by Pamela Paul
Nowadays, Valerie would prefer to be with a man who isn’t into pornography. “I don’t know any man who is into porn who has been able to be truly intimate,” she says. If she could be a “fascist dictator,” she’d make 95 percent of male-oriented pornography illegal to move both sexes toward using erotica. “It sounds so girlie,” she says. “But I think that when there are stories and characters involved, it humanizes it.”
When men view pornography, they absorb messages about what it means for a woman to be sexy. Not only does pornography dictate how women are supposed to look, but it skews their expectations of how they should act. Men absorb those ideals, but women internalize them as well. According to the Pornified/Harris poll, most women (six out of ten) believe pornography affects how men expect them to look and behave. In fact, only 15 percent of women believe pornography does not raise men’s expectations of women.
Even Molly, the feminist pornographer, finds a disconcerting link between her job selling fantasy and the reality of her love life. On the dating scene, she encounters men who practically salivate when she tells them about her profession. “It’s a huge thing with guys in a lascivious way,” she explains. “Once I tell a man what I do, it weeds out the idiots. The skeevy guys are almost undressing me immediately.” Because she is voluptuous and doesn’t dress “conservatively,” she says, their misperceptions grow “out of proportion.”
Men on Women and Porn
And what do men make of women’s feelings toward pornography—pro or con? Thomas, the single, thirty-four-year-old tech support worker from Seattle, says that in his experience, about half of women like pornography and the other half are offended. “There’s nothing like a girl who goes through your pornographic video collection and pops one in,” he says dreamily. “It means they’re sex positive. It shows they’re interested in sex in general and there’s a higher percent chance they’ll have sex with you.” As opposed to women who don’t like pornography. Affixed to the walls in Thomas’s house are posters of women, mostly models. One girlfriend greeted a poster of Sports Illustrated model Kathy Smith on his wall with a look of revulsion. “I can’t understand that attitude,” he says, exasperated. “I mean, this was a fitness model, and she was in a one-piece swimsuit. But this woman just did not like the ‘idea’ of me having that poster.” A woman who would be offended by a poster like that wasn’t a good match for him, he decided. “She would be too controlling and demanding, and that’s not sexy.”
As far as Thomas can tell, a woman who doesn’t like pornography is either prudish or judgmental. Or she thinks of sex in a very limited arena—only within a relationship or a marriage. “I can’t imagine why a woman wouldn’t like pornography, but I guess that’s because I’m not a woman,” he notes. If he were ever in love with someone who was opposed to pornography—not that he thinks that would happen—he would have to discuss it before getting too committed to the relationship. “I would tell her that it sounds like she has some jealousy issues,” he says. “I would want to get to the bottom of why she hates porn so much and why she would feel hurt if I looked at it.” He laughs. “Who knows? She might convince me to give it up. I’ve done stupider things.”
In an ideal world, the right woman—the woman he would marry—would make pornography unnecessary. “I’ve had the feeling before,” he says. “She was all I thought about night and day.” With that relationship, he went so far as to throw out all his pornography—not at her request, but because he wanted to. (Ultimately, the woman left Thomas for someone else.) That was the only time Thomas gave up pornography altogether, though when he is in a good relationship his use drops dramatically—from a couple of times a day to a couple of times a month. Not that pornography has been an issue every time he’s dated a woman; he doesn’t exactly bring it up: “I always want to make a good impression, so I’m not going to say something that makes me sound like an ass or a pervert. It’s hard to know how a woman will react, so you have to be careful.”
Men tend to be of two polarized schools when it comes to women and pornography. They either like their women to be interested in pornography or they don’t want their women to have any part of it. Many try to draw a distinct boundary between the women in pornography and the women in real life. A Manhattan woman writes to the advice columnist of New York magazine: “I’m a straight woman in my twenties and ever since the first few intense weeks, my boyfriend of eight months has been more distant than I would like during sex (he closes his eyes or watches porn, for instance, and doesn’t initiate things as much as I do). When questioned, he said that I’m ‘so beautiful and smart’ that he has trouble seeing me ‘like that.’ It wouldn’t bother him at all that our sex life had faded if it weren’t for my complaining…. I can’t help feeling lousy and rejected.”29
Most men tell women their consumption of pornography is natural and normal. The implication is that if a woman doesn’t like it, she is controlling, insecure, uptight, petty, or a combination thereof. The woman is demanding. She is unreasonable. He has to give up something he’s cherished since boyhood. She’s not supportive. She blows everything out of proportion. “Men look at porn,” wrote an angry male to Dear Abby successor Ask Amy, in response to her suggestion that a woman confront her fiance about his propensity to e-mail nude photos of women to his friends:
They always have and they always will. For women to demand that their husbands or boyfriends give it up is unreasonable and unrealistic…. [This woman’s] fiance looks at nudie pictures with his buddies. He’s most likely done this since one of his junior high friends sneaked a copy of his dad’s Playboy into the locker room in 7th grade…. If she lets a small thing like this ruin what sounds like an otherwise loving relationship, then she doesn’t deserve him anyway. And I think it stinks that you agreed with her insecurities.30
While many men hope their partner approves or remains agnostic about their own use, they can be outright intimidated by or disapproving of women who use pornography themselves. The 2004 Elle-MSNBC.com poll found that six in ten men were concerned about their partners’ use of pornography Web sites. One in four said they found such material demeaning to women and online sexual content sleazy. A man usually doesn’t want his porn star to be his wife nor his wife to be a pornography devotee; if she’s going to look, she should only do so in his presence, when they share it as a couple. No matter what women think, most men still see pornography as “a guy thing.” One woman, twenty-two, tells a story to “Cosmo Confessions” about her boyfriend’s discomfort with her intrusion into his porn world. “Once a month, my boyfriend has a guy’s night out with his buddies. Normally, they shoot pool or go to a ball game. But last month, I overheard him making plans to go to a strip club. It really upset me that he didn’t bother asking how I felt about his sticking dollar bills in other women’s G-strings. Instead of confronting him, I did some investigating and found out that the night he was planning to go to the club happened to be amateur night, which meant that any girl could get on stage and dance. So I called a few girlfriends, and we headed to the club. After a few drinks, I surprised my guy as one of the novice strippers. He was so shocked that he just froze—until I started undressing. Then he jumped up on the stage and begged me to come down, promising me he’d never go to a nudie bar again.”31
Denise, the owner of the two Seymour Butts films courtesy of her ex-boyfriend, was surprised by a recent incident with her current beau. Two years ago, she had gone to a strip club with a group of friends and loved it. “The women were gorgeous,” she says. “The whole idea was titillating—seeing these men get so turned on. It was very voyeuristic.” Eager to return, she asked her current boyfriend to join her. “Why would I want to go watch these women who are all fake when I can have the real thing?” he asked. Denise was taken aback. On the one hand, she was embarrassed that she had been so gung ho to take him to a strip joint. On the other hand, she was pleasantly surprised. “I guess I had this assumption that all guys want to go to strip clubs and having their g
irlfriends take them there would be a turn-on,” she explains. “But it was nice that he just wanted to be with me, and look at me rather than look at other women. That made me feel good.”
5
You and Me and Pornography:
How Porn Affects Relationships
It wasn’t until four years into their relationship, after Kara, a thirty-year-old physician, and her writer boyfriend Rob moved in together, that she realized Rob went online every day for pornography. She knew he liked porn and seemed preoccupied by it, making frequent jokes on the subject, but she had no idea of the extent of his viewing. Still, she didn’t think it was a major issue. “I’m very open-minded,” she says. “I’ve done a lot of experimenting. I think I’ve been with more men than he’s been with women.” She wants to be clear: “I’m definitely not a prude.”
So Kara suggested they watch together. She and Rob rented a video one night, but it didn’t turn Kara on at all. “Of course, the men weren’t attractive. And the women were all fake, made-up, overly accessorized,” she recalls. “There was no intimacy, nothing sensual about it.” The tenor of the flick, in fact, resembled their sex life. “Even when he and I were intimate, the sex wasn’t intimate. We were two people just sort of taking care of ourselves with each other.” Moreover, Rob didn’t seem to have much interest in her. “He never told me I was sexy and beautiful,” she says. “I don’t look anything like a porn star. I’m athletic and slight, not voluptuous in the least.”
Rob was picky about the way women looked. He would tell Kara she wasn’t getting waxed often enough, and asked her to get the full-on Brazilian wax with centerfold-style “landing strip.” “God forbid I ever had a hair on my nipple,” she recalls with a laugh. Rob didn’t think Kara dressed sexily enough, either. “But if I did put on something sexy, he’d make fun of me. He would say, ‘Ooh, those are sexy pants. I don’t know if you can get away with those!’” While Rob seemed to like ultrafeminity from afar, if it were staring him in the face in reality, he would run the other way. She thought perhaps he was afraid of the fact that she had more sexual experience than he did, and was generally more comfortable with her sexuality.
Their relationship began to founder for a number of reasons, and they entered couples therapy. Kara thought Rob used pornography as a way to get himself off without having to deal with a woman’s vulnerabilities or confront his own insecurities and fears. He wanted no strings attached, no responsibility, no risk. “I think he was intimidated by real-life sexuality and porn was a safe fantasy for him,” Kara says. “In retrospect, I don’t think he really liked women.” At one point, she recalls, they had a huge fight over whether getting a lap dance was cheating. “I said it’s cheating because the woman is touching you,” Kara explains, “but Rob didn’t think so.”
Last year, Kara and Rob broke up. “Now if I found out a guy I was dating looked at pornography, honestly, it would set off alarm bells,” she says. “That makes me sound so Dr. Laura, but it’s true!” Luckily, her new boyfriend, a musician, doesn’t look at pornography. Kara asked him outright and he was open with her. “He thinks porn is silly, a waste of time, not a turn-on. It was a huge relief.” Moreover, he considers a lap dance cheating, no question. “And it’s not like he’s Mr. Conservative or anything,” Kara says. “He’s probably been with more women than I want to know. Maybe it’s just that he’s more confident and doesn’t have something to prove.”
Me and Your Fantasy
Monogamy isn’t always easy, and each individual brings his or her own desires and fantasies to their sex life as a couple. Indeed, those fantasies can help maintain and enhance a relationship. Nor is it an acceptable alternative to eradicate such fantasies. Is it not his right—and hers as well—to have private fantasies? One partner cannot control what goes on in the other’s mind; at some point, one person ends and the other begins.
So what’s wrong with fantasizing, assuming one can keep fantasy separate from reality? Eliot, a twenty-eight-year-old musician from New York, would say, “Not a thing.” Eliot doesn’t look at pornography. Sure, he’s seen it, and he can’t deny that a lot of it is arousing, but he prefers to let his fantasies fly free-form. “For the most part, I connect best with people I’ve had some kind of contact with,” he explains. “Whether it’s a girlfriend or a woman I just met at a party.” Eliot has been dating Sophia for six years, and living with her for five. Sophia, who like Eliot considers herself a feminist, is strongly opposed to pornography. Having grown up with a father who not only consumed pornography, but was unfaithful and left her family when she was young, Sophia may have been predisposed to dislike it. Plus, according to Eliot, Sophia isn’t a very sexual person; she’s too cerebral to completely let loose. They don’t have sex as much as he would like; it’s a frequent topic of discussion. But he has no intention of breaking up with her; he wants to do what it takes to make it work. For him, fantasy fills that empty space.
Eliot has always masturbated about once a day, whether he has a girlfriend or not. “As a man, you just get this urge to get it out of you several times a day,” he explains. “I don’t think you can be sated by being in a relationship.” He fantasizes about Sophia only a fragment of the time he’s masturbating; plenty of other women flit in and out of his mind. “I’m sure if she knew that, she could intellectualize it,” Eliot explains. “But I think that she would still find it emotionally disturbing and scary. I bet she would wonder if I would be willing to go off and act out those fantasies anytime.” Eliot sees no cause for worry. His father confided to him that after nearly forty years of marriage, he’s never been unfaithful, yet to this day, he fantasizes about other women of all ages, whether it’s an actress or one of his friends’ wives. “Fantasizing about other people helps with fidelity,” Eliot says. “I think so-called impure thoughts are actually important. It helps to engage in fantasy so as not to do these things in real life.”
In its myriad forms, fantasy is often a component of matrimony. Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson Clinic, notes that married couples are contemplating sex with the same person for forty or fifty years. “Naturally people think, ‘Why not add a little salt and pepper?’” he says. “I don’t think fantasy is necessarily dangerous. There’s nothing wrong if it enhances a man’s relationship with his wife. But with pornography, what happens too often is that the man starts making love to a picture rather than to his partner.” There’s a distinction between free-flow fantasy and porn-induced fantasy. While both often involve “other” women, fantasy is an individual’s prerogative; pornography is an industry prescriptive. Fantasy is all in the mind; pornography is in print, on video, and online. Fantasy inspires a man to seek out and understand his desires; pornography lets others decide for him. Fantasy is open-ended; pornography designates a beginning, middle, and end. Fantasy is private; pornography is mediated. Fantasy is natural; pornography is artificial and commercialized. Pornography also comes across differently to women than it does to men. “Tell me your fantasies” typically reads as appropriate pillow talk, whereas “Hey baby, check out my favorite porn site” does not.
Many men argue that the women in pornography aren’t “real” to them, but that may not comfort a wife whose husband regularly masturbates to schoolgirl images or enjoys watching women receive double penetration coupled by slaps on the rear. Women are significantly more likely than men to say pornography harms relationships (47 percent versus 33 percent).1 Fewer than one-fourth of women see no harm to relationships resulting from porn, according to the Pornified/Harris poll. For a man to say, “Don’t worry, you’re different from the girls in porn; you’re my wife,” is hardly reassuring.
Most porn-centric fantasies are far from matrimony-oriented. In the study conducted by Zillmann and Bryant, where a group of adults were exposed to heavy sessions of pornography viewing for a six-week period, 60 percent of those who viewed no pornography during the experiment endorsed marriage as “an important institution”; only 39 percent of those who
viewed “massive” amounts of pornography agreed. This shouldn’t be a surprise: loving wives and faithful husbands rarely feature in a porno. Pornography is the fantasy of permanent and unfettered bachelorhood; married characters who do appear are pursuing sexual adventures on the side. In pornography, partnered life hampers sexual pleasure.
Yet, despite appearances, pornography isn’t precisely a solo activity either. As interviews with men and women attest, porn plays into how people approach and function in relationships. Whether a couple watches together, or one or both partners uses it alone, pornography has a significant role not only in sex but in a couple’s sense of trust, security, and fidelity. As Mark Schwartz says, “Pornography is having a dramatic effect on relationships at many different levels and in many different ways—and nobody outside the sexual behavior field and the psychiatric community is talking about it.”
Porn Together
When people do discuss the role of pornography in relationships, they assume it’s a plus, particularly given the dominant media messages affirming men’s involvement with pornography, encouraging women to try pornography themselves, and urging couples to use it together. A March 2004 Today Show segment shows just how acceptable pornography has grown:
Katie Couric: We’re back with more of our special Today’s Woman series and answers to your e-mail questions…. Let’s go to JW. “My husband likes to look at pornography and it makes me feel inadequate later when we’re in bed. How can I compete with this?”
Dr. Gail Saltz: This is also a very common scenario…. [Y]ou need to talk to your husband and tell him how it makes you feel. Now, it could be that he would curb it somewhat, but hopefully, what he would do is actually say to you, “But this is what I love about your body.”… [I]f he really likes that kind of more in-your-face sort of sexuality and you’re comfortable with it, you too can put on sexy underwear, you know, do a little striptease.
