by Lexi Blake
“I’ll walk you back.” Henry was at her side in a flash.
She shook her head. “No need. I’d like to be alone for a while.”
“I’ll walk you back and then you can be alone, Nell.” Henry’s tone brooked no arguments. “The ground is soft and you could fall.”
She turned and started to walk out but didn’t argue when Henry put a hand on her shoulder and led her out.
He was left alone with Solo.
“Jax, let me take you out there. I know I’m not anywhere close to River’s level of expertise, but I don’t think you know all the dangers you could face in those woods. Beck isn’t thinking straight. He’s letting our past color everything.”
But he had to trust Ezra. Solo hadn’t walked in and introduced herself. She’d done everything she could to protect her cover. Now that he looked back at it, she’d been excellent at avoiding the one man in their group who could have identified her. “I take it all those times you couldn’t make meetings, you were trying to make sure Ezra didn’t catch a glimpse of you.”
Her face fell as though she knew she was losing the battle. “I had a job to do. When my boss got the intel that Beck was on his way here, he asked me to stay and watch from a distance. I was supposed to report back on what he’s doing. I haven’t and I won’t, though I’m certain Levi will already have filed something. I’ll figure it out. I’m pretty good about smoothing things over. I did it the whole time we were married.”
“Why did you befriend River?”
“You’re going to keep asking questions until I look as bad as possible, aren’t you? Well, I’m not going to lie. I got a job with her because she was hiring and it was an easy way to blend into town. At the time, she was distracted. Her father was dying and her husband had been gone for a while. She needed help so she didn’t look too closely at who she was hiring. It gave me a reason to be in the woods if anyone caught me. Nell likes River. When Nell likes someone, Henry follows. I befriended her because it was my job to do anything I had to do to get the information I needed.”
On some level he understood, but this wasn’t some random op. He couldn’t ever be ruthless enough to view a person as nothing but a piece on a game board. He’d been a pawn and he couldn’t handle the idea that River thought he’d treated her like that, too. “I wasn’t going to let River be hurt. I was getting permission from the others to tell her the truth. I always told her as much of the truth as I could. She was so cold when she looked at me. At me? She looked through me. It makes me wonder.”
“If she cared about you?” Solo asked slowly. “I know she did. She’s been more open and happy since she met you than I’ve ever seen her. I’ll be honest. At first, I didn’t like her. She was cold and shut down. Then I realized why. Watching someone you love die will do that to you. Eighteen months and every day she had to get up and take care of someone else. Every day she had to feed him and take him to the bathroom and clean him up. Every day she watched him get weaker and more miserable. I don’t know that she’s come out of it yet. When you get that overloaded emotionally, it’s comfortable and safe to be numb. It feels good to not feel.”
“She rarely talked about her dad.” He knew her father had died, but she hadn’t talked about it past the fact of the matter.
“I think when she found out about your past, she closed herself off again. She’d been opening up in a way I hadn’t seen before. She slammed that door and went back to the place she knew was safe.” Solo’s voice was soft, sympathetic as she spoke. “I think she’ll come around.”
He stared out over the lawn where Henry was walking his wife toward their small cabin, the tension between them easy to see. “I don’t think she will. I think she’ll be like Nell. I think the only thing holding Nell to her husband is the baby she’s carrying.”
Solo sat back down with a weary sigh. “I hope not because if those two can’t make it, there’s no hope for the rest of us.”
There wasn’t any hope at all for him, but he could help his brothers. “I’m going to do it.”
“All right. If you’re determined to go alone, I’ll help you as much as I can. First off, I can promise you won’t need that bio suit. The Ranch was sealed but it’s perfectly clean. And I think I have an excellent point of entry. No one will think you would go in from there. I have to warn you, it’s a little odd.”
Jax poured the tea as Solo started to talk about the mission.
* * * *
River watched Buster chase after his own tail and kind of wished she could be a dog in the next life. Buster had been despondent the night before when she’d come home and let him out of his crate. She’d held him but whenever she’d put him down, he’d run around and around the cabin looking for Jax. He’d whined and cried until she’d picked him up and taken him to bed with her.
This morning Buster was happy and playing, perfectly adjusted to the new normal.
She was not. She hadn’t slept, didn’t want to eat. God, it would be good to cry. She simply couldn’t. The world was dull again and she hated Jax for reminding her how much color there was when looking at it with new eyes. She was back in this gray place and she worried she might never come out of it again.
She’d sat and stared at the TV, the morning news not sticking to her brain in any way because all she could think about was the way he’d looked as she’d walked away.
The man was good. She would give him that.
She’d even answered his stupid text about the dog. She’d started to type back that she didn’t want anything from him, but then she’d glanced over and Buster had looked at her with big doggy eyes and she’d known she couldn’t lose him, too. Buster would be the only thing she took with her, the only proof that she’d been with Jax for a brief time.
Would Buster like the city? Would he like being stuck in a tiny apartment where he would need to be in a crate most of the day?
God, she was going to miss this place.
“Hello.”
River turned and forced a smile on her face. Nell Flanders was pedaling her bicycle down the path. There was a basket in front and it would have some treat for her. At least once a week since her father had been diagnosed, someone from town would show up offering food and help. She’d felt so alone, but now she realized she hadn’t been. Rachel Harper would show up with a casserole one day and Holly Burke would bring them banana bread another. Nell had organized the food for her father’s funeral. Of course, it had been the woman named Solo who’d sat in the funeral home and held her hand.
She wouldn’t see Solo again, but Nell was one of the kindest human beings she’d ever met. It was hard to believe that she was married to a man who’d been a deadly operative. Henry looked like the history teacher he professed to be. But then she’d proven to not have good instincts when it came to dangerous men.
Did Nell know her husband’s past? Fear struck her in that moment because she couldn’t be the one who broke her friend in that manner. She froze at the thought of being the person to tell Nell Henry wasn’t who he said he was. But didn’t she deserve to know?
Fucking Jax had screwed her over again.
“You don’t look happy to see me,” Nell said, not unkindly. “I heard you had a rough night. I brought you some herbal tea. I was in Colorado Springs with Henry a few days ago and picked some up at the sweetest little tea shop. I thought you would enjoy it. Henry. Should I call him John now? I don’t know. He still looks like a Henry to me. At least your formerly violent lover only has one name. Well, that he knows about.”
River breathed a sigh of relief. “You know.”
Nell parked the bike and plucked the bag of tea from her basket. “About Henry’s former occupation? I’ve known for a bit. I was very foolish. I didn’t even suspect he wasn’t exactly what he said he was. But then a drug cartel showed up on our doorstep and Henry murdered them all. Now, in his defense, they were planning to kill all of us, and I’ve thought a lot about the fact that his preferred method of murder is actually quite
earth friendly. He’s very well versed in the art of internal decapitation. They say it’s quick and painless, so there’s that.”
She shivered. “You’re taking this well.”
Nell grew somber. “No, I’m not. I’m not taking it well at all. I’m making him sleep on the couch, and I don’t know that I can ever forgive him.”
“For being a killer?” At least someone understood.
“For lying to me about it. I’m not as naïve as he thinks I am. I know there are things in this world that are so evil they require men who are willing to fight them. They can’t fight terrorists with light. I know he protected us. I fight my fight and he fought his. Why wouldn’t he tell me?”
There was only one reason she could think of. Henry had been with Nell for years. From what she understood, he’d changed his whole life for his wife. He wasn’t working an op or biding time. They were having a baby together and it was all Henry could talk about. “He was afraid. He loved you and he was scared of losing you.”
“Yes, I suppose he was.” Nell passed her the tea and then knelt down and smiled as Buster did his best to lick the newcomer all over. Naturally Nell didn’t even try to stop him. She simply accepted his affection with a smile. “Have you thought about the fact that Jax likely lied to you for the same reasons?”
Oh, that trap had been cleverly sprung, but they weren’t in the same position. Not even close. “Henry worked for the CIA, and while I might think that’s a sketchy job, he wasn’t a criminal.”
Nell picked up the wriggling puppy and Buster seemed to relax as though he knew he was being handled by someone who loved animals. She stroked his fur as she spoke. “I thought you had been told the truth.”
“Yes, I was. The active CIA agent explained the whole situation to me. Jax and his friends are wanted in a whole lot of countries for any number of crimes. I only heard about robbery and some Internet crimes, but I’m sure there will be a murder in there somewhere.”
“Oh, I’m certain Jax has been forced to kill.”
Forced? “I don’t want to hear this, Nell. I’m sure you’ve come up with a million and one excuses in your head. You’re a sympathetic person.”
“I am,” she agreed. “I do know that people who commit crimes almost always have some kind of a reason. Most of them aren’t justified, but how can we judge a person if we don’t know the whys? How can we learn how to stop another crime if we don’t know the impetus for the behavior?”
She wasn’t buying it. “I don’t need to know about his shitty childhood.”
“Jax would love to know.”
“You’re not going to confuse me and get me to agree with you.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do at all. I’m trying to explain the situation to you because I don’t think anyone else will.” Nell frowned.
It was apparent she wasn’t getting out of this conversation. She could walk away, but in the past Nell had proven quite adroit at getting her way. It was best to listen to her and then move on or else she could find herself with a protest going on outside her cabin. “All right. Tell me this magical story that will make everything okay.”
“There’s no magic in this story,” Nell said. “There’s pain and loss. I think Henry told me because he knew it would soften my heart knowing what those young men have been through. Jax has no idea what his name is or where he comes from. He doesn’t remember anything past the last eighteen months of his life.”
“Bullshit.” Did they all think she was an idiot?
“No. Henry wouldn’t lie about this,” Nell insisted. “Jax and his brothers—she called them his brothers, you see—they were all born in a laboratory. I call it that but in so many ways it wasn’t a birth. It was the death of the men they’d been.”
She didn’t understand a thing. “In a lab? Was he involved in some sort of experiment? Did he volunteer to test some weird drug?”
“No one would volunteer for this.” Nell’s armed tightened around the puppy like he was a security blanket. “Dr. Hope McDonald was a pioneer in the field of mind alteration and conditioning, though you won’t see her best work in any medical journal. She worked at The Ranch for a time, developing something the CIA had an interest in. Have you ever heard of time dilation? Neither had I. It’s a way to trick the brain into believing more time has passed than reality. She developed two drugs. One erased all personal memory. The subject retained knowledge of certain things—how to brush his teeth, what a cup was called. Muscle memory was retained. The subjects who had been trained to fight could still do so. But all memory of family and self was gone.”
She tried to process Nell’s words. It didn’t make sense. “Why would anyone want to do such a thing?”
“I have a theory. She needed test subjects for her time dilation drug. That particular drug could be used to do an enormous amount of good. Think about a young cancer patient. Give her this drug and the right stimulus and she lives a full life in her head. Give it to a scientist and he has more time to research. I know it sounds odd, but the mind is an incredible thing. But there are darker purposes to a drug like that. Torture could last longer, leave the victim with minor wounds but the memory of terrible pain.”
River shivered despite the warmth of the afternoon. “Someone tested this drug on Jax?”
“Yes.”
She didn’t want to believe it. She wasn’t sure she did, but Nell wouldn’t lie. Had she been deceived? “So they gave him this time dilation drug and then tortured him and then erased his memory so he couldn’t remember what happened to him?”
“Not exactly,” Nell said. “I don’t know all of the details, but I know his memory was erased again and again. The only one who remembers a substantial amount of his time with Dr. McDonald is a man named Theo Taggart.”
“Taggart?”
Nell nodded. “Yes, he’s Ian’s half brother. He spent over a year in the doctor’s tender care. He wrote up what he could remember. Henry let me read it and now I’m going to do the same for you. A copy is in the bag with the tea. Theo talks about how they were beaten and forced to comply. They were tested against each other. The doctor used sophisticated psychological techniques to train the men to obey her orders. I know we all want to think that we would be the one who didn’t break, but read his report and tell me you wouldn’t. I can’t imagine what he went through.”
“You’re telling me Jax became a criminal because some crazy lady told him to?”
“I know it sounds terribly outrageous, but it’s also true.” Nell kissed the top of Buster’s head and set him down. The puppy immediately started chasing a butterfly. “Jax was born in a lab fully grown. All he’s known in his life is pain and forced compliance, and yet he was gentle with you.”
A shiver went through her. If it was true…some of the things he’d said made sense. His awkwardness. The weirdness of his “brothers.”
Nell walked back to her bike. “I’m not telling you you should do anything. If you don’t care about Jax, then it’s good that you broke it off with him. You’re the first woman he’s ever had a relationship with. When you think about it, he was a virgin. I’m sure he’ll recover. After all, he spent years being tortured and he’s still capable of love. He could have kept it at a one-night stand and moved on to the next woman, but I think what he craved was a connection with someone who spoke to his soul.”
“I don’t know that I can forgive him.” Even if everything Nell said was true, he’d still lied to her. He’d still put her in jeopardy.
“You don’t have to forgive him to want to make sure he’s safe.” Nell popped up her kickstand. “He’s going into those woods tonight. He’s going alone. I think he doesn’t care if he lives or dies.”
“Why would he do that?” He had no training. He wouldn’t know what to do.
“Because Ezra thinks The Ranch holds the secrets of who his men are. Or were. Of who their families were, where they came from. He thinks there might even be a cure waiting for them there. What would you
risk to potentially regain your memory? Your father died, but he’s still there in your mind. He’s still with you in every memory of a birthday or driving lessons or quiet time spent together. You still have him. The Lost Boys have nothing.”
The Lost Boys. That’s what Heather had called them. Solo. Damn it. She had to keep up.
Lost. They’d lost their pasts. Did Jax have to lose his future?
She couldn’t be with him again. He’d lied. He might have had a reason to lie, but he’d done it even knowing what that would mean to her.
She opened the bag and found the tea. It wouldn’t hurt to read the report. It wouldn’t change anything.
“Come on, Buster.” She would make some tea and see if anything this Theo Taggart person said made a lick of sense.
And then she would start the packing process because Jax had made it impossible for her to stay in Bliss. What a lifetime of memories of her dad couldn’t do, a few days of loving Jax Seaborne had. She couldn’t stay here anymore because there were far too many ghosts.
Chapter Fifteen
“There are so many dicks. So many dicks.”
Jax agreed with Robert’s horrified whisper as he stood on the grand lawn at the Mountain and Valley Naturist Community. It was late afternoon and everything was ready for him to walk into those imposing mountains. According to Solo this was the best way to walk into the national forest land unnoticed by any prying eyes. The Naturist Community was private and everyone here had been vetted carefully. There had been only one new member accepted in the past year and he was apparently solid.
And by “naturist” they really meant a bunch of naked people. The community practiced a nudist lifestyle.
“How do they keep their dicks so pasty white? The white guys, I mean. The black dudes have appropriately colored dicks, but how are the white guys dicks so white when they walk around in the sun with them swinging like that. Not that guy. His dick is smart. It burrowed in away from the sun.” Tucker’s eyes were wide as he looked around.
