by A. Gardner
* * *
The light from the bonfire stretches up to the night sky. I dig my toes into the sand. I can feel the heat from the fire making my cheeks blush even though I’m standing pretty far away. Zanna laughs and hands me a cup. I stare down at the liquid. So far nothing good has come from nights like this one.
“To us,” she says, raising her cup.
“What are we toasting to?”
“Being alive.” She bumps my cup with hers and takes a drink. I turn my head. There are people all around us laughing and talking. Some are strumming their guitars by the fire. I hear the ocean waves in the distance and look down at my drink again.
“Who are all these people?” I ask.
“Who cares?” She’s already on her second drink. I shrug.
One won’t hurt.
I gulp down the contents of my cup.
I refill my drink, feeling a little less paranoid. Zanna and I start talking about Senior year. It feels like it was ages ago.
“It really hasn’t been that long,” Zanna chuckles. She’s getting really loud. I take a few more sips. Then a few more. Before I know it my head feels like it’s floating. I feel relaxed.
Zanna grabs another drink and I walk closer to the shore. I want to dip my toes in the water. I step out of the light and hear the crowd of people grow distant behind me. The waves look black. I take a deep breath and wiggle my toes in the mud.
A hand grabs me around the waist and I open my mouth to scream. I’m immediately overtaken with muscley arms and soft lips. My chest pounds as I close my eyes and kiss back. I pull away and see Dane’s face. His hand caresses the side of my cheek as he kisses me firmly again.
My heart is warm and the heat spreads through my body like a wildfire when he touches me. His hands rub the side of my thigh and it makes my lower body tingle. I’ve hoped for this moment, even dreamt about it many times. Dane is kissing me like everything is perfect.
It’s just the two of us.
We walk to a more private spot near a bed of rocks. Dane pulls me down to the sand and I let him. I don’t want to stop. I want this feeling to stay forever. Our lips lock and our tongues move together. A sigh escapes me as his body moves on top of mine. I feel myself being pushed farther into the sand.
Dane looks at me, his eyes wild with desire. I choose not to say anything. Talking will only ruin the moment. I made my decision to do this a long time ago. I’m going to stick to that decision.
My time to finally lose it to Dane is right now.
Volume Four
Hard To Love You
DANE
Chapter One
“I’ve been seeing someone.”
She knows.
The secret I’ve been keeping from Mikki is finally out. All thanks to my idiot sister, Paige. I knew I should have ended things with Lucy before I left school. It was too hard and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
You’d think Lucy would have seen the signs. We barely saw each other towards the end of school. She was too busy with her dance team and I was preoccupied with kicking my roommate’s ass. In my mind, we’ve been done for a long time.
I need to make things right with Mikki before it’s too late. And by too late I mean before Dad ruins everything by eliminating her from the equation. There’s nothing I can do about that now. My dad’s mind is set in stone once he makes a decision. He knows that Mikki has seen too much. I might as well tell her about Dad’s former profession in the CIA.
Dad would kill me.
All I can hope for is acceptance . . . and one wild night.
She’s going to be at the beach tonight. I have a feeling her friend Zanna will drag her there after weeks of hiding in her apartment. I’ll make my move then.
“Lost in thought?” Paige grins as she joins me at the kitchen counter. I set down my cup of orange juice, making a loud clanking noise on the countertop. I roll my eyes. Her grin grows even wider. She’s pleased that I’m pissed. She tosses a strand of blond hair out of her face and adjusts the waist of her spandex running shorts.
“Hmmm,” I reply. I can’t let her know just how angry I am.
“That’s all you have to say?” she laughs. She pours herself a glass of juice.
“Hmmm,” I say again. I eye her running gear. “You might want to rethink that outfit next time.” It’s a low blow but I know it’ll bother her.
She frowns, but we’re not even close to being even.
“I couldn’t tell her no, ya know.”
“Who?”
“You know very well who I’m talking about.” She rolls her eyes. “Lucy. She really likes you. I don’t know what your problem is.”
“Since when do you care about my love life?”
“Since you started sneaking around with that basket case, Mikki.”
She doesn’t get it. She’s never been in a serious relationship.
“Don’t give me relationship advice,” I reply. “You know nothing about it.”
“That’s not true,” she protests. “As a matter of fact.” She raises her chin. “I’ve been seeing someone.”
“Yeah,” I chuckle. “Your therapist.”
“A guy,” she continues. She takes a sip of her juice. “Someone Dad won’t approve of.”
This must be a setup to make me look stupid in front of my dad. It won’t work. Mainly because he’s already upset with me.
“Are you hoping I’ll tell on you or something?” I shake my head. “Ain’t gonna happen.”
“I’m just being honest,” she smiles. She nudges my shoulder. “Brother.”
“Well the take my advice.” I lean on the counter and take a breath. “If you like him at all then keep him the hell away from this family.”
She bites the side of her lip. She knows what I mean. The Haskell’s can’t help but tank their relationships. Some days I have no idea why my parents are even still together. I never see them speak, and they’re both caught up in their own lame lives.
Maybe they do it for us.
“If you hate us so much,” Paige says quietly. “Why’d you come home at all?” She places her cup in the sink and proudly walks out of the kitchen, putting in the ear buds to her iPod.
I came home for one reason and one reason only.
Mikki.
MIKKI
Chapter Two
“I can’t go back now.”
What am I doing?
I swore I wouldn’t take him back. I could barely breathe when I saw Paige at the mall shopping with enemy number one, Dane’s girlfriend. My world was crushed after that. And to make it all worse I have a psycho after me. I hadn’t gone outside for days until Zanna dragged me to this bonfire.
I shouldn’t have taken a drink. Nothing good happens when I start drinking. My body doesn’t take it well. That’s what warmed me up to Dane. When he grabbed me around the waist all my feelings for him came rushing back. It was like the first time we kissed. I thought my life was absolutely perfect.
Now we are on a sandy beach together. Dane is on top of me. I can feel the warmth of his breath against my neck. I hear laughter in the distance. We’re far from the bonfire surrounded in darkness.
I let Dane kiss me. I close my eyes and enjoy the moment. It’s almost perfect. In the back of my mind, a voice reminds me that I’d screwed this up. Sex on the beach could have been my first. I ruined that chance when I met Kade but thankfully I’ll never have to see him again.
I open my eyes. Dane is gently kissing my neck. The sky is black and the sound of waves crashing against the shore fill the night air. I let the noise take over my thoughts. I need to get Kade out of my head. I need to push away the voice that constantly brings back my guilt.
I focus on Dane.
The first night we met.
The first night we kissed.
Tonight will be another first for us.
I feel his hand move along my waist and find a patch of bare skin. The feel of his hand gives me chills. His hand moves closer to my chest
and I start to feel my heart beat rapidly. Tonight I’m not anxious. I feel eager to jump to the next level with him. I do something I never thought I’d do in a million years. I take off my shirt, exposing the plain, unexciting, nude bra underneath.
The act feels liberating.
I smile when I see the look of surprise on Dane’s face. He’s never seen this much of me. He grins and continues to kiss me. His kisses are more passionate. I feel his breath getting heavier. With one hand he throws off his shirt, revealing tight abs and a hard chest.
Now we’re even.
We move together in the sand. His hand slowly plays with the buttons on my jeans. They slide off my hips. Dane’s muscles are flexed as his lower body presses into mine. My mind races.
This isn’t like before. With Kade I hardly knew where I was or what I was doing. It all seemed like a dream to me. Not with Dane. I know where I am and what I’m about to do.
The feeling is nothing like I can describe. I’ll remember it forever.
Dane pushes me deeper into the sand as the two of us exhale together. We are finally doing what we’ve always talked about. I can’t go back now.
* * *
“What’s it like?”
I gulp.
I think of my night on the beach with Dane.
“What’s what like?” I reply. I fill up my water bottle and try not to look at Jemma. She just started her internship and the two of us now share my tiny workspace. We mostly file papers and make copies, but at least I have someone to help me with coffee runs.
“What’s it like dating a Haskell, silly?” She smiles and plays with her caramel hair. Her pink, glittery nails remind me too much of Paige.
“Oh um . . .”
Dane dropped me off at work once and now the entire town is talking. Well the teenagers anyway.
“Sorry,” she apologizes. “Are you guys like still keeping it on the DL?”
I don’t really know Jemma. I had a class with her once and I’ve seen her hanging with the cheer team but that’s it. I don’t even know if she’s friendly with she-devil, a.k.a Dane’s sister.
“What makes you think we’re even a couple?” I ask.
“It’s just what I heard.” She shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee. She casually turns the page of her gossip magazine. I sit down next to her. The break room is empty and the two of us finished our filing an hour ago.
“Who from?” I raise my eyebrows, hoping to figure out what people have been saying about me.
“Just people,” she responds.
I frown.
“Chill Mikki.” She looks up. “People aren’t saying bad things. In fact, your sudden rise to popularity is inspiring.” There’s a twinkle in her eye. Her expression is a little too perfect to be sincere.
“I thought high school was over,” I mutter.
“Oh honey,” she giggles. “Seaside Community College isn’t much different.”
“It’s college,” I protest.
“It’s the same kids playing the same games.” She shakes her head. “We all don’t just mature overnight you know.” She focuses on her magazine and quietly giggles to herself.
“Some of us don’t mature at all.” I take a swig of water.
“You’re funny,” she laughs.
I twist my mouth to the side and rub my forehead.
“So,” I begin. “Are you friendly with the Haskells?” I watch her reaction. Her eyes widen a little.
“Used to be.”
“You mean you used to date Dane?” I try not to sound so obviously disappointed.
“No,” she immediately replies. “I used to be friends with Paige.”
“And? What happened?”
“High school happened.” She rolls her eyes. “Don’t ask.” She turns to another page in her magazine.
“So you don’t know anything about . . . never mind.” It makes me sick to think about Lucy, Dane’s supposed girlfriend. I can’t even go there.
“What?” She eagerly bats her eyelashes.
“Nothing.”
“No really,” she insists. “What were you going to say?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Sure,” she smiles. She blows on her coffee and takes another sip. “I’d be worried too though.”
Now she isn’t making any sense.
“Worried about what?”
“The new girl in town. I’m sure it’s a load of crap what everybody is saying about her.”
“Whatever,” I reply. I have no idea what she’s talking about and I’m too distracted to try. I haven’t seen Dane since our night together. I’m expecting a tap on my window any night now. Maybe tonight.
I take a deep breath.
“I mean . . .” she takes another swallow of coffee. “I’m sure she’s not with Dane anymore. Whatever happened between them is like light years in the past.”
“I’m sorry who are we talking about?” I scratch my head.
“The new girl that just moved into town. Her name is Lucy.”
Chapter Three
“Sometimes secrets kill.”
“I’ve been thinking,” Aunt Scarlett sighs. “We should take a vacation. Just you and me. Remember when we went to San Francisco?” I watch her scoop a portion of pasta primavera from a large bowl and place it in front of me.
“Yeah,” I laugh. “You had to pull over so I could barf out the window.”
“Well.” She raises her eyebrows and joins me at the table. “Besides that part.”
The two of us have been friendlier than usual lately. Aunt Scar hasn’t brought up my fight with Dane and I haven’t brought up seeing her with Matt Haskell, Dane’s dad. I still think about it though. My mind still can’t grasp the fact that she’d been seeing him, maybe even sleeping with him, the entire time I’ve been with Dane. It puts a sour taste in my mouth. Whenever the thought resurfaces, I have to force it back down.
“It was fun,” I admit. And it’s the truth. We stayed in a little hotel by the beach and spent every day sight-seeing or soaking up the sun. That was probably the best tan I ever had. “You want to go back?” My brain jumps to Dane and how long I’d have to be away from him.
“Why not?” She nods and takes a bite of her pasta. “I think it would be fun, don’t you? Plus it would give us a chance to catch up.”
Catch up? It’s like she knows what happened between me and Dane. I thought losing your virginity was supposed to be this grand moment. At best it has made me feel guilty that I’ve kept it from Scarlett all this time. I want to talk about it. I feel like I have tons to say, but when the opportunity comes I’m at a loss for words.
Sometimes secrets kill.
“Scarlett?”
“Yeah,” she replies, not even looking up. I’m so close to saying it - blurting out that I had sex with Dane. My heart is pounding. My cheeks feel warm. Will she yell or will she nod and tell me I’m an adult now?
“Um . . .” I take a long breath. She looks up at me curiously.
“Is everything okay?”
I can’t do it.
“Uh yeah.” I lie. I force myself to chuckle. “Sorry. I forgot what I was going to say.”
“Well when you think of it . . .” She takes another small bite.
“Right,” I answer.
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone buzzing in my pocket. I let out a sigh of relief. My drumming heart finally starts to calm down.
“Be right back.” I stand up and walk towards the bathroom, checking my phone as I walk. My heart quickens immediately.
It’s him. I read through the text three times before I finally respond to it.
Our spot. Ten minutes.
* * *
I can’t help but wonder what I’ll find when I reach Riptide Park. Is Dane really the one who sent me that message? After what just happened between us, he had to be. I look down and realize I’m taking tiny steps. I’m dragging my feet, trying to make time move slower.
What if Dane wants to . . .
<
br /> I’m not ready to do that again. In fact, I don’t know whether I’ll kill his dream of our second time together or tell him he has a lot of making up to do first. I’ve been telling myself that the bonfire was a one-time thing. We both have issues to sort through. I attempt to walk a little faster. The sun is going down and leaves are blowing across my path. I tug at my jacket and fix my hair. The wind is stronger than usual tonight.
I reach a row of trees. I’m feet away from our spot. I can see Dane’s profile. It was him that texted me. I swallow the lump in my throat, remembering the time I’d been tricked into meeting with Mr. Haskell to discuss “business”. That night didn’t go too well.
I step into view. His eyes study my expression, making my chest lightly pound. I want to kiss him but I hesitate. Things don’t feel like they did before. They feel . . . different.
“Hi,” I say first.
“Hi,” he replies. I’m not close enough for him to wrap his arms around my waist.
Dane takes a step closer. I can smell his cologne. Now he’s close enough to do whatever he wants. “How are you?”
“Fine.” I bite the corner of my lip. “How are you?”
“Good.” He nods.
I open my mouth to say something back. I can’t think of anything. We stand in silence. I can hear my heart pounding. I’m in that awkward post sex moment that Zanna always talks about. It’s happening. I thought Dane and I were different, but it’s still happening.
“Mikki,” he shakes his head. “Come on. I don’t want things to be this way between us. Please just say something.”
I frown.
A thought comes to my mind. I don’t want to say it.
“Look,” I sigh. “What happened between us . . .” I stop myself before I call the thing I’d been fantasizing about for years a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It just wasn’t what I thought it would be. And now that Lucy is in town, this isn’t what I want anymore.
It hurts too much.
“I wouldn’t take it back,” Dane interrupts. “And I’m sorry.” He takes my hand. A shiver runs down my spine. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for not telling you the truth. Let me make it up to you.”
