“Raven?” Wizard’s voice came from behind me.
I squeezed my lids, forcing back the spurt of anger. He had been on me like a shadow every chance he got, acting like we were a couple. “Yes?” I swallowed, facing him.
“Franklin wants to see you.” He pushed at his glasses. “To go over the plan for tonight.”
“Right.” I nodded and changed course. I had asked several times about my “mission” tonight, but no one gave me a straight answer. I sensed tonight was pass or fail on a test I couldn’t study for.
Butterflies tumbled around my stomach. It wouldn’t be easy.
I stopped in the doorway, and Wizard bumped into me. “Major.” My gaze wandered over him, but he looked unharmed. “I’m sorry.” I stepped in, allowing Wizard to slip around me, where he took a seat at his computer. “I didn’t—”
“Let’s forget it, okay?” Major flicked through the files he was looking at, his mouth lined. His blue eyes turned to mine. “I don’t blame you. I don’t understand, but your personal life is not my concern.”
My mouth pinched as I entered the room.
“Hey, girl.” Cali patted the seat next to her. “Have a seat.”
Wizard frowned when I settled in next to her but went back to what he was doing.
“I would have done the same.” Cali leaned into my ear. “Anyone touched Wolf, I’d attack too. No one’s gonna take mind-blowing sex away from me. Am I right?” she added flippantly, but I wasn’t fooled. She was in love with him.
“It’s not like that.”
“Right.” She let out a chuckle. “I can see you know. You’re not fooling me. You have it baaadd.”
My eyes widened, terror creeping up my throat.
“I have extra abilities in seeing auras. And you two? Holy shit. Red hot. Like fuckin’ intense.”
My head darted around to see if anyone was in earshot. Only Wizard, Major, and Cali, and myself were here, and neither of the men glanced over.
“Don’t worry. No one else can see it.” Cali nudged me and winked. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
Soon Poppy, Fox, Mayhem, Ophelia, and Kenya entered the room, followed by Franklin.
“All right, I just want to do a quick meetup.” Franklin addressed the room, rounding to the far end of the table.
I was ready for a whole breakdown on events for the night and what he had planned for me, but he merely went through who was going, what to wear, and when to meet back in the war room.
“Aren’t you going to tell me what I’m doing?” I sat up in my seat.
“We’re working out a few more details.” Franklin rubbed his chin. “Our target has been misplaced, but with Wizard on it, I have no doubt we’ll be ready in time for tonight.”
“Still, shouldn’t I get an outline? A rundown of my part?”
“That’s part of the test, Raven. We need you to react in unforeseen circumstances.” Franklin leaned his hip on the table. “All new recruits go through the same exercise. You are no different.”
But I was. We all knew it even if they didn’t realize how much.
“Okay, everyone get some rest; we head out at midnight. Be back here at eleven thirty.” Franklin flicked his head, dismissing us.
Sleep. Right. I hated not knowing what I had to do tonight. It bothered me. I wanted to plan and prepare. Sleep would be pointless. Everyone cleared the room, rushing to be first in line for dinner. Sleep and food would be lost on me.
“Did you want to grab a quick dinner first?” Wizard shoved his hands into his pockets, standing over me, looking sheepish.
“No. I think I’m gonna go get some rest.” I stood from the conference table.
“Oh.” Wizard bobbed his head. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you back here later?”
“Yep,” I said, waiting for Wizard to walk away, but he tipped forward and back on his feet, like he was waiting for something. “Well, then…I’ll see you.”
“Yeah. Later.” He finally twisted to leave, but his feet still pointed toward me, bouncing. I could feel he wanted to ask me out, which up till now I had avoided or changed subjects before he could do it. I looked down, not wanting to meet his gaze as he asked the question I would have to refuse.
He sighed, turning and walking out the door, his head bowed. I felt awful but still couldn’t deny the relief at dodging him one more time.
Once I saw him head down the hallway for the café, I ran full force to the pit, not slowing till my feet pounded down the steps where I found Lorcan sitting in the exact spot I left him. All the other fae sat or laid on their beds, staring off into space.
With Wolf and Lorcan I sensed annoyance, but nothing like the rest. Wrath, resentment, and loathing pumped off the others with a stench almost as literal as the one filling the room. If given the chance, the three fae would tear us into tiny bits and laugh the entire time. Death was what they desired for us. And I couldn’t blame them for feeling that way.
“Hey.” I walked up to Lorcan. Only his eyes moved to me, then snapped back to the far wall. “You want to go to the upper level and walk around a bit before the mission tonight?”
“No,” he responded. Cold and aloof. I didn’t think he was even acting anymore.
My lids fluttered, batting away the hurt. “I don’t think I can sleep or eat. I’m too scared.”
Lorcan’s chin rose, and his gaze shifted side to side, a muscle along his jaw twitching. “No point worrying about it. You can’t control it.”
“You know that’s not how I work.” I absently grabbed for his arm, running my fingers down his skin, needing to touch him. He jerked under my touch, his head snapping toward the door.
“Ken, stop,” he rasped out. It was the first inkling of emotion I had heard from him.
“Why?” Cali was not shy about touching Wolf in front of people. DLR didn’t like it, but they didn’t kick her out over it.
“Come on. You need to rest.” Lorcan pushed off the wall, his hand skimming my lower back, pointing me for the stairs up to the exit. The feeling of his body next to mine invoked a sensually heightened awareness to collide over my skin.
Lorcan was silent as he walked me to my room. My heart spilled over with things I wanted to say, but none of them made it to the surface.
“Try to get some sleep.” He paused at my door, rubbing the back of his neck. “With everything you’ve gone through, you’ll handle whatever they throw at you,” he said as if he had no doubt. He dropped his arm and walked away. Seeing him disappear around the corner did something to me. Panic burst from my chest and moved me before I even realized it. Dread thumped my heart. Not because of the unknown ahead, but the known now.
I knew I didn’t want to be without him. Cali was right; I had it bad. I was so deeply in love with him I couldn’t think straight. And I could feel it…I was losing him, which scared me beyond anything else in the world. The last three days watching him become a shell killed me. He was doing it for me, but because of that, I was losing him.
“Lorcan. Wait,” I called out, running around the corner. He was almost down the hall where the door to the pit was. “Stop!” I yelled again.
His feet halted, but he didn’t turn around. “Yes, master?”
“Don’t.” I reached him, my toes knocking into his heels. “That’s not fair.”
“Fair.” He snorted scornfully. “What does that have to do with anything?”
I took a deep breath, trying to ignore his tone, my fingers lightly touching his elbow. “Stay with me,” I whispered.
His spine went rigid, every muscle contracting across his shoulder blades. He inhaled sharply, turning so abruptly I jumped back. Anger swelled in him, seeping out of his pores. “Now who’s not being fair?” He growled through his teeth.
At one time I would have bowed my head and run away, scared and hurt. Not to say the tendency wasn’t still there, but it was overshadowed. I had overcome too many threats, hateful words, and challenges in my life to cower and hide. Especially from him. I
stared at him, challenging his anger with silence.
“Stop that.” He inched closer, his growl deepening. I didn’t move. He gritted his teeth, glancing to the side, his hand running over the back of his head. His eyes fell back on me. “Stop fuckin’ looking at me like that. It seriously freaks me out.” He pulled away from me, shaking his head.
“Stay with me tonight,” I said softly.
His eyes snapped back to me, his expression full of warning. “Just tonight?” His fingers rolled into a fist. “I don’t think so.”
“Why?” I couldn’t hide the hurt lacing my voice.
“I am right where I’m supposed to be.” He nodded back toward the door where the fae slept. “With the depraved. Right at home there. My kind. So go, before anyone sees you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not who you are.”
“I’m worse.” He stabbed a finger in his chest. “The only difference between me and them is I came here on my own. I wasn’t forced, which makes me even more fucked up,” he spit through his teeth. “You will always be out of my reach. Close enough to taunt me, but never to have. It’s something I’ve known all along, especially after Jared died. But I kept denying it, thinking it could be different. But it’s not. I don’t fit in your world and you certainly don’t fit in mine.” He twisted to head for the door. “Go back to your kind. Leave me be.”
“No!” I shoved at his arm, wrenching him to face me, fury cracking through me. “Stop being like this.”
“Stop being like what?” He sneered, leaning in toward me, his arms out. “This is me, Kennedy. This is it.”
“No. It’s. Not!” I pushed him again. “I know you. You can pretend and hide behind all your masks, but I’ve seen you. The real you. So don’t give me this cheap version and act like that’s all there is.”
He opened his mouth, but I kept going, anger spewing off my tongue.
“You can hate it. Despise me because I can see past all your layers of bullshit. But I won’t settle for the guy you make everyone hate because you’re afraid.”
“Afraid?” He growled, slanting his head. “Do I fuckin’ look scared of anything to you?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“And what is it I’m scared of?” he countered, his nose flaring and pupils elongating.
I dropped my hand, craning my neck to look directly into his eyes, challenging the beast for dominance. “Me.”
Lorcan jerked back, his teeth cracking as they clenched. “You?” A derisive snort huffed from him, a cruel gaze running over me. “What the hell would I be afraid of from a pint-size girl like you?”
“Because I see you.”
He folded his arms, taking another step back away from me. His jaw muscles flexed and tension filled the space, our heavy breaths ping-ponging off the walls. He broke first, turning away from me. His hand ran from the back of his head to the front, scouring over his temples.
“Lorc—” I went to touch his arm, my fingertips barely grazing his skin before he whipped around, grabbing me and pushing me back against the wall.
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m done, Kennedy,” he rumbled, his eyes fully dark dweller.
“Can’t do what?” I whispered.
“This. Us. It is killing me.” His shoulders bunched around his neck, his hands pushing into the wall on either side of my head. “I told you once, I don’t do maybes. Not with you.” He shoved away.
My hand automatically grabbed for his. “No.” The thought of him walking out on me sawed me in half. “Talk to me. Tell me why you are so mad at me.”
His laugh was manic and twisted.
“Mad at you?” He shook his head, his expression feral. “Fuck! I wish it was that simple. I don’t even wish I could hate you. I want to feel nothing for you.”
I sucked in, my head hitting the wall, my heart crushing under his words.
“Then I could walk away from this whole thing, from you, and never have you cross my mind again.”
Pain stabbed right through my heart, my hand releasing his arm, my face scrunching with agony.
“What do you want from me?” His temper grew more agitated. “You don’t want to be with me... so what the hell do you want? A quick fuck? Is that it?”
His harsh bluntness hit me in the stomach like a game of dodgeball.
“You can’t keep doing this. Make up your fucking mind. It’s not only me who’s scared.” Both hands rubbed his face. He took a deep breath, then he straightened up. “Actually, I’ll make this easy for you. I’m out.”
I could sense the resolve. The truth behind his declaration. This time when he turned for the door, I felt him truly walking away from me.
Whatever barrier I had been trying to keep up disintegrated at my feet. “No!”
He ignored me.
“Lorcan.” I scrambled after him, my throat clogging with fear. “Lorcan, stop!” I grabbed him, blocking his progress, both of our breathing sounded ragged. “Do you know how hard this past year was?” The words I hadn’t planned to say broke out. “It was hell. Alone, terrified, and heartbroken. You act like I didn’t think of you once, when in truth, you haunted my every waking hour. Some days just breathing was an accomplishment. Jared killed me... but you... you obliterated me.”
Lorcan reeled around, his eyes tapered with distrust.
“But I couldn’t show any of that. Every day I’m threatened. I can’t show one moment of weakness. I couldn’t even mourn my own family’s death. I am Queen. My role is to be there for my people. To be their pillar of strength.” I gulped. “And it’s not like you were around. You walked away from me.”
“You told me to.”
“I did.” I nodded. “Jared’s death. The guilt swallowed me whole. And I took it out on you. On myself.”
“You don’t think I feel guilty? Jesus, Kennedy. Every time I look at you I feel another shackle of blame wrapping around my neck.”
“I-I thought it would be easier to cut you out. Having nothing to remind me of you.” I laughed humorlessly. “What a joke. Everything reminds me of you. You are in everything... under my skin. In my head.”
“Don’t say that.” He folded his arms.
“Don’t speak the truth?” I bellowed in frustration. “I swear sometimes you can hear my thoughts…and I hear yours. It freaks me out.”
“Shit.” He palmed his face, rubbing fiercely. “I was hoping it would lessen for you.”
“What would lessen?”
He bent over, his hands drumming his thighs before pulling to his full height. “Do you know why I pushed you away that night at Lars’s château? Why I continue to? I don’t want this for you.”
“What?” My chest squeezed, my intuition knowing, but my brain still was not ready.
Lorcan paced, his movements frantic.
“Tell me.”
He swore under his breath, pacing faster.
“I said tell me!”
Lorcan swung to me, ire straining his muscles. “My beast fucking claimed you,” he yelled, hurling it at me like an accusation. The word slammed into me like a bullet. “That’s why you can hear me. Why I can hear you. There. Are you happy?”
“What?” I sucked in.
“You heard me.”
I blinked, my mouth ajar.
“You’re not stupid. You’ve known it somewhere inside you since the first night together,” he snapped. “It began to claim you way before, but that night finalized it.”
I was pretty sure I did, but to hear it out loud was like he opened a locked cabinet and let the truth fall out on the floor. So many things he’d said, especially the exchange in Lars’s office, the morning after we were together, between Lorcan and Cole. Cole must have figured out then Lorcan had claimed me, all made sense now.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Honestly? At first I didn’t want it to be true. But that’s not how it works. Jared was another reason. Then the war…” He trailed off. When I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
>
“And you didn’t have sex with me—”
“Because each time it only increases the bond.” He cut in. “You were and never could be a casual fuck.” The word plummeted straight between my thighs, letting my own beast out, roaring to life. “I was already screwed, but I wanted you to be free. You didn’t need this…or me.”
Mine. I could hear the primal part of my brain loud and clear. Now my feelings were out there, my body clamored for his.
“What if I want it?”
“Really?” He took a step toward me. “Because this isn’t just for a night, Ken. Who I am? What I do? I don’t see you welcoming me into your life or with your friends.”
“Some of those friends are your own family.”
“Yeah.” He snorted. “And you know how much they adore me.”
“I didn’t say it wouldn’t be hard work.”
His boots hit mine, his voice low. “You’re not going to change me.”
“I don’t want to.” I tipped my head back to look up, his body heat crashing into mine. “The beast, the monster, the man. I want all of you.”
“So, you’ll be all right with how Ryan and Ember will react? How your court will respond to you taking on a dark dweller for a lover?” He inched closer till there wasn’t a sliver of space between us. “When I go to work?”
“For once I’m going to think about what I want.”
“And what do you want?” His fingers brutally slid over my ear and down my neck, tangling in my hair. Desire zipped through my veins, heating my skin.
“You.” I rolled my hand in his T-shirt, tugging him closer. “Always. You.”
He paused a moment and stared into my eyes. Mine. The word came into my head and this time I knew it was from him.
A smile curved my mouth. Mine, I said back.
Lorcan’s hands skated up my jaw, his mouth crashing down on mine, capturing my mouth hungrily with his. The kiss quickly turned crazed, his tongue parting my lips, demanding more. My fingers clawed under his shirt, ran over his abs to his back, and pulled him in closer.
Our passion was anything but sweet and slow. The year apart and the temptations we both struggled with daily on this crazy adventure had turned into unadulterated need. Desperate. Raw. Primal.
Lightness Falling (Lightness Saga Book 2) Page 22
