by Laura Ward
I punched him in the arm. “Shut the fuck up.”
“Meow. Man, she’s gotten you all worked up. You kissed her yet?”
How could I even try to explain kissing Emma? I wouldn’t. Dean would never get it. The feeling of her soft lips and warm mouth opening up to me. The way she whimpered. She fucking whimpered. I did that. I made her make a sound so vulnerable, so sexy… I’d never wanted a girl like I wanted her. When we separated, I had to think about old Aggie as quickly as possible. I was out of control around her. Wanting more from her. Needing to touch her. Hold her. And…
Shit.
Okay… The time Aunt Agnes visited for Thanksgiving without remembering to pack her mustache bleaching cream or tweezers… Yup, that worked nicely.
Dean was right about one thing. This girl had gotten to me. I was in so much trouble.
***
I MET TREVOR’S mom while I was working with his sister on swim stroke development. I watched many families at the pool during my hours in the guard chair. I could spot a mom whose child had disabilities a mile away.
Always standing alone, watching her child carefully—afraid to look away for even a minute. She usually didn’t have many friends and she generally kept to herself. She was used to other kids being scared of her child or making fun of him or her. She was also tired of the look of sympathy other moms gave her as they watched her special needs child navigate the world around him. Oh, yes, I knew Carol before I ever met her son. She was my people, and I knew we would connect and be comfortable around one another.
Trevor never had a swim lesson due to his autism. His fear of the water and inability to speak kept other instructors from feeling comfortable enough to work with him. So, when I offered to help him, Carol was ecstatic—and terrified. With his skinny physique and short blond hair, Trevor looked like any other twelve year old boy, but he was different and his challenges were many. Carol told me he liked the water. He was almost fascinated by it, really, but he was scared to jump in or submerge his head.
Trevor’s true passion was music, and he was often seen around the pool with headphones on, jamming to the latest Katy Perry song. I guessed the feeling of water in his ears was too much for him. Probably any loud social commotion was overwhelming too, and his music was a calming, constant, de-stressor for him.
My first lesson with Trevor was during my morning break. We sat on the side of the pool, and I talked to him about the water and what it felt like to jump in and play around. Landon was guarding the main pool and watching me work with Trevor.
After we kicked and splashed a bit, I demonstrated jumping in feet first. I asked Trevor to join me, and he shook his head no. I asked if I could splash him and he nodded nervously but also with sheer willpower to overcome this fear. So, I started out with small splashes and ended up drenching him. He laughed loudly and splashed me with his feet. He finally let me pull him into the water, but he ended up cradled in my arms, scared, as we swayed, and I spoke quietly in his ear.
Carol was thrilled with his progression during his first lesson, and we agreed to meet again the next day.
A couple of hours later, Landon was off for his lunch break, and we sat in the guard office eating together. “Tell me about Trevor,” he said.
“Have you ever met anyone with autism?” I watched Landon curiously as he ate his ham and cheese sandwich and showed genuine interest in my interaction with Trevor.
“No, but I’ve heard of autism. A boy at my high school had it and he was pretty much a loner.”
I filled Landon in on the variety of issues people can have on the autism spectrum. My sister may have Downs, but once you are a part of the disability community, you become familiar with many of the issues people in that community face. I explained to Landon that some people with autism were fully functioning in society, often with some social awkwardness, but otherwise could manage and find success in all aspects of life. Others could be totally non-verbal, like Trevor.
Individuals with autism often have a heightened sensitivity, be it to noise, touch, or stimulation of other kinds. They also can develop very intense interests, like Trevor’s with music, that consume them and bring them incredible joy and stability. Landon seemed sincere in his questions, as well as curious and concerned.
He watched Trevor the rest of the afternoon, as Trevor listened to music on his headphones. Trevor bopped to the rhythm filling his ears or rocked in his chair, watching the rest of his family enjoy the pool water, while he stayed on the sidelines, safe and secure. I was sure it bothered Landon as much as it did me that Trevor was alone on this hot July day, while his family members swam in the pool.
“What’s up? You’ve been quiet since lunch.” I was straightening pool chairs and closing umbrellas as Landon hosed down the pool deck at closing time. There were no members left at the pool, and the other guards had finished their chores and gone home. I looked forward to this time each day, working alongside Landon, knowing we could talk freely in total privacy.
“I can’t stop thinking about Trevor. It was so cool watching you work with him. You knew just what to do and how to make him comfortable. How did you do that? How do you relate so well to someone like him?”
The empathy, the sincerity, in Landon’s sensitive questions was quite possibly the sexiest thing about him. And that was really saying something with a body like his.
“Well, I’ve learned a lot from Evie. You should join us tomorrow for the lesson and meet Trevor.” I sat down on a chair by the side of the pool and Landon sat next to me, resting his elbows on his knees and turning his head to watch me thoughtfully.
“At the end of the day, people with disabilities are just people. Treat them with respect, just like you treat anyone else. Talk to them normally—just like anyone else. And, this is the hard part, hold them to the same expectations you hold everyone else. You may have to use a different approach, and you sure as heck will need a lot of patience. But if you can do that, you’ll see something magical.”
I smiled at the look of awe in his eyes. It was a look I had seen both in student teaching and in teaching swim lessons. It was the breakthrough. It was the moment of understanding, when someone really got what you were saying.
“You’ll see that these people you think are so different and hard to relate to are so much more than they seem—and so much more than you ever expected.”
Landon nodded and we headed toward the guard house. He stopped abruptly and I ran into his back. “Jeez. Sorry, Emma. I just… You expect that Trevor will jump into the pool on his own? You expect that he will get comfortable in the water, like everyone else? You just plan on a different tactic to get him there. That’s what you’re saying, right?”
Life Lesson: The moment you realize you might have changed the way a person looks at someone they don’t understand is extraordinary. Never stop trying to do this.
I bumped his elbow with mine and laughed. “You got it. If I can teach Trevor one tiny step towards his ultimate goal of independence in the summer I work with him, well—I couldn’t ask for more.”
Landon’s eyes followed me as I turned off the pool lights and finished cleaning up the inside of our office. I worked quietly, listening to the crickets chirp noisily outside and feeling more content and peaceful than I could remember. Just Landon’s presence made me happy.
Once I finished all my responsibilities for the night, I glanced at the clock. Sweet. I still had an hour before I had to be home for Evie. I plopped onto the worn couch and watched Landon.
He was quiet, standing off to the side of the room, and reading something on his iPhone. I’d bet he was thinking through our conversation. I hoped I hadn’t overwhelmed him. There was a tendency in me to get passionate when I talked about people with special needs. Maybe I had really turned him off by dumping my thoughts on him? He was only a nineteen-year-old college guy, after all.
Landon’s gruff voice broke through my neurotic, self-conscious train of thoughts. “Some friends of mine ar
e having a party tomorrow night. Will you come with me?”
He sat on the couch next to me and pulled me onto his lap.
“Can’t. I’m driving Evie and her boyfriend to a dance. Mom’s working, of course.” Landon began stroking my arms and back, and I wanted to purr against him.
“Well, then, can I come with you?” He kissed my ear and neck and I inhaled deeply. Maybe I hadn’t overwhelmed him too much. God, that felt amazing. I wanted to turn immediately and press against him. The feelings were building in me so fast. It was a physical rush being this close to him.
“You would rather drive my sister and her boyfriend to a dance at the YMCA than party with your friends?”
“I’d rather be with you. Over anything else.” He continued kissing my neck, dragging his tongue from my ear down to my collarbone. I was about to lose my ever-loving mind. Now it was too late. I needed to feel more. I turned to straddle him, acutely aware that we were both wearing nothing but swim suits.
“You are so sweet.” I kissed his lips lightly and began to rock against him. His erection felt like steel between my legs, and I knew he was as shredded as I was. He moaned softly when I increased the pressure between us. It would take all of my strength to keep in control with him.
“Jesus, Em.” He held me tight against him as I moved, pressing his lips harder against mine. His tongue plunged into my mouth, twisting around my own. Landon knew how to kiss. I didn’t know much about guys, but I knew that this one was talented with his lips. He may only be nineteen, but he was either extremely experienced with girls, or insanely gifted—maybe both. He held my face in his hands and gently bit my lower lip before sucking on it. He dominated that kiss, showing me his attraction and control. We both pulled away, gasping, eyes blurred with intensity.
“Land.” I looked into his eyes and melted. There was a look of thrilled agony there. He was as excited as I was. And I was very, very excited. My body pulsed from the friction of rubbing against him. I took a steadying breath.
“I know. You have to go. I’ll walk you.” He gave me a short kiss, and I put on shorts and locked the office as we headed to our cars. I put my bags in the trunk and turned to see Landon, bare chested, swimsuit hanging low on one side—just enough to show both the tan line that ran across his hipbone and the start of that sexy V that only guys with the most ripped muscles possessed—leaning against his sexy as hell truck. Was there a hotter sight?
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I kissed his collarbone and he grunted. “See you tomorrow.”
Landon effortlessly lifted me up to him so we were face to face. “Short stuff, you’re killing me, here. You are so beautiful, so sexy, and… always leaving me.”
I laughed and kissed him again before driving away. How long had it been since I flirted? Since I shamelessly made out with a guy? Landon was just so incredibly fun, and, yet, also turning out to be a really good guy. I wanted him in a way that scared me. Landon had managed to work his way into my head and his touch caused my body to vibrate with excitement. I had never ached for a guy before. It was frustrating and exhilarating at the same time.
My mom was still home when I arrived. “You’re looking pretty smiley these days, Emma. You trying something—or someone—new?” She winked as she filled her water bottle.
“I am, Mom. The guy you met—he’s pretty great.”
“Evie told me lots about Landon.”
I looked over at Evie, eating cookies and milk, and she looked down with a smirk—part guilty, part proud.
“Did she now?” I grabbed one of Evie’s cookies and filled my mom in on Landon Washington.
“So, nineteen isn’t bad. He’s younger than you, but in the real world, two years is nothing. The hard part is that he will be heading back to college in the fall. Are you okay with that?”
“Mom, this isn’t serious. I want to enjoy this summer. I’m forcing myself to loosen up and live a little. I’m trying to stop controlling everything, since that hasn’t exactly worked for me so far.”
My mom’s expression quickly changed. “I’m so sorry, Emma,” she murmured softly, as she hugged me, trying to hide the devastation on her face. She blamed herself for not getting a better paying job and even for my Dad leaving. There was no reason for her to feel guilty, though. She was dealt the same shit hand of cards that I was. At least we were playing the game together, win or lose.
“Mom, I’m where I want to be. I love being with you and Evie. I just also want a hot summer guy to flirt with.” I teased her, hoping to change the topic and keep the expression of raw pain off her face.
“Lotta smoochin, Emma!” Evie yelled from the table and we all laughed.
“That’s the plan big sister.” I rumpled her hair and left for a much needed cool off in the shower.
And if he happens to also be a lot of fun and do amazing things to your libido—consider yourself blessed.
***
THE NEXT DAY Landon joined me for my lesson with Trevor. He introduced himself and watched me talk to Trevor about the cool water and how good it felt on your warm body on a hot day. Landon asked Trevor if he wanted to watch him jump in and make a big splash and Trevor nodded vigorously. Twenty cannon balls later, Trevor was soaking wet from Landon’s huge splashes, and, smiling uncontrollably, he agreed to hang onto me in the pool. Trevor was beginning to have fun in the water, and we were making real progress.
Later that day, Landon sat by the pool with Trevor. Trevor had let Landon listen to his headphones, and Landon was bopping along to the music, not caring at all about how he appeared. The joy on Trevor’s face was contagious, and my feelings for Landon grew. This guy was truly wonderful. Could this be more than just a hot summer fling?
I had told my mom, and, hell, I told myself that this was just for fun. But was I being honest? Landon was quickly becoming more than just a friend and way more than just a hook up. He was someone I cared about and watching him with Trevor and Evie caused a rush of feelings inside me that I couldn’t figure out. I liked to be in control. I liked to have a handle on my emotions. Now, it felt like everything was spinning. My head, my heart, my body—were all spinning out of control because of him.
Landon arrived at my house that night after work. He kissed me on the cheek and then grinned at me, casually placing his hands in his front pockets. He looked completely relaxed and at the same time exuded a confidence that only came from understanding exactly what he wanted from the night—and from life.
My strapless cotton sundress wasn’t fancy, but it was a definite step up from our pool attire. I smoothed the front of my dress, nervously, and tried not to attack my guest. What was someone that freaking amazing doing with me? In my apartment? I needed to get myself together. Immediately—if not sooner.
Evie met us in the living room in a long, pink, ruffled dress. She had quite a bit of make up on and probably every piece of jewelry she owned. Damn. I should have checked on her while she got ready. I continued to struggle with allowing Evie the autonomy she wanted so badly and my need to shield her from people’s cruel comments and stares. Too late this time. We were ignoring my “less is more” speech tonight.
“Evie. You look gorgeous! Garrett is one lucky man!” Landon kissed Evie on the cheek and her eyes widened.
“You do look great, sis. The belle of the ball! Let’s head out to get your man.” I insisted on driving because, with their mobility issues, neither my sister nor Garrett could easily climb into Landon’s huge truck. We arrived at Garrett’s apartment only to see him waiting, pacing, on the front step. Like Evie, Garrett was short and on the heavier side. He sported a buzz cut and had gentle blue eyes. He was also kind, polite, and crazy about my sister.
He ran to the car, corsage in hand. Evie jumped out of the back seat, squealing with joy as they embraced. Landon looked at me and squeezed my hand. He was starting to get it. It was unquestionably endearing to see two people who loved each other despite their many challenges.
When I really thought about
it, though, didn’t all couples have to struggle with personal challenges to make a relationship work? Garrett and Evie just had different issues to overcome. But not so different than anyone else, and I wanted to support them in any way I could.
Evie waited patiently while Garrett walked around the circumference of the car twice before climbing in. This was one of Garrett’s quirks—kind of like OCD. Whenever he came into a room, or even before he got into a vehicle, he had a ritual where he had to walk around the area two times before he could go forward. Never three times, never once. Just something he needed to do. I looked over at Landon, waiting to see a smirk or a laugh, but, instead, he watched Garrett without comment. We dropped them off at the dance, being instructed by the happy couple to not come in and embarrass them, and we promised to pick them up again in two hours.
“We don’t have enough time for a movie. Are you okay hanging at my house?” Nerves raced through me at the thought of being alone at home with Landon for the first time. I was petrified that I wouldn’t be able to stop with him once we started touching each other. My pent up sexual tension might turn me into an all-out fiend. I was already bordering on a dependency issue from his kisses alone.
He wasn’t the first guy I’d made out with, but it had been awhile. I never dated at all in high school. My school was fairly big—there were about 500 guys. All they cared about was sports, beer, and nailing girls. As many as possible. They thought I was a loser, and I thought they were asswipes. It was a mutual non-admiration society.
I dated one guy in college. Jeremy Porter. He was simple and an all-around nice guy, but as soon as I got the call from my mom at the end of sophomore year, I had to end things with him. He quickly joined a fraternity, started dating skanks, and began pointedly ignoring me around campus.
My track record was noticeably unimpressive, so I was feeling anxious.
“Hell yeah, short stuff! Alone with you at last.” He winked and rested his large hand on my thigh as I drove the short distance home. My pulse quickened at the contact. I quietly blew out a breath of air, attempting to steady my nerves, and tried to stop thinking about what I wanted him to do with that hand.
