through his jeans, keeping my eyes trained on his. I’m satisfied when his eyes roll back into his head with a groan as I nip him just before standing up. The phone stops, and before I can decide to ignore it, it starts up again. With a frustrated sigh, I leave the room. I choose to cut through the dining room, in a hurry to grab my phone from my purse before the voicemail picks up, when I halt in my tracks.
“Dex!”
I can hear the panic in my voice, so it’s not too shocking when he comes running around the corner shirtless and holding his gun. He lowers his weapon and takes in the scene.
Seven dead hummingbirds are scattered across the dining room table, with a message spray painted in sloppy blue letters on the wall. The paint, still wet and dripping in streaks, spell out the words:
One by one, they all must fall.
Then
“We really ought to work on furnishing these bedrooms,” Jared said as we set boxes down in the empty bedroom he’d chosen.
He picked the bedroom farthest away from the Jack and Jill-style rooms the girls occupied. More privacy for him. Due to the state of our individual finances, though, the other two rooms were still bare and unfurnished.
“That’s all I have for now. Nic’s coming over later to help me move the furniture.” He offered me a strained smile and turned away. “Thanks for helping me.”
I felt dismissed, and I didn’t know what to say. I’d woken up from a restless sleep to the doorbell and found Jared on the porch next to a stack of boxes. We’d carried the boxes upstairs in silence. That was the first thing he’d said to me all morning. I walked back down to my room and went into the bathroom. Catching sight of myself, I cringed. My hair was sticking out in all directions. A huge rat’s nest of tangles on one side and the makeup I forgot to wash off was running down my face.
Yuck. I wouldn’t want to look at me either. I showered quickly, then dressed and went to the kitchen to grab a Coke. I halted in the doorway at the sight before me. Jared was on his hands and knees. Cat was hanging underneath him, her little arms and legs wrapped tightly around him. Cora was sitting on his back, holding on to his shoulders. Giggles echoed around the room.
“Do it again, Daddy,” Cat demanded.
“Again,” Cora echoed.
“You ready? Hold on tight,” Jared said, and then his hands came off the ground, and he gave a growly bear-like roar.
The girls squealed with glee. I didn’t want to interrupt, so I leaned on the doorframe and watched them play together. He bucked and crawled around for their amusement. I smiled. He really was good with them. The longer he was around, the more they adored him. Maybe I was too hard on him. I decided then that I’d at least stop yelling at him, but I still needed to keep my distance and set clear boundaries.
The doorbell rang again. Jared twisted and spotted me.
“I’ll get it,” I said, pushing off the doorframe and heading for the door.
I peered out the vertical window that framed the door and saw a van with a security company logo. There was a man in a uniform and baseball cap standing on the front porch. I opened the door.
“Hi, I’m here for the install—Maddie?”
I squinted my eyes to make out his face. The bright light of day behind him kept his face in shadow. I leaned forward a little.
“Blake?”
“Funny, I keep running into you. Small world, huh? Though, I did see Jared’s name on the work order this morning. Chose this one to see what kind of place he lived in. I’d no idea you guys were still together,” he said, smiling. His eyes roamed over the space, taking in the house. “Didn’t you have his kid right before graduation?”
“Kids,” I corrected. “Twins. A few days after graduation.”
“Oh, cool. That makes sense.”
I frowned, not understanding what he was saying.
“I haven’t seen you back at the gym. It’s pretty cool now, isn’t it? All the new equipment they’re getting.”
“I wouldn’t know. I don’t go there anymore.”
“Really? Oh.” His shoulders dropped. “Well, you want me to come in and get this system set up for you?”
“Yeah. Come in.”
I stepped aside, and he followed me into the foyer, putting those paper booties over his shoes.
“I’m going to start with the attic. A lot of times these old houses’ve had previous systems in them at one point, a
nd there might be existing wiring. That’ll save you some money if I have less wall drops to complete the install. You want to show me where the attic access is?”
“Sure. It’s upstairs. This way.” I led him up the stairs to the door and pulled it down from the ceiling, unfolding the built-in ladder.
Blake started climbing up to the attic.
“Do you need anything else, right now?” I asked. “A flashlight? I don’t think the lightbulb up there works.”
“Nope. Got one right here.” The sound of ripping Velcro was loud as he opened a pocket on his uniform pants and pulled out a tiny flashlight.
“Okay, I’ll be down in the kitchen if you need me. Jared’s around, too.”
“Okay. Thanks, Maddie,” he said and disappeared into the dark space above the house.
I walked back down the stairs. Just as my bare feet touched the cool tile floor of the kitchen, the doorbell rang again.
“What is this, Grand Central Station?” I complained to no one.
I spied Jared and the girls out in the backyard, digging in the garden that ran along the concrete patio. I internally sighed as I made my way back to the door. This time when I glanced out the window, there was a squad car parked behind the security van, and Officer Martinez was standing on the porch. I opened the door and gave him a polite smile. It was a lot like trying to smile at people at a funeral. It felt awkward to do it, but manners dictated that you smile anyway.
“Miss Dobransky. You’re looking much better today.” He returned my awkward smile.
I assumed he was referring to the fact that I was pale, clammy, and on the verge of passing out last time I saw him. I nodded.
“Please, come in.” I stepped aside and opened the door wider for him.
I led him to the living room and started to sit on the couch but remembered again that I was thirsty. He sat across from me on the chair.
“Can I get you something to drink? A coke or some bottled water?”
“Do you have Dr. Pepper?”
“Sure do. Lemme get you one.”
