by Laura Ward
“You will. I believe that completely. You’ll be a great dad one day.” I had no business saying that, but I had grown to know who Landon really was, and I could see the kind of soul that existed under that macho façade.
“And I will settle for nothing less than love and devotion from the future father of my kids. I want that.” I pointed out the group in the pool. “For them and for me.”
“You’ll get it, short stuff. I know you will. If you don’t already know this about yourself, you’re pretty determined when you want something.” I laughed and he helped me up from the ledge to start shutting down the pool for the night.
An hour later, his arms wrapped around me and he rested his chin on my shoulder. “Smells fantastic. What’s for dinner?”
“Fajitas.” I turned my head around to catch his expression and winked.
“You know, I think you’re making me all this Mexican food because you want your promised dessert. Is that what’s going on here?” Landon began nibbling and sucking on my neck and I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes in bliss.
“Umm… what was that? I can’t really focus right now. But please keep doing exactly what you’re doing.”
Landon laughed against my neck and broke away to set the table.
“Uh uh. No dessert for you until you eat a good dinner. There are rules here, short stuff. You need to follow them.” Landon carried the food to the table as I dished up the fajita meat and vegetables in a big bowl.
“Awww. Cute! It’ll be like this for me and Garrett.” Evie had walked into the kitchen and smiled brightly as she watched Landon and I prepare dinner and tease one another. She had loved having him join us for dinner each night. She thought of Landon as her friend too, and she basked in the attention he gave her. She also noticed how happy I was and knew that was because of Landon.
“What do you mean, Evie?” We all sat at the table, and I took a sip of water, watching her curiously.
“When we movein togever.” Evie was focused on filling her fajita with chicken, sour cream, and cheese, and as little vegetables as possible. I looked up and frowned at Landon.
“Eves, Mom talked to you about this already. She’s requested a female roommate for you when you get your own place. Garrett lives with Ed.”
Evie swallowed a big bite of food before speaking. “We’re in love. We want to be togever.”
Landon and I looked at each other for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. Evie knew she had challenges that made her different from other people. She knew she attended a different kind of a school than I did, and she understood that those challenges made her unable to drive like I could and required her to live with a helper when I didn’t have to. But love? No one could or would tell her that she couldn’t love someone like everyone else could. Now, living with that someone? That was new territory for people with disabilities, and I didn’t know exactly what to say.
“I know you love him and he loves you. But moving in together is a very big step. You have to be totally sure before you go there. It’s a good idea to have a roommate first and be independent before you even start thinking about living with Garrett.”
Evie scowled darkly at me. “No.” She took another large bite and studied her plate.
Landon sought my permission with his eyes and I nodded. Have at it, buddy. I had pissed her off and Evie was unbelievably hard-headed when she was mad.
“You know, I’ve met Garrett. He’s an awesome guy.” Evie looked up to Landon and nodded carefully. “As a guy myself, I can tell you, I’d want my girlfriend to be absolutely sure and totally ready before we moved in together.” Evie narrowed her eyes at him in frustration.
“Because, Evie, if Garrett is like me, and I bet he is, when I love a girl, it’s forever. And when I move in with her, I’ll never leave her. So, I bet Garrett wants you to live with a friend for a while and then when it’s time, it’ll happen. Don’t give up. No one’s saying no. They’re just saying, not yet.” My heart swelled as I heard his words. He hadn’t told me he loved me because he considered those words sacred. If he did say them to me, he would mean it wholeheartedly. I could trust in that. God, he was a really, really good guy.
Evie jumped up and threw her arms around Landon’s neck and he hugged her back tightly. “I like you,” Evie told Landon and tears burned in the back of my eyes. Evie was so hard to get through to when she was upset. But Landon could talk to her like a guy, something none of us had ever had in our lives before. He helped her when she needed him. He was special, and he was everything I never knew I needed in my life.
***
“IT’S OFFICIAL. YOU are a vagina. A walking, talking, six foot tall vagina—right before my damn eyes,” Dean blurted out. He closed his eyes and shook his head in pseudo distress.
I reached over and pushed him off his deck chair onto the patio floor. “Fuck you dude, it was just a party. One of many. Been there, done that.”
Dean snorted and slapped the back of my head as he got back up. “If you had a good excuse, I’d get it. But you skipped Cammie’s big blowout to hang out with a couple of kids with Down syndrome? What the fuck?”
“Not that I owe you an explanation for how I spend my own damn time, but Emma and I drove her sister Evie, who has Downs, and her boyfriend Garrett, who does not have Downs—he has other developmental disabilities—to a dance.” I took a long pull from my beer and watched various moronic emotions flash across Dean’s face.
“Develop—what? Huh? And hold on—people like that actually date? Like have boyfriends and crap? I don’t think that’s normal, man.” Dean’s confusion was pretty comical. Ignorant as hell, but comical.
“And you’re supposed to be the standard for normal? Dude—you have the personal hygiene habits of an infant and the brain capacity of a ninety year old. You telling me what’s normal is as fucked up as Payton Manning being traded by the Colts.” I sat back and grinned, waiting for his comeback.
But he didn’t have one. He sat back in his chair and watched me, with one eyebrow raised. So I continued. “People with disabilities are different than you and me, but not as much as you think. I’ve gotten to know Evie really well, and she’s cool as hell. She’s more like us than not, and, yes, she dates and goes to dances. She also tells hilarious jokes, goes to the movies, has real feelings for people, and would know you were a grade ‘A’ douche canoe in two seconds flat. So watch it, numb nuts.”
Dean continued to stare at me, processing his slow moving thoughts. “Okaaaaay. This is serious, right? With this Emma chick? I mean, you’re different, dude. Not in a bad way—but you seem older. Like time with this girl, who I still have to meet, by the way, has really changed you.”
I paused. How did I answer that question? How could I put into words just how seriously I felt about Emma? How much she had already changed me? Was it the first time I saw that beautiful but angry and isolated girl hold a terrified twelve year old boy in her arms, cradling him like a baby, whispering in his ear until he relaxed enough to tolerate the water?
How talking to her about Trevor made me want to get to know him. Understand him. Help him. Make up for all the times I acted like everyone else and ignored him or stayed away from him in fear of some awkward interaction.
Should I explain to Dean that spending time with Emma, Evie, and Garrett made me think about my neighbor Kevin, who scared me for no good reason as a child? I’d never talked to anyone about Kevin, since I brought it up to my dad and he wigged out and called Kevin’s parents. Kevin never tried to play with us again. What was worse was the look of shame in his eyes anytime I saw him. That was the last time I ever opened up to my dad about anything. Talking to Emma about that time made me realize I wanted nothing more in life than to become nothing like my father.
And when I did tell her how ashamed I was, she didn’t hate me. She kissed me. And it made me want to tell her every thought and worry and mistake I ever made. But then she kissed me again. And that’s all I wanted to think about and
feel.
How could I tell Dean that he just didn’t get it? That her touch, the feel of her on my skin, time talking with her… It shattered me. That kissing her lips and feeling her tongue tangle with mine lit me on fire. That the times we were together were the most passionate I’d known.
A part of me wanted to tell him that we hadn’t even had sex yet. But it was none of his business. I wanted to make love to her so badly. I’d never waited more than a week to have sex with a girl before. Never had to. They always offered it up on a silver platter. Begged me to take them. It wasn’t like I thought Emma didn’t want me. I knew she was battling her own self-control whenever we were together, but I could tell that was a step she wasn’t ready to take. And I was fine to wait. It wasn’t like I didn’t get to watch her come every single night. Or feel her hands on me, making me lose my mind from the body wracking pleasure, whispering how she made me feel, so that I didn’t wake her sister.
Should I share with my best friend that my stellar parents ditched me once again? Usually he and his family would be the ones to take me in, cook me a hot meal, and help keep me company. But this time, it was her. We shared dinner together—every night. I sat in her kitchen while she cooked and I talked to her and Evie. Really talked. About our thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. It wasn’t about football or any other sport. She wanted to know what was inside of me. If this was what real, true intimacy was, then sign me up. This must be what a true family felt like.
At first I got the feeling she thought we were casual. A ‘summer fling’ she called it. But there was no way that was happening. She was the most unbelievable girl I’d ever known. I was not letting her go after this summer. I just needed more time to convince her of that.
Time. It was all becoming about the timing. Time spent with Emma made me think about things I’d never thought of before. Like what kind of a man I wanted to be, and what kind of a father I would strive to become, and how I would feel when I lived with a girl. When I loved a girl. I was falling for her—but saying the words… Saying, “I love you.” It wasn’t the right time for that. I’d never said it to a girl other than my mom, and it had been years since we awkwardly exchanged that sentiment. A part of me knew it was coming… but I wouldn’t say it to Emma until the time was right. Because once I did, it would mean I could never giver her up.
After my long break considering all the things I wanted to tell him, I responded to Dean with, “Yeah. I feel really different. She’s… the coolest fucking girl I know.”
Dean leaned back in his chair and sighed. We’d been friends long enough that he knew I was in way deep. “Ass munch, I get that she’s wicked awesome and all, but you aren’t being honest with her. What the hell do you think will happen when you tell her?”
“I know, man. I know. I just need more time. If I know she’s fallen for me, like I’ve fallen for her, she’ll get it. She has to. She seriously has to understand.”
Dean didn’t say anything else. His expression said it all.
***
“PUT DOWN THE Kindle, Em.” Large, warm hands covered my eyes and I giggled. I giggled. I freaking giggled. I think the last time I giggled I was ten years old. But time with Landon was like a balm to my soul. He soothed me and made me come alive.
“What are you doing? I’m busy… I’m reading!” Turning around with mock irritation, I saw Landon had changed out of his guard suit and was wearing khaki cargo shorts and a white T-shirt.
He twirled his keys around his finger and smirked. “You’re not busy… I checked. The pool is dead today, and we have extra guards on duty. You and I are leaving. Grab your bag.” Landon walked into the guard house and signed out from work.
“Where are we going? You know I have to be home for Evie in a few hours!” I crossed my arms over my chest and tilted my head. I hated surprises, and I might’ve been the least spontaneous person walking the earth. That was how Boring and I got to be so close, after all.
“No questions. I’m aware of your time table, darlin’, and I won’t make you late.” Landon handed me my bag and motioned toward the women’s changing room.
“Okay. Okay. I guess I’ll go change then. Sheesh.” I walked away, shaking my head, but inside I was whistling and skipping down the hallway. Any chance to be alone with Landon sounded like music to my ears.
Ten minutes later we were driving down the road in Landon’s truck with the windows down and the radio turned up. My favorite summer anthem, Cruise by Florida Georgia Line, was playing, and I rested my head on the back of the seat and closed my eyes. Soon, the big tires crunched on gravel and a large lake surrounded by trees was in front of us. “Where are we?”
Landon jumped out of the driver’s side and came around to open my door. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me down. “Russell Lake. It’s one of my favorite places to visit. You can fish, swim, picnic, take a nap… even read here.” He lightly elbowed my ribcage as he mentioned reading. I knew he found it amusing that my nose was usually buried in my Kindle, but I couldn’t help it. Once I got caught up in a storyline, I couldn’t just stop. I wouldn’t expect him to turn off a Cleveland Indian’s game that was tied in the eighth inning, so he shouldn’t expect me to walk away from a great plot twist. Fair’s fair.
Reading was always a total escape for me, and I grew up engrossed in the innocent love affairs of characters like Laura and Alonso from the Laura Ingalls Wilder books and Anne and Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables. The women in these stories were strong, feisty, and confident. They met equally strong, caring men who loved them deeply and wanted to both protect them and allow them their independence. It was exactly what I wanted. I dreamed of meeting a guy who encouraged me to be exactly who I wanted to be, and, yet, would jump at the chance to stand up for me and love me. I had spent the past twenty-one years thinking he didn’t exist in real life—only on the faded pages of my books. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
“You know, if you weren’t checking the latest baseball scores on your phone all the time, you might have time to read, too!” I pinched his arm, and he picked me up and twirled me around.
“Ouch! That hurts short stuff! And no, I don’t have time to read…. I’m too busy watching you.” He held me up in front of him and I clasped my arms around his neck and brushed my lips across his.
“Mmmm. Well, I wouldn’t want to stop that.” He set me back on my feet, and I looked around. “What’s the plan?”
“No plan, Em. We have a few hours to hang out.” He opened the tailgate to his truck and pulled out a cooler and a blanket. We walked to the sandy bank of the lake, and I helped him spread out the blanket before diving down to settle in.
Lying on my back, the warm sun seeped into my pores. The sky was a brilliant blue and a slight breeze moved around us. The lake was quiet, midday on a Wednesday. The only sounds were from the buzzing of insects around the water. Landon sat next to me and opened his cooler. He set out water bottles, grapes, pretzels, and sandwiches. I picked up a fresh turkey, bacon, and avocado sandwich. These weren’t thrown together; they were made with care and attention.
“Did you make this?”
Drinking the ice cold water, his cheeks reddened. “Yup. I’m a man of many, many talents.” Landon took a bite and winked.
“Well, I know you have talented hands and lips, but I had no clue you were this handy in the kitchen. This could change things. I don’t think I want you to move back to Bloomington.” I picked up my own sandwich and started to eat. Landon looked down and was quiet for a few minutes.
“What’s wrong?” I wiped my hands and face on my napkin and pulled my knees underneath me as I faced him.
“Nothing. I’m just not sure I want to go back to IU.” Landon wouldn’t meet my eye, but I grabbed his hands and moved myself onto his lap.
“What?!? You’re on the football team! And you may not know this, but you’re mega hot, which automatically makes you popular with girls. Give me my bag. I’m sure I have a mirror in there. I can prove it to you!�
� Landon rolled his eyes at my humor as I continued on. “Why in the hell would you not want to go back to campus?” I searched his face for any clues of his anxiety, but Landon continued to look at the blanket as he talked to me.
“I’m second string. I see no real action in the games. I’m not that good, Em... And I’ve had a great summer with you. I don’t want to say goodbye.”
I gently lifted his chin with my finger, forcing him to look at me. “First of all, there are two weeks left in the summer before you have to leave. Second, you are going into your sophomore year. You won’t stay second string for long. Not with the way you work out, buddy. Finally, let’s cross the goodbye bridge when we come to it. I’m not letting you miss out on a minute of college. I had to and it sucked. IU is less than ninety minutes away. We could visit—” Landon cut off my ramble with a hard kiss, crushing my body against him. He stood up, still kissing me and walked closer to the lake.
Then, he lifted me away from his body and threw me in the water. I jumped up from the muddy bottom, wiping the water from my eyes and wringing out my hair. “What the hell? You are so damn lucky I have a swim suit on under these clothes!”
“Sorry, Em. You looked overheated. Thought I should cool you off.” Landon laughed as he walked backwards out of the water.
“Oh no you don’t! Get back here!” I splashed him, kicking water with my feet and hands. He was drenched, but he still turned to run away. I hopped out of the water and jumped on his back, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. “Not so fast, trouble maker!”
Landon was laughing so hard his body was shaking, and before I knew what was happening, he ran at a full sprint back into the lake. He dove into the cool water, submerging both of us. When we emerged from the water, he was in front of me, his face so close I could feel his breath.
