by Raine, Alice
‘Whatever you want to say you can say in front of Rebecca,’ Nicholas replied in a cool tone, eyeing me with a look of suspicion that I didn’t understand at all.
‘Not you, Nicholas, I want to speak to Rebecca,’ I said calmly. ‘In private.’ I added, turning myself towards her again but keeping my eyes averted. I couldn’t help myself, I almost chuckled when she took a step back in surprise. I wasn’t completely stupid, I’d noticed her hostility towards me at dinner last night, I’d assumed it was due to her lack of understanding over my relationship with Stella, but seeing this reaction today perhaps it was more like a fear of me. Whatever it was she needed to get over it because I wanted her advice and I would damn well get it before I left here today.
Nicholas strode over the kitchen and slung an arm around Rebecca, still eyeing me dubiously. Ah, so that was what his look meant! A grin wanted to break on my lips, but I suppressed it – if he thought I was trying to steal his girl he couldn’t be more wrong. Leaning down, he dropped an overly possessive kiss on Rebecca’s lips and then headed back to the coffee maker, ‘Five minutes,’ he said to me firmly. ‘Then I’m coming in,’ he promised as he turned back to the coffee.
Five minutes should be plenty of time to say what I needed to – it wasn’t like I was the world’s greatest talker when it came to emotional shit. Turning abruptly I headed for the downstairs lounge where I immediately set about pacing in front of the fire place. Damn it, now I was here with Rebecca I didn’t even know where to start.
A huffed, anxious breath escaped my lips before I began. ‘You can’t tell Nicholas about this,’ I warned in a low tone that instantly made Rebecca begin to back away from me again. Fuck it, terrifying the woman wasn’t going to get me the help I wanted, I needed to seriously chill the fuck out. Perhaps if I softened my voice that would put her at ease? Keeping my eyes averted I stepped closer, reigned in my voice to a whisper and started at the only logical place, the beginning.
‘Nicholas has told you about our past?’ I questioned urgently, God I hope so because that was one shit storm of details I didn’t want to be getting into right now, talking about my childhood last night with Stella was more than enough reminiscing for me right now.
‘Um, yes,’ she responded, looking thoroughly confused and a tiny bit petrified.
‘Nicholas had it a lot worse than me as a kid. Dad used to hit me too, but I always thought he was trying to make me better, punishing me so I could learn, you know what I mean?’ I asked, thinking back to my childhood and how I’d been sure that Dad had been doing what he thought was best for me. Doing it because he loved me. Something solid and uncomfortable seemed to stick in my throat as I thought about how desperate I’d been for my father to love me and be proud of me, wincing, it took me several large swallows for me to clear it.
It was only when Nicholas began getting the same treatment with the belt that I had begun to doubt things really, but I’d never understood if it had actually been wrong, or if perhaps Nicholas just hadn’t been able to see the positives of the punishments and cope with it like me.
‘Uhh, I suppose so.’ Rebecca replied hesitantly and I immediately knew she didn’t understand. No-one would. Only I knew how it had felt, like a singular, all powerful way of gaining my father’s acceptance.
‘My parents never expressed their love for one another. All I saw was my father’s dominance over the household, his unyielding strength – they were united in some strange way but never affectionate.’ My voice was clipped as I thought about my childhood in that small, sterile, stifling house of ours, but there were certain things she needed to understand before I asked for her advice. ‘Never loving,’ I finished with a frown and a shake of my head as images of my father and last night’s dream clouded my head again.
‘OK …’ Rebecca said softly. ‘Where do I fit in to this, Nathan, what did you want to talk to me about?’
There was no point skirting the issue any more, I may as well get straight to the point now, just like I would in a business meeting. ‘I want what you have,’ I stated calmly and simply.
Watching carefully I saw Rebecca’s eyes widen in surprise and then confusion. Clearly she didn’t understand me so I elaborated as best as I could. ‘I want to be like you and Nicholas. I can see he’s happy, genuinely happy with you, Rebecca, and you with him. When you sat together last night I could literally see the love passing between you, it was amazing. I’ve never witnessed that before. I’m not sure I’m capable … but I want it.’ My eyes uncharacteristically flicked to hers and she boldly held my gaze as she processed my words.
‘With Stella?’ she enquired, the astonishment clear in her voice, which was a fairly natural response given who she was talking about I suppose. To be honest I was pretty fucking astonished to be expressing this shit too.
I choked out a half bark, half laugh at her last question. Of course with Stella! Who the fuck else would I be talking about? But I didn’t say that out loud, thankfully I suppressed my outrage and answered calmly, ‘Yes. But I … I don’t know how,’ I confessed, feeling suddenly vulnerable and wholly uncomfortable. This was the difficult part, I wasn’t in control anymore and that terrified me.
‘Tell her.’ Rebecca said simply, with a shrug as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
‘No.’ I shook my head defiantly, my words growling from my throat again, ‘Words mean nothing very little to me. As a child, my mother would always say she loved us, but then when Nicholas was hurt it was always me cleaning his injuries,’ I winced briefly as I thought back to that awful day when I’d found Nicholas bleeding out. His pale blue bedroom carpet had been almost black with blood around his naked body. A bone jarring shudder shook my entire body, tensing my muscles and leaving me with an uncomfortable ache along my spine.
‘I need to show Stella that I want to be with her, what do I do?’ I demanded softly.
Pausing as she considered my question I watched Rebecca roll her lips between her teeth as she thought, just as Stella often did. ‘Well, if I were you I’d start by ripping up any ‘submissive’ contract you have with her.’ My eyebrows rose at her mention of a contract, clearly Nicholas had told her more about my relationship with Stella than I’d expected. ‘Take her out for a meal in public together, buy her flowers, hold her hand, kiss her, make her feel special, make her feel like an equal.’ She reeled off a list of things that I’d never done before with anyone and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into a terrifying well of uncharted territory. Holding hands? Flowers? Fuck.
An image of my brother from last night sprung to my mind, ‘Touch her like you and Nicholas last night?’ I asked, remembering how he’d held her hand at dinner and in return she’d kissed his knuckles. ‘When he held your hand and you kissed him?’ God, I felt so fucking clueless, but my embarrassment about talking to Rebecca had gone now, replaced by my desperate need to learn what I needed from her.
‘Yes, exactly like that,’ she agreed with an encouraging nod and a smile. Perhaps I was winning Rebecca around at last.
Chewing on my lip I asked a question that had been going round and round my head since I’d laid down and cradled Stella to sleep last night. ‘Do you think she likes me?’ I was well aware just how open that question left me, not to mention how juvenile I sounded.
Rebecca paused for a second narrowing her eyes before rolling her shoulders and answering, ‘Well, obviously I’ve only met Stella once, but yes, I think she likes you, Nathan, in fact she told me she wants to be with you,’ she confirmed, ‘and when she looked at you her eyes lit up, that’s always a good sign.’
Eyes lit up? What the fuck was she, the Blackpool Illuminations? My back straightened at this bizarre news and I stepped closer to Rebecca to demand more details. ‘Her eyes lit up, explain what you mean?’ I mumbled, confused by the idea of such a concept. Rebecca shifted uncomfortably and I realised that by invading her personal space I’d made her feel intimidated again without even meaning too. God, I really was a heav
y handed jerk, wasn’t I? I seriously needed to lighten up if I wanted to make a go of things with Stella, I couldn’t have her scared of me too. In fact the thought that Stella could be scared of me was enough to turn my stomach.
‘People can smile but you know it’s real if it reaches their eyes. When Stella smiled at you it reached her eyes.’ Rebecca explained simply. Reached Stella’s eyes? My nostrils flared as I huffed out an impatient breath. I really was no clearer on what Rebecca was talking about, but apparently my confusion was obvious because Rebecca let out a sigh and then gave me a sympathetic look which I didn’t care for too much.
‘OK, watch me smile,’ she instructed patiently. So I did, skimming my gaze all over her face. Her lips had curved upwards but that was about all I could observe as different from before.
‘Now watch again and see if you can see a difference,’ she told me. There was a pause where she did nothing, but then suddenly Rebecca’s whole face shifted in one smooth motion. Her lips curved upwards again, but this time her eyes changed, crinkling at the corners and warming somehow. I could tell a liar in my business boardroom from a mile off, but bloody hell, how had I never been aware of this stuff before?
My eyebrows had risen significantly, ‘I see it …’ cocking my head to further examine her, I had a huge urge to reach out and touch what she was feeling, but thank fuck some of my sense remained and I managed to keep my hands at my sides before I made a complete prat out myself. ‘Your cheeks have flushed and your eyes are … twinkling.’ I muttered disbelievingly. ‘When did Stella look like this?’
‘As soon as you told her eye contact was permitted,’ she shrugged, and I tried to cast my mind back to last night, we’d been sat on the sofa … yeah, actually now I think of it, something had felt different about that moment with Stella, significant somehow. ‘… and at the dinner table when you whispered something to her she had looked genuinely thrilled.’
It was rare for me to blush, but I did now as I remembered the moment Rebecca was referring to, I’d reached under the table and stroked Stella’s upper thigh as I spoke to her and it had made me get an instant hard-on that had lasted for the remainder of the bloody meal. Talk about inconvenient.
‘Can I ask what you said to her?’ Rebecca blurted out rather tactlessly, making me frown.
I wasn’t massively keen to share my secrets, but seeing as Rebecca was doing her best to assist me with my questions I should probably try and loosen up a bit. I looked away and cleared my throat several times before answering, ‘She doesn’t usually socialise with me if I have company, but I was intrigued by your relationship with Nicholas and wanted her to see it too. That was the first time she’s joined me for dinner with guests so I said she was doing very well.’ I admitted pausing awkwardly, ‘and I told her … I told her she looked very beautiful.’ I missed out the part about the raging hard-on – Rebecca didn’t need to know that much detail.
Suddenly grinning at me, Rebecca practically danced on the spot with apparent glee. ‘Do more things like that, she’ll love it,’ she encouraged me enthusiastically, stepping forwards and patting my arm reassuringly. ‘Don’t be afraid to tell her what’s in your head,’ she advised, and I immediately cringed at her words. There was no way I was telling Stella some of my dark, perverted thoughts about her and the many things I wanted to do to her lush little body.
Just then Nicholas opened the door and disturbed us. I disliked eye contact, but always made an exception where my little brother was concerned and I immediately caught how his eyes instantly hardened as they settled on where Rebecca was touching me. Smirking I felt slightly reassured by the fact that jealousy was obviously a Jackson family trait and then shifted myself to hopefully alleviate his concern.
Nodding briskly to Rebecca I turned for the door determined to head home to Stella and try out some of Rebecca’s advice. ‘I will, thanks Rebecca. I gotta go.’
Just before I reached the door I heard Rebecca gasp and then call out to me, ‘The good stuff, Nathan, only tell her the good stuff!’ she cried, and I couldn’t help but grin at just how well she’d read my very own thoughts about my depraved mind.
Chapter Nine - Nathan
The whole journey home I’d debated what to say to Stella – how to broach the subject of our relationship, or what I should do first, but even with nearly twenty five minutes thinking time in the car I was still undecided as I reached my apartment block and entered the underground parking garage. Exiting my car I beeped the lock on my Audi and then strode towards the lift, anxiously chewing on the inside of my lower lip. The silver doors opened immediately, giving me no extension on my thinking time, then after typing in the code for the penthouse I leant back against the mirrored wall and continued my pondering.
Thinking back to Rebecca’s advice I narrowed my eyes as I considered my choices with regards to how to approach Stella. Kiss her – well that wouldn’t be an issue, I loved kissing Stella. I could get right on that one straight away. Hold her hand – it wasn’t something I did frequently, but it would be easy enough, too. Make her feel special. I smirked, I was pretty confident that I already did that in the bedroom, but somehow I didn’t think that was what Rebecca had been referring to. As perplexing as the idea seemed, I was going to have to work on what I could do to make her feel special other than through sex, but I really had no idea where to start.
By-passing that for now I considered the other things Rebecca suggested. Treat her like an equal. I did that already, didn’t I? But my teeth clenched hard as I thought more about it – seeing as she was my contracted submissive Stella probably didn’t view our relationship as particularly equal at all, I realised with a scowl.
Jeez, this was so much harder than I thought it’d be. There was so much to consider it was starting to make me feel rather inadequate, not a feeling I liked one bit, so I instead concentrated on what I could do. Take her out for a meal in public together, we often ate together at my apartment so it would be easy enough to upgrade that experience to a restaurant I suppose, but as it was only 9.30 in the morning it would have to wait. Buy her flowers, fuck no, my nose wrinkled at the thought, I might want to change the direction of my relationship with Stella but I wasn’t a fucking wimp.
A grimace creased my brow in my mirrored reflection of the lift doors and I shuffled on my feet in agitation. Perhaps this was my whole bloody problem: like the selfish pig I was I had been thinking about myself again, not Stella. If I wanted to make a go of things with Stella I would have to start thinking about her feelings for a change, instead of being selfish and ignorant like usual. Would she like it if I bought her flowers? Fuck yeah, she would probably love it, wouldn’t she? Slamming my hand on the button panel I reversed the direction of the lift with a scowl and decided to make a quick trip to the flower stand on the corner of the street.
How was it that I could stand in front of a room full of businessmen and not give a damn what one of them thought about me, but the idea of seeing Stella again after being so vulnerable in front of her last night had me completely terrified and practically shaking all over? My shower confessions had probably been my biggest moment of weakness in my entire life, spewing my entire pitiful history in one go like a pathetic little wimp. Fuck. And for some reason I chose to do this in front of the woman I now wanted to extend my relationship with? God, I was such a loser. What would she think of me after my confessions? Would she think any less of me? Christ, if I was any more nervous I think I would actually throw up.
Clutching the stupid bouquet of flowers that I’d bought for Stella, supposedly the best in the shop – and they’d better have been for the extortionate price I paid – I finally plucked up the courage to enter my own apartment and face her.
Stella
The metallic sound of a key in the apartment door jolted me from my troubled thoughts and almost caused me to drop the coffee mug in my hand. After waking to Nathan’s warm but empty pillow I had been feeling quietly hopeful that maybe we’d turned a bit of a corn
er last night, that perhaps I wasn’t the only one developing feelings beyond the stupid contract we’d agreed on weeks ago. But then when I got up and discovered him gone from the apartment the doubts started to settle in thick and fast – his absence couldn’t have indicated anything good so he probably did regret last night as I’d first feared.
It was Sunday so technically one of our days together, but with Nathan gone I hadn’t known whether to stay or go, and as such had pretty much spent the last half an hour standing and staring at the coffee maker, deep in thought wondering if I should cut and run whilst the going was good or stick around. Now it was too late because behind me I could hear the door opening and Nathan’s footsteps entering the apartment and heading straight for the kitchen. Taking a deep breath I turned to face the music.
Out of all the sights I might have imagined coming through the door on Nathan’s return though, it certainly wasn’t this. Nathaniel Jackson, casually dressed in a white T-shirt and jeans, looking rather rueful and carrying the most enormous bunch of flowers I think I have ever seen. Bloody hell, it was like he had half of Chelsea Flower Show in his arms. They were stunning; sunflowers, yellow roses, irises, jasmine branches … blimey, I was stunned into complete silence as I stood blinking and gaping at him like an idiot.
‘Um … these are for you,’ Nathan murmured awkwardly, sounding embarrassed and unsure if I’d actually want them. For me? My shock grew again, and by this point I was pretty sure my mouth was hanging open in surprise rather unattractively.
‘Do you like them?’ He sounded affronted that I hadn’t said anything yet, so I made an effort to quickly snap my mouth closed and nod. Almost immediately I winced as I remembered how much nodding pissed him off, so frantically forced my tongue to moisten my lips so I could put my mouth into action. ‘I love them, Nathan. They’re beautiful.’ My voice was all girly and whimsical and soppy-sounding, but I couldn’t help it, this was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me ever, let alone non-romantic, dominate-you-in-the-bedroom Nathan.
