Harper shrugged. “Why would I have a problem with it?”
“I just wanna make sure you’re okay…you know…if you’re by yourself tonight.”
Harper stifled a chuckle. True, she and Emily had spent pretty much every night hanging out together over the last two weeks. But that didn’t mean Harper needed a babysitter. She could do just fine on her own.
“It’s okay, really. I’ll be fine.”
“You wanna come? It’s karaoke, which means you’ll pretty much blow everyone away.”
“Haha…it’s karaoke in Los Angeles, which means everyone who can sing worth a damn will be there showing off their mad skills. It’s like American Idol for those who were either too lazy to try out or didn’t make the cut.”
“I’m assuming that’s a no?”
“That would be a no. Sorry. But have fun. Where is it?”
“Some pizza place in Santa Monica.”
“Well maybe bring home a slice for me.”
***
Emily’s turn as a supervisor at Gulcher’s specialty grocery chain was far surpassing any expectations she had for herself. She had a knack for leadership and it was becoming increasingly clear to her that she could easily start her way down a management path. She was well-liked by her co-workers and seemed to find a comfortable niche working there. It wasn’t as dreadful as she thought it would be to actually work and make an honest living. It wasn’t exactly her goal to be a lifer here, but it certainly was a rather enjoyable place to work. Compared to where she was a year ago, this was without a doubt a much more desirable situation. Emily was beginning to really come into her own. She could feel the change in her and often found herself cringing at the thought of who she used to be compared to who she is now. Sure, venturing off the beaten path certainly had its advantages that befitted Emily’s personality. She never knew what was coming next. It was the excitement and fear of the unknown that enlivened her. It was an adventure.
And now she was punching in a timecard day in and day out, knowing full well what her day would entail. Emily never thought she would be okay with such a mundane day-to-day, but this life of routine simplicity was a welcomed change. As fun as it was to not know what the future held, it also meant not knowing where she was sleeping that night or when her next meal would be. The stress and pain it caused outweighed the excitement. The novelty shortly wore off. So here she was, plugging away at a monotonous routine. Half of her secretly loved it while the other half longed for something with a bit more panache. Well, maybe it was more like sixty/forty. The only real drawback was the uniform she had to wear. Emily was never really a ‘t-shirt and khaki pants’ type of girl.
She made her way along the back aisle with the cereal boxes, taking stock of everything there when her stupor was interrupted by all-too-familiar voice.
“Nice Martha Stewart pants,” remarked Kiley, whose basket was half full of random items.
“They make me look like I have a pancake ass.”
Kiley cocked her head to the side and turned her focus to Emily’s backside. “Hmm…yeah, not a good look for you.”
Emily went back to her clipboard, trying to ignore Kiley’s obvious attempt at pushing her buttons. “What do you want?”
“I was just picking up some stuff and I saw you over here and thought I’d say ‘hi.’”
“Okay. Hi. Are we done now?”
Kiley ignored the question. “How are things?”
“You mean how is my sister?”
“I just said ‘things.’”
Emily took notice of everything that was in Kiley’s basket. “So you’re buying cat food, cooking spray, soy milk and…what is that? A six-pack of protein shakes?”
“I’m becoming more health conscious.”
“That’s not gonna help you.”
“What’s your point, anyway?” asked Kiley.
“Well, you don’t have a cat, you don’t cook, you hate soy milk and…well I’ve never once seen you with a protein shake. Just throwing random stuff into a basket as an excuse to talk to me seems a little pathetic, even for you. If you want to know how Harper is, just ask me.”
Kiley put down her basket in defeat. “How is Harper?”
“Why should I tell you?”
Kiley rolled her eyes. “Come on, Emily. How is she?”
Emily’s patience was wearing thin with this girl. “How do you think she is? You know you’re breaking her heart, right?”
Kiley took a step back. Emily’s words were powerful enough to elicit a physical reaction. Looking somewhat ashamed, Kiley warily conceded. “I know.” Her voice cracked with just those two syllables.
“You know?”
Kiley nodded.
“Then why are you doing this to her? Why won’t you call her?”
“You don’t understand. That girl is my life. As sad as it may sound, she’s the most stable relationship I’ve ever had, and I can’t jeopardize that. I think I really fucked it up by giving in. The problem was, I didn’t bother trying to envision what the next morning would be like. All I could see at the moment was what I wanted right in front of me, and I didn’t think about the consequences it might bring. And then the next day came and I just…” Kiley trailed off, trying to search for a better explanation. For some reason, this sounded better in her head, but the moment she heard it, she couldn’t find any logic to it. “I haven’t had a relationship last longer than the one I had in seventh grade with Todd Curry. It lasted three months. That’s it. I just can’t commit. I suck at relationships, and I can’t do that to her. I don’t trust myself to not freak out and run. I can’t ruin our relationship. It would kill me.”
“Why would you run from her?” asked Emily, looking around to make sure her manager wasn’t watching her socializing.
“It’s what I do. Kind of like you, I guess. Only, I run from people, not life.” Kiley shuffled her feet apprehensively.
“Can we not make this about me?”
“Fine. It’s just that, I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know why I’ve fallen for her. I don’t know how it is that after 25 years on this planet and an endless line of suitors, I’m now faced with the overwhelming confusion of falling in love with a girl. A girl who happens to be my best friend. I mean, what’s that about?”
“So you’re afraid of being labeled as a lesbian?”
“No! That has nothing to do with it. Gay, straight…it doesn’t matter. No, I just…I don’t know what it means. That’s all. And until I know, I don’t want to fuck with Harper’s emotions any more than I already have.”
Emily finally put her clipboard down and pulled Kiley by the arm to the back corner. “Do you love her?”
Kiley was silent for a moment until she slowly nodded. “Yeah, I love her. Probably from the moment I met her.”
“Then why can’t you just admit it to her? She was terrified to tell you, but she put it all on the line because she felt you deserved to know.”
Kiley shook her head. “I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t. Nothing can come of it. I’m not risking losing her.”
Emily let out an exacerbated laugh. “You’re losing her by not talking to her. Did that ever occur to you?”
“Well, what am I supposed to say? I don’t know if I’m ready to face her yet. What if she hates me?” She felt her hair falling over her face and tried to tuck it back behind her ear.
Emily grew tired of this exchange and started to walk way. “You know, over the years I’ve called you many not-so-nice names and thought some pretty shitty things about you. Conceited, unreliable, erratic, way too pretty for your own good. But the one thing I never saw you as was a coward. Thanks for proving me wrong.”
Kiley was near tears by this point. “Why do you have to be so spiteful? Can’t you see I’m hurting just as bad? I’m just as torn as she is.”
“Oh, you poor baby.”
“Why do you hate me so much?”
>
Emily stopped and turned around. “You really don’t know?”
Kiley shook her head. “What did I do?”
“You and Harper, you guys just clicked from the moment you met. Suddenly, you were attached at the hip. She was always bringing you around and you guys would just talk and laugh and do your silly little dances and stupid voice impersonations. It got annoying after a while. Even Finn told me that it was starting to get annoying because all you guys would do was giggle. Harper would have a smile on her face every single day after seeing you. She would never look like that after hanging out with Finn. And she certainly didn’t with me.” Emily lowered her head. “I tried so hard to get close to her, but there was always a wall there. You were the only one that was able to tear it down. You had a relationship with Harper that I was never going to have. She was so real with you. She was herself. Do you know how hard it was to watch an outsider come in and break down her wall within days of knowing her? I’m her sister. I’ve known her my whole life and I was never able to do that. You have a bond with her that I could never compete with.”
“But you guys have a built-in relationship,” protested Kiley. “Sisterhood trumps friendship.”
“No it doesn’t. And it certainly doesn’t trump love. Not in Harper’s case. You know how passionate she can be. Jesus, she’d step right off a cliff into icy cold water if there were any chance you were there at the bottom. I love my sister, but she is hopelessly flawed. And her biggest imperfection is being loyal to a fault. Especially to you. And you just take it all for granted. You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met. Even more selfish than I am. And that’s saying something.”
Kiley was left defenseless from Emily’s venomous words. “That’s not—”
“We’re done here. If you wanna know how Harper’s doing, call her. If not, then I suggest you stop fucking with her emotions.” Emily walked away and headed straight for the break room, emphasizing the slamming of the break room door so Kiley would know there was no chance of following her.
CHAPTER 29
The following week, Harper was entering the third hour of yet another sleepless night. She stared up into the darkness which had now turned into a thousand little red and yellow dots and speckles from her eyes being open for so long. Not even the melatonin she took earlier that night was helping. Over the years, she had tried many different tactics to assuage her insomnia. She tried reading everything from the dictionary to the Bible, watching TV at a low volume, every over-the-counter sleep aid she could find, listing all the states and their capitals, and one night even resorted to trying a glass of warm milk. That one didn’t go over too well and she felt nauseous the rest of the night. Her mind had always been too busy to simply shut off. Every minute there were new thoughts, new lyrics, new problems entering her brain and it was all too easy to fall into the pattern of dwelling on each and every one of them. She had nothing but time on her hands. Before Kiley, finding sleep had never been an issue for Harper. She had even slept through several big earthquakes when she was a kid and even bragged about sleeping right through the Northridge quake of 1994. But now, being a grown up in a grown up world with grown up problems, sleep was something she would look back on with fond memories. She never knew it was something that could be taken for granted. Now the only time she could find any peace at night was when Kiley would call her knowing she would be wide awake and they would talk until the sun came up.
Harper spent the better part of the last month feeling sorry for herself. The self-pity soon turned to simple heartache, then anger, then all-out rage, then feeling stupid and embarrassed having been so honest with Kiley. Finally, she was back to good old-fashioned self-pity. It was the emotion that seemed to best suit her and thanks to that, she was in no short supply of lyrics. Having been through so much in her life, Harper found herself asking when enough was enough. Would there ever come a time when she could be truly happy? Or is happiness just a myth that keeps you striving for something better than what you’ve got?
Her head was beginning to hurt trying to contemplate too many difficult questions. She was tired of the silence, tired of the loneliness, and tired of the foolish pride and stubbornness that plagued her relationship with Kiley. She got out of bed, threw on her clothes and started dialing a number on her phone. Finally, after a month of only dialing half of the numbers, she completed the full phone number and waited anxiously for someone to pick up.
***
Shots at the bar while she was on the clock was never a good idea. Kiley knew this. She had learned this lesson years ago, but tonight she would have to learn it all over again. Now that she was sobering up, she was beginning to remember why it was such a bad idea. Her bedroom was dark and she’s pretty sure they may have left the front door open in their haste of getting to the bed. But Kiley was more preoccupied with the stench of stale whisky on the breath of the guy who came home with her. Elliot? Evan? She couldn’t exactly remember his name at the moment, but thinking was the last thing she wanted to do right now. Regardless of his name, he was doing a good enough job of keeping her mind off of the debacle she created with Harper. Still fully clothed and not exactly one hundred percent into their little tryst, Kiley lay on her bed as he sloppily pulled his shirt and pants off while aggressively kissing her neck, grunting with each suctioning sound he made. Kiley winced in pain, trying to guide his lips up toward her face. Seeing as how she hadn’t been in high school for quite some time, she wasn’t exactly keen on the idea of having to cover up any hickeys the next day. She thought those days were over.
“You’re so hot,” he said as he started to take her shirt off.
Kiley held her arms close to her body, trying to keep her shirt on a little longer. Her plan had been foiled as her thoughts immediately went to Harper.
He tried harder to remove her shirt as she tried harder to fight off his advances.
“Are you okay?”
Kiley nodded, then shrugged.
He took that as a sign to continue with what he was doing. Before he got much further, the ringtone on Kiley’s cell phone gave her an excuse to pause what they were doing. When Kiley saw the name of the person calling flashing on her phone she froze for a moment, then braced herself for what was about to come next.
“Hello?”
“Taco Bell run. You in?”
Kiley gave a half smile. “Your place or mine?”
“Yours. I can be there in ten,” replied Harper.
“Okay. Sounds good.” She hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment. Then she turned to the nearly naked guy next to her. “Get out.”
“What?”
“Go home, Eli.”
“Eric.”
“Whatever. I need you to leave.” She grabbed his pants and threw them at him.
He hurriedly put them on and fastened his belt. “What the fuck?”
“Don’t forget your shirt,” said Kiley.
Eric grabbed his shirt and turned to leave. “Bitch.”
“Okay, bye.” Kiley didn’t have time to worry about what some guy she met at the bar thought of her. She needed to prepare. Harper was coming and things needed to be said and she needed to shower and her place needed to be tidied as much as possible.
Roughly ten minutes later, Kiley buzzed Harper into her apartment building, which was a rare occurrence seeing as how Harper had a key and always walked in freely. Obviously, this time it was very different circumstances. The chain hung off the front door, swaying side to side as Kiley watched the door in eager anticipation. Upon hearing Harper’s footsteps, she positioned herself on the couch to try to appear more casual and comfortable, but her insides were writhing.
“Come in,” yelled Kiley after Harper uncharacteristically knocked. “It’s open.”
“Hey.” Harper tentatively peeked her head through the door, then finally entered Kiley’s humble abode (humble being an understatement). With her hands full of taco bell bags, she padded over to the
coffee table and splayed out the food. Almost in an obsessive-compulsive way, organizing everything by genre. Anything to avoid being the first to speak. Once she was done, they stared down at the array of food: three taco supremes, a chicken soft taco, two twice-grilled burritos, a bean and cheese burrito, nachos and two sodas.
Neither of them ate. They just sat there and stared at the food that was getting colder by the minute. Harper took off her sweater, placed it on the arm of the sofa and looked around at the familiar walls. Kiley hadn’t done much with the place since the last time she was here. Her new roommate, who was often M.I.A., thankfully had a nice new couch to dress up the otherwise dreary living room. The dark blue upholstery matched well with the gray carpets. The television was still the same tube TV Kiley had bought five years ago during a clearance sale at Best Buy. Kiley wasn’t much for watching television too often anyway. It was more for decoration and to have some background noise from time to time. The sole picture hanging in the living room was a framed lithograph of Picasso’s “Blue Nude” painting. Kiley had always said that particular painting spoke to her. She could relate to exactly what the girl was feeling and often found herself curling up into that exact same position with her back to the entire world, trying to shut out everything around her. She wasn’t a huge art connoisseur, but she knew what she liked. They found the print at an early-morning swap meet. Harper insisted on buying it for her because Kiley kept going back to it and trying to haggle the price lower. Harper was touched that the only real decoration in Kiley’s living room was a gift from her. Not to mention the fact that the only photo in her apartment was a framed one of them at a Christmas party that sat on her dresser. Kiley never really saw her apartment as a home, just a place to rest her head when she felt like sleeping.
Harper studied the Picasso for a bit, then took a sip of her soda. And then she caved. “I didn’t know what you wanted, so I got a little bit of everything.”
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