by Pamela Paul
“You’re Like a Gambler”
With so many choices, Dave still has his limits. He doesn’t like bisexuality, gay porn, or bestiality, for example. Even within the types of pornography he likes, some moves are overkill. “Every once in a while there’ll be something like a clip where a guy slaps the woman’s face while she’s giving him a blow job or in the process of having sex with her,” he says. “That just kills my arousal.” Dave prefers it when the woman looks as if she’s enjoying herself in some way. He also finds it titillating to see the table turned. “I have been turned on by images of a woman subjugating a guy and lording it over him. I admit I’ve never seen images where it’s totally flipped around, where a woman is using a guy and tying him down and having sex with him and peeing on him afterward.”
He always looks at Internet pornography at home—there’s no way he would look at it at his financial firm, where Internet use is monitored assiduously. He started off looking two to three times per week, then got up to five or six times weekly. Because he’s a self-professed cheapskate and doesn’t want to pay for anything, Dave will often spend large amounts of time scrolling through images until he finds something to turn him on. “There’s a lot of flipping back and forth trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. You’ll find something good and then ‘Oh, no, he’s slapping her!’ and something that was a turn-on gets cut short. It’s a rocky road.” But the challenge, the chase, is part of the enjoyment. “There’s a fluttery feeling in your stomach because you know you’re getting away with something illicit,” he explains. “It’s like gambling, like a gambling addiction trigger; you’ll see something that’s pretty exciting and titillating and you want to find more of that, you really want more of that, you keep hunting. You want to find something like that, but even more so. You’re like a gambler, just playing one more hand until you win.”
After Dave finds what he’s looking for and gets off, he dumps his computer cache—“I guess I just don’t like to leave a trail of where I’ve been or what I was looking at”—and goes to bed. “I feel like, yeah, that was a release, but I don’t know, maybe not the best thing,” he explains. “Like eating a bag of potato chips.” Somehow you always consume too much. In Dave’s world, masturbation and computers may as well be wired together. For the past six months he hasn’t masturbated without looking at Internet porn. More than a few times, Dave has spent well over two hours at the computer, masturbating two or three times per sitting. On those occasions he feels “pretty ridiculous.”
As a result, Dave has experimented with “restricting” or “reining in” his use of online pornography. There was a time when he limited himself to weeknights only, because, as he puts it, “If I looked on weekends there was no reason to keep me from staying up until all hours with it.” Lately, he’s tried to keep himself to two times a week because he’s in a relationship. “To avoid dulling my sexual response too much,” he explains. “I’d rather save any pent-up energy and excitement for the real thing than let it all dissipate through masturbation.” Sometimes, while he’s having sex with a woman, Dave will start thinking about pornography—things he’s seen, things he’s liked, things that turn him on. He’ll conjure up the images voluntarily, to maintain and enhance his arousal. Or the images will just pop up in his head spontaneously. Dave doesn’t tell his partner what he’s thinking about.
Porn in America
Today, pornography is not only planted in people’s psyches; it’s everywhere in our culture. It’s difficult to conceive of a twelve-year-old making it through elementary school and into junior high without having seen pornography; he would likely be less than shocked by an encounter with a softcore magazine. Certainly not in the post-Paris Hilton, post-Janet Jackson era. It’s hard to imagine how, just ten years ago, Paris Hilton, the (possibly unwitting) star of her own Internet porn clip, would have survived being thrust into cyberspace and forwarded with exponential speed. But Paris’s foray into pornography pushed her further up the pecking order from B-list It Girl celebrity into one of the year’s most promising stars. Her Fox reality show reaped record ratings. She landed the cover of Elle magazine and frolicked on the cover of Maxim. FHM named her the most eligible woman in the world. She even won coveted roles in mainstream Hollywood movies and penned a bestselling autobiography. Some tongues may have wagged, and naysayers may have called her newfound success a flash in the pan. But Hilton was proof that being a porn star means being a star.
By comparison, Janet Jackson didn’t have it quite so good. During Super Bowl 2004’s halftime show, a duet by Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake infamously resulted in what was later termed a “wardrobe malfunction.” As Timberlake sang the words, “I’m gonna get you naked by the end of this song,” he tore away Jackson’s bustier and revealed her nipple, adorned with a large metallic piercing in the shape of a sunburst. Across America, viewers gaped at one another dumbfounded. “Did we just see that!?” The next day, eager to review the proceedings or take in what they’d missed, Americans went straight to the Internet. Janet Jackson’s breast quickly became the most searched-for image in online history, setting records on Yahoo!, where it accounted for nearly 20 percent of all searches.31
The fallout was immediate. A nationwide poll taken after Jackson’s unveiling found that 56 percent of Americans thought the episode was disrespectful.32 Of course, the objections were sparked not just by Jackson’s nudity. People complained about the hypocrisy of a culture that implicitly endorses such behavior. About a culture that condemns the woman while letting the man, Justin Timberlake (and the men watching happily at home), largely off the hook. About a corporate media system that prefers to reap profits than to set standards. Moreover, Jackson’s breast wasn’t merely exposed, it was forcefully revealed in a mock-violent display, yet another nod to the way pornography has redefined our sexual terrain. But while Jackson’s defenders tried to condemn the outraged as modern-day Puritans, anyone with open eyes, no matter their political stripes, can see that Janet’s flap was far from an isolated incident.
In fact, a glimpse at the surrounding culture makes the Janet Jackson episode seem startling for its controversy. What else was going on in the mainstream media that week? That very same night, Women: Stories of Passion: Grip Till It Hurts was showing on one of Showtime’s extended channels (albeit at 1 A.M. rather than prime time). Elsewhere on cable, ETV was airing Howard Stern’s program, which features explicit conversations with female porn stars. With the click of a button, pay-perview fare that night included such wholesome grist as Horny Girls Next Door and Oral Majority. Meanwhile, in the world of print, the laddie magazines—Maxim, FHM, and Stuff—all featured women in pornographic poses, only their nipples and crotches covered by lingerie, bikinis, and strategically placed hands. The famed Sports Illustrated “swimsuit issue” hit newsstands (reaching triple the number of readers for the average copy depicting fully clothed male athletes).33 And this issue featured fewer swimsuits than ever: one-fourth of the photographs depicted women who were topless or naked, though some were adorned with “body paint.” In a special offering, the fortieth-anniversary issue even included a nude “centerfold.” Now where did they get that idea? In its February 2004 issue, Playboy gloated,
Not since suburban couples lined up to see Deep Throat in 1973 has the mainstream so embraced pornography…. Adult-film queen Jenna Jameson sexed up a sanitized Times Square on a five-story billboard and graced a New York magazine cover proclaiming porn’s ubiquity. It’s been 17 years since the end of Traci Lords’s XXX career, but fans lined up for her to sign her hump-and-tell autobiography. And when starlet Mary Carey leaped into California’s 135-candidate gubernatorial race, she came in 10th. In one online survey, two-thirds of HR professionals said they had found porn on employees’ computers.34
Playboy had reason to be pleased with the revolution it started fifty years ago. Given the current acceptability of pornography in mainstream culture, those who like it can assume its use is perfectly natural, just
a way to enhance good old-fashioned masturbation. Something one would never need to worry about because normal guys—not just sex addicts, not just child-molesting perverts—look at pornography. They have wives and careers and families and reputations. They would never mistreat women or cheat on their girlfriends. For them, porn is a pleasure, porn is a hoot, porn is even healthy. Watching pornography with a partner can even be a form of sexual enhancement—the equivalent of a vibrator or The Joy of Sex.
Meanwhile, those who have never been into it, or have watched only occasionally for kicks, or haven’t seen it since giggling over a lame softcore video (the one with the stripper nurse! the one with the strawberries!) while in college, can assume that pornography has nothing to do with them. Figure that boys will be boys, pornography is harmless, and women will just never understand. If they don’t like porn, they can shut their eyes to it, delete their junk mail, unsubscribe to cable, and tune out. Live a porn-free life and assume their husbands don’t look at it, that their boyfriends look only occasionally, that their kids can be protected from pornography before puberty.
But these people would be wrong. More people look at pornography—on a regular and increasing basis—than most of them, especially women, realize. Perhaps it’s your brother, your best friend, your cousin, your boyfriend, or your son ordering pay-per-view porn every night. Perhaps it’s your colleague or your boss checking out online anal sex between meetings. Maybe there’s a reason your husband clears his Internet history after a night surfing the Web. Even fans themselves may be left in the dark. Those who consume pornography may be looking at more of it for reasons they don’t know or don’t understand. It may be affecting them in ways they aren’t even aware.
“I Was Worried”
In early 2004, Dave went to the doctor to check if he had erectile dysfunction because he had lost his erection while having sex with a new partner he was very attracted to. The doctor told him it was just a passing psychological thing. “I wanted to double-check. I was worried that seeing a lot of porn had worn down my sexual response and numbed me. That it contributed to whatever uneasiness or lack of arousal I had.
“I felt like it was getting too out of control,” Dave said in the spring of 2004. Already, he has seen a certain amount of desensitization. “I’ve definitely noticed that naked images that used to arouse me don’t anymore, so I had to move on. I found that I was getting numb to basic images. I needed to keep progressing to more explicit stuff.” At the same time, Dave found he was less aroused by real women. “But that could just be that I’m getting older.”
For most of his adult life Dave has had a hard time achieving orgasm during sex. While he would come quickly during masturbation, it would take at least half an hour during intercourse. “Frankly, we usually wrap it up by me taking things into my own hands, just masturbating to end things. But that has nothing to do with porn. It’s been like that since I was twenty. I think it’s because I’ve been masturbating since I was five years old.” Nonetheless, Dave feels he risks becoming compulsive. “I can easily see how I could become addicted to porn, if I didn’t exert some control. Because there’s a certain rush that you get. And I find myself thinking, I could get that rush again if I go on just a bit longer, if I can find more of the same thing. I’ve noticed that I can just mentally tune everything else out while doing it.”
Thus, the “restrictions.” He’s decided to hold himself back and “nip this thing in the bud.” It’s been three or four months since Dave decided to cut back and he’s “more or less” stuck to his plan. Oh, sure, sometimes he ends up looking on the weekends, after already having his twice-a-week fill. When he does allow himself to look at pornography he tends to binge, and to look a lot longer than he used to. Since cutting back, he hasn’t noticed a dramatic increase in his sex drive. But he feels a bit more in control. He’s gaining a better sense of balance, moderation, variety. He hopes over time he may notice a change in his sex life, unless it’s just a sign that, at thirty-four, his libido is winding down. In the meantime he’s strengthening his resolve and working it out on his own. It’s just a question of mind over matter, a challenge of self-control. Dave hasn’t mentioned his cutback plan to his girlfriend, or, in fact, to anybody. Dave doesn’t even like to think about it.
3
Me and My Porn:
How Pornography Affects Men
Pornography, some say, has no effect on those who use it. According to the “neutralists,” which include sex therapists and male writers on sexuality, people who dismiss the media and its impact, and others not particularly aware of pornography’s contemporary parameters, porn is just a form of entertainment, neither positive nor negative, and ultimately inconsequential. Pornography, they claim with a shrug, is mere fantasy. It helps men masturbate, sure, but it’s men who are doing the masturbating, not pornography making them do so. Once that’s done, they can file it away under the bed and move on.
But to argue that pornography has no effect on the people who consume it would be like arguing that the multibillion-dollar advertising business is all for naught, that people aren’t influenced by what they see, read, or hear, and that all media are inconsequential. To argue that pornography has no effect would make it kind of pointless. After all, pornography is explicitly created with the intention not only to entertain but to enhance sexual experience. Even fans contradict such assertions. They look because it feels good; sometimes it relaxes and other times it excites, and sometimes it accomplishes both in fine form. Pornography makes them feel better about themselves; it’s a pick-me-up or a sustaining force in an otherwise dry or unsatisfactory sexual landscape. As with advertising, responses to pornography may not always be rational, but they are nonetheless extraordinarily powerful.
Others argue that pornography is far from neutral: it’s good for you. Proponents—industry insiders, pro-porn feminists, certain sex and couples therapists, legal defenders of the industry, sex scribes—assign an array of benefits to pornography: It helps people overcome sexual inhibitions, particularly sex-related guilt, enhances insufficient libido, and teaches a wider repertoire of sexual activities, which then leads to greater sexual fulfillment.1 Pornography makes people more comfortable with their own sexuality. It lifts the veil of religious repression and ideologically induced guilt. It helps people work up a sexual appetite and teaches them to sate it once they’re in the mood. Sex therapists sometimes suggest to their clients that they look at pornography together. Adding some spice could be the kick tired couples need.
Common sense might lead one to imagine that pornography promotes positive sexuality, but this just isn’t the case. To date, according to two University of Alabama researchers, professor of communications Jennings Bryant and professor of psychology Dolf Zillmann, authors of several groundbreaking studies on pornography, “no rigorous research demonstrations of desirable effects can be reported and beneficial effects of pornography consumption remain a matter of contention and conjecture.”2 Indeed, social science has had a difficult time scientifically proving that pornography affects men either positively or negatively; that old saw “causation” makes it difficult to prove definitively whether a particular kind of man is likely to use pornography, or whether pornography turns someone into a particular kind of man. Though scientific proof remains out of reach, men who use pornography attribute to it a broad array of effects. They’ve seen what it can do.
The first time Rajiv saw naked women was in porn, the first time he saw people having sex was in porn, the first time he masturbated—a “late bloomer” at age sixteen—was while looking at pornography. “The visual aspect of porn has definitely had an impact on my sexual development,” says the twenty-eight-year-old New Yorker. “All of my first sexual experiences were with pornographic movies.”
That’s the only action he could get for a long time. Rajiv was a shy and dorky kid. He didn’t date much in high school, and at college, a prestigious East Coast university, he didn’t meet his first girlfriend or lose
his virginity until his junior year, when he was twenty-one. During the sexless years of high school, he would watch movies like Emmanuelle on Saturday nights, starting at the age of twelve or thirteen. In high school, his best friends discovered a porn video called Very Dirty Dancing, and Rajiv made a copy, which he would masturbate to when alone. At college, however, he lived porn-free. He didn’t have a TV or VCR. It never occurred to him to look for pornography on his laptop. And going out to buy magazines seemed pointless; after his early exposure to movies in high school, photographs were a pale substitute. “Print is so much less immersive and real,” he explains. “What’s the point?”
Besides, Rajiv was happy with his college girlfriend. Well past his dork years, he had grown to be a slim, thoughtful-looking man, with large expressive eyes and the dark coloring of his half-South Asian heritage. He had no trouble attracting women, and his girlfriend seemed to appreciate him. Rajiv didn’t even masturbate much while they were dating. There was no need. Once in a while they would watch a porn movie together—when traveling, ordering it in their hotel room for kicks. It was more for him than for her, but she didn’t seem to mind. Pornography was no big deal, never even a topic of conversation. And he didn’t look at it when his girlfriend wasn’t around. The couple stayed together for nearly five years.
It wasn’t until after their breakup that Rajiv picked up pornography again. This was back in January 2002. One night, almost as a lark, he decided to subscribe to the Playboy Channel. Mostly, it was “silly softcore stuff,” though occasionally they carried the more explicit movies that Rajiv enjoyed. But after a while he grew bored and canceled the service. In any case, paying was no longer necessary. Rajiv had collected in his head enough scenes and images that he could summon them on demand. Some of those images had been there since high school, dating back to Very Dirty Dancing, but Rajiv now had more to choose from. There was, for example, the movie where a busty blonde who still lives at home with her parents is caught having sex with some guy. Her parents are concerned because they think she’s too young. They bring the girl to a doctor, who, finding her attractive, asks her to undress. While he’s examining her, she starts to moan. It’s clear she wants to have sex with him. So the doctor says, “I’m going to try this novel treatment on you.” She says, “Please do,” and they have sex.
