He’s really gone. I sighed and headed out for the building site. It felt strange and wrong to go to the site and not have Eli there. I couldn’t stop looking around for him. I didn’t expect there to be such a deep emptiness in me.
Twenty-six
By Friday, Eli still hadn’t shown up. I knew he wouldn’t, but deep down I had held out hope. Eli was now the guy who disappeared with another girl. I shouldn’t have been shocked, even the voices inside my head were saying, “I told you so.” I had reached pathetic but, after days of secretly holding out hope, I moved way beyond to just pitiful. These were the thoughts I had to get away from.
I need to be put out of my misery.
His absence caused a darkness to seep deep into me. People seemed to sense the change in me and gave me a wide berth while walking in the hallway. The gossip of how I threw Sam into Eli’s windshield had spread like wildfire. The rumor mill took liberties with what happened, but nothing came close to the truth. People who hadn’t been there thought the incident had been grossly exaggerated; others thought it had been understated. No matter what they believed, they all seemed to fear me, and in a place like this that earned respect. The dark part of me relished that those who had belonged in gangs or had lived on the street were now intimidated by me and saw me as the more dangerous one. But what I really tried to ignore was the voice in me that said they were right.
Saturday felt like a blessing and a curse. Mrs. Sanchez cancelled the ropes course because of Eli’s disappearance and my injuries, which now had healed. For appearances, I kept a limp in my step. This meant I had more time alone with my thoughts. Too much time alone to allow my brain to dwell on things I didn’t understand or know how to face. Even my writing and my painting didn’t distract my mind from the mysteries haunting me. I even tried googling some of the things I’d seen, and got nothing useful. All that came up was crazy people on blogs rambling about government conspiracies and X-Men theories. All this made me want to see Eli more. I felt certain he knew something—something about me.
Fortunately, Ryan and Kennedy were not the type to leave me alone for too long. They had texted and called me relentlessly, trying to get me to go to a party in the woods with them that night. I wasn’t really in the mood, but at the same time I couldn’t take sitting home alone anymore.
“Come on, M&M,” Ryan begged. “What are you gonna do, sit home and wallow? I know you’re hurting, but are you really going to let this loser guy get the better of you? Especially since it’s not likely he’s sitting at home, wallowing over you.”
“Wow, ouch . . .” Truth was a nasty bitch sometimes. “That hurt.”
“Truth does, baby.” He was right. There was no way Eli was at home moping about me. I needed to move on.
“Good manipulating,” I said. “You really are good at it.”
I was glad I let Ryan talk me into going with them. I needed a few blissful hours of just having fun, letting everything else go. I was tired of being alone and scared. Blowing up things and throwing people into windshields with my mind could all be left at home tonight. So could my heartache over Eli.
I was pulling on my beanie and jacket when I heard the horn of Ryan’s Nissan. I picked up my phone and house keys and paused, looking down at my cell. My annoyance spiked making me want to throw the phone out the window. All I’d be doing would be staring at it all night, and I didn’t want that. I placed it on the counter, and headed out.
Locking the door behind me, I ran into the cold night air. The thick fog clung to everything within its grasp. The moon emitted an eerie glow as it tried to penetrate through the murkiness.
I hopped into the car. Kennedy was already in the backseat. Dance music cranked through the stereo, making the speakers sound like they were about to blow. “Ready, girl?” Ryan wiggled his eyebrows at me.
I gave him a short nod back. “Ready.”
Ryan did a double take. “Jesus, what the hell happened to your face now?”
“I’ll tell you, I promise, but can we just have a good time tonight and let me forget everything for a few hours?”
“What are you guys talking about up there?” Ken yelled from the backseat.
“Nothing. We’re just talking about you.” Ryan winked at me. “I’m telling her how you used to make out with your Orlando Bloom poster.”
“That’s understandable,” I replied.
“You dared me.” Kennedy pulled herself up between the seats. “Oh, and by the way, your shoes and jacket don’t go together,” she jabbed back, looking at me winking.
“What?” Ryan looked down at himself in horror.
“Oh, thanks Kennedy, now he’s going to insist on going home so he can change.” I threw up my hands, smiling to myself. This was exactly what I needed.
It took Ryan some major convincing that his outfit was fine before we finally got to the site. Grabbing our flashlights, we walked through the looming, dark forest. It was creepy, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. Trees felt like old friends. They would never hurt me, although I couldn’t say the same for the people and things in the forest.
The music and the glow of the bonfire reached us before we found the party. The number of people already there surprised me. There must have been about eighty or more mulling around the fire, dancing, drinking, and talking while someone’s iPod was hooked up to large speakers that were draining someone’s car battery. It was a mixture of the different schools in the area and different ages. I didn’t recognize most people, and for that I was glad.
“There’s Ian.” Kennedy pointed to a dark-haired, lanky boy laughing with a group of people not far from us. He was of average height and had the same dimples and dark, spiky hair as Ryan, but that’s where the resemblance ended. Ryan was adorable, but Ian definitely made you look twice. He was striking with his Caucasian-Asian ethnicity; his large, almond shaped eyes framed his deep, dark brown, almost black eyes.
“Ryan. You’re here, man,” Ian called, heading over to us, “and your Angels!”
“Of course. You think I’d miss partying with you and pimpin’ out my girls for some extra cash? Besides if I didn’t come I’d have nothing to blackmail you with later when Aunt Vicky asks me what you’ve been up to!”
Ian gave Ryan a quick guy hug and pat. “Funny, that’s why I do it, too.”
“That’s why this works—we both have too much shit on the other to ever rat each other out.”
“It’s been a good plan so far,” Ian said. Both of them smiled, showing their matching dimples. “But, I have to admit I only invite you so you’ll bring your beautiful harem.”
“Yes, you should start paying me for this service.”
“It’s in the mail,” he replied dryly and turned to Kennedy and me. “How are my favorite girls tonight?”
“Good,” Kennedy said. I smiled and the two of us gave him a quick hug.
“So who’s ready for a drink?”
“Me!” The three of us raised our hands.
We followed him back to where half a dozen coolers sat. I went down the row, trying to find something other than beer, finally settling on a chilled bottle of some kind of mixed vodka drink. I turned around to head back to the gang when I stopped dead in my tracks.
On the other side of the fire, Eli leaned against a tree, casually drinking a beer. Firelight flickered off his profile in an alluring mix of shadow and light. He looked so dangerous and frightening, but at the same time so unreal and strangely beautiful that it gripped my heart. Dark shadows accentuated the heavy circles beneath his eyes—he looked exhausted. Seeing him filled me with joy, then nervousness, then anger. What was he doing here? I looked around for his partner in crime, but I saw no sign of Samantha. I had thought he’d gone, leaving Olympia in his rearview mirror. Here he was, though, drinking a beer like he fit in with this party of college and high school students.
It took a few deep breaths for me to liberate myself from that spot. He had yet to see me. I was about to go over and ask him what had ha
ppened and why in the hell he was even here, when my stomach coiled into a tight knot and my legs almost gave out. A stunning, but trashy, curvaceous brunette, with a thin shirt emphasizing her extremely large boobs, and jeans so tight I imagined they had to be painted onto her, came purring up to Eli. It was the same girl that had popped up on his caller ID when he had driven me home several weeks earlier. She was far older than the average student here, and she oozed with sexuality. The shadows blocked his face as he turned to her. Her arms slipped around his neck, pulling him down into a passionate kiss.
I stared at them through the flames of the fire. I wanted to turn away but couldn’t. Emotion boiled through me. The flames of the bonfire started crackling and exploding higher into the air. Anyone near it jumped back in startled fear. “Holy shit,” I heard a voice exclaim. “Who’s throwing alcohol on the fire?”
It was not alcohol that caused the fire to swell. It was me—a dangerous cocktail of pissed off and hurt.
The commotion around me was enough for me to turn my gaze away from Eli. I turned around and high-tailed it away from the party, away from Eli, and away from watching him kiss another girl. I didn’t stop until I was deep in the throng of the towering trees.
I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Panic twisted through my lungs, and sharp pains constricted my chest. I gasped for air and bent over, putting my hands on my knees. Air slowly came back into my lungs. I sat down, leaning against a tree as my head spun. I was ashamed of myself. I was just another stupid girl who knew better, but still fell for him. Dumb. My mind tortured me with images of him and other girls, of him cupping their faces in his hands, his lips tasting theirs, him looking at them the same way I had seen him look at me. I banged my head against the tree. I guess I was the only one who thought we had this undeniable connection, this magnetic draw to each other, this unexplainable, even special, electricity when we touched. Dumb.
I was empty, lost in my heartache, when my internal warning system flickered. The mist hovered too close to the ground, making it hard to see anything. I felt someone’s eyes on me. I picked myself up, gripping the tree behind me. It was time to return to the party. I would be strong, and act as if I didn’t care how much he had hurt me. I didn’t need him. I turned to go and gasped. Eli stood in front of me with his arms crossed, blocking my way.
“Shit!” I yelped. “How do you keep sneaking up on me like that?”
“Maybe you should pay a bit more attention,” he said aloofly.
“Yeah, maybe I should.” I tried to move around him.
Grabbing my arm, he pulled me to a stop. “If you’re trying to say something, say it.”
I looked down at his hand grasping my elbow, then up to his face. “Take your hands off me.” I clenched my jaw furiously. Studying me, he slowly removed his hand. I recoiled from him. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
“Is that what you really want?”
A short laugh erupted out of me. “You really think you’re that irresistible don’t you? I’m not going to fall for whatever bullshit you’re about to dump on me, I’m not that inane.”
His brows furrowed. “What are you going on about?”
“Seriously?” I shook my head. “Why are you even here anyway?”
“To see you.”
“Right.” I wanted to go back to the party, but just like a magnet, I was drawn to him. I couldn’t leave. “I hate you,” I whispered furiously, but it came out sounding more breathy and passionate than true hatred.
He looked at me so deeply that it was as if he could read my mind. His fingers hooked into my belt loops and pulled me forcefully to him. My body pressed up against his, making me tremble. He tugged off my beanie and swept his hand up the back of my neck, entwining his fingers through my hair. He gripped the back of my head and brought my face to his. My overwhelming need for him took over with dizzying intensity. Our lips fervently devoured each other, desperate and hungry.
No, I can’t let him do this to me. He’s sucking you back into his game. He’s playing with you! It took several moments and a lot more shouting in my head to finally pull myself away. “No, stop!” I pushed him back hard. Taken off guard, he stumbled back into the tree.
“What the hell?” His eyes narrowed in confusion.
“Like you don’t know? Seriously, how stupid do you think I am?”
“That was rhetorical, right?”
The way I glared at him made the corner of his mouth twitch up in a smirk.
“I’m not going to let you treat me like this anymore.” Fury dripped in my every word. I used to shake my head and laugh at girls like me. “Look, I’m aware you’re a bit of a player, you’ve never made that fact a secret. But watching your tongue shoved down some girl’s throat tonight was only icing on the cake after hearing you ran off with Samantha. I’m not going to be just another girl you reel in.”
“Em . . .”
“No,” I said, cutting him off. “There is nothing you can say. I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses, or cryptic, mysterious reasons anymore, or why you haven’t called me, or why you happened to disappear the same time Sam did. The answer is pretty clear. I get it. Just go away and leave me alone. You’ve been nothing but a headache. So, run back to Sam or some other girl. I don’t care. I couldn’t give a crap about what you do anymore.”
“Sounds like it.”
Like fireworks, my anger burst into sparks, exploding fireballs that turned to ash. Cold anger controlled my voice. “Leave. Me. Alone.” I took one step to leave, but before I could blink, he pushed me up against a tree, pinning my wrists above my head.
A sardonic look crossed his face as he towered over me. “You done now?” His breath was warm on my cheek. I glared back at him. “Good, now if you allow me to get a word in, you might hear some actual truths, instead of your delusional ramblings.”
“DELUSIONAL? You assh—”
He placed his free hand over my mouth, cutting off my ranting. “Can you shut up for two seconds?” I stared back at him, not committing. He didn’t look completely convinced, but he lowered his hand from my mouth, and sighed. “Damnú ort! I’ve never had to restrain a girl to get her to listen to me before.”
“Maybe not to listen, but I’m sure you’ve restrained plenty of girls before.” I struggled against him, trying to break free.
He leaned all his weight against me so he could get a better grip on me. I hated myself, because all I focused on was his body against mine. It made me want to move in even closer to him. I was furious at my body and my heart, which yearned for him. My own body betrayed me. It would be marvelous if it would just let me hate him.
“Stop fighting me,” he said with a commanding voice. “Dammit woman, you are making me crazy.” He looked away shaking his head. “And definitely in more ways than one.”
We stared at each other. I struggled to keep my carnal thoughts under wraps. Eli shifted, looking away. My gaze drifted over his profile. He took my breath away, but he would only cause me pain. I had to look away.
His voice was soft, mumbling, and not unkind. “Em, I’m not trying to mislead you. I warned you I’m not a good guy, and I have a past proving that. But I won’t apologize for it or for the girls I’ve been with.”
“I don’t want you to apologize. I just want you to let me go,” I said, forcing myself to struggle against his hold. I was painfully aware of his body pressing into me.
He shook his head again, more in frustration than telling me no. “Listen. Yes, I left because of Sam, but it’s not what you think.”
“It never is.”
“I told you before. I’m not with Samantha.”
“Oh really? Is she aware of this fact?”
“She is. She just doesn’t deal with rejection well, and unfortunately, you got punished for it.”
“So, what about your other girlfriend?” My voice sounded catty. “Jeez Eli, you poor thing, you just can’t seem to keep them off of you, can you?”
“Yeah, and here I am out
with the one I have to pin against the tree so she’ll stay,” he scoffed. “The girl you saw me with earlier was someone I hung out with for a bit. I haven’t seen her in a while. It was what it was, and I never tried to deceive or delude her. She just chose what she wanted to hear. I didn’t know she was going to be here, and she came up and kissed me before I could stop her. If it helps any, I pushed her away.”
“It doesn’t.”
“I came here for you tonight.” He saw my eyes narrow in suspicion. “Believe me or not, but that is the truth. Wait! If you saw her kiss me, then you would have seen me push her off.”
“Well, I didn’t really stick around with a bowl of popcorn,” I replied, turning my face away from him. My rage started to trickle out of me, but the hurt wouldn’t leave. “How do I know what you’re saying is true? How do I know this isn’t the same bullshit you regurgitate to all the other girls?” Pain ground into my heart at the thought of Eli’s feelings being just lies.
“You don’t.” His eyes looked honestly into mine. “You either trust me or you don’t.”
How could I trust him? I tried never to let people in enough to need them so I could protect myself from the pain of loss. Here I was, however, letting the “poster boy of the unstable” into my life. My heart couldn’t handle the agony of losing him, which seemed inevitable.
He shifted back, the pressure of his body against mine lessening bit by bit until we no longer touched. “Sorry if that upsets you,” he said quietly.
There was a lot that upset me, like how acutely I missed the feel of his body pressed up against mine, or how, with a touch, he could send unexplainable shockwaves through me. There were so many baffling things left unsaid between us. We were connected beyond what was normal. I knew he was like me, but somehow different too. Our lives had linked together the instant we met, no matter how much either one tried to deny it.
Darkness Of Light (Darkness #1) Page 22
