You’re kidding? Who knew I could come up with something witty like that, huh? It must have hurt real bad, thank God I didn’t really go through it.
“That’s a classic, Kelli,” one of Will’s brother’s said. I couldn’t remember his name.
“Right-i-o, question five: What role did Kelli play in the parents and children’s school production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?”
Oh. Another one I didn’t know. But I bet the answer was Snow White, no, the Evil Queen - yes, I bet that’s right.
“I know that one!” Elaine piqued up, entering her answer into her e-pad screen. “We were backstage buddies.”
“I know that one too,” Diora said.
Will smiled and waited for everyone to enter their answer. “The answer is … Grumpy! Kelli played Grumpy, one of the seven dwarfs.”
No way! How could that be? It wasn’t fair! And I was far from dwarfed.
“I played the Evil Queen,” Diora said, looking the complete opposite in her pink fairy costume.
Yes of course. She would have been perfect at that. Not that she was evil, but she could definitely take control of any given situation.
“I was Sleepy,” Elaine said. “Which I played well because I was actually sleepy at the time.” She laughed.
“Question six, another multiple choice: What affliction did Kelli endure after our family ski trip last year? a) broken ribs, b) gastroenteritis, or c) a broken fingernail?”
Skiing? I’ve never been skiing before in my life. Probably the broken fingernail, it’s so annoying when that happens, especially when you’ve been growing them all to the same length and then you have to go and cut the rest to match the broken one. Or get acrylics and put up with the mask-mouthed nail technician going on about the injustice of health insurance companies not covering manicures, which kind of made sense when you thought about it. Nails were part of the human body after all, why should they be treated any differently to feet, or eyes, or even hair for that matter. Yes, hairdresser fees should be covered by health insurance too.
“They all sound unbearable to me,” Regina said, curling her fingers to examine her own fingernails.
“Time’s up. The answer is a) broken ribs. Poor Kelli bit off a little more than she could chew when she opted for the Daredevil ski challenge. She spent the next several weeks recovering and I tried to keep her from laughing, sneezing, or coughing, which considering she caught Ryan’s cold a week later made for a very difficult situation!”
“Yeah, it was a tough time,” I said, nodding and absorbing the looks of sympathy from my guests.
“Now something a little different … question seven: What did Kelli buy me for my fortieth birthday party?”
“C’mon, no multiple choice for that one?” someone called out.
“No, we’re getting to the tough end of the quiz now.”
“I know this one too!” Elaine busily typed up her answer.
What would I have bought my husband for his birthday? A watch? A subscription to Business Monthly magazine?
“A Man Spa salon pampering package, including a massage and facial!” Will revealed.
Yeah, that.
“I bet you enjoyed it, didn’t you man?” one of his police officer brothers said.
“How else could I look this good?” Will stroked his chin with his thumb and forefinger, then laughed. “If you must know, it was a very relaxing day.” He smiled at me and I smiled back.
“Was it better than sex?” Elaine called out and immediately her hand flew to her mouth. “Oops, I can’t believe I just asked that, sorry! Must be the champagne talking.” Her ghostly pallor brightened a little as some of the guests laughed.
“And lastly, question eight: What is Kelli’s favourite movie?”
I’ve been redeemed. Sex and The City for sure. The first one, not the sequel.
“And the answer is of course, the Oscar winning movie, Destined.”
What?
“We saw it on our first anniversary and as the credits rolled, Kelli turned to me and said, ‘That is the best movie I’ve ever seen’. I asked her last week and she still agrees.”
Never even heard of it.
“Woohoo, I got all of them right!” Elaine stood up and pumped the air with her fist, as did Diora. Well, Diora pumped the air but didn’t stand, her rounded body perched permanently on a pod in the Bliss Garden. Three people I didn’t recognise also ‘woohoo-ed’ and the waiter approached them with the lucky dip bowl. They each reached inside and plucked a mystery gift, but by the looks of it they were all chocolate, each with a unique name.
“I got Chocolate Passion,” Elaine said, lifting her cellophane-wrapped chocolate truffle. “I’ll take any passion I can get.” She pulled off the wrapper and popped the chocolate into her mouth.
“Chocolate Dream for me,” Diora said, while the other three winners got Chocolate Scandal, Chocolate Secret and Chocolate Love.
“Can’t I get a lucky dip too? I only just missed out, seven out of eight,” Ryan said.
“Me too,” Kasey declared. “Close enough?”
“Nope, rules are rules. Congratulations to our five winners and don’t worry, we’ll have chocolates and coffee later, as well as delicious cake.”
Cake. I leaned forward and peered longingly towards the kitchen, the key to my doorway home residing in that cardboard box. Two out of eight, that’s all I got in the Quiz About Kelli. That’s a measly … um … oh, I don’t know, some measly percentage. I was sure my e-pad had an inbuilt calculator but what was the point? I’d failed miserably in a quiz that was all about me. Elaine, a woman I knew nothing about, knew everything about me. Who was this woman I’d become?
Chapter 15
There’s No Time like the Present
“When the music changes so does the dance”
— Nigerian proverb
“Oh, look! Kelli’s doing the robot dance,” one of Will’s brothers said as he approached the makeshift dance floor in the living room-Party Hub.
“No I’m not,” I interjected, but on looking down at my stiff torso and rigid arms I realised I was dancing more robotically than intended. Not that I’d planned to dance even remotely robotically. Will’s brother—was it Steven?—sidled up next to me and matched my movements, holding his elbows at a ninety-degree angle and moving them up and down. Will joined in too, pulling off a rather brilliant robotic performance and I agreed that I was in fact doing the robot dance.
More guests participated, competing for the impromptu Robot Dancer of the Night award, which Will awarded to Cleopatra, the woman who’d asked me about some business proposal. Turned out she used to be a dance teacher, so no wonder she won, although if the caterers had participated I think they would have been in with a good chance.
After another fifteen minutes in the bathroom wrangling with my support suit, this time armed with Band-Aids to dress the fingernail wounds and body lotion to help the fabric slide more easily, I emerged to find Diora standing for a change, at the microphone.
“Listen up everyone, it’s time for the best part of the evening …”
“The cake?” I asked with a little too obvious enthusiasm.
“No Mum, the presents!”
Bugger. Then again, I did like presents.
“So Mum, if you’d like to take a seat over here.” Diora gestured towards a stool near the present table. “You can begin opening the presents. Dad, you all set to take photos?”
I sat on the stool and Will stood nearby, e-pad at the ready with a little square shaped hologram hovering above it. As I picked up the first present, a small box with gold wrapping and a red bow, Will snapped a photo of me.
Seriously, what would a person in this day and age do without their e-pad?
“That’s from me, Mum.” Diora beamed.
I looked up at my daughter. “But you already bought me the facial earlier today. You didn’t have to get me anything else.” Then again, who was I to refuse? “Thanks, sweetie.” I pulled
at the red ribbon.
“Wait, don’t forget to read the card,” she said.
What card? I glanced at the sparkly gift and on the underside was a small barcode stuck to the paper. Oh, right! Hoping like hell it wasn’t just the barcode from the wrapping paper, I subtly held it near my e-pad and with relief a beep sounded.
Do you want to open or save document? the screen asked.
I pressed ‘open’ and a beautiful birthday card came to life before my eyes. It showed a woman walking through a magical forest, staring at the twinkling stars in the sky. She pointed to one and it glowed, before bursting into a thousand tiny flickering embers of light, leaving behind the words: May all your wishes come true on your birthday ~ your daughter, Diora.
I smiled in delight and glanced again at my daughter, her face weary but happy. “I certainly hope they do. Thank you, darling.” I pulled off the ribbon and lifted the gift from its wrapping. When I opened the box a shiny pendant winked at me, its smooth oval shape framing a red jewel in the centre.
“And I didn’t even know you were wearing red tonight, how appropriate!” Diora said.
“It’s perfect.” I lifted the necklace from its case and held it up to the peering crowd. As it spun side to side on its chain, an inscription on the back caught my eye. I squinted and held it at arms-length to read it.
If I am this gem, then you are the precious metal, because without your strength and support I could not shine my light to the world. ~ Diora.
Oh my God. Was I crying? A gentle warmth radiated from within and caressed my body. My eyelids blinked over slippery eyes. “Diora, that’s beautiful. I don’t know what to say.” I stood up and walked to her, my arms encasing her just like the necklace, although not all the way around because there was the issue of the restricted arm movement, compounded by Diora’s large belly.
“Happy birthday, Mum,” she whispered.
Composing myself, I resumed my position on the stool and picked up the next present.
“That’s from me,” Elaine said.
“Another one from you too? Wow, I’m totally spoilt.” I smiled.
Inside a rectangular box was a plastic gift card with Wildfire Women’s Resort on the front. I squinted again at the writing on the back, which told me I was entitled to a two-night stay.
“I’ve got one too, so we can have a girl’s weekend away!” Elaine beamed. “I was thinking sometime next month, but whatever works for you.”
“Thank you, Elaine.” For someone who seemed fairly budget conscious, this plus the facial from today must have been a stretch. A strange and unfamiliar sensation crept its way around my body, peering into nooks and crannies and believe me, I had developed quite a few of those. My heart softened like cotton wool. “I’m humbled by your generosity.”
Her ghostly figure floated towards me and embraced me. “How are you coping with the suit?” she sneaked in before pulling away.
My parents-in-law weaved to the front of the crowd as I picked up their present. I tore away the Victorian floral paper and stared at the package. Household Helper - Instant Vacuum.
How could this be a vacuum cleaner, the box wasn’t large enough. “Oh, thanks. I’ve been wanting one of these!” I forced my eyes wide to express excitement at such a gift.
“I thought you might, especially after last Christmas when you complained about your sore back from all the vacuuming,” Marge Simpson said. “This will make things much easier for you.” She turned the box over and pointed to the illustrated instructions. “You just install the devices in a corner of each room, make sure there’s nothing small and valuable on the floor, press the red button, and voila! All dust from up to seven metres away is sucked into the device.”
Now that’s my kind of housework.
“But how does all the dust fit into such a small device?” Elaine asked, her forehead furrowed as she examined the box.
Homer Simpson waddled his ample belly towards the fascinated housewives gathered around the Household Helper. “What happens is, the dust is compressed to half its size and then dispersed into nanoparticles which the device then compresses again, causing a compound effect which reduces the molecular size tenfold.” My father-in-law should have come dressed as Einstein.
“In other words, honey, it makes the dust smaller so you don’t have to empty the device that often,” Will added.
“I have to get one,” Elaine stated.
“I got one a few months back,” Regina said with a flick of her blond Marilyn wig. “A reward to myself for my business going above and beyond its income targets.”
“Ah, so the matchmaking industry’s still going bug guns, eh?” Will asked Regina.
“Totally. I think ConnectNow’s success comes from the fact we also have a showroom, something the online-only dating websites can’t compete with.”
So that explained Regina’s interest in all things romantic. She’s a professional flirt! But a showroom for potential romantic partners? How did that work? I imagined walking into such a showroom and asking, ‘Do you have any tall, dark, handsome doctors in stock at the moment?’ to which the salesperson might say, ‘Sorry, we’re all out as they were on special last week. Can I put you down for a backorder and notify you when one becomes available?’
I swallowed my giggles and thanked Marge and Homer for the gift, then picked up a flat rectangular package wrapped in a luxurious silk scarf.
“The scarf is the real present, Kelli,” Regina explained. “What’s inside is more of a…how do I say it? …novelty gift, if you like. One cannot turn fifty without a little gimmick in honour of advancing age now, can they?” She winked and my stomach plummeted.
Oh man, what could it be? It wasn’t going to be those incontinence pads, was it? Or some kind of adult diaper? I reluctantly tugged at the package. Worse. A sense of déjà vu washed over me as cardboard packaging greeted my eyes, complete with a picture of a slim woman smiling in her beige underwear.
A SlimFX Magic Suit version 2.0, New and Improved, the label said. Now with expandable release valve for ease of use! In other words—now with expandable release valve for getting in and out of the damn thing without requiring hospitalisation and emergency surgery.
I faked a laugh. “Haha thanks, Regina. Just what I’ve always wanted!”
Elaine glanced my way with an expression that said ‘How dare she give you something like that in front of everyone’ and Ryan’s mouth appeared about to explode with a lump of laughter. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I wished Regina had given me this earlier so I could have saved myself the trouble of dealing with version 1.0
“Anyway, not that you need one Kelli, but they’re actually pretty good. Gives you a nice smooth line under a fitted dress. I’m wearing the discreet strapless version now, can you tell?” Regina twirled and her Marilyn Monroe dress lifted and spun with her, and no, I couldn’t tell. “Sorry, I just had to do that! Get into character, you know?” She winked again and it could have been a coincidence but Will’s brother stepped slightly to the side, away from Regina.
I opened more presents, including a heat-sensing automatic temperature-adjusting blanket from Kasey and Max, along with a donation on my behalf to the Ants Have Feelings Too research foundation, and watched more amazing moving birthday cards, until only one thing remained on the present table. A white envelope.
It seemed strange that among all this technology, paper still actually existed. I slid my finger under the seal and pulled out a plastic card about the size of a book … if books still existed, I certainly hadn’t seen any around the house.
“Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be for later,” Will said. “Ah, might as well have it now, then.” His face went slightly pink.
“What is it, Kel?” Elaine asked with curious eyes.
“It’s a …” I began, my cheeks becoming hot.
Ryan came over and plucked the card from my hands. “C’mon, the suspense is killing us!” He read the card and grinned. “It’s a couple’s
intimate photo shoot at Image of Desire studios.”
“Woo-woo!” Regina said and a few cheers and whistles escaped the mouths of my guests, as Will held out his hands.
“Now calm down everyone, it’s just a makeover and photo shoot for married couples, nothing raunchy.”
“Yeah right,” Ryan exclaimed. “Have you seen the portfolio on the gift card? Look.” He pressed a button on the card and a slideshow played, showing various couples wearing minimal clothing embracing in imaginative positions like strands of spaghetti clinging to a fork.
A makeover and photo shoot I could handle, but with Will? Doing…that? My stomach lurched as I attempted to steal the card back from Ryan, who was holding it up in the air for everyone to see, keeping it out of my grasp. “Give it to me, son, that’s enough of your teasing,” I said in a motherly voice and interestingly, it worked.
“Sorry, Mum. It’s just funny, that’s all.” He handed me the card and I shoved it back in its envelope as Will mouthed a red-faced ‘sorry’ at me. I flicked my hand as though it was nothing and then re-opened Diora’s gift in an effort to distract myself—and everyone else—asking the nearest person to help me latch the necklace around my neck.
“There is another present, Mum,” Ryan said in a more serious tone.
“Huh? But you already took me bungy jumping.”
“You went bungy jumping?” Marge Simpson leapt from her seat, her beehive wig almost toppling forward.
“Didn’t you know?” Homer asked. “I told you yesterday remember, when you were baking that soufflé?”
“Darling, you should know by now to never talk to me when I’m baking, especially a soufflé, I won’t remember a thing for the concentration it requires.”
“Yes, she sure did,” Ben said. “She was awesome!” Ryan glanced longingly towards Ben and smiled, before turning back to me.
“This is something extra special, I’ve been planning it for a while,” Ryan said.
Oh dear God. Don’t let it be skydiving, or hang gliding, or a one-way trip to Mount Everest. Please!
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