Tyrin was unarmed by the language and realized that it may be in his best interest to allow him to leave. Spencer never moved from that one spot or uttered a single word in his defense. After Khalil left the apartment he stood in silence and accepted the fact that he had crossed the line and possibly pushed Khalil out of his life for good. He wanted to run after him but had no idea what he could say to justify Tyrin being in his apartment.
“I’m going to leave.” Tyrin said to Spencer.
“Shit, you might as well stay now. The damage has been done.”
“I’m sorry if I broke up your friendship. I should’ve known better.”
“Yeah well as of late you haven’t been the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to decision making. What the hell am I going to do though? Lest you forget, he and I still work and own a shop together. This is going to get extremely awkward.”
“Can I make you a drink?” Tyrin asked as he closed the front door.
“Triple shot of Gran Patron. Thanks.”
NINETEEN
Khalil walked through the house doing last minute inspections. He wanted to make sure that everything of his had been removed and put onto the truck. In a few minutes all of this would be behind him and he could focus on getting on with his life. Since the unexpected discovery of the Tyrin-Spencer alliance he had to call in a favor to Corny and a few of the willing workers hovering outside the truck rental location. In five hours hours he and the four other pairs of hands were able to load up year’s worth of acquired merchandise.
The master bedroom now solely belonged to Tyrin and the kitchen was totally void of anything needed to prepare a decent meal. One of the guest rooms was totally empty, as was half of the living room. The only rooms that remained untouched were the weight room and the game room. He made sure that the carpet was vacuumed, floors mopped, glass cleaned, and bathrooms scrubbed. All that was left to do was leave the keys and garage opener in a place where Tyrin would find them, and be on his way.
“Who are all those fucking immigrants in my damn driveway?” Tyrin asked as he entered into the house closing the front door behind him. He walked through the mirrored entryway and stopped at the top of the three steps that led down into the living room. His eyes began to scan the room for any sign of vandalism and to his surprise the place looked unharmed.
“Hello Khalil.” Tyrin said from the foyer.
“Hi.” He nervously responded.
“So, this is it huh?” He asked. “I don’t understand why you didn’t want to do this face to face. I know you’re angry, upset, mad and whatever the hell else, but you could at least be man enough to handle this in a mature fashion.” His body was tense and his stiff demeanor was causing Khalil to grow a bit nervous.
“Actually I’m trying to be as cordial as possible in spite of all that is going on. What more do you want from me?”
“Really? It’s interesting how when you want to talk we talk, but when I try and be considerate to you, I’m shut out.” he said slowly walking down the steps. “So I take it that you have gotten all of your shit, oops, sorry pastor. Your stuff out of my house?”
“I left the keys and garage opener on the dining room table.” He felt himself wanting to argue the last statement but knew that it wouldn’t serve a purpose, so he just stood firm and watched his ex approach him in a very confrontational manner. The closer Tyrin got the more uneasy he felt, and without thinking he slowly began to back himself into the warm window behind him. “I’m going to leave Tyrin. I need to get the truck unloaded and returned to the rental agency by a certain time.”
“It’s like that now?” He asked with a chuckle. “You don’t even feel comfortable around me?”
The two were now standing face to face, one attempting to get closer, and the other desiring to get away. Tyrin placed his thumb over the scar on Khalil’s mouth and slowly caressed it as he reflected on the actions that led to its presence. Khalil smelled the liquor on Tyrin’s breath and turned his faced away from the scent, only to be further bothered by the hot window that was now resting against his cheek.
“Why are you running from me?” Tyrin asked as he firmly gripped his face in his hand. “Oh, I get it. You’re scared of me? You weren’t scared when I was pumping you from behind, so why the hell you scared now?” He placed his free hand on Khalil’s genitals while never losing eye contact with his obviously unwilling partner. Khalil tried to pry himself from between the glass and the stranger that had him pinned but the more he struggled the harder Tyrin gripped his face. He began to kiss and nibble on his exposed neck and grind his pelvis on Khalil’s trapped body. “Will you please stop? You’re hurting my damn face.” Khalil begged.
“You used to like it like this. Why are you tripping?” He pulled his erect penis out of his sweatpants and backed away from Khalil. As he stood there exposed in front of his unmoved ex, he realized that it was truly over between them. His anger mixed with hurt was too much for him to bear and his expressions showed his feelings of defeat. He slowly pulled up his sweats and stood there staring at his betrayed partner that no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. “You really don’t love me anymore do you?” he sadly asked.
Khalil felt the tears begin to stream down his cheek and was unsure if he should answer the question. The two stood in awkward silence for what seemed like an eternity before Tyrin went into a fit of verbal rage. “What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you see that all of this is a sign that we were meant to be together? We both are positive, who else would want us? Stop tripping and just think about it? You’re being so fucking difficult and it’s driving me crazy! Fuck!”
“You have really lost your mind. Do you have any idea what you have done to my life? Do you know that because of you I can now never have children? Because of you I have to take medication everyday for the rest of my life? You have cut my life short and now you have the audacity to say that we are meant to be together. You really have issues!” Khalil felt his suppressed anger begin to flow to the surface and he was ready to deal with Tyrin head on.
“Issues, how can you say that to me? I would kill, as well as die for you, and you are going to stand there and say that I have issues. You’re never going to find anybody that loves you the way I do. Leave me? I dare you. Khalil I swear to God that if you even think about getting with somebody else, male or female, I will fucking kill you!”
“You swear to God? You don’t even know God! You cussed out a friend of mine in front of God’s House, so how dare you use him in a sentence.” Khalil began to walk toward the door and was glad that this ordeal was almost over.
“You think I’m bullshitting don’t you?” He said as he closely walked behind him. “You’ll be back! You were born gay and you’re gonna die gay, so you may as well hang all that church shit up and come back home!”Khalil was certain that he was going to make it, his heart was beating at a rapid pace and he knew that he was being followed but tried to show no signs of fear. As he was about to turn the knob he felt his head jerk back and his body was flung face first into the mirrored wall that paneled the entryway. The velocity of the impact caused his forehead to crack the glass and when he impulsively turned around to try and defend himself, Tyrin’s firm grip around his neck was pinning him into the shattered glass. “Don’t leave me Khalil. I can’t make it without you.” Tyrin’s face was covered with tears and beads of sweat were beginning to form on his forehead. His eyes were intense and the energy that was emerging from his body was filled with both pain and fear.
“Let…” Khalil struggled to speak as he embedded his nails deep into Tyrin’s forearm trying to get him to release. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. He had given his life to God in the midst of a major trial and this was his payment. He was struggling to get his breath and as Tyrin squeezed tighter he felt his eyes fill with water and the room turned into a kaleidoscope of images. The pain in his neck accompanied with the throb in his forehead was becoming too much for him to bear. As the
air grew thin and his lungs became tight, he knew this was it. Tyrin was going to kill him and there was nothing he could do about it, he had no strength left, the struggle was over and his body was growing weak.
“I love you.” He loosened his grasp and thrust his tongue down Khalil’s throat. Khalil stared at the ceiling and wanted so bad for all of this to finally be over. The act he was once a willing participant was now something that he wished would end. He couldn’t breathe and the harder Tyrin kissed, the less oxygen he was receiving. His heart was pounding in his chest and he needed Tyrin to stop but he didn’t have the strength to push him away. Finally, Tyrin removed his mouth and said, “I’ll be here when you get back.” Khalil hunched over grabbing his throat coughing, gasping for air and scared to move a muscle.
Khalil stood straight up and as his eyes met Tyrin’s, he wiped his lips and said, “I can’t believe we actually got to this point. You were everything to me and I lived for you. I loved you more than you will probably ever realize, but you got weak and selfish.” He paused to regain his composure. “I think that’s what hurts the most, your selfishness. And how you aren’t even willing to let me go and get my life back.” He looked into the changed man opposite him and felt his heart ripping in two. “I hate that I can’t hate you. I want to hate you so badly but I just can’t. I should hate you. I need to hate you, but Tyrin, what is killing me is that I can’t hate you.”
Tyrin felt his eyes begin to water as he looked into Khalil’s. He knew that the end had come. He realized that there was no way to salvage what had been done. As much as he wanted him to stay, he knew that it was not in the best interest for either of them. The anger he had at himself for allowing this to happen was overpowering. He moved away from Khalil, walked back into the living room and just sat on the couch. He was exhausted and had no more fight in him.
Khalil somberly stared at him for a moment before opening the door that led to the waiting world. As the sun shined into the foyer of what once used to be his palace of dreams, he stepped onto the walkway that would lead him away from it all. He walked outside thanking God for his life and noticed Corny looking at him with worried eyes. Corny rushed up to him, noticed the cut on his forehead and was about to rush into the house after Tyrin but Khalil grabbed him, “Don’t bother man. It’s over, it’s finally over. Let’s just go. I will be fine.”
“You sure? Man you don’t have to take this from nobody. Is he still in there?”
“Remember what you said to me at Roscoe’s?”
“Which part?” Corny asked in frustration.
“You said to let you know when I think it will be a good time for me to move on.”
“Oh yeah, I remember that.” he answered with a calming smile.
“Well I’m letting you know now, so let’s just go.”
He looked back at the house one more time, taking all of it in. He never imagined a day when he would be walking away from it all. But he knew that going back through those doors were no longer an option. He felt the warm summer breeze on his face and looked at the three workers waiting by the U-Haul. Corny began walking toward the truck and as he followed suit he had no choice but to understand that everything was part of a plan greater than his own.
He, along with one of the workers, hopped into his convertible and pulled away from the place he once called home. He entered Pacific Coast Highway, let out a sigh and said “OK Lord, it’s all on you now.” He turned up his Karen Clark-Sheard CD and as her sisters helped her sing ‘Jesus Is a Love Song’, he looked over at his passenger and said “I hope you don’t mind gospel, because this is all I got right now.”
EPILOGUE
“Nine months ago I found out I was HIV positive. So many things have changed about me. I found some humorous and some not so funny. My transition into who I am today was not an easy one; I was faced with many trials and forced to deal with a lot of things about myself that are still being worked on. HIV is not just a virus like a cold or the flu, it is a life changing disease that if goes untreated can and will kill. It is not a gay disease, nor does it have a specific race that it attacks. It is like a bullet that has no name on it. Since my diagnosis, I have begun a treatment of seven pills a day, three in the afternoon and four at bedtime. I have to get constant checkups and my blood will be taken every three months for viral load and T-cell count. All of this will be done over the course of my lifetime.” He cleared his throat, looked back into the silent crowd and proceeded forth.
“The one positive thing that came out of my diagnosis is that I have totally given my life to God and I know that he has plan for me. I always knew I was special but I never knew how much he wanted my attention until that fateful day many months ago. I am well aware of the fact that the road won’t be easy and I am sure that there are going to be days when I want to quit, but if you knew all that I went through to get to where I am today you would know that turning back is not an option. The places I used to go, I have no desire to visit, and the people I used to hang around are doing their thing without me, but I know that in the end we all have to answer to the same God. And for those of you out there that are wondering, yes I was homosexual, and yes I did get the virus from having sex with a man.” He looked around to see who would get up and leave the church upon hearing that bit of information. As the congregation continued to listen he took another deep breath and continued.“My testimony is not one of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity; but one that is about trusting another with the life and body that God gave you. I was gay, proud, Christian, and in love with the same sex. However, when it comes to the church’s understanding of the homosexual lifestyle, the church must first take the blinders off and realize that all gays are not sexual deviants. The struggle is not with an overt sexual appetite because anyone can have that, but it is one that deals with an intense feeling that you never asked for but just found yourself taking indulgence in.” he heard an Elder behind him say amen and a few other congregants made comments that were positive.
“There is nothing like serving God and though the devil may try and tempt me, I know where I stand. Deliverance doesn’t mean the attacks are going to stop, it just means that you know you are being attacked and you now know what to pray against. God has brought me from a mighty long way and I know I have a long way to go because he is still shedding some things off of me. The process is not simple and you are forced to face some things about yourself that will bring about tears, but as long as you keep on holding on to His hand you will make it through.
So to all of you out there I just want to say hold on, be strong and when the battle gets too tough, know that you are doing the right thing. The enemy only wants those that he knows he can’t get back, so he will try and pull every trick out of his hat to make you think you are crazy for serving God. I would just like to thank Pastor Elliott for allowing me to share my testimony with you and I hope that someone out there realizes that they are not alone in their fight. And whatever your struggle, nothing is too hard for God.” Khalil handed the microphone back to the armor bearer and walked back toward his seat amongst the hundreds of people that were standing in ovation to his testimony.
Vanessa and Lauren were in the congregation beaming with radiant joy and delight at his strength. They both attended the service because Khalil had finally found a church and this was the day that the pastor was going to announce his acceptance into ministry. He had been visiting many churches throughout L.A., but he caught wind of this particular one in Long Beach. The spirit was strong enough to keep him and the men were men, he didn’t have to worry about numbers being passed to him or the ever-present gay organist.
“I still don’t know why he cut all his hair off,” Lauren leaned in and whispered to her mother.
“Shut up girl. I think he looks good with waves. Look at how these girls are staring at him. HIV or not, your brother is prime grade and these sisters look hungry.” Vanessa proudly exclaimed.
After church the three of them went to brunch at Shanghai Red’s
in the Marina to celebrate his newfound church home. For the first time in nine months, with the boats gently passing by and the calm breeze setting the atmosphere for a beautiful afternoon, Khalil felt settled and ready to face all that lay ahead waiting for him.
Quite often he thought about how so much changed in his life in just one week, but he held on to the realization that had it not been for that whirlwind experience he may not have found out about his diagnosis until after it was too late. Although there were more issues he knew he had to overcome, he constantly thanked God that so much was behind him.
He looked over the railing next to their table and let out a deep and soothing sigh as he watched the seagulls do their dance atop the waves that divided them from their meal underneath. His thoughts were on the facts that as of last week the apartment he co-owned in Leimert Park finally sold. That sale placed him in excellent position to bid for a home in Ladera Heights. He sold his half of the hair salon to Spencer and will be opening “The Experience, Hair Studio and Day Spa” in Los Angeles. Kerrion and Lea agreed to continue working alongside him and have been strong supporters since his separation.
He glanced over to a nearby table where an attractive couple was enjoying their brunch. He watched how they interacted and began to wonder if he would ever find a woman to love him in spite of his history. Thoughts began to race through his mind about dating, marriage, and children. He grew anxious at the idea because he knew that no black woman would ever get with a man that used to be gay, let alone HIV positive. He also doubted his ability to even make love to a woman since it was something he hadn’t done in over a decade, and even then he didn’t really enjoy it.
The End of the Rainbow Page 25
