by Tim Kevan
‘Sorry to be disturbing you on Christmas Eve but I’ve just had a terrible thought. Well, let’s put it another way. If I were running the other side’s case I would have a terrible thought. Terrible, in the wicked sense. Something that is a potential weakness in our plan.’
‘What’s that?’ I asked, finding it unlikely that ScandalMonger was suddenly going to illuminate me on the common law of torts.
‘You’re only going to run a very few of these claims as test cases, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘And if they fail, we pretty much fall by the wayside.’
‘Correct.’
‘So what’s to stop them bringing in ringers?’
‘Bringing in what?’ I asked, nonplussed.
‘Ringers, BabyB. Fake cases that they can control.’
‘Well whoever would do that? And how?’ Though it had suddenly got me thinking.
‘Wake up, BabyB. You and I both know that your friend TopFirst will stop at very little to damage you and I assume, by extension, the biggest case of your career so far.’
He was of course right.
‘Anyway,’ he continued, ‘just thought you should bear it in mind when you’re going over all the new cases this Christmas.’
Just what I need to be worrying about over the festive period. Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, I had a visit from SlipperySlope at about one minute to six this evening as he personally delivered six boxes full of new Moldy cases stacked high in his black cab. He was a little over-excited and kept saying, ‘Show me the cash, BabyB. Show me the cash,’ whilst insisting on doing a high five, which is the sort of gesture from a middle-aged man that makes Jeremy Clarkson’s jeans seem trendy. Then he said, ‘The good news is we’re all going to be rich, BabyB.’
There was obviously more to come, and sure enough, ‘The bad news is that these cases need to be prepared within the next couple of days, ready to follow up straight after Christmas. It’s the guarantee ScandalMonger gave that we’d get back within a week and the newspapers will be on us like a flash if we don’t deliver on our first challenge.’
He paused and I didn’t react one way or the other so he continued, ‘The other bit of bad news is that I have to spend time with my family and so won’t be able to do it . . .’
Go on, let me guess . . .
‘But the good news is that you, my little wigged one, can do it for me.’
Tuesday 25 December 2007
Year 2 (week 13): Christmas cheer
‘You’ve got to take a break, BabyB. It’s Christmas day.’ It was Claire and she’d invited my mother and me to join her family for their big Christmas lunch.
‘I did take a break, Claire. But now that we’ve eaten, I’ve just got to carry on going through these files.’
‘But, BabyB,’ my mother said, ‘I really thought all your worries would be over once you were made a tenant.’
Claire smiled as if to let me off the hook. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said to my mother. ‘We’ll get him back on the straight and narrow what with the meditation course you’ve booked him on to, and the executive stress doll and relaxing bath salts I gave him.’ I guiltily thought of the presents I’d hurriedly ordered online for them only a few days ago.
I haven’t told either of them about the compromise I’ve made in order to refinance her debts or indeed any of the others I had to make last year, though I suspect Claire wouldn’t see them merely as compromises but rather steps down a very slippery slope. I really wish I could but I certainly wasn’t about to start blabbing in front of Claire’s parents of all people. One thing I do know: this is not why I came to the Bar.
Thursday 27 December 2007
Year 2 (week 13): Creative accounting
The few people who are around this week all seem to be getting their expenses ready for their accountants today. Let’s just say that even at Christmas time when it comes to HM Treasury the spirit is far from what you might call giving and there are some pretty imaginative claims going in. There’s a young member of chambers called Teflon, owing to the fact that whatever trouble he causes nothing ever seems to stick. He is ‘forced’ to take his best solicitor client to a lap-dancing club once a month in return for the work he is sent. Membership of said club is put under ‘Specialist Bar Associations’. Then OldSmoothie has a demanding insurer client with a penchant for Bolivian marching powder who puts all of these related expenses through his accounts under ‘motor fuel’, which seems to be the barrister equivalent of the music industry’s euphemism of ‘flowers’. But best of all is TheVamp who was proud to declare last week that she puts all her hairdressing bills under ‘wig maintenance’ and then went on to suggest that OldSmoothie maybe put his Viagra in the bicycle section under ‘hard hat and inner tube’.
Meanwhile, SlipperySlope arrived at chambers at 9 a.m. on the dot and not only took the files from me but delivered a whole new batch.
What joy.
Friday 28 December 2007
Year 2 (week 13): Gossip
A rather sultry-looking Vamp was in chambers this afternoon.
‘Out this evening, by any chance?’ I asked with a smile.
‘Might be,’ she said. ‘Not that you’d be interested now that you’ve shifted your attentions to TopFlirt.’
‘What?’ I asked incredulously. ‘What exactly is that supposed to mean?’
‘I hear you had lunch with her before Christmas,’ she said conspiratorially.
‘How on earth did you know that?’ I asked, no doubt looking slightly flustered.
‘Oh, you know . . .’
‘No, I don’t know,’ I pushed.
‘Don’t worry, BabyB, your secret’s safe with me.’
‘What secret? Why would I be worried?’
‘Oh, you know . . .’
This was becoming just slightly annoying. ‘No, I don’t know what you’re trying to say at all.’
‘Well, I heard TopFirst doesn’t like you very much. Got a bit of history with him it seems. Then you’re spotted having what by all accounts was an extremely intimate lunch with, of all people, TopFlirt. Enough to get people talking I’d say. But as I said, don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me . . .’
With that, she waltzed out trying to look enigmatic but managing nothing more than what she is, a stirring, mischievous little minx.
Chapter 4
January: He’s Back!
Tuesday 1 January 2008
Year 2 (week 14): Confession . . .
What a night it was last night. New Year’s Eve and a huge party in Battersea with Claire and a whole bunch of other Bar School friends. It all started off swimmingly with one round of shots inevitably leading to another, until we were stumbling around and hugging each other by midnight like it was the last time we’d see each other. Which after what followed might well be the case for Claire and me. It was about 1 a.m. and we were sitting on a sofa and surveying the scene of carnage which had once been our friend’s flat.
‘Claire, we need to talk.’ I looked at her trying to focus. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’
She smiled. ‘I think we’ve already been there and done that, BabyB. Don’t worry. You don’t need to go over old ground.’
‘No. I want to tell you about TheBoss. About SlipperySlope. About the whole thing. I really, really want to tell you.’
At this point Claire suddenly turned on me and for the first time in my life I saw her looking angry. ‘I’m sorry, BabyB, but I’m afraid I’ve simply had it up to here with you and your work, work, work.’
She put her palm above her head as she said it. Then she continued, ‘You ruined Christmas with the parading of your files in front of the tree. I’d say you put more time and effort into just one page of those cases than you did into choosing the generic books you bought everyone from Amazon. But after that day I told myself one thing and it was this: I was not going to allow you to ruin New Year too. So leave it, will you?’
I think I must have looked p
retty shocked. Then she softened.
‘Look, BabyB. I love you dearly. Truly I do. But we’re all so worried about you. You never have time for anyone these days, not even your mother from what she was saying when you disappeared off to work at Christmas.’
The subject was well and truly dead and any chance of confessing my sins and perhaps sharing the burden was gone forever.
‘I’m sorry, Claire. It’s pretty difficult at the moment, that’s all.’
‘It’s difficult for all of us, BabyB. We’re not students any longer. It’s the real world and we have to make the best of it.’
With which she gave me a long hug and went off to join a couple of her friends. It was not a great start to the new year.
Wednesday 2 January 2008
Year 2 (week 14): Guess who?
No sooner have the geriatric cases started coming through the door than guess who should crawl out of the woodwork? Why, it’s TheBoss, calling my mobile.
‘Hello, BabyB. How’s tricks? A little bird tells me you might be involved in all this oldie litigation.’
‘So what if I might be?’
‘Well, I think I might be able to help. Strikes me you have your solicitor in place who is complemented by a rather excellent PR man. But what you’re lacking is an accident manager who can put these cases together a little more professionally. You know how I work. How about it? I act behind the scenes and you keep a healthy professional distance from the source.’
‘But aren’t you banned from all that?’ I asked.
‘I’m only banned from working as a barrister, BabyB. What else I decide to do in my own time is my business.’
‘And what’s in it for you?’
‘Oh, you know. Job satisfaction in keeping the clients happy. The pursuit of justice. Things like that.’
‘And a wodge of cash from Slippery no doubt.’
‘I’m sure he’d see me right.’
All of this of course raises a few issues, not least as to how TheBoss would know about ScandalMonger’s involvement. I told him I’d think about it.
Thursday 3 January 2008
Year 2 (week 14): Divorce central
Whoever said lawyers were vultures? Well, true to form Slippery’s niece NurserySlope, who skis, rides and looks like a horse, has been busy rejuvenating the family law department of their firm. Today she sent out an internal memo which said:
Gear up for Monday! It’s time once again to turn those post-Christmas new year blues into little rays of financial sunshine :-)
I kid you not. Right down to the fake little smile. The sheer lack of scruples reminds me of that ‘good time to bury bad news’ memo after 9/11. Then after a load of motivational chat about how the credit crunch was already helping business, it ended with:
Oh, and don’t forget, please remember that with the inevitable increase in activity during January, your fee-income target is (as always) 20 per cent higher this month.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they also gave an award for the most number of acrimonious disputes brought through the door. When I mentioned this memo at chambers tea OldSmoothie said, ‘That’s nothing, BabyB. I’ve heard of one firm who pays marriage guidance counsellors not only for referrals but even gives them a “success fee” when it all breaks down in acrimony. What’s more, you’ll never find the other side complaining about the counsellor since it benefits both sides’ lawyers.’
‘It’s all just a symptom of the compensation culture,’ said UpTights.
‘I’ve always thought that a particularly unfortunate term myself,’ said OldSmoothie. ‘Makes it sound like some horrible bacteria.’
‘What, you mean it makes you associate it with the very bottom of the evolutionary tree of life?’ said TheBusker.
‘Exactly,’ said OldSmoothie.
‘Sounds about right to me,’ said UpTights.
Lawyers, huh? You gotta love ’em.
Friday 4 January 2008
Year 2 (week 14): He’s back!
Clearly impatient to start earning some cash, TheBoss was on the phone again this morning. ‘So what do you say, BabyB, are we going to work together?’
Now I know that it’s a risk getting involved with him in any way and this is particularly so when there’s every reason to suspect that TopFirst may well have contacted him in the last few months. However, despite this, I figure that for the moment it’s probably best to keep your enemies close. Besides which, it might well not only lighten my own workload but also help Slippery’s firm, who desperately need someone like TheBoss to get TheMoldies’ cases in order at their end, since it’s well beyond what they’re used to. So eventually I answered, ‘I think we might be able to do something. But before we do, I need some kind of guarantee from you.’
‘Oh, come on, BabyB. After all we’ve been through?’
‘That’s exactly why I want such a guarantee.’
‘And what exactly did you have in mind?’
Well, although I was trying to sound all confident and cool about the whole thing, I had absolutely no idea what sort of guarantee might be appropriate.
‘One hundred thousand pounds, to be held by ClichéClanger rather than Slippery and paid to me in the event of any dirty business.’
‘BabyB, you’ve got to start setting your sights a little higher. That’s just a few settlements’ worth. Anyway, you’re on. I’m back in business.’
Later on, I met up with Claire for a drink. She said she wanted to meet up to apologise for her outburst.
‘I’m so sorry, BabyB. I really do want to be there for you but sometimes . . .’ She hesitated as she looked for the right words. ‘Well sometimes you do seem to become a little over-involved in your cases.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’ll try to make more of an effort and I promise not to talk about work ever again.’
‘That’s not the point, BabyB. I want to hear about your work and to help if I can. I just don’t like seeing you lose yourself to it.’
Then she smiled and with the twinkle back in her eye said, ‘So come on, tell me what happened at work today.’
I told her about the return of TheBoss.
‘BabyB! Are you absolutely crazy? I don’t know everything that went on last year but I know you well enough to be sure that the prospect of his being back in your life is horrific. Why?’
‘I thought it might be one way in which I could get back a little time from work,’ I answered and then explained the guarantee I’d garnered.
‘BabyB, this is a man who makes SlipperySlope seem like Atticus Finch. He’ll wheedle his way out of absolutely anything you put in front of him. That’s the only guarantee. Well, that and it’ll all end in tears.’
Then, realising that she had started lecturing again, she made another effort at lightening the mood.
‘Kind of reminds me of Jack Nicholson screaming about Johnny coming’ she said.
‘Or the return of Hannibal Lecter,’ I agreed.
She gave a wry smile. ‘When the Luftwaffe took off a few years ago for the first time since the war, one of the German headlines said simply, “We’re back”.’
‘My favourite headline is “Fog in channel, continent stranded”,’ I responded, glad to get a chance to change the subject.
‘Or the apocryphal “Titanic sinks. Glasgow man feared dead”,’ said Claire, thankfully taking the conversation completely away from TheBoss and all the potential problems he posed.
But at the end of the evening the subject was clearly still weighing on her mind and perhaps trying to avoid appearing constantly disapproving of me she said, ‘I think perhaps, BabyB, we both need a little space from each other for a while. What do you think?’
The look I gave was a blank one as I struggled to take on board the suggestion. In the end I just nodded. With which we hugged and then I watched her leave the bar and hail a black cab.
Monday 7 January 2008
Year 2 (week 15): MoreFlirt
Got an email from TopFlirt this
morning asking what I’m up to and mentioning that she’s free in a couple of weekends’ time. What to do? Could it still be a trap set by TopFirst? Seems a bit extreme to pimp his fiancée, even by his standards. But does it carry the risk that it could unleash untold wrath from the Weasel One? Perhaps, but I’d already decided what I would do and so I arranged to meet her a week on Saturday.
Tuesday 8 January 2008
Year 2 (week 15): Small is beautiful
‘You will often find that the size of the bundle of papers is actually disproportionate to the size of the case itself,’ said TheCreep, as he patronised a couple of the pupils who were listening politely.
‘Shame that’s not true in other areas, my love,’ said TheVamp, as she passed by and tapped him on the head Benny Hill style just to underline his shortened stature.
‘What on earth are you talking about?’ asked TheCreep in a voice that was pompous even for him.
‘Oh, MrCreepyWeepy, you’re so touchy these days. Not getting enough attention in the lurve department are we?’
‘I can always count on you to lower the tone. Even when I’m teaching them a very valuable lesson.’
‘And what exactly was that lesson then, CreepsyWeepsy? That “small is beautiful”, by any chance?’
Wednesday 9 January 2008
Year 2 (week 15): Scallies chasing scallies
Had a meeting with Slippery, TheBoss and ScandalMonger today. I told them that of the cases I’d reviewed there were a couple that I was concerned about because they looked just a little too perfect. My fear was that they were the ringers about which ScandalMonger had warned me. I suggested that TheBoss and ScandalMonger might be better placed to investigate this further, on the basis that the best person to catch a scally is another scally, although I didn’t quite put it in those terms. It’ll be interesting to see what they come up with.
