“For the love of everything waterlogged,” I bellowed, holding back my bile with effort. “Of course not. I would never poke my sister. That’s disgusting.”
Everyone froze and stared at me. When your Pappy couldn’t keep his pecker in his pants, things like this were bound to happen. As one of nine hundred and twenty-one offspring, I was surprised I even knew Bony Velma was a relation. However, all of us knew Velma. Her stench and her temper were the stuff legends were made of.
“Bony Velma Dustface is your sister?” Tallulah asked, looking as shocked as I felt.
“Unfortunately yes,” I admitted. “Haven’t seen her in almost five hundred years—never liked her much—very uncouth.”
Again with the silence. While everyone was contemplating this smelly wrinkle, the Sea Hags were gaining ground.
“Wait a minute. I thought they multiplied by fornicating with themselves,” Ariel said, wildly perplexed.
“Yes, that’s nightmare-inducingly true,” I confirmed. “My Pappy Poseidon gave them that talent—for lack of a more palatable word—due to the odiferous fact that no one wanted to play hide the salami with them. Apparently in a drunken stupor—common state for my Pappy—he banged a Hag and poof… Bony Velma Dustface was born.”
“Your father is a manwhore,” Wally grunted in disgust.
“Accurate,” I replied with a wince of embarrassment. I wasn’t exactly innocent in that department, but I was changing my ways.
“You can’t kill your sister,” Tallulah announced.
“Says who?” I asked.
“Says me,” she shot back.
“And why not?” I demanded, clueless to her reasoning.
“Because she’s your family.”
I pondered this for a brief moment. My father had green hair, an appalling taste in banjo music and a horrifying penchant for fathering offspring. My mother had crapped on my head for fifty years and my sister was a foul smelling creature that could reproduce solo. My family was slightly dysfunctional.
“Fine,” I conceded, more so Tallulah wouldn’t castrate me than actually agreeing with her. “Bonar can behead her.”
“Aye,” Bonar said with a thumbs up. “Ye wish is me command.”
“Umm… no. Absolutely not,” Tallulah said firmly. “We’re going to find another way here.”
“Good luck with that,” Wally said, pointing to the furious Sea Hags fast approaching.
“I have an idea,” Tallulah growled, stepping out in front of all of us. “Follow my lead.”
“Poseidon, help us all,” Wally muttered.
I couldn’t have agreed more.
13
Tallulah
I had no idea what I planned to do, but letting Doug kill his sister was way off the list of options. Family was family no matter how smelly. I’d simply pull a strategy out of my rear end and pray to Poseidon it worked. Of course, we wouldn’t be in this shit show if it wasn’t for Poseidon and his overactive man tool, but that was neither here nor there at the moment.
“Surrender,” Rickety Sheila Clotlegs screeched as she came to a halt in the air about fifty feet offshore and took in the warriors assembled on the beach.
“Not so fast, Hag,” I shouted. “The rules for total destruction of tourist traps haven’t been put in place yet.”
Rickety Shelia growled and glared at me. “What are you babbling about, Mermaid?”
“Rule sixty-nine clearly states that in order to legally smack down on an island in the Bermuda Triangle, the leaders of both factions in the dispute must be present. If not, Poseidon will technically own the island and the rule breakers will be imprisoned for eternity in a typhoon filled with sharks, piranhas and massive deodorant sticks.”
“Seriously?” Doug whispered, shocked.
Thankfully Janet whacked his head so I didn’t have to.
“Deodorant you say?” Rickety Shelia questioned with a terrified shudder.
“Deodorant,” I confirmed. “Cocoa Kiss, Passion Paradise and Orchid Surprise.”
The shrieks of terror from the Sea Hags helped me hatch my plan. It was weird and had a whole lot of holes in it, but it might work.
The Sea Hags clustered up and began muttering frantically with each other. Obviously in disagreement, they beat the living snot out of each other while we looked on in shock. Their number went from twenty down to six. Not because they offed each other, but because the smelly idiots were terrified of deodorant and deserted. I was pretty sure that Rickety Shelia wanted to fly away as well, but she held her ground.
“You drive a vicious bargain, Tallulah of the Mystical Island Pod,” she hissed. “But we shall abide by the rules—for now. Are you packing deodorant sticks?”
“We are unarmed at the moment,” I replied, trying not to laugh. “However, the Mermaids you displaced from their islands are hidden in the sand dunes and armed with not only deodorant sticks but also aerosol spray cans.”
“That’s very bad for the environment,” Rickety Shelia pointed out.
“Yep,” I agreed, biting back my grin with effort. “Desperate times call for environmentally unsound measures.”
“I see,” she said.
“And the hookers are packing shampoo,” Ariel informed the increasingly pale Hags.
“Along with hair brushes, tweezers and leg hair removal cream,” Misty threatened.
“And toothbrushes!” Madison shouted.
“Diabolical,” a Sea Hag from behind Rickety Shelia Clotlegs bellowed. “You creatures are evil.”
“Show yourself, Bony Velma Dustface,” I demanded. “I know that’s you. Come out from behind your stank ass minions and stop acting like a weenie.”
And she did.
And we all gasped and plugged our noses.
I’d never actually laid eyes on the rank leader of the Sea Hags. She usually sent her minions—but not today. The resemblance to Pirate Doug was uncanny—that is if Doug was an unkempt, greenish, atrociously odiferous woman with no teeth.
“State your position, evil Mermaid,” Bony Velma grunted, flying in tight circles as her Hags hovered around her. “We have an hour before The Price Is Right comes on and I didn’t record it.”
“I love The Price Is Right,” Doug mumbled.
Thankfully Janet was still within smacking distance of her son and sent him flying. The deodorant was an excellent ploy, but I had an ace in the hole… or I hoped I did. It would knock years off the penance I’d sentenced Doug to, but I didn’t care. I loved the bumbling fool and I was ready to let the world know. I might live to regret my rash action, but regret was for jellyfish. I was not a jellyfish. I was a Mermaid with a tourist business and a tremendous number of hookers to protect.
“I would like to introduce you to my mate,” I shouted at Bony Velma.
“What? Where is he? I’ll kill him,” Doug roared as he picked himself up off the sand. His fangs had dropped and his eyes glowed menacingly.
His intelligence level and inability to go with the flow were going to get him an ass kicking from me shortly, but that would have to wait. We needed to live through the next few minutes.
“You are,” I hissed as I grabbed him by the collar of his flowy Pirate shirt and jerked him up.
“I am?” he asked, quite pleased. “I thought you were still thinking about it. What made you decide? The size of my trouser snake?”
“Shut your cakehole and smile or you’ll have to regrow your trouser snake,” I hissed under my breath.
“Roger that,” he replied with a wide and adorable grin.
I really needed my head checked.
“Doug?” Bony Velma Dustface questioned, aghast. “Is that you?”
“Pirate Doug,” he corrected her.
“My bad,” she said. “Can I try again?”
“Aye.”
“Pirate Doug. Is that you?” she repeated, using his silly title.
“Aye, smelly sister it is,” he replied, glancing quickly over at me to make sure he’d answered the questio
n correctly.
I shook my head and giggled. He was an idiot, but he was my idiot and I was keeping him.
“Your brother is my mate,” I shouted to the shocked Sea Hag. “This makes me your sister-in-law,” I choked out on a gag.
“Yep,” Madison took over, realizing I was about to hurl at the horrifying realization. “Which in turn makes you abstractly related to me, Ariel and Misty.”
“And by association and suspension of disbelief, the rest of the hookers hiding on the beach with deodorant sticks,” Misty announced, swallowing hard so she didn’t lose her lunch. “Sea Creature Law twelve hundred and one point seven and a half states that family can’t steal tourist property from each other without having outstanding hygiene.”
“It does?” Doug asked.
The third time was always a charm. Janet decked her son’s ass… again.
“So Bony Velma,” I shouted. “What’s your position now?”
The Sea Hag stared at her brother and he stared at her. The tension was thick and I wondered if my plan was going to backfire in a big bad way. Slowly, Bony Velma Dustface floated down to the beach with her Hags right behind her. We all took fighting stances and waited.
“You’re his favorite,” Bony Velma snapped, approaching her brother.
Thankfully Janet quickly produced a pile of clothespins and magically plugged our noses. However, she couldn’t help our watering eyes.
“Pappy’s an arse,” Doug replied.
“So are you,” Bony Velma said.
“Your point?” Doug inquired.
“No point. Just an observation. Pappy doesn’t love me,” Bony Velma stated and let her chin fall to her chest.
Doug considered the reeking woman for a long moment and then closed the distance between them. Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her. We were going to have to soak him in tomato juice when this was over, but it was bizarrely beautiful.
“He has arse length green hair and a drinking problem,” Doug explained to his sister. “I’m sure he loves you in his own fucked up way. At least he didn’t pawn you off to the gods when he lost at charades—not that I mind being a Vampire. The regeneration benefits are outstanding. I’m embracing you with my seventeenth set of arms.”
“No one loves me,” she admitted sadly. “I don’t have any friends,”
“And you thought terrorizing my mate and her people would remedy that situation?”
Bony Velma nodded and shrugged. “It was a long shot, but we thought we’d give it a try.”
“Interesting,” Doug said as he unsuccessfully tried to extricate himself from his sister’s funky smelling arms.
“Why didn’t you just ask?” I questioned, cutting in and trying to help Doug get out of his predicament. It was a no go. Velma’s arms were a noxious vise.
“I don’t know,” Bony Velma admitted, pulling me into the pungent embrace with her brother. “We just wanted to be part of the fun.”
“And killing my people would accomplish that?” I asked, realizing I too was going to have to spend some time in a vat of tomato juice.
“Well, when you put it like that it sounds like a shitty plan,” Bony Velma muttered.
“Ya think?” I asked.
“How about this?” Doug suggested. “You let go of us before we pass out from your gamy aroma and then we come up with a real plan for you to be friends.”
Bony Velma squeezed us tight before letting us fall to the ground with a thud. Everyone waited with bated breath to see what horrifying plan Doug would put forth—including me. I wasn’t real sure how we could make peace with the Sea Hags, but anything would be better for business than killing each other on a daily basis.
“Oh shite,” Janet shouted, pointing out to sea. “Kraken attack.”
And then all Hell broke loose.
14
Pirate Doug
“Fucking Kraken,” I snarled. Just when I thought I was getting closer to getting jiggy with my Mermaid again, more shite hit the fan.
“That slimy bastard gutted our cave a month ago—killed about forty of my Hags,” Bony Velma Dustface hissed as she moved and stood next to me. “What the heck happened to his skin?”
Wally, Tallulah, her sisters, my men and the Sea Hags joined ranks and we watched as the Kraken ate the remains of my favorite ship.
“My mother, Wally, electrocuted him,” I explained, quite proud of the vicious woman who bore me.
“Your mother’s name is Wally?” Bony Velma asked in confusion.
“It’s Janet,” my mother volunteered, holding out her hand to Bony Velma. “I knew your mother. Shabby Annie Slimecrinkle was aromatic … and unforgettable.”
Bony Velma took Wally’s hand tentatively in hers and shook it. Clearly my stinky, violent sister wasn’t used to being treated like a normal person. If she bathed once a century and got some dentures, she might not have this issue, but I had bigger issues at the moment than my sibling’s hygiene.
“The Kraken is after me,” I said tersely, watching as the flaming pilfered furniture went down the greedy bastard’s throat. “I’m apparently the heir to Pappy’s throne and the nardhole doesn’t like that.”
“Will you have to dye your hair green?” Velma inquired with a wince.
“I’ll be passing on the job if that’s a requirement,” I explained.
“Good thinking,” she said with a nod of approval.
“Thank you.”
“Krakens are impossible to kill,” Tallulah said as her gorgeous lavender hair blew wildly around her head.
My Mermaid looked like an avenging goddess. Her ass kicking skills were outstanding. I wondered how she would feel about living on a ship and looting.
“By yourself it is,” I agreed. “However, you are not alone.”
“No time to get all Michael Jackson on us here,” Bony Velma snapped as she began to emit an odor so noxious I almost fell to my knees.
“What in Poseidon’s hairy ball sac are you doing?” I choked out. “Not really going to help if you kill everyone on the island.”
“Krakens have a keen sense of smell,” my sister shouted, signaling to the other Hags to let their funky stink flags fly. “It will disorient the fucker.”
“And singe our noses off our bodies,” Tallulah muttered on a gag.
“Not a problem,” Wally shouted as she waved her hands and magically produced gas masks for us. “Stink it up, Hags.”
“Will do,” Rickety Shelia grunted, turning a deeper shade of puke green and laughing like a deranged maniac.
“I’m calling in the sharks,” Tallulah announced as she went to her knees and began to chant. “They can’t kill the abomination, but they’ll slow him down.”
“Good plan,” I said. “If we can confuse the slimy shite with my sister’s rank BO and the sharks can take a few chunks out, I shall fly out there and behead it.”
“But wait,” Tallulah said. “It’s kinda one huge head with some legs sticking out to start with. How are you going to behead a head?”
Her point was excellent and it gave me pause. How did one behead a head?
“Can’t let the Kraken hit the shore,” Wally yelled.
“Why not?” I demanded, still trying to figure out how to behead a damned head.
“If it hits dry land it will explode into thousands of little midget sized Krakens with sharp pointy teeth and frizzy hair. The tiny bastards will eat everything in sight—including us,” Wally explained as she morphed into a massive version of herself. “I’ll electrocute him, but that won’t kill him either.”
“Everything can die,” I muttered as I paced the beach. I tried to think up a plan B or C or D or even Z. It was unacceptable to let the Kraken win.
“Bony Velma, do you have the Hag Daggers with you?” Tallulah asked.
“Yep,” Bony Velma answered with a curt nod. “But they just piss him off. We tried that last month.”
“Then how did you run him off?” I questioned as the Kraken finished off my ship and
began to eye the shore.
“Not sure,” she replied. “Might have been the aroma or the names we called him. Krakens have very sensitive hearing.”
“How sensitive?” I demanded.
“Very sensitive,” my sister said.
“How about this?” Ariel suggested, jumping up and down with excitement. “We get a huge tank of oxygen and shove it in the Kraken’s mouth and then get a bazooka and shoot the tank. But we might need Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss for that. I mean we could do it, but they have more experience with it. You know?”
“Good one. Does anyone actually know Roy Scheider or Richard Dreyfuss?” I asked thinking it wasn’t a bad plan.
“Oh my goddess,” Tallulah grumbled. “We don’t have time for that right now and that was from a freakin’ movie, Ariel.”
“The blue Mermaid might have a point,” Bony Velma said. “Conventional ideas won’t work. We gotta think outside of the box.”
“He’s getting closer,” Wally hissed as she began to glow.
My mother sent out a shot of magic that lit the Kraken up like an electrified wire in a lightning storm, but it just shook it off and kept coming closer. The roar of the beast and the crashing of the waves did not bode well for an outcome in our favor.
Unacceptable.
“The sharks are here,” Tallulah shouted.
Our finned allies stabbed and bit at the monster, but still to no avail.
Shite.
“We’re armed and ready to go after the cargo thieving tar stain,” Bonar yelled, brandishing his sword.
We had sharks, noxious body odor, electrocution, swords, and Hag Daggers. None of it stopped the ugly bastard. But wait…
“Hold your fire,” I bellowed. I had something else up my puffy sleeve. As long as my sister was correct about the Kraken’s hearing ability, it might just work.
“Wally, produce earplugs. NOW. On the count of three, all of you will plug your ears and fire all weapons simultaneously. Hags, get your stink on and throw your daggers. Wally, electrocute the beast. Tallulah, Ariel, Madison and Misty throw glitter fish bombs and keep ‘em coming. Tallulah, direct the sharks to go for the Kraken’s nards if they can find them in that blubbery mess. Bonar, Upton and Thornycraft, get your cutlasses ready. As soon as the fucker is in range, pierce the vicious monster.”
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