by Alexa Davis
*****
I did my best to enjoy the small talk of the next hour, but I was already starting to feel a segregation, a sense that I no longer belonged. It wasn't purposeful, not by anyone, but things were already becoming different.
My mind wandered as some of the girls discussed a new patient coming their way in the following weeks, and I started to think about all that I still needed to do. I knew I wouldn’t be able to pack while I was still working; I spent far too long burning the candle at both ends to even attempt it, which was why I’d agreed to leave a few days earlier. I figured that having some time to do nothing but get organized would be good for me, but now that it was time, the prospect was almost overwhelming.
How the hell was I supposed to just up and move my entire life? I had everything there, all my belongings, and that was going to be a bitch to get right all the way across the country.
“Hey, Ashlee,” Eileen nudged me playfully. “Maybe you’ll find love in Oregon! Maybe that’s where all the good guys are these days; they certainly aren’t here!”
Of course, this brought about a conversation centered on all the bad dates that everyone had been on recently, which was just another chat I couldn't get involved in. When I first moved to the city with a broken heart, I had tried to get out there and to find someone new, but it quickly became clear that I was a lost cause, so I had given up. I stopped going on dates, but the thought of restarting that in Florence was even more terrifying than doing it in New York.
At least in New York I could remain anonymous; in Florence, most people would remember me, and the ones that didn’t would know my name soon enough. It was a fishing village where most people were born and didn’t leave. Maybe that would have been me if things had been different, but of course, I’d moved away without any intention of coming back.
The emotion suddenly became too much for me and I needed a moment alone, so I stood up sharply and made my way to the bathroom, hoping to be able to get a break, but before I could get there, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Oh, I’m...” I started, but as I spotted my boss Dan standing in front of me, I allowed the façade to slide just a little bit. He was the only one who knew the truth about why I was leaving, so I no longer needed to act like everything was okay.
When I got the news that my mother was sick and I made the decision to go and be with her, despite the fact that she was returning to the place where I thought I would never end up again, I had to tell him. Dan was an amazing and understanding man, so I knew he would be a good listening ear, but it was more than that. I felt like I owed him the truth about why I was turning my back on such an amazing job.
“Can you come into my office for a second?” he asked with concern in his eyes. “I just want a little word before you leave us forever.”
I followed closely behind him, glad to be able to have a moment alone to say goodbye to him, even if it did mean that I would have to delve into the emotions I was doing my best to keep at bay.
I sat in the seat on the other side of Dan’s desk, like I had done a million times before, knowing it was going to be my last time.
“I just want to check how you are,” he started inquisitively, giving me a look that suggested he wanted to see deep into my soul to work out what the hell was going on with me. Well, he would have a job with that one; I wasn't even sure myself. “And to see what’s going on with your mom.”
“Well, we don’t know any more than last time. She’s just about to see a new doctor, so I’m sure she’ll have more information for me soon.” I sighed sadly, allowing my head to fall a little bit. “But I’m sure it’ll all be fine... After all, she’s put up with me for twenty-eight years. She won’t let a little bit of cancer defeat her.”
I sent Dan a weak smile, but he clearly wasn't falling for it. “Okay, just know that I’m always here for you if you want to talk, and that there will always be a job for you here if you need it.”
“Thank you,” I replied appreciatively, leaning forward in my seat. “I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me and that’s great lovely of you to say.” I didn’t know how much of it was the truth, but it was nice to hear all the same. It made feel an internal sense of gratitude, especially when I thought of how it could have turned out when I came to the city.
I could have ended up jobless, homeless, and having to return there with my tail between my legs. At least now things were different. I was successful, stronger, and over it all. I could go back now with my head held high and my heart intact.
He could have gone by now, anyway. I had purposely not learned anything about his life, so he could have been anywhere else in the damn world. I just had to hope that he was because if I saw him again, I might end up reverting to the young girl I was all those years ago.
“How is it going to be back in your home town?” Dan asked curiously. “Will it be good or really weird?”
I pushed my chair back and stood up, ready to leave. This was not a conversation that I felt comfortable having, but I also didn’t want to blow Dan off, either, not when he was being so caring. After a moment of silence, I replied, instantly noticing a coldness to my tone.
“Some places are better left a memory.”
And Florence, Oregon was one of those places, but I was going to have to push that aside for now for my mother’s sake. Some things were more important than some stupid, ancient history that no longer affected me.
At one point, it had bothered me for every damn second of every day, but that time of my life was over. Now I knew I could tackle it. Sure, it was going to be a little difficult going in, but as soon as that initial awfulness was over, everything would be okay.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you soon,” I smiled at him. “Or... Well, I’ll speak to you soon, anyway.”
With that statement, I walked out of his office to say goodbye to everyone else. The time had come to leave my colleagues behind and to bid farewell to my office, too...and I already knew that was going to be the most difficult goodbye of them all.
Chapter Three
Matthew
Thursday After Work
The only good thing about the day was that my best friend Willy was coming back from a three-day fishing trip. I always missed having him around when he went away not only because he had great banter, but he was also a good guy, too – the sort I could go to with any problem I had.
Despite that, I didn’t want to tell him about this one.
The news that Peggy Baker was coming back to town had haunted me all day. I wasn’t sure that I wanted someone else’s opinion on the matter at the moment, not until I’d had the time to adjust to it properly myself. Of course, it didn’t mean that I would be bumping into Ashlee anytime soon, but it was a strong link to her – and a link was something I hadn’t experienced for a very long time.
I didn’t know what to do with that information yet, and it was driving me insane.
As soon as work was over, I left the clinic and made my way down to the docks, unable to wait any longer. I needed someone to pull me out of my bad mood, and while Terri had done it short term, that satisfaction hadn’t lasted.
Maybe if I had her with me for the night, I wouldn’t be able to lose myself in negativity all over again. I wouldn’t be forced to remember the past that I’d been trying to put behind me. With that thought in mind, I fired off a quick text to her, knowing she would be keen.
Want to meeting up later? ;)
I knew that I didn’t have to say more, and much to my relief, she sent back a thumbs up. It was on! Okay good... The longer I was distracted, the better.
As soon as I reached the docks, I shook off my light jacket, taking a minute to enjoy the blistering heat. I loved the summer; it was the season I felt happiest in, and since it was only June, I knew there was still a long way to go. We would have a lot more heat soon enough, which meant I was going to have to start getting out as much as I could. The sculpted body I’d worked hard on looked so much better with a ta
n.
A smile began to play on my lips as I noticed Willy’s boat coming into dock. I had to admit, my friend had done well for himself considering. When he dropped out of high school a year early, never graduating, everyone assumed he would end up working in a fast food restaurant, shoveling out fries to people, but I had known about his bigger plan and was sure that he would be just fine.
Florence was all about fishing, anyway, so it was hardly a surprise that at least some of us would find some success in that industry.
Willy had been working for the Pennell family ever since he left school, and he knew the trade like the back of his hand now. He knew where the best fish were, the most successful way to catch the different types, and how to maximize his profits.
In short, I was proud of him. He had defied people’s opinions, and that was something to be happy about.
As soon as his boat was near enough, I watched in slow motion as he grabbed a beer and tossed it over the side to me. As quickly as it felt like I moved, and as fast as I stuck out my hand, I still managed to miss it, and all I could do was watch in dismay as it tumbled into the water.
Shit. I knew I wasn't the greatest at sports, but that was something else!
“That’s why you never played wide receiver!” Willy joked. “Because you’re not willing to put your body on the line.”
“Ha, ha,” I laughed sarcastically. “Very funny.”
Luckily, the next bottle that came my way was handed carefully to me, which I grabbed as I climbed aboard the boat. The powerful stench of fish immediately infected my nostrils, but I was pretty used to it by that point. It certainly didn’t repulse me anymore.
“So, how’s it going, dude?” I asked casually. “How were the fish?”
“It was balls cold,” he told me while taking a massive swig of his beer. “And, I couldn’t catch a disease in a Vietnamese whore house for the first two days, but I did bring in some nice tuna early this morning, so I suppose it was worth it in the end.”
“When are you out again?” I asked him while my eyes flickered over to the massive haul he’d brought in. If this wasn't much, then I could see why he was making so much money. It looked like a good trip to me! “Any time this week?”
“I don't think so,” he shook his head. “The weather won’t be right, so I may leave it until next week. We’ll see.”
“We’ll have to go out for some drinks one night.” I figured I would tell him about everything then. In a few days’ time, especially after I’d seen Peggy, I hoped that my mindset would be much better. I hoped that I would see her, and everything would be normal...allowing my life to remain exactly as it was.
God, it’s a good thing that I’m seeing Terri tonight, I thought seriously, knowing that things could go wrong if I was left alone.
“Sounds good, man, but before then, you can give me a hand cleaning up the boat a bit.”
“Oh yeah, like I haven’t been at work all day,” I chuckled. “Anyone would think that I’m your slave!”
Despite my protests, I helped Willy, just like he knew I would, and we got stuck into some small talk about work. He told me more of the details about his life on the ocean, and I told him what I could about my job, too. Of course, there was only so much that I could say because of doctor patient confidentiality, but there were a few other things I could tell him. Mostly office gossip, to be fair.
“And, how’s that smoking-hot piece of ass you’re friends with?” he eventually asked, landing on the one subject he was most interested in. “How are things with her? Has she fallen in love with you yet?”
“Look at me,” I laughed at him. “Can you imagine anyone falling in love with this?”
“Well, no,” he teased as a reply. “But I do know women, and I know for a fact that they can’t just continually screw someone without catching feelings. It’s like a damn disease.”
I shook my head instantly, wanting to shoot him down. “Terri isn’t like that. She’s fun, naughty, and all she wants is a good time.”
The memory of our moment in the janitor’s closet filled my mind once more and a flame sparked in my stomach. Willy could think what he wanted. I knew Terri, and I was certain that she was in for the same things I was: an agreement that gave everyone what they needed. I could give her a release, and her me, then we could go our separate ways...the way it had always been.
I recalled the moment that she started working alongside me and the second I laid my eyes on her. That blonde hair, those eyes, that rack... It was all too much. It didn’t matter that I’d just come from a kinky night of fun with one of the fisherman’s daughters, I knew there and then that I had to have her, and that I would be balls deep into her by the end of the day.
I instantly turned on the charm, became everything she wanted me to be, and sure enough, by that evening, we were going at it behind the bar we’d gone to for a drink. She seemed to understand the way my mind worked and what I wanted from her, which was the absolute best thing about her.
“Don’t be so naive,” he sneered. “They are all like that. Trust me, you’ll be married within a year.”
“Oh, Willy, you’ve had your damn fingers in the fish for far too long.” I rolled my eyes at him as I spoke. “This is a new millennium; women are allowed to enjoy a healthy sex life just as much as men are!”
“We’ll see. I’ll bet you I have the last laugh with this one!”
Okay, Willy wasn't making me feel any better. Instead, he was giving me other shit to worry about – shit that I’d been fine with for a very long time. So, I stood up and made my excuses to go. I knew I should just tell him that I was off to see Terri, to shut him up a bit, but I didn’t want any more stick from him...especially when his words had already had a negative impact on me.
“Right, dude, I have to go. I’ll see you soon, okay? Let me know when you’re free.”
But even as I walked away from Willy, my mind continued to tie itself up in knots. Was he right about Terri? Would I end up with a whole bunch of complications from her? She certainly never seemed to show any emotions for me other than sexual, but could I have been missing something? I guess that for someone who spent such a long time chasing the next chick to screw, I didn’t know a lot about women, after all.
I stepped into my apartment, suddenly feeling like maybe I would have been better off spending the night alone. Maybe running away from, not facing, my problems was my biggest issue, and I should have taken the time out to work on what I was feeling. That wasn't the path I’d ever taken before, but that was probably what had gotten me into the mess in the first place.
The knock on my door was so light, I could barely hear it, but I already knew it would be her. My heart sank at the prospect of having to deal with someone who could potentially be falling in love with me – feelings I could never match. Not that there was anything wrong with Terri; she was a great girl, but she was never going to be the one for me.
I sighed deeply and went to grab another beer out of the fridge before opening the door to face her. I knew nothing had changed, but my view of our entire situation had been altered slightly by a few choice words from Willy.
But as I opened the door and she jumped on me like a sex-crazed woman, I felt the status quo return to normal. Terri really was different; she was only in it for one thing. She simply loved sex as much as I did, and she had never done anything before to make me think things were going anywhere. I was a fool to allow Willy to get under my skin; that was probably what he wanted. He was probably just scared I was going to fall for Terri and he would be left a bachelor alone.
Oh, how wrong he was. I wouldn’t be giving up the single life soon, not for anyone. It was way too much fun.
I just needed to stop worrying; everything was going to be fine.
Chapter Four
Ashlee
Thursday After Work
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
I rolled my eyes while I waited for my m
other to pick up the phone; did she always have to take so damn long to do it? It was a cell phone, for crying out loud; it should have been on her person at all times. Why did it feel like she was crossing the damn ocean every time she went to answer it?
“Hello?” she eventually said, sounding out of breath, proving my point entirely. “Ashlee, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom, just walking back from work. How are you?”
I wasn't sure why she was bothering to ask me how I was doing when she as the one who was sick, but that was typical of her. She had always been a big-hearted woman, which I loved about her, but honestly, I felt like she should have been thinking about herself for a change. “How have things been?”
“Okay... I mean, I am a little tired, but I’m not as bad as I could be.” I hated the fact that she had cervical cancer; it felt fucking horrible to even think about, but she was dealing with it so well. And if she could be strong, then so could I. I didn’t have any damn choice. “Was it your last day today?”
“It was,” I confirmed. “And, everyone threw me a little party. It was sweet, to be honest. Eileen came and got me and told me to act all surprised, but it was obvious what was going on. They’d baked me a cake and everything.”
The emotions bubbled up inside of me once more, and I found myself a little too close to tears. It was hard to say goodbye to this life; I’d worked damn hard for it and I felt bad to have to give it all up, but I had to be there for my mom. She’d helped me through so damn much in my life, and I knew that she would never ask for me to be there, but that was the reason I had to be.
I was scared. Deep inside, I was absolutely fucking terrified that something bad might become of this, and I didn’t want to regret anything. I wanted to be there, just in case this shit took a turn for the worst, and there wasn't anything that could be said to change my mind.
