“No.”
The evolution of all spiritual life, Lake, includes 3 absolutes:
1. You will love.
2. You will be loved.
3. The former will eventually be far more important to you than the latter.
Grasshopper~
The Universe
Chapter Thirty Three
Did Buck force battery acid down my throat? Why isn’t Josh home in Chicago? Why is there an engagement ring on my ring finger? Lake struggled to understand her present location and the obnoxious high pitched sound coming from right beside her. Her last firm memory included Ryan as he died in her arms, his blood all over her and all over her sidewalk. His body had been so still, like a corpse with white tape tracing its shape. That image might never leave her mind’s eye as it replayed with abject torture. Buck had escaped. Buck was coming for her. Is he here? As she glanced around the room, she realized the steady beeps came from a pulse monitor in a hospital room. Her hospital room.
She looked down at her body, then ran her hands up and down her limbs as she checked for bullet and knife wounds. Horrified, she found the bandage that protected the scrape Buck’s bullet had caused when it grazed her temple. Not remembering when the bullet hit her, Lake threw her head from side to side and tears broke free of her eyelids and trickled in rivulets down her face and neck. Ryan had died. She’d killed him. Buck had scalped her again. A chunk of her hair was missing. She struggled to sit up, then fell backwards as she realized her meager strength couldn’t hold her own weight upright. She again tried to summon the courage to rise. Where was her fortitude? She needed to get out of this hospital. Ryan and Josh couldn’t protect her anymore.
****
“Lake, it’s okay, babe. I’m here with you.”
As he hit the call button, Josh tried to soothe her with calm words and touches. With each caress of his hand, she became more agitated and the beats per minute read 142. A nurse burst through the door and looked with concern at the monitor as she felt Lake’s wrist for her pulse.
“It’s too high. She’s in tachycardia.” The nurse kept her eyes focused on the monitor as she pushed something in to Lake’s IV. “I’ll go page Dr. Martin. By the way, I never saw a dog in here so your secret’s safe with me.” She gave Josh a wink before she turned towards the door.
Josh’s heart broke into a million pieces as he watched Lake sob, the tears raining down her face in a torrential downpour. The tense, jerky movements of her body had already caused Alfred to jump off the bed and huddle in a corner. Poor guy, he had no idea why Lake’s emotions tumbled out of control. Josh thought it might help if he held her so he lifted her up a few inches and wrapped his arms all the way around to rock her back and forth. The uncontrollable sobs still racked her body so hard, her teeth knocked together.
“Water.” Her voice came out raspy and low.
He reached out to clutch the portable table and wheel it closer. On top, rested a plastic pitcher of water and a bendy straw so he poured some into a cup and held the straw to her lips. She drained the whole cup in a matter of seconds.
“Buck. He’s coming for me. I have to leave!” Her voice still sounded abnormal, peppered with gravel.
“Lake, sweetheart, Buck is dead. He killed himself that day on the farm. He’s not coming for you. You are safe now, babe. He’s not going to hurt you or anyone, ever again.” No need to tell her it had taken a bio hazard clean-up crew several hours to scrape his brain matter off her sidewalk. Even after their efforts, a faint hint of red had still remained. His dad handled having the concrete replaced so she’d never have to see it.
Lake squeezed her eyes shut. “Ryan. I killed him. He’s dead. Oh my God!” With that admission, she wailed and sobbed again. He had no idea what to do so he pressed the call button a second time.
“Yes, Josh. What’s happening?”
“She’s upset about Roberts. Can you call his room and get him down here, please?”
He turned into Lake again as he whispered in her ear and stroked her hair being careful not to touch her bandage. “Shh. Ryan is fine. In fact, he’s going home today to recuperate at your house, on the farm. He’s coming right now to see you. He’s just fine, Lake. Everyone pulled through. Summer’s been here with you every day for the past five days. Maria, Juan, Chad and Lance, they’ve been here too. Your mom and I have talked on the phone multiple times per day. She’s devastated that she can’t be here but she couldn’t fly because she just had surgery on her neck. My dad and Lois have been here. You’ve been surrounded by love and support. Please believe me. I’ve never lied to you. Everything is fine now.” What would it take for her to trust him? Before this shooting, he’d thought they were already there. Josh started to worry in earnest that this episode had changed her. She appeared to be a shell of her former self and her reaction unexpected. This wasn’t what he’d pictured as he’d imagined this moment.
The door slid open and Josh looked up at Dr. Martin, relieved to see him. He’d been in charge of Lake’s care since she’d entered the hospital. Dr. Martin had earned awards as a top rated psychiatrist and he had vast experience treating patients with severe PTSD, many of them war veterans that had served in the Middle East.
“Lake, I’m Dr. Martin. How are you feeling? Any severe pain anywhere in your body?”
“I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”
“That’s normal. You’ve been laying here in this hospital bed for five days so your muscles are stiff and not used to their usual movements.”
“Five days? What happened to me? Was I in a coma?”
“A bullet grazed your left temple and you have a small, flesh wound. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s healing up very nicely. You had some stress from the shooting so you’ve been resting comfortably.”
Lake reached up to touch her bandage again but her fingers hovered just above. “Where’s my hair? My scalp?”
“You didn’t even need stitches so you didn’t lose any of your hair. It probably just feels a little funny with your bandage covering the area. Your long hair will look just the same as it always did.” Dr. Martin soothed Lake with a very calm, steady voice that lacked emotion as he relayed the facts. It worked because she quieted and her breathing started to return to a more relaxed rhythm.
“Summer. I need Summer.”
The unexpected sting of those four simple words enveloped his body, dark and venomous. Certain she wouldn’t try to intentionally hurt him, that fact didn’t lessen the anguish. He’d just poured his heart out to her and put a ring on her finger. If she didn’t return his feelings, he might not be able to withstand that soul crushing devastation. He would just have to continue to be patient. She was confused for God’s sake and had just now found out why she’d been brought to the hospital. He needed to stop thinking of himself and alleviating his own doubts. He was behaving like a selfish asshole.
Josh gently placed Lake back onto the bed and stood to his full height. “I’ll go call Summer. She’s already on her way over here.”
“Thanks, Josh.” Dr. Martin sounded grateful for the respite.
****
“I don’t want him here. Get him out of here.”
“I’m confused, Lake. He’s been here by your side twenty-four hours a day for the past five days. It’s evident he cares for you very much. In fact, I see an engagement ring on your finger as we speak. It’s beautiful by the way.”
Lake glared down at it and kept every muscle taught and eerily still as though she were a black haunted house perched upon an abandoned hill. As she lifted her eyes back up towards Dr. Martin, she sighed and tore her eyes away from her ring finger. She wouldn’t be surprised if the ring sprouted horns and a cloven hoof.
“I almost got him killed. I almost got everyone killed. It was all my fault and he deserves better. If I lived out the rest of my days trying, I could never even come close to being good enough for him.”
“I don’t think he agrees. Are you going to tell him how you feel? I
think it would be wise if you did. He deserves an opportunity to respond, since he’s proven himself and his love for you.”
“No, I can’t. If I tell him the truth, he’s going to consider it just another obstacle to be overcome. He can’t get past this, no matter how hard he tries. Dr. Martin, I recall a quiet resolve coming over me when I knelt on my sidewalk with Ryan’s bloody body in my arms. I can’t withstand any more pain. I’m not capable of giving myself into a man’s care, to love again and be exposed, no matter how worthy he might be.” Lakes voice became stronger as her determination to avoid her feelings increased.
“Josh should go back to Chicago and find someone who can love him like he deserves to be loved, without any reservation. I’m not that person and never will be. I’m not going to allow myself to be vulnerable ever again, even for him. In spite of the fact that I love him; because of the fact that I love him. The hurt is too raw and it runs too deep. I don’t even feel like I have a soul anymore. Buck Hoeff sucked it out when he shot Ryan Roberts down in cold blood right in front of me. He’s taken everything from me. Even dead, he’s won.”
The door swung open and Ryan stood on the threshold with a huge smile on his handsome face.
“Lake, my darling, you are a site for sore eyes. Welcome back!” Ryan strode over to her bed, leaned over and engulfed her in his strong arms.
The medicine had started to work and Lake’s heart rate had moved into the safe zone. Dr. Martin turned and slipped from the room. Soft whining startled Lake and she noticed Alfred in the corner. When her gaze met his, he trotted towards her bed and pawed at the metal rails to be lifted up. Ryan placed the dog in her lap and settled into the chair right beside the bed. He leaned in and never broke eye contact, as if she might disappear.
“RSquared.” Lake lifted her hands up to slide her palms on either side of his face. Never before had she been so elated to see someone. “I’m so sorry for what happened. Can you ever forgive me? If I could take it back, I would. You should never have been at the farm that day. If you hadn’t made it through, I would have died a thousand deaths.”
Lake’s eyes welled up with a new storm of tears. It had always felt impossible to hide her emotions from Ryan and she was glad she didn’t have to.
“Lake, I love you like my own family. It was my honor to protect you. How could any of us know that Buck would start a fire to lure everyone out of the house? Life has twists and turns we can’t anticipate. We just have to do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt and the information we have in any given situation. He’s gone now so we can all move forward. By the way, where’s Trash?” He grinned and interjected his Roberts brand of humor. “Did I tell you yet today that he’s so ugly farmers use his picture as a scarecrow?”
Lake avoided his gaze and couldn’t even manage to give him a tiny smile. She knew that Ryan knew her well enough by now and would surmise she withheld something important from him. She saw his gaze rest on the enormous diamond on her left hand as he tried a different tactic.
“Nice rock.”
Lake reached down, slid it off her finger and handed it to Ryan. She admitted with a quavering voice. “I said no. Can you please give this back to him. It’s dazzling, but I can’t accept it.”
“Lake, I’m confused. It’s undeniable that you are both in love with each other.” Ryan’s voice held no trace of its usual affability, only sadness.
“You’re mistaken, Ryan. I don’t love him enough.”
“I don’t believe you and neither will anyone else. Women always love us.” She appreciated his attempt to steer the conversation back to lighter ground but she couldn’t allow him to veer off her chosen path.
As she stared into his eyes, Lake conceded she couldn’t be totally straight with Ryan. As much as they adored each other, his loyalty lied with Josh after ten years of steadfast friendship. Everything now rode on her ability to reach Ryan and appeal to his wish to help her. She settled on half-truths.
“Ryan, please. I’m so tired of running, of fighting, each and every day, afraid for my physical safety as I wait in terror for the other shoe to drop. I feel as if I’ve already lost the only things worth fighting for and need time alone to heal and reflect. I can’t be distracted by a long distance relationship and don’t want to travel back and forth. I want to concentrate on my horses and my family, the things that make my happy and peaceful.” Lake used every inflection in her tone in an attempt to break through to him. “Can’t you respect that and my need to be by myself for a while? I have nothing to give to anyone right now and no capacity to love. Not like he’s going to want and need. Not like he deserves.”
“Trash can be obstinate when he wants something and I’ve never seen him want something as much as he wants you. I can’t imagine him taking this one refusal as the final answer.”
“Please, Ryan. I know I have no right to ask you for any more favors but I can’t stop myself. Can you please try to talk him back home to Chicago, for my sake?” Lake used her voice to implore him as her lips quivered.
“I can try, but I don’t hold out much hope.” He curled his fingers around the ring and gripped it in his palm. The hope and love it represented had faded away as soon as it left her finger.
“Thank you, Ryan. That’s all I can ask of you.” Lake turned her face to the left as Ryan slipped out the door.
The next thing Lake heard was the rumble of deep voices arguing outside the door to her room. Even though they remained muffled, she sensed the anger. It saddened her to realize she’d caused their disagreement with each other, the first time she’d noticed dissention in their friendship. Her eyes became heavy as the emotional upheaval of the past hour along with the tranquilizer, overtook her body. Just as she allowed her eyelids to drift closed, Josh stalked back into the room.
“I thought you were brave and strong. Not the kind of coward that would try to send Roberts to do your dirty work for you. Look me in the face and tell me you want me to leave this hospital.”
“I want you to leave the hospital and go back to your life. I was your latest fling. Now, it’s over.” She kept her tone flat, emotionless. If she leaned on him now, she wouldn’t survive it when he reached his limit and he left her.
“Lake, you’re not making any sense. It’s like you’re a stranger laying in that bed. I’m in love with you. This isn’t how I wanted to tell you but I can’t leave here without saying it.”
She stayed unaffected. “I want to be alone. You just think you’re in love with me because you don’t know the real me. I’m a bitter, pathetic skeleton of the person I once was. There isn’t any fight left in me. Leave, while you still can, before I ruin your life too. I never want you to think that you are less than what you are.”
“What is that?”
“A man that deserves far, far better than someone like me.”
“This is flat out ridiculous. What are you saying? Can you hear yourself?”
“Yes, I can and I don’t care. Josh, leave, right now. If you don’t, I’m going to ring this call button and have you removed. I told Dr. Martin my feelings. I want you to get out. Get out!”
Lake spoke the words with searing intensity, their aim true. He searched her face for any nuance that might indicate deception and found nothing. No emotion flitted across her features. Incredulous, the gravity of the outcome hit him hard. She was going to end it. She wouldn’t admit that she loved him and say it out loud. She’d willingly and blindly walk away from everything they had shared, everything they could share.
He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. Then he wanted to kidnap her from her hospital bed, take her home and make love to her until she stopped spouting this drivel. Didn’t she know he wanted to spend the rest of his life making her happy? That she was the one who was far too good for the likes of him? Obviously, not. He felt like a fucking idiot. Again. How had he let this happen twice, hand his heart to the wrong woman on a silver platter? He could blame the five days of being sleep deprived while
he experienced extreme swings of emotions but he didn’t have the energy to argue and fight with her anymore. He was done.
As Josh turned to walk out the door he shot some final words in the vicinity of her bed. Lake felt them hit her as though they were stones peppering her body. “Okay, I can see you’re not going to listen to reason. I hope that you’re feeling better soon.” Lake forced herself not to look at him and focused her eyes straight ahead. If she weakened, even for a moment, she’d break down and scream his name, call him back. She’d give anything to feel his arms around her one more time, press his lips against hers and say goodbye. More than that selfish desire, she wanted what was best for him.
Summer had been standing outside the door and had witnessed their final exchange. As she passed Josh, her voice rose in irritation. “That man just spent the past five days at your beside, with little food, drink or sleep. I’ve lost track of the times I walked in here to check on you and found him beside you in the bed, stroking your body, trying to coax it back to life. I don’t believe that you don’t love him. I do believe that you don’t love yourself. What I want to know, is why?”
“I don’t deserve to be loved, not by him. You’re right. I don’t love myself and I don’t want to try. I’m too broken to fight anymore. Agreeing to share my life with a man reduced me to half of a woman. When I’m around, people get hurt. Bringing down the wrath of pain is my unwanted gift to the universe.”
“Lake, you made one bad choice. For God’s sakes, we all make poor choices at points in our lives. You learn from your mistakes and you move on down the path. History is not going to repeat itself. I admit I wasn’t his greatest fan at the beginning but now, I adore that man. He’s proven himself beyond the shadow of a doubt. You can give yourself into his care without reservation and trust yourself to love him. When you know better, you do better.”
Closing The Gap (Dangerous Pasts, #1) Page 21
