I’m not quite sure how to explain what’s happened since that night. Let’s just say we’re living as if in a dream, the two of us hidden in the attic, making do with things as if we are two kids in a tree house because we couldn’t care less about what is happening in the world below that is bristling with dangers. We shit on those dangers for now. And the dangers shit on us, stuck in that attic of the house like ants after a fumigation.
All the powers of the state are set against María Paz, and I’m still a little puzzled how this charming girl has become the bull’s-eye of so many pissed-off macho men—agents of the CIA and the DEA, migrant and bounty hunters, and a posse led by the vermin Sleepy Joe, who must have been howling in his cave because so many others were trying to snatch his prey. But María Paz has not wanted to talk about any of that. She does not bring up her past, much less her future. I think it is comforting to her to feel as if she is in a boat in the middle of a timeless sea. Once again, she and I are floating in the bliss of a period of “things go right.” Seven months ago we went through a similar ephemeral period that lasted only a couple of hours; then we passed through a very long and anguishing “things go wrong,” and now we have returned to the bliss of the good days.
Like any good graphic novel heroine, María Paz is complex; there are no predictable plots in her story. Everything is extraordinary, very intense, and at the same time so otherworldly and unreal, such as letting the days pass ignoring what has happened, purposely ignoring all the possible consequences, letting the world fall to pieces all around us. And that’s just a figure of speech. Symptoms are beginning to appear, a new phase of “things go wrong” has reared its ugly fucking head. Four days ago, a horrendous crime took place on this mountain. The victim was the man who brings us the bags of food for the dogs; it is something utterly indescribable, they didn’t only murder him, but they ripped off his face. The authorities are still searching for the suspects and have the area under twenty-four-hour patrol: a good thing on the one hand, because it reestablishes the sense of safety, and a bad thing on the other hand, because for us up here it make us recluses with much more claustrophobic force than before. Now it is clearer than ever that María Paz cannot as much as peek outside or the entire security operation would descend on the house. But I’ve decided not to tell her. What good would it do? For the moment, I see no reason to worry her. Up here, she is secure, free from any danger, ignorant of the mayhem outside that has everybody on edge. María Paz needs her rest. The important thing is that she recovers from the damage of what she has gone through, enjoys herself however she can, is pampered, eats a lot, sleeps as much as she needs to, and is left alone. So I keep the fears and conjectures to myself.
For now, I have no intention of letting this bubble of blind, deaf, exclusive, and self-sufficient happiness in which we both float burst. Because I’m on vacation, I don’t have to go anywhere. No one bothers us up in the attic and we are together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, with the exception of a couple of nights a week when I go down to have dinner with my father so as not to arouse suspicion. I return to the attic with a healthy portion of the meal. María Paz is effusive and generous when we make love, but I have not been able to get her to sleep in my arms. After we make love she turns the other way and curls in upon herself like a seashell, and I have to make do with the unconditional affection of Skunko, who has begun to sleep draped across both of us, and I resign myself to simply watch her for hours. I am astonished by her tendrils of black hair invading the pillows, and her long eyelashes silky as spider legs. I linger my gaze on the curve of her shoulder, on the protruding ears that she hates so much, on the soft splendor of her skin, the light hairs on her nape, the lapping waves of her breath, the white cotton panties that she wears, bigger than any other girl I have known—prison maxi panties, to be truthful, or more like orphanage maxi panties, that are far from sexy but still manage to turn me on, like everything about her. Now, I understand more profoundly what Boris Becker meant when he said that he only fully realized how dark-skinned his wife was when he saw her naked body on white sheets for the first time.
We never dare ask what is going to happen when we are brought down by force to face reality. When I asked her how she survived after fleeing from Bronx Criminal Division, she said that it was thanks to kind folks. She told me about the Peruvians she met at the cookout and a rich bachelor from Park Slope who allowed her to use his penthouse. She also recounted times when she panicked, lonely nights, times when she escaped just by a hair, about dangerous corners in some neighborhoods, and about a friend’s betrayal. There were also the two sisters who sold tamales from home and hired her to knead corn flour.
“I had never eaten so many tamales,” she said.
“Why didn’t you leave the country?” I asked the obvious question.
“Because of Violeta, my sister, Violeta, I can’t abandon her. I will not leave until I can take her with me.”
I found all this out during our first few nights together in the attic, when she spoke nonstop until the early hours of the morning, weaving together the disconnected episodes of her epic. On a particularly chilly night, she recounted to me the events around her husband Greg’s death. She spoke at length and candidly, and somehow we got into the Gothic scene about her friend Corina and the broomstick. She mentioned that event, but as with others was somewhat oblique around the topic of Sleepy Joe’s participation in it, as if she wanted to lessen his guilt, so I had to remain alert and insist that she make certain things clearer, that she couldn’t invent things because I knew more about all of this than she thought. I told her that I had taped together the manuscript she had ripped to pieces in Central Park, and so that I knew well the horrific actions that Sleepy Joe was capable of, like the abusive interrogation he had submitted her to and the death of her dog. María Paz’s response was to stop the story cold, and since then she has not told me about anything else in her past, as if the instinct had dried up, or she preferred to forget the content of those sections. We talk to each other a lot, but always sidestepping certain issues and keeping the conversation at surface level. She is allowed to ask me about heaven and earth, but I can’t ask her anything.
I see her floating in a state of grace and innocence, a nymph in the woods, or maybe more like a lily, a fawn, an odalisque. Too many things have happened to her, very serious things in a short span of time, so it’s understandable that she doesn’t want to torment herself by unraveling the treacherous twists of fate. It is almost as if she has gone into hibernation to regain her strengths and get ready for what is to come. Truth is I don’t know, don’t want to know, don’t want to think about it either. But at the same time, I am terrified of what she still may be keeping from me.
While she sleeps beside me, I remain awake thinking about it all, as fucking insomniac as they come. I sense her sweet breath and soft snoring, and I ask myself who this woman is who is so full of darkness and secrets. One night recently, I tapped her on the shoulder because I needed to know the answer to one question right then.
“Have you been lying to me?” I said.
“You have to believe me, Mr. Rose,” she said half-asleep.
“Why? Tell me why I have to . . .”
“Because when people tell you things, you should believe them,” she said, and curled herself up tighter than before and fell back asleep. I couldn’t help but think about her twisted relationship with her brother-in-law/lover. I have compiled a list of character traits and habits for him, such as sleeping during the day, visiting brothels, his obsession with María Paz, his taste for spicy candy, the useless purchases from infomercials, and, above all, the performance of bloody rituals. I have read that while bloodless rituals are at core symbolic or figurative, the bloody ones necessitate the spilling of blood of a sacrificial victim. With the exception of bullfights in Hispanic cultures, or of such things as fight clubs and ultimate fighting tournaments, this kind of bloodletting a
s spectacle is rare in the West, because people are horrified and disgusted by blood and can only deal with it on the screen, where it doesn’t hurt, stain, or infect. The peculiar thing about Sleepy Joe is the leap backward, the primitive, brutal ritual. And so, little by little I have begun to understand a few things. The problem is that my investigation is typically amateurish, and in reality it just follows a method I found in a blog that I came upon by chance in serial form called Killing Me Softly. That’s why I thought it would be better to get a more qualified opinion, so one day I left María Paz alone in the attic to head to New York, supposedly to hand in a manuscript to Ming, my editor, but in truth to ask him about Sleepy Joe, whom he didn’t know and hadn’t even heard of. But he asked how he could possibly help in gathering the information I required.
The fact is Ming collects everything and is an expert in a thousand things, the more bizarre the better. He’s an expert, for example, on the many varieties of caviar, ancient African bridal gear, and a sumptuous and fierce species of warriors called betta fish. But of all his obsessions, the one that he devotes the most time to is noir comics. Along with being an editor of one of them, Ming owns an astonishing collection of volumes on the occult that he has found all over the world. And folks who are expert on this subject are expert on the subject of murderers.
Neo-noir comics, originally inspired by Frank Miller’s Sin City, and frequently printed in black and white, is a bristling and electrifying genre, as if on amphetamines, generally misogynous and eschatological and centered on sadistic, disgusting, maniacal crimes, with decadent and vicious detectives.
It’s not my genre, of course: my suicide poet and his girl are little sisters of the blind compared with the freaks that appear in noir. I told Ming more or less what I already knew of Sleepy Joe, his habits of burning and destroying on a massive scale, the dice on the eyes of a dead ex, the ritual with a broomstick involving Corina, the ritual with a knife involving his dead brother, the bone-chilling event with the dog.
“He doesn’t sound like a big-time murderer,” Ming told me, “more or less a small-time killer, timid, unsure. At least for now, although maybe he may yet do more terrible things.
“His ceremonial executions are crude, but whatever they lack in finesse, they make up for in conviction,” Ming continued. “For now, he threatens and assaults but does not kill, or he kills animals but not humans. Although things may escalate depending on what is propelling him. There must be a touch of necrophilia. It’s possible that he nailed the corpse of the dog to the wall after it was dead.”
“Which means he tortures cadavers?” I asked.
“I don’t think he sees it as torture, more like purification or glorification. Perhaps he makes his peace with the dead through the ritual. It could be how he asks forgiveness, as in how he sliced the corpse of his brother with a knife, a brother with whom he identified. Greg, the older brother, his idol, possibly the only person who cared for him and worried about him. Sleepy Joe must have adored him.”
“Yeah, he adored him, but snatched his wife. Some love.”
“There you go. He adored him up to a point. Look closely at the details: it was a pure instance of substitution; when he took the wife, he put himself in the shoes of his brother, he became the brother, and made María Paz the ardent object of his desires. When María Paz didn’t want anything else to do with him, she stripped him of very fundamental things, castrated him when she rejected him sexually, negated the identification with the brother, and to top it off he believed she took his money. He must have felt as if he had been skinned alive, anyone would have felt as such. He beat her but did not kill her because that would be the end of his desideratum, and he’s no idiot. But he beat her almost to death, and began to destroy the beings she loves. She is left with nothing and no one. You understand. That’s the message he is sending her: ‘The only person you have in this world is me.’ You have not told me that she is with you now, but I imagine she might be. If so, be very careful. You are getting directly in the path of Sleepy Joe, a complicated individual.”
“Can you sketch me an outline of his modus operandi?” I asked.
“Fuck, Jack the Ripper had a modus operandi; this bastard barely knows where he is heading,” Ming said.
At that point, I told him about the Eagles case and that I thought Sleepy Joe was the culprit.
“It has his trademark, a ritual over a cadaver,” Ming responded as he fed mosquito larvae to the iridescent and bluish Wan-Sow, the best of his bettas. Ming meant that unexpected forces were pushing Sleepy Joe to more dangerous levels. “If Sleepy Joe is Eagles’s murderer, it would mean that the guy is getting close, Cleve.”
If he is the murderer, he is among us. Although it is highly unlikely that he’ll remain wandering around there, given that since the night of the murder the area is crawling with patrol cars. The cops come by our house at least twice a week, calling out at every door to make sure everything is okay. This has become for us a protective barrier against Sleepy Joe, and at the same time the greatest threat, because if they discover María Paz, she is history. That is, those who can do us in are also our protectors; damned spot we’re in, so dual and complex. As the Coen brothers scripted for George Clooney in O Brother, Where Art Thou? “Damn! We’re in a tight spot.”
For now, I have María Paz by my side in this attic refuge, and she is my only reality. She peruses my books while eating cheese, leaving them all greasy. For long periods, she does nothing, she wastes all the hot water while showering, she brushes Skunko and paints her toenails. Afterward, she lies on my bed and watches some reality shows that I think are horrible but that she won’t miss and then recounts them to me episode by episode in complete detail. First thing in the morning, she does aerobics following the instructions of a woman called Vera in a program called In Shape with Vera. She has a double portion of ice cream for breakfast, later she puts on my clothes, that is if she doesn’t remain in her pajamas all day, and entertains herself rummaging through my drawers and disorganizing my things. She sits by the side of the window hidden behind the curtain to spy on the deer that ravage our garden and the moose that turn over our garbage cans looking for food. She appears serene, light—I would say radiant, in any case—very beautiful. I am madly in love with her.
But I live in a state of alertness with my hairs standing on end. I spend many hours psychoanalyzing the brother-in-law, dissecting his personality. For obvious reasons, I have been interested more in his story than the story of the murdered brother. Arms trafficking seems like a very ordinary subject matter, one more chapter in the kind of corruption that is eternal. And besides, I hate cops, and any atrocities that they are accused of committing are possible and likely probable. In contrast, I have reached some interesting conclusions about Sleepy Joe. As a child, he must have always been scared to death. In general, those types of bullies have been bullied themselves, they become abusers because they have been abused, anybody who reads comic books knows that. I imagine that in his case, old childhood fears must have reemerged in adulthood, creating a sick and distorted ritualization. María Paz recounted that when Sleepy Joe was a boy, the mother forced him to recite a prayer called “A Thousand Jesuses” that was a repetition of the name a thousand times. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Of course, maybe this wasn’t the best tactic, a thousand Jesuses is an exaggerated number of Jesuses; you can go a little nuts during the few hours on your knees repeating Jesus in Slovak.
She has also told me that in the bedroom of Greg, Sleepy Joe, and the rest of the siblings, there hung a large portrait of the baby Jesus nailed to a white cross. Not the adult Jesus but the baby Jesus. Crucified. Such a thing, a child as a crucificado.
I would not have been able to open my eyes with that portrait in the room, that would have been the least of it, but I would not have become a master criminal because of it. Who knows what else could have happened to him, from what root the tendency toward evil had sprouted.
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br /> There must have been other things, because in the end being the son of a mother who says the rosary every day does not automatically lead you to nail a dog to a wall. It was too obvious to look automatically for Christian roots to any perversions, but perhaps the drama has less to do with Christianity than with the Carpathians, their region of origin, mountain ranges that I imagine gloomy and menacing, boulders cut by picks and vertigo-inducing cliffs, with frozen landscapes and a national history crisscrossed with everyday butcheries and cruelties. The whole Slovakia thing may be nothing, I couldn’t even pick out its exact location on a map, but that’s how I imagine it during my nights of insomnia. Then I remembered about the lands of Vlad Tepes, Dracula, the insatiable impaler who liked to eat his dinner among the dozens of Turks whom he had ordered to be strung from behind. And don’t some of Sleepy Joe’s actions seem Dracula-like: Corina and the broomstick?
Isn’t it easy to make connections?
But those are just the speculations of the sleepless, too many horror movies. The only thing that’s clear is that the more I know, the more I am disgusted with Sleepy Joe.
I am the type of person who cannot stand the suffering of animals. I must admit that sometimes I feel like Brigitte Bardot with her maniacal and exclusive obsession with the well-being of seals. I do not compromise with anyone who engages in the abuse of animals in any form, and that’s why I’m a vegetarian. But to nail a dog to a wall, you have to be a sadistic motherfucker to do something like that. And that would be enough to earn my hate, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. If there’s something I can’t stand in this world it’s a man who mistreats a woman. Zero tolerance, much less if it’s the woman I love. Yet there is another side of him that caught my attention, a corner of his character, one only, that inspires a degree of envy, his knack for the ritualistic, which seems authentic. He is a nobody, illiterate and vicious, but he retains the sense of the sacred. Or least he is one inspired son of a bitch. A taut string of conviction vibrates in that bastard, and I dashed to write that phrase down before I forgot it. Writing graphic novels for so long, I have developed the habit of thinking in vignettes, which I translate into catchy expressions that fit in dialogue balloons.
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