My mother and I found a motel that rented by the week. It was a shitty little place that was run down, but with her one credit card being our only source of money, it was important to save as much as we could.
I know she was hurting after leaving the comforts of her home. I had nothing to offer her except my companionship. The good thing was that it gave us time to reconnect. I think I hadn’t let myself miss her the way I should have. We had little, but she took care of me. It showed me that all of those Sugars that I had bedded and got a hot meal from were taking the place of the mother that I had abandoned.
Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself after losing Charlie. This whole idea was becoming an impossible dream. I couldn’t believe that I was considering playing the best pool players in the world for a chance at winning fifty grand. Still, my mother remained supportive and pushed me to keep at it.
I think I was completely in the right mindset until I woke up to my phone ringing one day. I saw the number on the screen and wanted to answer, but knew it would open up a can of worms that would be impossible to get out of.
When the phone beeped that I had a message I was shocked. I mean, she never left messages. I paced around the room a few times wondering if I should just ignore it or delete it before even listening. The last thing I wanted was to hear that she wanted me to come home. I guess somewhere in my head, I was hoping that is how she felt. When I got the nerve to listen, I think my world was shattered.
I listened to it several times, hearing every awful thing she thought about me. Sure, she was wrong about the part with my father, but it was still a kick in the nuts. Charlie wanted nothing to do with me. I had hurt her so terribly that there was no way she would ever forgive me again. Our relationship was over.
Knowing that made me reconsider even playing in the damn tournament. My mind was all fucked up and I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on a game with that much money at stake.
One thing that I found out when going to register was that I was supposed to have done it months ago. Luckily, this pretty little thing who was working the event had someone cancel. She put me on the top of the waiting list and by the time I walked out of there, I was registered to play. Sure, I had to take her out to dinner for her helping me, but I was willing to do anything for the chance to play. I was so angry at myself for walking away from what I wanted. It was almost like I wanted to play just so I could fail and finally admit that I was nothing but a loser.
I’d lost Charlie, so I had nothing else that I wanted to live for. I would be a hustler for the rest of my life.
My heart ached for her, but I buried it behind liquor and pool. Some people would think playing so much before the event would have burned me out. On the contrary, it made my game better. I was struggling with my emotions and took it out on the table. There had been several nights where I played all night long and came into the motel when the sun was coming up.
I don’t know how much my mother approved of my lifestyle, but I think she was more concerned with me failing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t ever going to be with Charlie again. I’d fucked that all up and now it was time to worry about my mother and myself. I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to.
As the event got closer, more big time players were arriving in town. It was easy to scope out which bars they would be hanging at. I think I shocked myself when I came home one early morning with two grand in my pocket. Maybe at first she thought I had robbed someone, but when I brought her along the next night she was more than excited. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about how she used to go and watch Joe/Joker play in events. She said I reminded her of him, but it was because he taught me everything he knew.
It was cool having a common interest with my mother. As much as I thought she was sad about leaving her life, she smiled every single day and seemed to genuinely enjoy being with me. I have to say that if I couldn’t ever be with Charlie, being with my mother and getting close to her again meant the world to me.
She supported me and rooted me on like I always had wanted her to. Maybe the time we’d spent apart had given us the time to accept the things we couldn’t change about each other. I was learning fast that my mother was a whole different person when she wasn’t being held back by my overbearing father.
Since I was no longer playing to get my father away from Charlie, I was looking at the prize money as a way for my mother and I to go somewhere and start over. That credit card was only going to last for so long. My mother was a pretty lady and she knew how to talk to people. Finding a job wouldn’t be a problem for her, but for me, well it could be a problem. I had tattoos all over me and aside from being a bartender, I didn’t have any experience. All I was ever good at was playing pool and drinking.
I ran into several players that I had met while living with Joker. Most of them recognized me and welcomed the chance to let me play with them. Now, when playing someone that you knew was a pro, it was hard to not be nervous. I wasn’t used to playing the players that were true talent. The people I hustled just thought they were good.
An older player that I didn’t know recognized my mother. He sat down at a corner table and talked to her for hours while I played. My new stick was alright, but it didn’t compare to my old one. Joker had made my stick and everything about it was one of a kind. It stroked like no other stick I had ever used and had a tiny shaft that my fingers were used to holding.
One night after playing for a few hours, my mother retired to our motel room. I stuck around with the guys and lost a bet to treat them all to the local strip club. Because I was the youngest, I became the guinea pig to all the young dancers and their lap dances.
The more I drank the more I pictured them being Charlie. One brunette chick with a rocking body kept swaying her hips in my direction. Touching the chicks was usually a way to get kicked out of a place, but this chick was rubbing her naked tits all over my face. She took my beer and slowly dumped it over her breast then pressed it against my mouth.
I wish I could lie and say that it didn’t turn me on. It wasn’t like I was cheating on Charlie. She’d made it clear that we were over.
I met the girl in the back hallway near the men’s room. She was still walking around in just a tiny thong, so everywhere my hands touched her was naked skin. Her tits were nice, but they weren’t Charlie’s. I was actually getting pissed at myself for thinking about her when I had the chance to get laid. I was getting ready to play the biggest match of my life and needed the stress relief.
I pressed my lips against the girls and felt her tongue slipping into my spread open mouth. Her kisses were sloppy, but in a sexy way. She knew what she was doing as she slid her hand down the front of my jeans while continuing to mingle our tongues together. I lifted her up against the wall and felt her legs wrapping around my waist. I didn’t know her name, but I didn’t want to either. I just wanted to get my dick wet and forget about how much I’d fucked up the relationship with the only person I had ever loved.
Suddenly, as the chick had my rock hard cock in her hand, I let her body slip back down to the floor and I pulled away from her. She backed against the wall seemingly confused and licked her lips.
For the second time in my life, Charlie had stopped me from being with someone who was ready and willing. Her beautiful body flooded my mind. The way her voice got when she became mad. The way her kisses made me crazy. She was all I could think about.
The girl reached her arms out for me, but I backed away more. I put my hands into air. “Sorry, I can’t do this.”
I walked away from her and went right into the bathroom. I heard the door swing behind me as I leaned my arms against the base of the sink. The naked girl hopped up on the sink and leaned against the mirror. “So who is she?”
I shook my head and looked at her face instead of her perky breasts. “She’s someone that doesn’t want me anymore.”
She laughed and shook her head. “I find that hard to believe.”
“Yeah, well I am pretty good at fucking things up.”
She leaned over and put her arm on my shoulder. “Most guys would have fucked me and just never told anyone what happened. It takes a real love for a man to stop a free lay. If I were you, I wouldn’t give up on her. I think if she knew you felt that strong about her, she would want you back. So, did you cheat or something?”
I shook my head. “No, not that I didn’t have opportunities. I couldn’t do that to her. She’s all I think about. Yeah, I lied to her about things that were important. I won’t bore you with the details, because I can assure you that after the first couple hours you would get sick of hearing it.”
“I feel so bad for you. If it’s any consolation, I think she’s a fool for letting you go.” I appreciated her being nice to me, but I’d done this to myself.
“Thanks, listen I need to get out of here. Is there a back door I can use?” I was feeling tipsy and just wanted to avoid the other pool players that I’d come with.
She led me to the back door that the employees used. After slipping me her number in case I wanted to “talk” again, I started walking toward the motel. When I got to a bench that was facing the beach, I sprawled my body on it and breathed in the cool salty air.
I shouldn’t have done it, but I reached my phone out of my pocket and listened to the saved message from Charlie. It broke my heart every time I heard it. I knew I’d had too much to drink, but it hadn’t stopped me from doing it. I pressed call on the screen and heard the phone ringing in my ear. Sure, this was going to cost me, but I just had to hear her voice.
“This better be good, Jammer, it’s three in the morning.”
Chapter 35
Charlie
“Jammer, did you hear me?” I was wondering if this was just a butt dial.
“I’m a liar.” From just those three words I could tell he was slurring.
“Are you seriously calling me at three in the morning to tell me something I already know? Get a fucking life and leave me alone!” I hung up the phone and rolled over, feeling so immediately pissed that I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep.
My phone started ringing again. I don’t know why I answered it, but I did. “What do you want now?”
“Charlie, I lied to you.” This was getting old.
“You’re drunk Jammer. You aren’t even going to remember calling me. Just go to sleep and stop calling me.” I hung up the phone and got up to go to the bathroom.
While I was relieving myself, the phone started to ring again. After four rings the voicemail had picked up. I figured he would realize I wasn’t going to answer and stop calling, but it rang once again. “What?”
“I feel like I can’t breathe.”
“Call a doctor.”
“Charlie, I’m nothing without you.”
“If you think I am going to fall for your bullshit lies you have another thing coming.” Drunk or not, this was not cool with me. He’d hurt me worse than anything in my adult life. I just wanted the pain to go away. Him calling was a reminder of what was never going to be.
“Listen to me. I lied to you, Charlie.”
“Yeah, I get it. Are you looking for me to accept this crappy apology? Jammer, you’re shitface drunk. Please leave me alone. You walked away from us. You told me you never wanted us that way. I can’t hear your voice and not hate you for what you did. You hurt me.”
I swear it sounded like he started to cry. “Please just listen to me. I hurt myself. I made a mistake. Charlie, I can’t even fuck another girl anymore. Why did you do this to me?”
If steam could have shot out of my ears, it would have been. “Don’t fucking call me again.” I hung up the phone and took the battery out.
Oh my God, had he really just talked about being with someone else. I wanted to scream and cry and throw up all at once. For three weeks I had wanted nothing more than to hear his voice and when I did he was drunk and mentioning being with someone else.
It took me two hours to finally cry myself to sleep. When I woke up I found my brother sitting on the bed beside me trying to put the battery back in my phone.
I grabbed it out of his hand reassembled it. “Good morning, Ry.”
“What happened to your phone, Charlie?”
It would be easier to tell him that flying bats dressed as clowns swooped down from the ceiling and took it, than tell him who really had called. “It kept ringing and waking me up, so I took out the battery.”
“Who was it?”
I knew why he wanted to know. Yet another reason that he was too smart for his own good. “I don’t even know. Someone that thought they were talking to someone who cared. It was some drunk guy.”
He looked down at the blanket and started playing with the corner of the fabric. “I wish Jammer would call. He said he’d teach me pool and then he just left.”
I hated that my brother was just as sad about Jammer leaving. I felt like punching him in the face if I ever saw him again.
Since Jammer had been gone, the new bartender was learning all the ins and outs of the tavern. His name was Christopher and he was very handsome. I think he must have been born from Zeus because his body was chiseled so much that he walked funny from the bulkiness of his muscles. Chris had bartended for a few local places and just wanted a change. My slow business wasn’t exactly a fun place to work. Aside from Shaun working days. It got pretty boring. Sure, we had karaoke night and the weekends had picked up significantly, but it wasn’t like it was the happening place to be.
Even with his large muscles and baby face, he was kind of a klutz and seemed like whatever steroids he was on had all gone to his head. I don’t remember ever having to replace so many glasses and bottles that had been broken while he was working.
Elle and Zach were still hot and heavy and came down almost every weekend to stay with me and Ryan. I think my place became their little weekend getaway. I didn’t mind the company and Ryan really enjoyed Zach’s company.
On weekends, Chris didn’t come in until night shift, so I managed the bar from open until dinner shift. On this particular day, Elle and Zach arrived around ten in the morning and had taken Ryan to some circus that was in town. I was allergic to something at the circus and couldn’t go without having a sneezing fit, so they volunteered. It was funny seeing them so serious about each other, being that neither of them had ever been that way before. Zach was lucky that his life had turned out so nice. I was happy for him, even as I continued to struggle day to day. At least my brother and I had a roof over our head and an income coming in. I wasn’t the best at running a business, but I was getting the hang of it.
The bar was so quiet after the lunch rush that I found myself cleaning out shelves and cabinets under the register to pass the time. I hadn’t cleaned them since I took over the place and knew they were full of junk. I usually didn’t watch television while I worked, but I turned on the television across from the bar for background noise.
Much to my surprise, Jammer had set the darn thing to record every single billiards competition that was televised. I tried to change the channel but got some warning message that frustrated me enough to toss the remote down and leave it on. I wasn’t planning on watching television anyway.
The first cabinet I cleaned out was literally full of old shit. There were coasters in there that were older than me. A bunch of paid receipts and even some vendor work orders for repairs. I put them all in a box to carry to the attic. The next cabinet at first seemed a lot like the one before it. A bunch of paperwork was shoved inside, but behind it was a jar. The jar was full of folded up pieces of paper and chips. I opened the large pickle jar and pulled one of the chips out. They said they were sobriety chips. Realizing they were my fathers, I reached in and grabbed one of the folded up pieces of paper.
Dear Charlie:
Today I earned my one year sobriety chip. You are the reason that keeps me going strong. One day I will find you and be able to tell you in person how much you
mean to me. I think about you every single day and regret the decisions that took you away from me. I know you will never read this note, but it’s part of my recovery.
Daddy loves you.
I stared at the little piece of paper and traced his words, before pulling out another one to read.
Dear Charlie:
This is the first part of my sobriety program. They say it’s good to express my feelings. I lost you because of my drinking. I hope you are safe and being taken care of. I miss you every second of the day. I miss your pretty curly hair and the sweet smile that would be looking at me when I woke every morning. You will always be my sunshine.
Love Daddy
Tears were rolling down my face as I felt my first real connection to my biological father. His love was flowing through his words and overwhelming me. I grabbed a third note and then a fourth. Each one was address to me and all of them explained how much he loved me. I held all of the notes in my hands and brought them to my chest, while continuing to cry.
Since I knew that a customer could come in at any second, I gathered the letters and put them back in the jar and closed it up. I was still sniffling when I got to the third cabinet. A shoebox that was closed was sitting right in front. I opened it up and saw a bunch of pictures that included some of Jammer. I held the pictures in my hands and looked at the father that I never knew and the man that I gave my heart to that had broken me.
Without much thought, I grabbed all of the items and threw them in the large box. I locked the front door and put a ‘be back in ten’ note on the door, before heading up to put the items in the attic.
I had only ever looked inside of the attic once. It was full of old boxes, but when I got up there this time, I felt it was necessary to look around. Most of the boxes were filled with albums. I didn’t recognize any of the people, but knew they were billiards players from the backgrounds.
When I got through a couple boxes, I saw one with Jammer’s name hidden in the corner. I almost ran toward it when I saw it. I sat Indian style and started pulling things out. There were albums with my father and both of Jammer’s parents. I flipped through more pages and saw some like the one he had showed me. I pulled the picture of me as a little girl and Jammer as a little boy out of the plastic. He was holding my hand and it had been snowing. On the back of the picture it read, “John and Lena.”
Hustle Me Page 22
