I groan at the memory of her suffering for me, and the fact if it hadn’t been for her I might not be here at this moment.
“Kadar, I have something to tell you.”
I nod my encouragement for her to continue. Whatever it is can’t be that bad.
She’s looking down, caressing the backs of my hands with her fingers. “That night in the desert palace, you told me I took a piece of your heart with me. Well, I took something else as well.” She swallows, and looks up, just as I start to wonder whether she’s admitting she’s stolen something from me, and then I realise my stupidity as it’s written all over her face. She’s not admitting to taking one of my possessions, or nothing that is yet in existence. It hits me like a physical blow, the reason why she refused the champagne and I reel.
“You lied to me. You weren’t protected.” The look on her face tells me I’m right.
“I didn’t want to worry you, Kadar. I knew then the issues it could have caused.”
I rise to my feet, pulling her with me then release her so she’s standing in front of me. She’s looking down like a naughty child. “You’re pregnant!” I straighten to my full height, my arms folding across my chest, my feet apart. “You’re fucking pregnant, and you didn’t think to tell me?” She looks worried; then it suddenly hits me. An explanation for what’s happened this evening. “Rais knows, doesn’t he? That’s why the sheikhs…” Fuck what a mess, she isn’t their choice, they were forced to accept her as she carries my heir. What’s this going to mean for the country? None of us had a choice.
I’m confused when she sadly shakes her head, “No. Rais nor anyone else in Amahad knows. No one at all, except for Sean and Ida.”
My relief is immense as I hear I’m not the only one in the dark, and that if the sheikhs didn’t know, she really was the one they wanted for their future emira. But was she still mine? I’m trying hard to fucking understand this, and bite down the urge to rant in fury. “When did you find out? Did you know before you left Amahad?”
It’s hard to make out her answer, her tears making her voice husky, “No, it wasn’t until afterwards, when I was in the hospital in England.”
“But you told me you were protected…”
“I didn’t know,” she wails, “My periods had been so irregular I didn’t know if it was a safe time or not. Then, even if I had been, Ethan had hit me so hard… with everything else that happened, I thought it wouldn’t have been possible; a baby couldn’t possibly have survived. It was a shock to me, Kadar.”
Devastating thoughts hammer into me, the idea that bastard Ethan could have caused her to lose my baby before anyone even knew of its existence. But why hadn’t she told me, all those weeks ago when she first knew? “Were you going to keep the child? Were you thinking of an abortion?”
“Never!” The vehemence of her response convinces me, and I don’t need her further explanation, but she continues anyway. “Kadar, that last time Ethan raped me, he didn’t use a condom. I wasn’t on the pill, I’ve never been able to take it, it makes me ill. The very first thing I did the next day after the rape was to make sure I wasn’t going to get pregnant.” She pauses to wipe tears from her eyes, “It was the complete opposite with you. I would never have planned it, never wanted to bring a child into the world without a partner by my side, but I knew if that were to be the outcome, I wouldn’t, couldn’t, do anything to prevent it. I was so sure it was impossible; it seemed a miracle when they told me. I never thought for one minute of having a termination. As soon as I knew, I started to love the baby, and I knew I was going to keep it. To keep part of you. And if that makes me selfish, I’m sorry.”
As I stand there trying to understand why she’s kept this from me, and why I wasn’t the first person to know, it’s at that point the most chilling thought hits me. “Were you ever going to tell me?” I growl, “If Rais and the sheikhs hadn’t have chosen you for my wife. Would you ever have admitted you were carrying my child?”
Sinking to her knees once again, she sobs into her hands. “Noooo.” Her admission comes out as a wail.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!
Chapter 40
Kadar
No. That one word echoes around my head as I turn away, walking to the far wall and thrusting my fist into it, hard. The ancient brick doesn’t give at all, but the pain in my hand helps me focus. I stand, my head bowed, my hands steepled below my chin. I’m unable to even look at her. The woman who would have hidden something so precious to me. The woman who lied to me and who would have kept that crucial secret from me for the rest of my life. If it hadn’t been for Rais bringing her back, I’d never known I had a child, possibly a son, my heir, living and breathing in another country. A royal child, one who should have been brought up on Amahadian soil. Could a greater act of treason ever be committed? And if she’d told me, I could have dispensed with that mockery of a cattle parade; I could have just married her instead without tonight’s circus. Could have been saved the heartache of the last few weeks and just had the woman I loved as my wife. Couldn’t I?
As she stays weeping noisily on the floor, I’m unable to turn and go to her or offer her any comfort. My knuckles throb having come off worse than the wall, and idly I smooth my other hand over them, hoping to ease the physical pain which is so much easier to alleviate than the damage done to my heart. I trusted her. Out of everyone I knew I thought she was someone I could rely on. How could I forgive such a betrayal? Her admission she was going to keep something of such great consequence from me?
Thoughts and memories rush round my head, tumbling through my brain. Tonight has made me feel too many emotions, far too many for a man who doesn’t do emotion at all, who was taught from the moment of my birth to think and not to feel. From my depression when I accepted tonight’s inevitable outcome, my elation when I found Zee was chosen for me, the choice I would have made myself. The euphoria that swept through me when I made my impassioned proposal, the joy at her acceptance then, the horrifying realisation of the implications of her devastating revelation. An intolerable number of emotions for a man not accustomed to dealing with sentiment at all.
And haven’t I always known that’s what causes problems? A leader of a country should never be swayed by his heart. Now is not the time to be bound or driven by passion. Now is the time for logic instead. Emotion must be pushed aside.
Ignoring the sobs of the woman kneeling on the floor, I force myself to do what I do best, to think, to analyse, to consider problems and options from all angles. To bring into play the traits of an emir as I’d been taught. Not to rush headlong into a knee-jerk action without digging beneath the surface, as to react without looking at issues from all sides is the way to start wars.
Bringing my hands down by my side, I uncurl them, willing myself to relax, and roll my head on my shoulders. I should never have put her in that position in the first place, I reflect, as I remember the night I forgot to use a condom. And why was that? It had never happened before. I’d always abided by my teaching that the royal seed was precious and must not be wasted. Sure, she’d been in charge that night, but it was still down to me to be responsible. But something about her had made me lose my mind. Fate? Or instinct? Had I, even then, subconsciously wanted her to be mine, and deep down had hoped that by impregnating her with my heir I’d be able to keep her by my side? When she lied to me, told me she was protected, hadn’t that been a kernel of disappointment that I’d felt?
Why had she lied to me? Why had she hidden her pregnancy from me? Now I risk a glance towards her, still sobbing as though her heart’s been broken. Fuck knows what she’s expecting me to do now; I don’t rightly know myself.
As I stare at the woman I love, the woman just moments ago I was so elated to know would be my wife, the ideal woman to support the emir. The woman who risked everything to save me. She shielded me then, didn’t she? Even when I failed to keep danger away from her.
And then it hits me like a sledgehammer. She was protecting me.
That night, she lied to save me worry. And then she’d continued to safeguard both me and Amahad, by concealing her pregnancy, leaving me free so I could follow the path that had been laid out for me. And there could only be one reason why she’d done that. She did it out of love. She hadn’t aborted my child but was prepared to raise it alone, unsupported, taking on all the problems that went along with that, for just one reason. Because she loved me.
Because what would have been the alternative had she told me? All hell would have broken loose, the ramifications would have been so great, would have caused such complications I’m not sure I’d have been able to keep my throne and the country could well have fallen into civil war. She lied and kept a secret. But out of love. And here am I, a fucking bastard making her cry.
As I realise the enormity of the decision she made and the reasons why she had done so, I can hold back no longer. With a roar I spin around, go to her and pull her to her feet and into my arms in one swift move. “Zee, I’m not worthy of you!” I tell her, fervently, taking her lips against mine, moving my mouth over hers, using little nips with my teeth to make her open for me. Taking advantage of her surprised gasp, I thrust my tongue inside, pushing into her mouth in the way my steel hard cock wants inside her tonight. When we’re both out of breath, I pull away. “You are mine, Zee. Mine. And there is nothing, fucking nothing that will ever keep us apart again.”
Breathing hard, she looks into my face and straight into my eyes. Her brow furrows as though she can’t quite comprehend what I’m saying, and it’s confirmed as she says quietly, “I thought you’d hate me; I didn’t believe that you would be able to forgive me.”
I throw my head back, my eyes automatically closing as I draw in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. Looking back down at her I tell her, “I was angry, Zee. At first, I could see nothing through my rage. But what had you to gain by keeping the baby secret from me? Then I understood. You thought by telling me I would lose everything. You amaze me that you could be so strong, so determined and have my best interests at heart and those of my country.” Smoothing my hand over her beautiful face, I continue, “I understand loyalty, Zee. But I might need a little help dealing with how much I fucking love you. I’m out of my depth here. With all of my fucking undeserving heart, I fucking love you.”
The minx considers me for a moment, and then gives a self-conscious smile and in a whisper dares to say, “I think I like the sound of the fucking part.”
I snort in surprise. “Zee, I’ll be as gentle as I can…”
She puts her hand to my lips, “Kadar, I’ve had a long time, too long, to think about this. That night, when you gave me control, it was what I needed then, but I didn’t know what to do, how to please you, how to take my own pleasure. It’s not how I’ve been thinking of you in my fantasies, and I want you now to bring those to life. I want you to take control; I want you to be my Dominant. You’ll never hurt me; I want to try everything with you. Just like you said, ‘all the things you want to do to me’.”
I’m taken aback by her frankness and honesty. “Are you sure?”
A slow, but deliberate nod, “When Ethan died, it unlocked something inside me. A realisation that I had to start afresh, that men like him are very few in the world, and you, Kadar, definitely don’t number among them. I love you, and I trust you. Now, will you take me to bed?”
Her eyes sparkle, and like her, I want to stop the talking and to get to the action part, but first, there’s something I need to do. “Don’t doubt it, we’ll be getting to that soon, but now we have to re-join the party. I need to claim you officially as my future bride.”
The smile fades. “You are certain you want to marry me?”
“No backing out now. You said yes.”
After a quick scrutiny as though she’s assuring herself of my sincerity, she straightens her clothes and tries to clean up her face with a tissue. I take it from her, dampen it with my saliva and gently wipe away the dried tracks of her tears, and the blackness where her mascara has run. Her makeup might not be as perfect as it had been, but the woman herself is perfection to me. I take her hand and lead her back into the ball. With a simple hand signal, I gesture for the music to stop. The sudden silence has everyone looking towards the small stage. I pull her up beside me.
“Ladies, Gentleman, Sheikhs, Sheikhas. May I present to you my chosen bride, Zoe Baker.”
Our prior exchange with the desert sheikhs had not been seen by the majority of those present so a surprised buzz of conversation started around the room. Rais steps up to my side, “Take your fiancée and finish what you started, Kadar.” He gives a pointed look to Zee’s clearly ravished lips, “My brother sheikhs and I will make sure everyone comprehends the wisdom of your choice.”
As grateful as I am, I have to frown at him and elicit a promise, “No bloodshed, Rais.”
“You spoil all my fun!” he retorts with a snort.
At his feigned look of disappointment, I pull him into me with one arm, my free hand slapping his back. No further words are necessary to show how profoundly thankful I am to him, knowing he had to have been behind getting all the other sheikhs on side. Then I waste no time taking him up on his suggestion. Zee and I have a lot of catching up to do and damn it if my woman wants a good fucking that is what she is going to get.
As quickly as we can make it through the vast palace, we hurry together until at last we arrive at the royal suite. I can’t quite believe it; she’s here in my fucking rooms. In my fucking bedroom. Protocol be damned, she’s staying her until the wedding and forever after, never leaving my side again. I can’t let her go.
I turn her to face me. “Zee, I don’t know how gentle I can be tonight,” I warn her again as I place her hand on my cock, hard and throbbing with the urgency to get inside her. “I don’t want to frighten you.”
Her beautiful face turns up to me. “I trust you, Kadar.”
“Do you? Do you trust me to know what you need? Do you trust me as your Dominant? Because that’s what I’m going to be for you.”
There’s only a slight flicker of concern in her eyes, and then it’s replaced by conviction, “You will never hurt me, Kadar. I know that. You would never take advantage of me.”
“I need control.” She has to understand what I’m asking.
“You’ve got it.” Her soft words, spoken with confidence, nearly undo me. She’s giving me herself, completely.
Pulling her close to me I take her mouth in a punishing kiss, so much emotion flowing through me, words are insufficient to express the depth of my feeling for her. When I release her, I touch my finger to her chin and turn her face up. “As you’re pregnant…” I stutter as the implication of what I’ve just said hits me with a force that almost brings me to my knees. “Fuck, Zee. You’re carrying my child inside you.” I can feel my eyes glistening with tears.
She gives me a wicked grin, and her head moves sideways left to right, then back again slowly. “It’s perfectly safe for the baby, Kadar. You’re not getting out of it that way!”
She thinks I’m backing out? Nothing will stop me being inside of her tonight, even if the desert sheikhs wage full-scale war with the cities. “There’s no escape now, Zee. But I will have to hold back on some things.” I decide to push her, “No spanking, whips, canes or flogging.” I wait for the signs of panic remembering what she’d been put through in her past, but instead I see a flash of disappointment. Deciding to lay down some ground rules I tell her, “Whatever we do will be consensual, Zee. You know that, don’t you? We’ll talk about your limits, things you want to try, and things you absolutely don’t want to do. We may be restricted for the next few months, but I warn you, habiti, once the baby is born the gloves come off.” Her eyes flash with excitement. “I want you to have a safeword—when you say it, I’ll stop.”
“Ethan.”
“What the fuck?” I bark a laugh of disbelief and my eyebrows lift as she says the name I thought she’d never want to voice again. I wouldn’t
like it if she ever said that, my cock would deflate in seconds as she’d be comparing me to that monster. I can understand why she suggested it, but I’m not having it.
She sees I not enamoured by the idea. “I’ll never have to use it.”
“Why don’t you just say ‘red’?”
A little nod, her precious smile, and she agrees.
I look around the room, my mind racing as I consider the possibilities while knowing I have to take things slow. A chuckle escapes as I plan the scene in my head, causing her to regard me suspiciously. “I’d like to tie you up.” I raise my eyebrows quizzically, wondering if it’s too early to ask her for this.
After a moment processing my request, she gives her agreement by dipping her head. I continue looking at her, and she remembers I need to hear the words. “Yes. I think I’d be okay with that.”
Putting my forefinger to my chin, I study her. Yes, she’s ready.
“Undress for me, Zee.”
As I wait for her to comply, the way her mouth turns up at the corners I know she remembers the time when she asked me to strip for her. I wait for the flicker of concern as she remembers how St. John Davies had used her nakedness as a form of humiliation, but that flash of memory doesn’t come. Instead, the shudder she gives and the flush that covers her body shows me how aroused she is already. But I want to check. “Are you wet for me, Zee?”
Her cheeks grow even redder, and she answers with a nod.
“I need words, habiti. You need to speak to me so I know what you’re feeling.”
“Yes, I’m wet. For you, Kadar. Only ever for you. All the time I was away from you, I thought only of you. I want you so much, Kadar.”
Fuck, how she unmans me. My cock feels ready to burst, my balls already drawing up in anticipation. It takes every amount of discipline I possess to will that over-eager part of me to be patient. Seeing her standing naked in front of me when I never expected even to see her again, causes my breath to catch in my throat. She’s so beautiful. And she’s mine.
Second Chances (Blood Brothers #3) Page 40
