“It’s not.” He leaned forward so his elbows rested on the table and his hands folded in front of his chin. “I mean, yeah, I am attracted to you obviously and eventually I’d love to have you in my bed, but tonight was about spending time with you. I like you, even when you’re being kind of crazy.” His mouth tightened into a thin smile, and he shook his head and looked away from me. “I was trying to woo you. Apparently, I’m shitty at it.”
An elephant sat on my chest and a pack of Darth Vader’s Storm Troopers thumped their way through my stomach. I was going to vomit. It was only a matter of time. I was going to throw up all over his dinner table and the delicious lasagna he’d made. That would be an epic waste.
I had to get out of there.
“I can’t do this,” I said, hopping up from my chair.
I was already on the move for my purse by the door.
“Gemma, what’s going on?” He was up too, his voice full of concern. Hot on my trail, I thought, but looking back wasn’t an option. If I looked at him, it’d slow me down. “Gemma!”
That ball of acid was churning faster than that little coaster he’d taken me on the first time we’d gone out. Oh, man… I needed to get away from him. I could not puke right there in front of him.
“Gemma,” he called again.
My car roared to life, then jerked roughly because I’d hit the gas before it was all the way in drive and something squealed.
I didn’t care.
I was down the street and around the block when I realized I hadn’t been watching where I was going and easily could have crashed or hurt someone. Two deep, shaky breaths later, I had complete control over my car and my body.
Chapter Six
Sitting in front of my house was stupid for several reasons. The first being that I could go inside and into my own space. But then I’d be alone. It’d be too quiet and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be all alone in the silence.
Second, if Cash decided to come looking for me, this would be the first place he’d look.
Lastly, I knew I’d end up crying, which wasn’t something I was accustomed to yet. Yes, I’d done it a couple of times since my parents had gone to prison, given my newfound freedom to have my own thoughts and feelings, but I didn’t enjoy doing it. Not crying might be the one thing from my old life that I wished I could keep.
Giving Gio’s and Sal’s houses a quick once-over, everything was dark and quiet. So where could I go?
I got out of the car and made the short walk to Romano’s. Leaving my car wasn’t even an intentional decision, but once I stepped into the pizza place, I knew it was the right one. Cash wouldn’t be able to find me because I didn’t want to be found. He’d think I was hiding inside my house not talking to him and eventually he’d stop trying. That was what was best for him, even if the idea made little stabbing pain flood my chest.
Just as expected, Sal and Gio were at a table in the corner, eating and laughing. I caught Bianca taking an order on the other side, but Gio watched her even though he was talking to Sal.
Finally, his attention left his girlfriend’s ass and swept across the room, landing on me. His eyebrows pinched together right before he took a quick inventory.
He’d given me the once-over every time he saw me since I’d started working for my parents. He’d check to make sure I wasn’t physically hurt in any way.
We never talked about what I did or what he did, but whenever we saw each other, he’d scan me like he was looking for injuries.
Those scars were on the inside.
I wanted there to be a day when he’d give me the once over to see if I was happy instead of uninjured. I looked at him like that now. Now that he was happy with Bianca it was impossible not to notice it.
He waved me over, which made Sal glance over his shoulder, too.
“I thought you were with Cash tonight,” Gio said, sliding a chair over from the extras behind the short wall, out of sight.
“I was.” That was all he was getting out of me. “You aren’t working tonight?” I asked back.
“No. Joe’s on.”
I stared at the table for a full five seconds. Then my heart dropped at the thought that crossed my mind.
“What does Joe know? About you? About us? Gio! Does he—”
“Calm the fuck down, Gemma.” He handed me his glass of water, from which I took a large drink. “All he knows is that I broke Bianca’s heart. She and Gramps didn’t tell him the other stuff. As far as I know, the only people who have any idea are at this table, plus, Bianca, Bailey, and Gramps.”
“Oh, wait… Gramps.”
Logically, I knew he’d be in on everything, but the confirmation made me feel sick again. He knew and treated me the same way he did before.
I took a deep breath.
Gramps knew and didn’t treat me like a whore or horrible human being. That was good. I could live with that.
“Bianca,” Gio called out.
I watched as she set drinks down on a table, then came over to us.
“Hey, Gemma. What’s up?” she asked, looking to Gio.
He waved her in closer.
“Gemma is wondering if Joe knows.”
“No.” She snapped to her full height, which barely fell above a full-grown Romanian gymnast. He didn’t have to tell her what he was asking about. She knew. “People don’t need to know that shit.” Another table called her away right after that.
“See?” he asked, still looking at me with concern. “Are you going to tell us what’s going on?”
Sal, who sat silently in his own seat, looked at me the same way. He’d always been the quietest among us and I wondered why that was. Yes, as the oldest, he was the first his parents and ours had experimented with, sending him to do devious things at a much younger age, but there was something else there as well. Maybe it was his nature. I wasn’t sure.
Sal finally spoke up. “You had a date tonight, right?”
“Yes.”
“You’re home early.”
Embarrassment started to burn my face. I felt it creeping from my cheeks to my ears and down my neck. Though I was pretty sure, given my skin tone, it wouldn’t appear as bright as it felt.
“He made me dinner,” I mumbled, hoping they wouldn’t hear me.
“Say again?” Gio leaned in closer.
I huffed out a breath that blew my bangs off my hot forehead. “He made me dinner.”
“So I should kick his ass then?”
A small grin split my face. “Don’t make me laugh please. This isn’t funny.”
“Hey, we’re just trying to figure you out right now,” Sal said with an actual laugh. “Come on, Gemma.” He nudged my arm with his shoulder.
“Ok.” I dropped my voice. “He made me dinner. At his house. He lit candles. It was so …”
“Torturous?” Gio offered.
“Creepy?” Sal countered.
I shook my head.
“Romantic?” Gio asked more quietly.
My gaze locked with his. That was it. It was romantic. Ugh, I was such a basket case. That was all the confirmation he needed. He sighed and sat back in his chair, then had a silent conversation with Sal. I hated it when they did that.
“But that’s good, Gemma,” my brother finally said.
I shook my head again. It wasn’t good and he would never be able to understand why.
“Gemma.” Sal leaned in closer to me. “Trust me when I tell you that I understand how hard this is. Even Gio doesn’t get it in the same way, but I fucking do. I know. But I will also tell you that running away isn’t the right answer. You ran, didn’t you?”
I bit my bottom lip and gave a quick nod.
“I’m not saying you have to take whatever Cash is offering—”
“Actually, you shouldn’t.” Gio leaned in with us.
“What I’m saying is,” Sal continued with a stern look to Gio, “it’s OK to let someone in if you like them, Gemma. It sounds like that’s all he was trying to do.”
>
“Yeah.” Gio cleared his throat softly. “Sal and I had to do a bunch of shit that was disguised as romantic to get a girl to do what we were told. But I’m going to guess you didn’t do anything like that because guys are assholes and if you made yourself available, they were taking without asking, am I right?”
This was the first truly honest conversation we’d had about our jobs, but fuck, he’d hit the nail on the head. My mouth slightly gaped but no words came out, so I nodded instead.
“That’s what I thought.” He sighed again. I knew this wasn’t the most comfortable topic for any of us, but I needed these guys.
“You’re going to have to figure out how to let someone you like be nice to you, Gemma,” Sal said honestly. “It’s easier once you do. I swear to that.”
Suddenly, Gio snapped back and cleared his throat more loudly as he nodded toward the door. I glanced over my shoulder to find Cash, his hands jammed into his pockets staring straight at me. I didn’t know if he’d come here looking for me or if it was a coincidence, but he saw me now and I couldn’t avoid it.
“Just be careful,” Gio whispered. “I will kick his ass if I have to.”
I couldn’t get my legs to work, but it turned out I didn’t need to. Cash took several long strides until he was looming over me at our table. After nodding a greeting to Gio and Sal, he spoke to me quietly. “Can we talk?”
I looked to Sal, who winked at me, the asshole. He was such an awkward winker that I wanted to laugh and that had probably been his intention. Gio nudged my leg under the table.
I had their support, but what I really wanted was for them to do all of this for me. Not only the coming conversation but figuring out a relationship with Cash, too. They’d made their way through the bullshit to find the loves of their lives. Had it been as hard for them as it was for me? I doubted it.
“Sure,” I answered, pushing myself up from the table.
We didn’t get the chance to move away, though, before someone called out his name. He grimaced, then turned toward the sound with a smile.
“Hey, Grandpa,” Cash said.
Joe was already only two steps away from us. He reached out to hug Cash and Cash went willingly. It was all kinds of adorable.
“What’s been keeping you busy, grandson?” Joe asked once they broke apart. “Haven’t seen you at the farm.”
“That’s because you’re never there at five o’clock in the morning,” Cash said. The guys laughed.
I knew Joe worked at Romano’s because he and Gramps had been friends for decades and once Joe had retired he’d wanted something to do. I hadn’t known he also helped out on his daughter’s farm.
“That’s true,” said Joe. “I’ve never been a morning person.”
“Unfortunately, me either,” said Cash. Then like he just realized I was standing there, Cash turned his body so he wasn’t blocking me anymore. “You’ve met Gemma, right?”
“‘Course. How are you?”
I smiled and said hi back because I had no idea how I was doing.
“Ok, well, I’ve got pizza to make and I can see what’s been keeping you busy,” Joe said. “But I’d better see you for more than ten minutes soon.”
“Sure, Grandpa.”
“I’m serious, Cash. I’m an old man. Who knows how much time I’ve got left.”
“Oh, right.” Bailey snorted from behind him. “You and Gramps will outlive us all. Jordan asked me to come out and find you. Seems like he’s having some trouble with the oven.”
Joe rolled his eyes. “That kid doesn’t know the oven from his asshole.”
“Ew.” I laughed. “I don’t want him making my pizza then.”
Everyone around me laughed. But then Joe headed back to the kitchen and I had nothing left to distract Cash. I had no choice but to follow him. I mean, I had a choice, but I liked Cash, liked spending time with him, so I had to go talk to him.
He didn’t stop until he found an unoccupied bench that sat back from the sidewalk enough to give us a little of privacy. It wasn’t far enough away that I couldn’t use pedestrians as a way to not look Cash in the eye, though.
“Want to tell me what that was all about?” he asked, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking back at me.
“Not really.”
At least I was honest.
His jaw tightened, then he looked back out at the water as he ran his hands roughly through his hair and got up to pace in front of me. The sun had started to set. The sky was beautifully brushed with strokes of pink and blue. The scene before us was a direct contrast to the dark storm I felt inside of me right then.
It was fear.
What was I afraid of? Telling Cash my story? No, because that wasn’t something I was sharing. I was afraid that Cash was going to walk away from me because he thought I was crazy. Or too much trouble. I was a lot of trouble after all.
“OK.” He drew the word out. “Can you at least tell me what I did wrong?” He sat back next to me.
I continued to avoid looking right at him and instead focused out on the water.
“Nothing, Cash. I swear. You did nothing wrong. It’s me. I’m … all messed up inside.”
“But what does that mean, Gemma?”
I bit my lips together.
“Ok. So do you not want to see me anymore?”
“No!” The word burst from my mouth like I couldn’t say it fast enough.
That was the exact opposite of what I wanted.
How do you tell a guy that you’ve never had anything good in your life until you met him?
How much pressure does that put on a person? A shit ton. I didn’t want to freak him out, even if I was totally freaked out.
“I don’t want that,” I said more normally.
“So is it lasagna you’re morally opposed to?”
This time I giggled. “No. The lasagna was delicious actually.”
“Then what? You’ve got to give me something because I don’t know which way is up with you right now.” He sighed. “And I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to make the wrong move and you’ll run but for good. Because I like you, I don’t want that, Gemma.”
Sal’s voice echoed in my brain. It’d be easier once I did it, but I couldn’t lay everything out for him all at once. And then Gio’s words were meant to remind me that I was allowed to go after something you wanted. Something good and Cash was something good.
“I freaked out.”
He snorted because yeah, that much was obvious. I rolled my eyes and held up a hand to stop him in case he was going to speak.
“I know. Obviously. You’re going to get so sick of hearing these words from me, but I’m not used to this. I’m not used to anyone doing something nice for me. The dinner, the candles—just all of it. It overwhelmed me and I ran. I thought I was going to throw up and I didn’t want to do it right there in your house.”
“Because of me?”
“Yes. But not the way you’re thinking. I just… There was a weight on my chest and I didn’t know how to handle it.” My eyes filled with tears. I needed to stop shutting him out because eventually he wouldn’t try to get back in.
Cash reached out and ran his hand down the back of my head to my back.
“How about next time you’re overwhelmed you talk to me?”
I didn’t know if I could do that, but I knew I could try. And I told him that.
I sent a text so Sal and Gio would know that I was fine and headed home. Cash drove me while telling me everywhere he’d gone looking for me. At first he thought I wasn’t answering the door because my car was there, but when he banged on both Sal’s and Gio’s houses with no result he knew I was likely with them at Romano’s.
He kissed me goodnight, softly and quickly, probably because he didn’t want me to spazz out like I had earlier. It was nice. I felt cared for. Something else that was totally new to me.
Two nights later, Friday, Cash and I hung out. It was easy. We ate pizza and talked and watched stupid cooki
ng shows on Food Network. And we kissed. A lot.
There was a point where I was lying on the couch with him on top of me and I thought he might make his move. I’d thought about this long and hard since dinner at his house earlier in the week and I knew I wasn’t going to make the first move toward sex. I was well-equipped to make that move, but determining the social cues that meant it acceptable was where I struggled, so I was going to wait.
But I had decided that when he did moved in that direction, I was going to let it happen. Because I wanted to. Because sex with my boyfriend was normal. And because I had the control to say no if I changed my mind.
His lips worked magic against mine and his tongue was like a gift from the kissing gods. Yes, I knew the kiss felt better because of how much I liked this guy, but he was a talented kisser, technically. It wasn’t sloppy but still had the perfect amount of wetness.
His tongue stroked mine with a sensual pressure; it didn’t dart in and out of my mouth like it was playing whack-a-mole. But it was his hands I was paying attention to. They gripped my hips, but his thumbs stroke the skin right above the waist of my shorts.
Touching me with gentle strokes that burned my skin.
Then his hands skated up my stomach, still running small circles toward my ribs.
My breath caught in my throat. The sound stilled his hands. Ugh, I hadn’t wanted that reaction. But instead of continuing, he slowed the kiss and brought it to an end.
Now I was frustrated.
So in the moment I decided to scrap everything I’d said before about waiting for him. My shaking fingers reached for the button on his jeans like it was a magnet and my fingers were the polar opposites. I popped that thing before he could even register what I was doing. My tongue darted out, moistening my lips as I tried to free the erection I’d been feeling against my leg.
Cash wrapped his fingers around my wrists right after I got the zipper down. I looked up at him quickly. He couldn’t be serious.
“Don’t,” he said softly.
I smirked back at him. “I’m really good at it.”
He chuckled back. “I don’t doubt that, but I think we should talk.”
What was it with this guy? Now he made it awkward.
Love by the Rules (Harbor Point Book 3) Page 6
