by MA Lee
My mouth opened wide before slamming shut again. “You love me?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Maddi, you know I love you. I have loved you since the first time I saw you smile. I am yours. You are my home.”
“Do you love me?” he asked.
Nodding my head yes, I slowly smiled. “Yes, Ryan you know that I love you.”
“You love me?” Ryan asked as he pulled me closer before lifting me up and twirling me around in his arms.
Laughing, I slapped at him to put me down. Placing my feet back on the ground, Ryan wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back to him. Our chests collided as he gave me a deep kiss. “As long as I am with you, my plans can change. I just want to be with you.”
I didn’t have any more words to say. Of course, I was in love with him. Crushing my lips to his, I climbed on Ryan’s lap and began roaming my hands through his hair. I couldn’t get close to him as I pushed my body closer to his. Kissing me back, Ryan parted my lips with his tongue, allowing me to taste his sweetness as our tongues danced.
Our kisses became more passionate as our need for one another grew. Hands began to roam and our touches went from sweet and caressing to needy and rough. I couldn’t get any closer to Ryan and that was beginning to grow me wild with frustration.
Somewhere outside of the car the world was moving and living. The movie played, people laughed, and music blared- but we didn’t any hear of any of it.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Ryan asked, breathlessly.
His words were loaded and laced with another meaning. We had been close to a moment like this once before, but tonight I could feel we would finally make it to the next level. Our guards were being let down and we would allow one another to trust in the moment.
Nodding my head yes, I looked into Ryan’s eyes and saw the same hungry lust and fear that came with emotions that were soaring as high as ours were.
Removing our hands, Ryan turned the ignition to the grunts of the other moviegoers and began to back away from the outdoor theater.
As we drove down the highway, neither of us spoke a word. We allowed the wind and the silence to fill our minds. There was nothing to say.
When we turned into my neighborhood, my heart began to drop a little in my chest. Had I misread Ryan? Just as I was about to open my mouth and question why he was returning us back to our homes, Ryan turned onto his grandparent’s property, but continued to travel past the house. The ride was bumpy as we pursued further into the open fields and past trees until we were out in the open and any sign of houses and life were far behind us.
I stole a glance at Ryan and saw a twitch of a smile on his face as he continued to drive slowly. Putting the car in park, Ryan turned to face me in the cab of his truck.
“Where are we?” I asked, as he opened his door and began to get out of the truck.
“This is the back of my grandparent’s farm. I used to come here and sit and watch clouds when I was a little kid,” he said, as he ran around the truck and opened my door. Helping me out of the truck, Ryan held my hand as he led me to the back of the truck. Pulling a blanket from the bed of the truck, Ryan began to lead me to an open spot in the field.
Spreading the blanket on the ground, Ryan knelt down and pulled me down next to him. As we lay on the blanket out in the middle of the vast opening, I watched as the stars twinkled above us. Squeezing my hand, Ryan rolled over and began to kiss me again.
This time, our bodies began to collide as our hands didn’t waste time touching the skin. Instead, we began to remove articles of clothing that were barricading us from the other's body. As Ryan pulled my shirt off of me, I helped him by undoing my bra. As I dropped the garment on the ground below, I sucked in a deep breath as the weight of the moment finally hit me. I had been close several times with Matt, but we had never gone through with having sex.
Undoing his pants, Ryan allowed the material to slide down his legs as his arms removed his shirt above his head. We only had a thin layer each of fabric on our bodies. Together we each removed the last bit of clothing we had on and lay down side by side together.
Rolling on top of me, Ryan began to kiss me as his body shifted until he was in between my legs. Opening my legs for him, I could feel his hardness against my leg and I began to grow wet in all the right places.
Looking deep into my eyes, Ryan let me know he was with me and that he was just as aroused and ready as I was.
“Are you ok?” he gently asked, as he moved a loose strand of hair out of my face.
“I am perfect,” I replied, as I lifted up and met his lips with mine.
Knowing this was our moment, Ryan used one hand to slip between my legs and position himself right above my opening.
“I haven’t um… you know…” as Ryan struggled to find the right words to say, I almost giggled at how cute he looked.
Stopping him before he could get any more tongue-tied, I smiled. “Ryan, it’s ok. I am too,” I said, as I insinuated the words he was trying to say. My heart began to grow as I realized both Ryan and myself were virgins. Sure, we had both been with other people who we cared about and probably even got close to losing ourselves too, but neither of us had ever found someone worth giving that much of our love and souls too.
Pressing his lips back to mine, Ryan pushed his hard length back inside of me. I moaned out loud as he entered me. As he began to fill me, I couldn’t contain my body from reacting to his. Arching my back, I pushed my hips up to meet his as both of our movements began to increase with intensity.
Ryan’s light grunts and moans met mine as we began to climb to reach our own releases.
“You feel so good,” Ryan said, as he began to trail a few kisses down my neck.
Our bodies rocked in the darkness under the glowing moonlight as we both finally reached our release. As Ryan climaxed he pulled himself out of me and fell next to me on the blanket. Still panting, Ryan reached for my hand and held it tight.
Still smiling from my blissful release, I squeezed his hand back to let him know I was still with him. No words were able to be spoken in those first few moments. We lay there for what seemed like an eternity before I broke the silence.
“Was I…ok?” I asked.
My voice trembled as I spoke. I was happy. Embarrassed. Fulfilled. Every emotion that was available was going through my mind.
“Baby, that was beyond amazing. You were perfect,” Ryan said as he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles.
“I can’t believe it took me eighteen years to find you,” Ryan continued as he shook his head and smiled.
Rolling on my side, I smiled back at him. My heart was so full and I felt like it might explode from the happiness that was beaming inside of me.
“I know, but what’s important is that we did find each other,” I replied back.
With his arm extended, Ryan pulled me close to him. I snuggled up next to him under the stars. Never in my life had I ever been so content and happy.
“Why do you think we haven’t met before?” Ryan asked as he kept his gaze locked on the sky above. “I mean, you have lived here your whole life and I have visited my grandparents practically every summer for as far back as I can remember.”
I thought about what he said for a moment before I spoke. “I am not sure why our paths haven’t crossed until now. I guess when you think about it, it really makes no sense at all. We might have walked by each other or saw the other in a car, but we never had a moment to talk until the night you came into my line at the grill,” I said.
Placing my lips to his cheek, I gave a slow kiss to Ryan as I thought about my next move. “Do you want to know what I think?” I asked, turning to look at Ryan. “I feel like we have loved each other in a previous life. Maybe a different lifetime or something. Maybe we weren’t meant to find one another until now. “
Sighing, Ryan kissed me again and pulled me into him. I wasn’t sure how close we could get, but I was willing to try
. Our naked bodies were intertwined as I had one leg lifted over his and his arms were safely around me.
“But why?” Ryan asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “I mean, it is clear we were meant to be together, I know that in my heart,” he finished.
It was words like that, that had me swooning over this amazing boy who held me in his arms. I loved Ryan with all of my heart and soul and I was ready to believe that we could withstand anything that life threw our way.
“I agree, but sometimes I think fate works in mysterious ways. You know, being with Matt, I thought I cared about him, but now being with you, I know that what I feel for you is light-years different. It might sound crazy, but I think we haven’t met until now because we had to have other experiences in order to appreciate each other. We had to allow someone else to hurt us, to break our hearts, in order to know how to truly love when we found the right person.”
As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I knew that I had never spoken anything more honest and truthful in my life. It was easy to say, but Ryan allowed me to be honest not only with him, but with myself too. My walls that I had built years ago to protect myself were slowly crumbling at his hands because he gave me the strength to fight and face life and all of the crazy emotions the world brought.
Removing his gaze from the stars above, Ryan placed his hands on my face and looked deep into my eyes. “Maddi, you have no idea how much I agree with what you just said. I think every moment in my life has been a journey to finding you. And, now that I finally have you, I will never, ever let you go. Forever you are mine,” he spoke with such genuine love for me that I began to cry.
Holding me tight, my New Jersey Boy rubbed my back and allowed me to cry tears of joy and sadness. In a matter of minutes, we had given ourselves to the other and found a love that could withstand anything.
CHAPTER 8
Two months had gone by since Ryan had entered my life. Two unbelievably glorious months full of love and laughter and growing. It was hard to believe that my time with him was almost over. In one more day, Ryan would get into his family car and drive back to New Jersey. I would get in my car and return to campus and my life in college.
What had been more shocking than finding the love of my life within a cute New Jersey boy, was the idea that my parent’s and I had even found one common ground; Ryan. While they had been golfing one afternoon, my parents had spotted Ryan and me swimming in the club pool. Of course, they were intrigued to see me splashing and smiling with a boy, so they ventured over and forced me to introduce them to him. Nervous as hell, I agreed. I can still recall that moment clearly in my mind.
“Maddi, who is this young man?” my mom had asked, in her proper tone.
Standing above me, she sported a white skirt and a soft pink shirt. My dad was behind her carrying their golf clubs. Both, kept their gazes on us as we floated in the clear water.
“Hi, mom. This is Ryan,” I had said, through gritted teeth.
A small smile had formed on her lips as the realization struck her that he wasn’t just some boy I had met at the pool. The way we stood close to one another. The way our arms had just been holding the other. There was no denying that Ryan and I cared for each other.
Swimming to the side of the pool, Ryan extended his arm and shook both of my parent’s hands. In an act so sweet and polite I almost drowned right there in front of them, I couldn’t believe my eyes as my parent's hard exteriors seemed to melt under the sun.
Their introductions quickly turned into an invite to a family barbeque. My parents had grown to love Ryan in the short amount of time they had spent with him. Our common love of Ryan had somehow bonded all of us and I was thankful for Ryan’s presence in my life.
I had never wanted a moment in time to pause as much as I wanted this time with Ryan too. We both agreed to spend our last day together enjoying the summer. Neither of us would even dare to speak of his departure or that our hearts were breaking as we knew our summer was almost over.
Even though we knew we would talk daily and have nightly FaceTime conversations, none of that was the same as being held in Ryan’s arms. Since our night of having sex for the first time, we had somehow found time each day to extend our lovemaking. Some days we would slip in one time, others it was all we could do to get the other’s clothes off fast enough. When we were done, we would just lay tangled in each other’s arms and talk.
Now, as I sit with his arms wrapped around me, I can’t help but fight back the tears that are threatening to escape. We promised no tears and no goodbyes. Instead, we wanted to spend today like it was just another summer afternoon. As the sun faded and the night began to arrive, Ryan and I both grew tense.
He had to be home early to help pack and get ready to leave early at six in the morning. Holding his hand, I walked out of the field where I had given him my heart and soul and back toward my car parked in his grandparent’s driveway.
I felt like the world was spinning around me and I couldn’t find a way to release my hand from his. Sensing my heavy emotions, Ryan pulled me to him and hugged me tightly. The ache in my chest was growing and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep myself together as I walked away tonight.
Taking my hand, Ryan forced me to look at him one last time. “Maddi, please don’t get upset. This is killing me too, but seeking you look like that makes me want to tell my family I can’t go with them,” he said as his voice broke a little with each word he spoke.
The pained expression painted on his face was almost worse than the thought of not seeing him for four months.
“I’m sorry, I know we promised no tears,” I said, forcing a smile on my face. “I need to leave now or I will let you stay,” I said knowing that would be selfish of me.
Ryan had school to get back to and a family and life. I too had a school that would begin in another week and I needed to get back to my dorm and back to reality.
Placing his hands around my face, Ryan cupped my cheeks as he pulled me in for one of the sweetest and most sensual kisses in the history of kisses. As his lips lingered on mine, I finally felt a tear break through and slowly glide down my face. This was it, I had to walk away now.
Throwing my arms around his neck, I hugged Ryan with a force so powerful, I swear our hearts began to beat as one. I inhaled his sweet scent and memorized the way his body felt against mine. I would need those memories of him to get me by the next few months until I could see him again.
Pushing myself back, I smiled through my tears that were now rapidly flowing down my face and backed away. Ryan didn’t try to stop me, he knew it was best for me to walk away now. There was no sense in prolonging the heartache we felt.
“I love you,” Ryan said, his voice breathless like he had just been punched in the stomach and was struggling to find air.
I knew the feeling because that was exactly how I felt too. “I love you too,” I said as I began to walk away.
At first, my steps were long and quick but, by the time I reached the end of the driveway I was full on sprinting toward my house. I refused to turn and look at him, I couldn’t stand for my last image of Ryan to be one where he looked hurt. I wanted to remember his smile.
***
I woke early the next morning to the sound of my phone chiming. I had a text message. Glancing around my room, I noticed it was still dark outside. After returning home the previous night, I had gone straight to bed and cried myself to sleep. Now, as I woke before the sun even made its appearance in the sky, I knew only one person would dare to text me that early in the morning.
Ryan: Hey Maddi, are you awake?
Me: Yes, I miss you already
Ryan: Me too. I am in the car, we just got on the interstate.
Just visualizing in my head Ryan driving in the opposite direction of where I was hurt more than I ever could have imagined.
Me: Be safe. Call me when you get home.
Ryan: I will be texting and calling you all day.
Me: You better!
Ryan: I left something in your mailbox. I know it sounds cheesy, but I there were some things I needed to say, but I just couldn’t last night. Go out and get it. I will call you later.
Me: Ok.
I threw my phone down and rushed out of my bedroom and down the hall toward the stairs. My feet barely touched the stairs as I bounded down them and out the front door. My feet wouldn't move quick enough and the mailbox seemed to keep moving farther and farther away from me as I ran. When I finally reached it, I threw open the little handle and found a letter folded with my name written on the top.
Removing the letter, I tucked it in my hand and then dashed back to my house and to my bedroom. Once securely back in the comforts of my room, I unfolded my letter and began to read the words from Ryan.
Maddi,
I tried to text and say these words aloud to you several times, but I could never get them right. I decided to sit down and just write exactly how I feel and what I am thinking. So, here goes.
From the moment I saw you that night at the grill, I knew you were meant for me. It was as if the heavens opened up and dropped this perfect angel in front of me. Your smile struck me speechless and I just had to know you. If only to just talk to you that one night, I just had to know who you were.
When you spoke to me, I didn’t know what to do. From there on, you agreed to hang out with me and I could sense there was something transpiring between us. I could never have imagined that you would fall for a guy like me. I know you don’t see yourself the way I do and that is a tragic shame. You are beautiful and funny and kind and sexy as hell. I know people in your life have hurt you, but I believe it is now my job to show you how special you are to me.
