by MA Lee
CHAPTER 13
After arriving back at my dorm, I quickly showered and dressed in rapid speed. I texted Reagan and explained to her my plans. As I loaded my car and began to drive, I called my parents and filled them in too. I had one chance to make everything right. As I drove, I listened to the millions of voice mail messages Ryan had left me. With tears in my eyes, a full heart, and my pride left in my dorm room, I set off on a journey of a lifetime.
***
Taking in a deep breath, I mustered the courage to raise my hand to the doorknob. My fist gently pounded against the black door and I swear, I couldn’t tell if it was my heart or the sound of the knock on the door that I heard. I was so nervous, my legs trembled beneath me. Just as I thought this was stupid and I should run and leave before anyone saw me, the door opened.
Standing before me was Ryan’s mom Judy. With her hair swept over her shoulder and a dish towel in her hand, she gave me a confused smile.
“Maddi?” she asked, as she called me by my nickname. “What are you doing here?” My heart ached as the familiar tone of her voice and the sweet allure of her smile took over. This woman was someone who used to play an important role in my life and now, as I stand before her, I am nervous and feeling almost like a stranger in her presence.
I opened my mouth to respond, but no words were able to escape. What was I doing there? Should I tell her that I jumped in my car and drove straight through the night to tell her son that I made a mistake? That I was madly in love with him and no one else could ever compare to him? That I missed him more than ever could have imagined? That I felt as though life had been sucked out of me?
“I’m here to see Ryan,” I mumbled, as I finally found some sense of vocabulary to use. My heart scolded me for not telling her all of the things I wish I should have, but didn’t. Instead, I tried to play it cool. I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone. My voice wouldn’t be able to speak the words I needed to say. Anyway, I was sure that she could see the pain in my eyes and feel the hurt radiating off of me as I stood before her.
Looking behind me, Judy began to look nervous. “Maddi, honey. When was the last time you talked with Ryan?” she asked, as her voice grew quiet. I didn’t like the way she was looking at me; almost like she pitied me. And, I didn’t like the sinking feeling in my stomach as I watched her expression grow more concerned.
Now my heart began to race again, this time with an anxious need to see Ryan. I didn’t like the way she looked at me as though she pitied me. Was something wrong with Ryan?
“It’s been a while,” I said honestly. Too long.
Opening the door wider, Judy waved for me to come in. “Did you drive all the way here by yourself?” she asked as she took my arm and led me into the large living room. The house seemed so familiar yet so foreign at the same time.
Nodding my head yes, I allowed her to sit me on the couch. “Yes, I drove all night.”
“Oh, Maddi. I wish you would have called,” she cried out. “I love seeing you, honestly it’s been way too long, but…” her voice trailed off and I could feel the bile rising in my throat.
“What’s going on Judy? Where is Ryan?” I asked as my voice began to shake. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to hold it together much longer.
In my heart, I felt that I knew the answer to my question. Of course, Ryan was with someone new. Of course, he was. Someone like Ryan would get swept away with another girl who saw the good in him like I once did. Suddenly feeling stupid, I cringed as I fought back the tears.
Patting my knee, Judy leaned in and gave me a hug. “Maddi, Ryan left for a while. He is gone,” she said as she looked at me like she was about to cry too.
Her words were like a crushing blow to the head. Ryan. Gone? Shaking my head, I tried to forget what she said.
“No, that can’t be true,” I cried, as I searched Judy’s eyes. All I saw back was a mother in pain as she missed her son. “He had been trying to contact me, but I wasn’t returning his calls or texts,” I said, shaking my head. My anger at myself was starting to overtake the pain.
“Right after you two broke up, he became this shell of the guy he once was. He wasn’t eating. He didn’t go out with his friends and he just stopped going to class. Finally, he came to us one day and said that he said he had to get away,” she finished, as she dabbed her own eyes with the dishtowel. “I’m so sorry. I assumed he had called you. He loved you so much, I guess the break up was just too hard for him.”
My head began to swim and my vision blurred. This was all too much. I was sleep deprived, starving, and now heartbroken; again. “I don’t know what to say,” I began but then stopped.
“Do you want to know where he is? Maybe you could call him?” she suggested with tears in her eyes.
Shaking my head violently, I stopped her before she could tempt me any further. If Ryan had to leave. If he had been that miserable, I was going to give him the time and space he needed to find himself again and find his happiness. “No. It is ok. I don’t want to know,” I lied to both of us.
Hugging me tight, Judy and I cried together for minutes while we both grieved for the loss of our Ryan.
“Please stay the night,” Judy said as she broke away from our hug, but held me at arm’s length.
I wanted to argue with her and to run out of there, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength or the heart to leave. At that moment, I knew that would be the last time I stepped foot into Ryan’s world. His house. His family. They would soon all be distant memories in my mind. I wasn’t ready to give any of them up just yet. I needed this one last night to make it real. To prove to myself that I lost Ryan.
“Yes, I will stay tonight.”
***
After eating my weight in meatloaf, Judy fixed her guest bed for me. We spent a few hours catching up on my school, my job at the coffee shop, and how I enjoyed college. She shared with me how she hated being alone now that Ryan’s dad was traveling more for work. We laughed. We cried. But we never spoke of Ryan. It was like he was a ghost, haunting us with his image all over the house. Everywhere I looked, he was there. From the family pictures, to his old shoes in the corner of the kitchen by the back door, to his jacket hung near the closet.
After a while, I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Walking me to my room, Judy hugged me one last time before watching me crawl into the bed. As shadows danced across the ceiling, displaying the images of tree limbs outside the window illuminated by the moonlight, I couldn’t sleep. Even though I had never been this tired in my life, I couldn’t seem to close my eyes and allow sleep to take over. I tossed and turned for hours before finally getting up and walking toward the bathroom. After relieving myself, I began to walk back toward my room, when I caught Ryan’s bedroom door from the corner of my eye. Looking around, I wasn’t sure who or what I was expecting to see, but I looked anyway. I crept past Judy’s room and slowly opened Ryan’s bedroom door. The door whined as it opened and the smell of Ryan’s sweet and spicy scent smacked me in the fact. I almost moaned from the smell as it flooded my senses and warmed my heart. It had been too long since I had smelled that rich aroma.
Sinking further into his room, I glanced around the space. It felt like a time capsule, an ode to my Ryan. His green and blue plaid bedspread was neatly made as his bed sat next to his window. I padded over to his dresser where I found pictures of us spread everywhere. Some pictures were in frames; others were just neatly placed on the top of the cherry wood stand. Images of us hugging, kissing, and laughing seemed to taunt me as I held my hand up to my mouth. A silent cry escaped my lips as I felt my hands tremble. He had kept our memories while I had hastily thrown mine out. I was everywhere in his room. Yet, he had to join the army to escape me. To escape the broken, us.
Not able to take it any longer, I walked over to his bed and peeled back the comforter. Crawling into his bed, I immersed myself in his covers and allowed them to hug me tightly. His sheets still smelled like him and I prayed the scent would lin
ger on me and never leave. This was my last attempt to save what little I had left of Ryan. Even though I knew I was being crazy, I couldn’t help myself. Finally, I closed my eyes and drifted off into a deep and calm sleep.
***
The next morning, I woke early and made Ryan’s bed. I made sure the space was just as neat and clean as before I had entered it. I met Judy in the kitchen and we shared bagels and coffee before she watched me load into my car.
“Promise me you will call me when you get home or if you need anything,” Judy asked, as she pulled me in for a hug.
Allowing a single tear to cascade down my face, I hugged her back and soaked in the embrace. “I will. I promise. “
Extending me, Judy watched me carefully. Her love for me was undeserved and I would miss her dearly. “Maddi, I’m not sure what happened between you and Ryan, and I know it is none of my business, but I wish you two would talk. I tried to talk to him when he told me you all had broken up. To be honest, I didn’t believe it. I guess I didn’t want to. I know you both are young and have your whole lives ahead of you, but the moment I met you I felt like you were something special to our family. It has been different without you. Ryan is different…” as she trailed off, her eyes began to roam the sky as if she were searching for her next words. I half expected to see letters from above us. “Ryan had to get away. He loved you. He still does. I just hope one day you can sit down together and talk this through. Maybe you won’t ever be together again, but you have to heal. Neither of you have healed. If you had, Ryan wouldn’t be away right now in the Army and you wouldn’t have traveled hundreds of miles in the middle of the night to see him.”
As I stood there, listening to a woman who I once, in a naive state, had believed would someday be my mother-in-law, spill her heart to me, words seemed to evade me. She was right. I wasn’t healed and truth be told, I may never be. Ryan was the love of my life and I had ruined everything. I had caused us both so much pain, we were now broken people who had to run away from our families, our homes, and ourselves.
“Judy, I love Ryan. But, I am afraid I ruined everything. I won’t come back and do this again. Thank you so much for letting me stay last night. You are so wonderful and I hope Ryan comes back to you soon.”
I turned and escaped her embrace as I quickly jumped into my car. If I stood there any longer with her, I wouldn’t be able to force myself to leave.
Turning the ignition, I waved goodbye as I slowly reversed my car out of the driveway. I couldn’t look at the red brick house. I couldn’t look at the mailbox or the street signs. However, I allowed myself one last glimpse into the rear-view mirror as I watched Ryan’s world disappear behind me. It was time for me to leave New Jersey and my New Jersey boy behind.
CHAPTER 14
One month.
That was exactly how long it had been since I had traveled back to New Jersey in the hopes of finding Ryan. One month of holding my breath and waiting for Ryan to call. His mom had said that Ryan had to get away. But, I wasn’t sure what that meant. Did he need to get away for the weekend? For one torturous month? Forever?
After arriving back home, I had made a decision not to spiral back into the black hole I had crawled out a month ago. I owed it to myself and my family and friends to live my life and try my best to get over Ryan. I knew I would always love him, but I had to accept the fact that I had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. It was my fault and I had to own up to that idea.
My classes were going well and I had managed to keep up with my school work, go out with Reagan on the weekends, and participate in the study sessions with Eric and his friends. On the outside, my life seemed to be perfect, but inside I was still numb.
As I walked across campus, I smiled down at my phone as Reagan sent me a text message. She sent funny smiley faces as she promised me a fun weekend full of chick flicks. I was so engrossed in my phone that I didn’t feel my entire world shift until I ran smack dab into a brick wall.
Looking up, I saw Ryan standing in front of me. My mouth dropped open as my eyes grew wide in wonderment. As my heart began to flutter I struggled to form any comprehend-able words. Standing before me was an illusion. A dream of a boy I had once known and still loved. Closing my eyes, I opened them again expecting to see my dorm before me. Instead, I saw Ryan’s smiling face looking back at me.
“What?” was all that managed to escape through my lips.
“My mom told me you drove to see me,” he said, his eyes never leaving mine.
Nodding my head, I still couldn’t speak. Holding my books closely to my chest, I had to use them to gain strength to keep myself standing. My knees wanted to buckle.
“Are you ok?” Ryan asked, this time he looked concerned.
With the fog lifting from my brain, I suddenly became aware of what was happening right in front of me. I looked at Ryan again. Really looked at him. His eyes were dull and he had deep, dark circles laying underneath each eye. His hair was a mess and he wore a sad expression. He looked nothing like the charming and happy boy I had fallen in love with. Something was wrong.
Finding words, I finally spoke. “No. I came to talk to you. I had so much to say,” I admitted.
Hanging his head, Ryan looked defeated. “I know I messed up by trying to tell you what to do. If it were up to me, I would have kept you by my side forever. I shouldn't have called you so much. I just needed to talk to you. I understand if you don’t love me anymore. You don’t have to worry, I can stay in New Jersey. If you don’t want me to attend U.K with you in the Fall, I won’t.”
“Where did you go?” I had heard every word he had said. I should have responded and assured him this wasn’t all his fault, but I couldn’t. I needed to know where he had gone for so long.
Looking at me like I had lost my mind, Ryan tilted his head to the side. “I went on a mission trip with my parent’s church. I had to get away. I was going crazy waiting for you to answer me. Every day I wanted to fly down here and see you, but I knew I shouldn't. I got back yesterday. As soon as my mom told me that you came to see me, I booked a plane ticket and came straight here.”
Throwing my books to the ground, I jumped into Ryan’s arms. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I nestled my face into his neck. I began to sob as he held me tightly against him. It had been too long since I had felt his touch and I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Ryan, I messed up. I should have told you what I was feeling and what was bothering me. I allowed our relationship to slip through my fingers and I lost you. I’m so sorry for putting us both through this hell,” I cried as I let all of my emotions flow out of me like a river.
Consoling me, Ryan tried to hush my wails. “You didn’t mess up. I am here now. We can talk this through. We can figure all of this out.”
As Ryan stood there holding me, I could feel my heart filling with love again. Sadness seemed to disappear from my body as his touch seemed to instantly heal me.
Letting me go so that I was now standing on the ground again, Ryan kissed me with such passion and force I lost my breath. As I kissed him back, I allowed his tongue to part my lips. The invasion was sweet and welcomed.
We walked back to my dorm room where we talked about everything. Ryan understood that he couldn’t keep me locked away from the rest of the world. It was difficult for him to trust that I wouldn't leave him, but he knew in order to keep me, he had to let me live my life too. I also had to find a way to compromise and find my voice so that I could tell him when he did something that bothered me. As we talked, I could feel us both growing. Not just in our relationship but as people too.
“I want to take you somewhere,” Ryan urged, as we lay naked in my bed.
My legs were wrapped around his and our bodies were entwined so that we became one person. I loved how both of our idiosyncrasies and imperfections seemed to help make the other one whole. What he deemed as his own flaw, I saw as a perfect part of Ryan. We complimented one another in a way that no other ever cou
ld.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked, as I held his hand in mine. I loved how my hand fit perfectly inside his.
“I have somewhere in mind,” Ryan said, as he leaned in and kissed me.
After we dressed, Ryan led me down to my car. He took my keys and began to drive back toward Nicholasville and away from Lexington. As we drove, I realized exactly where he was taking me. Farms appeared and big buildings and city life disappeared. Neither of us spoke, there were no words needed in that moment.
As the sun began to settle in the distance, Ryan parked my car in the Country Club parking lot. The club was closed for the evening, but that had never stopped us before. Taking my hand Ryan led me onto the golf course. We walked all the way to the dune where we had our first real intimate moment. I held his hand tightly and allowed him to lead us to the perfect place for us to redeem our relationship. It was more important than ever that we rebuild what we had lost. We needed to remember the two crazy kids that fell in love on a whim. We needed to go back to the summer when our hearts were full and our minds were open.
“This is perfect,” I said as I pulled away from Ryan. I ran to the exact spot where we had almost made love the first night we had snuck out to this golf course. “This spot has so many good memories,” I called as I plopped down onto the green grass below me.
The ground was damp from the evening air but I didn’t care. Ryan slowly walked toward me, almost as if he were stalking me like an animal would his prey. I loved the hungry look in his eyes and the way he never looked away from me. Ryan’s whole face was full of love and forgiveness and I sighed with happiness as I watched him approach me.
“I thought you would like this,” Ryan said as he finally reached me.
The anxious tone of his voice and the worried expression he wore earlier had now vanished and now a happy content look took over. “Of course I would love this place This is our spot,” I said as I waved my hands around the golf course around.
