Closing the door behind Olivia as she leaves, I turn around and there facing me is the crib set that was once Callum’s and is now Noah’s to use. This is my world now. While most eighteen year olds are just starting out in life, I feel like I am exhausted. I am tired of the pain, the struggles, and the heartbreak. Looking out across the room I notice that Noah is starting to wake up. Walking over to him I pick him up, holding onto him tightly. Looking down at him I utter softly, “You fill the empty space perfectly.” Walking over to his new crib I lay him down in it. As I watch him surrounded by the incredible gift Callum has allowed Noah to use, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude again. I have been judging him by his outer appearance. There is more to Callum rippling beneath his protective shield on a subterranean level. I was able to witness his core surging beneath his tough exterior. Maybe I should give Callum a chance, just maybe.
The Invitation
Walking onto the portion of the campus again after being gone for two weeks feels like my first day. Thanks to Olivia I will be able to continue going to school, completing the Easter term. She has been getting my assignments from her brother and from my professor in my one other class, bringing them to me. My attempts at doing my classwork while breastfeeding and getting very little sleep, have been nearly impossible. But because of her efforts, I have been able to keep up with all my coursework. She knows the only way I am going to be able to finish my courses is if I have someone to watch Noah while I am gone, so Olivia sent over the lady who used to be Callum and Olivia’s nanny.
Leaving Noah this morning was the hardest thing for me to do. He is still so new and fragile that it felt like my heart was going to rip out of me. Though I will be only gone for a few hours I feel like I am having a panic attack. I know I can trust the nanny Olivia has sent over, but I still worry. The nanny’s appearance exemplifies the perfect model of an upper class British caregiver with her thick pinned-back grey hair, prim and proper dress attire. Every part of her has been meticulously put together. As she speaks, her thick, precise British accent places several enunciations within just one word. Just being around her this morning caused me to consciously correct my posture and speech. I felt like I was in a finishing school and if I slouched or used incorrect grammar I was going to be firmly corrected. Though she seems rather stiff and prudish I have no doubt she knows what she is doing.
As I stand in front of the door to my classroom the nerves bubble up within my stomach. I haven’t seen Callum since he left me in the hospital. We haven’t talked about anything, least of all our kiss. Olivia has told me several times that she has caught him debating whether to come over or not, but she says there is something holding him back. She has never seen her brother like this before. Her words have given me hope that maybe our conversation will go over well. I have wanted to thank him for the amazing gift, but I have been meaning to do it face to face. There are so many things I want to talk to him about, but as I stand in front of the door I am not sure my nerves will be able to allow me to talk to him.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I grab hold of the knob, quickly opening the door. The multitude of boisterous conversations rapidly halt with my surprising entrance. All eyes span towards me, but the only eyes I care to notice are Callum’s. Gazing around the room I notice Callum looking straight at me with a kind, reassuring grin on his face. Seeing his supportive smile I return the sentiment as I walk over to my usual seat.
Just as I am about to sit down Mr. Bramble utters, “Ms. Hayes, welcome back. I am glad you are able to join us again.”
“Oi, what have you done with your little bastard child?” a low voice chortles from the front of the room.
“Belt up Gavin! You bloody arse! I won’t let you talk about her son like that,” Callum snaps.
“Mr. Hughes, I don’t usually allow abusive talk like that towards another student, but in this case I am grateful for it.” Turning towards Gavin Mr. Bramble firmly states, “Mr. Beddows, I think you owe Ms. Hayes an apology. That kind of disrespect is absolutely not allowed in my class.”
Gavin turns slightly towards me, “I am sorry, Breanna.”
His apology on the surface appears sincere, but the heart of it lacks any authenticity. I have no idea what I did to make Callum’s friends hate me so much. There has to be something deeper than my pregnancy and now the reality of being a young mother. They have always held some kind of animosity towards me.
I pretend to accept his apology by giving Gavin a slight insincere smile. The class immediately turns their attention back to the front of the room. We are heading into the final preparations for our mid-exam before our week vacation. I try to stay focused on the discussion, but my mind is fully anticipating the conversation with Callum. The thick air within the room wraps around me with an unexplained excitement. I am counting down the minutes left in class.
Finally my professor finishes up, causing a herd of students to hastily flee from our lecture room. I notice Callum slowly gathering his things, as if he is stalling for some reason. Realizing that it is now or never, I head over to Callum.
“Hi, Callum,” I state pragmatically, trying to hide my nerves.
A radiant smile spreads across his face as he stands up to greet me, “Well it is about bloody time. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stall waiting for you.”
“Well, if you were waiting for me, then why didn’t you come over to me?” I sarcastically snap back.
Rolling waves of nerves pulsate throughout my body. A new sensation tickles my nerve endings as I stare into Callum’s stimulating caramel eyes. Callum has never made me nervous before, but now things feel different to me. After my breakdown with Olivia, the tough shell around my heart crumbled, allowing me to see for the first time how much I really missed Callum.
A soft laugh exhales through his nose, “I’ll give you that one.” We both laugh as if we are trying to stall the inevitable. Suddenly he asks, “How is Noah?”
“He is doing great. Better than me. I am exhausted from not sleeping at night. They need to tell future mothers to sleep all the time, so when your baby is born we will have some reserve to live off of,” I state honestly. I am sure he notices the dark circles under my eyes.
A smile spreads across his face, as his eyes seem to long for something, “Can I come and see him?”
My heart fills to the brim as he asks to come and see Noah, “I would love you to. You are the one who cut the cord.”
He laughs hesitantly, and then adds, seemingly to change the subject, “So, what do you think of Miss McNally, the nanny?”
A little snicker explodes from my mouth, “Well, I can tell that she is an experienced nanny and knows what she is doing. But she is also very…”
“Proper, and a bit scary,” he interrupts.
We both start laughing together at poor Miss McNally’s expense. Though I know she is a great nanny, her sterile and business-like nature is hard to get used to. I can only imagine the stories Olivia and Callum have about her. I never grew up with a nanny watching me. I was lucky if my mom was even sober enough to look after me. Some of my earliest memories are of me taking care of myself. I never had an additional someone to watch over me. Having a nanny is just part of their world.
“Yes. She is a bit scary. This morning I felt like if I didn’t walk correctly or use proper British English, she was going to crack my knuckles,” I laugh as I try to imitate her sharp crisp British accent.
His laughter increases to a full rumble, “I think you need to work on your accent. That was horrible.”
Our laughter blends together forming one bond. I watch as his wall is completely tumbling down, exposing his vulnerable side. The shimmering lights of joy twinkle within his beautiful eyes. Though Brits are not known for their teeth, his are gleaming white and perfectly straight. His full, masculine mouth spreads across his face forming a perfect smile. I take in every detail of him now, with a very different emotion.
He continues laughing as he
adds, “Remind me that I need to not only pay her for taking care of Noah, but she needs to work on your proper English.”
Instantly my laughing stops, “What do you mean? Are you the one paying for her and not Olivia?”
His relaxed expression vanishes, along with his joyful laughing. He looks at me quizzically as he tries figuring out what to say. Resolving to fully embrace the question he answers, “Yes. I am the one who arranged for Miss McNally’s services and payments.”
A deep furrow forms between my eyes as I look at him with wonder, “Please don’t take offence to this question, because I am extremely grateful for everything you have done for me and Noah, but why? I will never be able to repay the things that you have given us.”
“I don’t want you to repay me,” he states firmly, interrupting me.
“I have never in my life received this kind of kindness. The crib set is beautiful and Olivia told me that it is a family heirloom. I promise I will return it as soon as I find a new one to replace it.”
He walks within inches of me, placing a hand on my shoulder, “I want Noah to use it. I don’t want you to find another one.”
His caramel eyes bore deep into mine, sending a warm sensation to pierce my heart. His touch penetrates my skin, sinking into my very core, causing butterflies to soar within me. Warmth crawls up my spine and radiates throughout my head, causing tears to form within my eyes. “Callum, why? Please, tell me why?”
His hand starts trembling on my shoulder as he looks deep into my eyes. A tangible heat fills the space between us, causing our breathing to increase. His eyes hold a hunger and craving within them, sending chills throughout my body. An aching need pulsates between us. Reacting to the yearning, he slowly begins to lean in towards me, uttering in a smooth buttery tone, “Say my name again.”
Suddenly out of the blue I hear, “Callum, there you are.”
The fire burning between us instantly extinguishes as Callum’s body immediately stiffens. Looking up I notice Emily, the dark haired petite girl from our class and also the night at the pub. Walking gracefully over to Callum, she interlaces her arm purposefully within his. Standing up on her tippy-toes she leans over and kisses him on the cheek, “I have been waiting for you, babe. What has been keeping you so long?” she glances over at me with a crooked smile.
Callum looks at me with a petrified expression on his face. His hand slowly drops from my shoulder as he takes a timid step away from me. A searing edge of disgust and disappointment roll through me. I keep trying to look Callum in the eye, but he refuses to meet my gaze. If he has been in a relationship with Emily the whole time, then he should have never kissed me…twice, wait… almost three times now. And if they just became an item, then that is even worse, because as soon as he made a mistake with me he decided to run to Emily. A shivering surge of anger rushes up my spine. Of all the people at the University, why her? She is such a pompous snob.
“I was just asking Breanna about her little baby,” he states, with an irritated edge to his tone.
“Oh, that’s right. I forgot you have a baby now. That is too bloody bad. You won’t be able to go to Callum’s family home for the holiday now. We were thinking about inviting you.” Her condescending attitude vibrates within every word. A subtle smile spreads across her face as she looks right at me.
“Why can’t she go? It is mine and Olivia’s home. Both Breanna and her baby are welcome anytime,” Callum snaps back.
Emily’s jaw clinches down tightly, causing a subterranean quiver to vibrate in her jaw just under her skin as she stares at the ground. Callum looks up and meets my disappointed gaze. As he opens his mouth to say something I immediately interrupt him, “Wow, let me just start by saying, I am done. I am not about to play any games so I am just going to say, you both are perfect for each other.” Grabbing my things I proceed to head out the door when I hear Callum call my name. Turning back towards him, I state coldly, “You are still welcome to come and see Noah, but that is it.” Hastily I walk out of the room as the fire within me now transforms into a deep sadness. All I want to do is go back to my flat and hold onto Noah.
Walking down the stone street the cool air washes over me, shedding the frustration off of my body. Gingerly I walk through the crowds of people, stalling my return to my flat and Noah, as a heavy sigh rolls through me and I fight back my anger towards Callum. Finally getting control of my emotions I head back to my flat. As I open the door I am taken aback in shock. There, sitting in my club chair, is Callum holding Noah who is fast asleep.
“What the Hell are you doing in my flat? And where is Miss McNally?”
“I let her go home,” he whispers softly as he looks up right into my eyes.
Glaring down at him I snap, “You have no right to come in, or even let Miss McNally go home.”
Tilting his head slightly to one side he looks at me patronizingly, “I disagree. She is under my employment and what I say, she will do. Besides, you gave me permission to come by and see Noah.”
“I didn’t mean right now. What did you do, jump in your car and rush over here, dragging poor Emily along?” I begin looking all around my tiny flat for Emily. “Where is she, by the way? It’s not like she has a lot of places to hide here.”
A coy smile spreads across his face, “Why do you want to know?”
I look at him as my rigid shoulders drop in irritation. Rolling my eyes at him and his arrogant game he is playing, I utter coldly, “I am not going to partake in this game. Just answer my question.”
“She’s not here.” Holding Noah firmly against his chest he carefully pulls himself up from the club chair and walks closer to me. “You are playing a bigger game than you realize.” His eyes bore deep into mine, causing my heart to race fervently against my chest.
A surging wave of heat forming in my gut pushes its way up, causing all the hair on my arm to stand straight up. Forcefully my mind pushes the sensation he is causing me back down, as my anger now supersedes any other emotion residing within me.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. I am not the one who kisses you, then almost immediately turns my attention towards someone else.” Deciding I am completely done with this conversation I grab hold of Noah and forcefully remove him from Callum’s arms. “Get out.”
He moves just inches away from my face. As he looks down at me, his caramel eyes ignite with a flame of passion, “No. I am not about to leave. If you want some answers as to why I kissed and ran then you need to answer some bloody questions of your own first.”
His eyes bore deep into me, piercing my heart to the very center. Reacting to his piercing gaze I back away from him, trying to close the door to my heart. Immediately Noah belts out a loud scream, shattering the uncomfortable silence looming between us. Instantly I try bouncing him up and down, attempting to calm him down. Nothing I am doing is working, though.
“Here, let me try,” Callum insists, reaching for Noah.
“No, I can do it,” I snap, as I turn Noah away from Callum’s reach.
“I never bloody said you couldn’t do it. I am just saying that he was asleep with me and just maybe I can put him to sleep again,” he says, reaching for Noah. He gently takes him from my reluctant, yet consenting arms.
He begins rocking him side to side as he walks around my tiny flat. I watch, completely enamored by his gentle and soothing touch. Noah’s boisterous screams slowly subside to just a quiet, vibrating whimper. Callum gazes down at him with a completely smitten trance. Something definitely was formed between them in the delivery room, because Noah has never been like this with me. The anger flowing through me dissipates as I watch this gentle action. Conundrums of emotions roll violently within me. The pain of longing for Noah’s father, Andrew, vibrates against the passionate feelings towards Callum, like bumper cars against my heart. My young heart can’t handle this, especially if Callum is just playing games with me.
Turning towards me Callum utters in a buttery soft voice, “It looks like he just
wanted me after all,” he smiles, with an air of satisfaction.
My heart swells as I watch Callum’s soothing nature towards Noah. Life sure knows how to play games on us. Here Noah has been robbed of the experience of knowing his biological father and what a wonderful man he was. Then to form a bond with a man that will never be part of his life. The pain that is constantly rippling within my heart slices through me as I watch this kind gesture. He slowly walks around the room humming a soft lullaby I have never heard before. Callum’s eyes gaze down into Noah’s, as his eyes slowly start to close. Tears begin to well up in my eyes as I realize the tender male influence Noah has been robbed of.
“What are you humming?” I ask, softly.
Not even skipping a beat, he tenderly turns towards me, “It is just a lullaby my mum used to sing to me.”
“How did you know what to do?” I uttered, completely confused by his sudden and tender action.
“I care about Noah, and when you care about someone everything comes naturally.” Placing Noah tenderly into his crib, he turns to me asking frankly, “Where is his father through all of this? If he truly cared about Noah, or even you, he would be the one bloody putting him to sleep, not me.”
Completely taken aback by his sudden question I snap, “You have no idea how much I wish he was here rocking him to sleep.” Tears start to freely flow down my cheeks now as I whisper, “But he can’t.”
“Do you still love him?” Callum’s voice holds a husky tone to it, as if his vocal chords are tightening up as he speaks.
Gazing down at the floor I utter softly, “Yes, and I always will.”
A heavy, deflated sigh rolls from his mouth, “Why would you do this to me? Have me in the hospital room with you, let me cut his cord and then kiss me, when you are bloody in-love with someone else the whole time?” His voice takes on a deep, dark tone, like a painful growl of a lion. “Don’t talk to me about playing games. This is the cruelest one of them all.” Walking over to me he places his body just inches from mine, his proximity close enough to be disquieting, “You are a daft girl for hanging onto someone who obviously doesn’t care about you both.”
Never Forever Page 7
