by Kimber White
I’d been warned. My grandfather had said the wolf would kill me. He called me by my name just before that and seemed to sense something different about me as he said it. Still, one seemingly lucid moment could mean nothing. Luke himself warned me. He told me I should stay away. That it was dangerous for me here. But, with each step I took toward him, it felt like the right thing to do. I needed to be near him. My fingers trembled as I slid them out of my glove. I’d run my fingers through Luke’s coarse hair; now I wanted to touch the thick, silver fur.
Luke stood at the apex of a large hill to the north of the property. I made it nearly to the top so we were standing almost eye to eye. He looked at me with those keenly intelligent green eyes. Though the wolf stood before me, the man hovered just below the surface. I reached out my hand and touched him. Luke stiffened. The hairs at the crown of his head and along his spine stood on end. He pressed his ears flat. I took another step, then another, until I stood beside him.
Luke let out a whine that sent a shiver straight through me. He jolted backward then dropped his head low, arching his back until his snout nearly touched his front paws. The fur along his back was silver and gray except for four black stripes that ran in parallel lines. The same scars that marred his flesh in human form.
I sank to my knees in front of him and reached out to run my hands along the dome of his head. He took another step forward and let me. We stayed there for a moment. I held his head in my hands. He panted and I marveled at his powerful jaw, the hard bones of his skull and corded muscles of his haunches. He was beautiful. Perfect. Deadly.
“Luke,” I whispered. He let out a chuff and pawed the ground. “Come to me.”
He pawed the ground again and pulled himself away from me. He stepped backward and swung his head low again. I felt a charge in the air that covered me in gooseflesh as I waited to witness the raw power of his shift.
But something happened when he tried. His muscles bunched and rolled. His fur rose up then fell flat again. He whined and sidestepped. His head lolled to the side. When he looked up at me, his green eyes dulled with pain. Oh, God. I felt his pain. He was in agony. His bones ached, blood roared through him as though it had caught fire.
On instinct, I went to him. I pulled him to me, laying one hand beneath his jaw, the other flat against his chest. I held his head and kept my eyes locked with his. “Luke? Come back. Please? Don’t leave me. Stay here. I need you.”
Luke’s eyes watered and he bared his fangs, but he didn’t break my gaze and he didn’t pull away.
“Listen to me,” I said. “Stay with me. I’m right here. I won’t leave.”
Luke went rigid. It seemed he might turn to stone before he became a man again. But, I held on. I kept my eyes locked with his and one hand pressed against his heart. It beat in time with mine. First, he controlled the rhythm and it was wild and erratic. Then, something came over me and I knew what to do. I concentrated on slowing my breathing. In and out. Slow and steady. I said his name over and over again, never letting him look away from me.
He suffered. That was plain. His eyes stayed clouded and the muscles beneath my fingers contorted. I heard bones popping and a sickening wet sound as Luke willed his body to obey him. To obey me.
Then slowly. Painfully. He began the shift again. My heartbeat threatened to explode inside my chest, but I stayed strong for the both of us. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew without me he wouldn’t make it back. Whatever turmoil he fought, he needed me to anchor him.
Then, he reared up and back, his spine bowed to a grotesque angle, then finally straightened. With a last gasp, his shoulders spread and the silvery fur receded until there was nothing left but his tanned, glistening, perfect flesh.
Luke crumpled to the ground at my feet, gasping my name.
Chapter Nine
“Luke!” I dropped to the ground and gathered him to me, cradling his head in my lap. He trembled, and sweat poured off him as he clung to me. “Shh. Oh, Luke.”
I curled myself over him, caressing his back as he lay naked in the snow. He looked up at me, his hair plastered to his forehead, his eyes red-rimmed but clear. He was himself. The wolf within had quieted for now.
“Tamryn.” His voice was low and ragged, and the agony it carried tore at my heart.
“What happened? What was that?”
He shut his eyes tight and took a deep breath. Then he took a few more. After about a minute, his trembling stopped and he slowly brought himself to a sitting position.
“Come with me,” I said, looking back toward the house. My grandfather was still fast asleep, so we had a little bit of time. I had a fearful vision of the old man waking up and seeing me on the hill with a strange, naked man and losing his mind altogether. The shotguns and sharp objects were locked up, but just having him running at Luke through the snow would be enough to cause a crisis.
We rose together. I led Luke to the shed out behind the house where Grandpa kept his tools and hunting equipment. At the very least, it would get us out of the wind and Luke could put on a pair of Grandpa’s snow pants, not that I minded the view.
I latched the door behind us and Luke grabbed a pair of Grandpa’s camo hunting pants off a hook on the wall. Trembling, he pulled them up over his legs. Twice he had to reach out and put a hand on the wooden workbench to steady himself. His whole body shook and sweat poured off him. Finally, he zipped the pants and turned to me.
“Are you all right? What happened?”
Luke leaned against the workbench and tried to give me a reassuring smile. “I shifted not long after you left.”
It took a moment for his words to sink in. Three days. It had been three days since I’d last seen Luke.
“Do you mean you haven’t been . . . uh . . . Luke for three days?”
“Is that when I saw you last? I wasn’t sure. It didn’t seem that long. I’m losing track. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come down here. I’m putting you at risk.”
“At risk of what?”
Luke ran his hands through his hair and kept them there, resting on the crown of his head. His fingers had steadied and with each second that passed, he seemed stronger, more himself. “Tamryn, I told you. It’s getting harder. Harder to be me.”
I didn’t like the look in his eyes. He kept his gaze down and to the right of me, not wanting to make eye contact. I stepped forward and grabbed his wrists, pulling them down off his head. I tilted my face toward his and made him look at me.
“Did you think you were coming here to tell me goodbye or something? Are you leaving?”
His eyes gave me all the answer I needed. My heart flipped. Luke couldn’t leave. Not yet. I don’t know why the thought of it sent me into a near panic, but it did.
“Tell me what’s going on. What’s wrong with you?”
He put his head down and jerked his wrists out of my grasp but still wouldn’t answer me.
“Luke, why are you out here all alone? What happened to the rest of your pack?” Pain filled his eyes and I wondered if perhaps the answer lay in the deep wounds across his back. But, before I could follow that line of thought, Luke finally looked up at me and answered.
“I left them. I can’t . . . I can’t be part of a pack right now. It’s too hard. I came here to be alone. To think. To see what’s left of me that’s still human.”
His voice dropped low and went rough, tearing at my heart. I thought I’d have to drag more answers out of him, but once Luke started, his story poured out of him. He began to pace in the short space of the shed. I couldn’t follow everything he said. He seemed to be talking to himself as much as to me, trying to justify whatever terrible thing he thought he did.
“I was gone for a long time. Ten years. More. I can’t even remember. I thought I was doing the right thing. Our father taught us to stay loyal to each other. He was my brother. I didn’t know what he’d become.”
“Luke, it’s all right. Tell me what happened to your brother.”
Luk
e looked at me with a hauntingly familiar expression. It was similar to the way my grandfather looked at me. Like he was seeing someone else in front of him instead of me. My heart lurched. On instinct, I reached out a hand and placed it on Luke’s chest. The physical connection seemed to settle him, and when he looked up, I knew he was seeing me again.
“My brother Asher challenged our pack’s Alpha. He lost. He was given a choice. Stay and die, or leave and never come back to Wild Lake. Never come back to Michigan. The noble thing would have been for him to accept death. It’s what we’re taught to do. But, instead, he decided to splinter off and start a pack of his own. And he got so many people to follow him. Asher wanted a pack war, but those who went with him agreed to the terms and went quietly. Sort of. I followed him. I wanted to stay, but he was my brother. In my head, it seemed like the right thing to do. But I should have listened to my heart. I knew from the very beginning there was something wrong with him. He was . . . twisted somehow. Always wanting revenge against those he thought tried to hurt him. He was never satisfied that we were loyal to him. Every day was some new test he thought up to make us prove it. God, he never even gave us a chance to grow to respect him as Alpha. He wouldn’t listen to anybody.”
“He made you do things? Things you didn’t want to do?” I tried to grasp everything he was saying.
Luke nodded furiously. “Tamryn, I swear. I tried to stop him. So many times. And not just me. God. We did nearly go to war for him. It still wasn’t enough. So finally, he knew the only way he could keep the pack in line was if he forced us into our wolves. But, he wouldn’t let us shift back. Ever. It does things to us. There’s a balance. I’m not all man or all wolf. Or at least, I didn’t used to be. God, it’s so much easier as the wolf.” His eyes widened as his mind took him to someplace in his past. Some scene played out in his mind that I could never reach. Then, Luke grew quiet.
“But you got away from him,” I said. Sliding my hands up his chest, I threaded my fingers through the thick curls at the nape of his neck. “Whatever happened, it’s over. Right? I mean, you’re here now. You’re free of him?”
Luke slowly closed his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be free. But, yes. Asher’s gone.”
I didn’t understand a lot of what he was trying to tell me, except for the thing that probably mattered the most. Whatever happened before he came to the cabin on the edge of Wild Lake, he’d spent far too much time in his wolf.
“Why couldn’t you shift back just now?” I smoothed the hair away from his face. Luke’s eyes traveled over me. Then he shut them tight and let out a hard breath.
“I don’t know,” he finally answered. “It’s just getting harder and harder. This time, I didn’t think I was going to make it.”
I smiled. “Shh. I brought you back, didn’t I?”
Luke’s eyes snapped open and he closed his hands around my wrist. I went up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. A groan escaped from his lips that sent a shiver through me, awakening that delicious ache between my thighs. I shouldn’t have done that. Luke was on the edge of control, struggling against his baser instincts. Except, I was too. As much as he fought to tame his wild side, he seemed to bring out the wildness in me. If he was near me, I wanted him touching me. If he weren't, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Luke slid a hand around my waist and pulled me close. His breath came ragged and he kissed me hard. I melted into him. Arching my back, I let him run his hands up along my rib cage. I wanted to tear off my jacket and feel his hot hands along my skin.
“I want you,” he whispered against my cheek.
“I know.”
“But you’re not ready.”
Time seemed to stand still as Luke pulled away. He searched my face, his eyes shining. His words were a question and a statement as he waited for me to say something.
“Not here,” I finally answered. “Not yet.” I lowered myself to my heels and stepped out of his embrace.
He smiled and leaned back against the workbench, planting his hands flat on the shelf behind him. “I don’t want to need you as much as I do,” he said. “It’s not fair to you.”
“Luke. I don’t know what’s happening to me. When I’m around you, I feel like I’m drowning in you. I can’t think straight. I’m trying so hard to do whatever the right thing is. Is this . . . normal?”
He flashed that devastating smile. God. I ached for him. I wanted the world to melt away leaving just the two of us. Nothing else seemed to matter. His low, sultry laugh sent a wicked shudder through me. I wanted to just say “fuck it” and tear off my clothes.
“Hell if I know what normal is, Tamryn. You think you’re not having a similar effect on me? But, I don’t want to hurt you. I’d rather die than do that. Jesus. I know what the right thing is. I should clear out, go back up north or to the Yukon or to the ends of the earth. The last thing you need is a fucked-in-the-head werewolf complicating your life.”
“The thing is, you’re kind of the only thing in my life that makes any sense right now. So I don’t know which one of us is the more fucked-up.”
That got hearty laughter from him. He pushed himself off the bench and pulled me back in his arms. His warmth spread through me, making me ache with longing. I never wanted him to let me go. I tilted my head up toward his. He looked down at me with the first genuine smile I’d seen on him in . . . well . . . ever. I felt his steady heartbeat flood into me.
“That!” I pulled away a little but stayed in his arms. “You’re doing that, aren’t you? I can feel you, Luke. Is that normal?”
His eyes grew dark, but he didn’t answer at first. When he did, he stumbled over his words a little. “It’s uh, it’s a werewolf thing.”
If he thought that would placate me, it didn’t. But something in his eyes told me not to press him. Luke had shown me his vulnerable side today, and I didn’t want to risk hurting him by pushing him anymore. I don’t know what made me do it, but I picked that moment to share perhaps my most intimate secret.
“I want you too. So much I can’t think straight. It’s just . . . God. This is a little embarrassing. It would be my first time.”
He went rigid as he held me, but didn’t pull away. His wolf flared in his eyes and for an instant, I felt him start to shift. But, he got control of it and leaned down to kiss the top of my head.
“Wow,” he said, and his warm smile came back. “And here I thought I was fucked-up.”
I slapped at his chest. “Don’t tease me.”
A noise rumbled through his chest that seemed part growl and part laughter. “Don’t tempt me.” The insinuation shocked me a little and sent a wave of heat straight to my core. God, he did bring out something wild in me.
I think I would have stayed in that shed with him all day. But, light flickered toward the house and I saw the back door swing open. Grandpa stepped out on the back porch and cupped his hand over his brow as he scanned the woods. He pulled his bathrobe closed against the wind. Luke turned then ducked low so he wouldn’t be seen if Grandpa looked toward the shed.
“Shit,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, but I think you’d better hide out here for a few minutes then go. Seeing you is going to agitate him again.”
“Right,” Luke said. “You sure you’ve got everything under control out here? This storm probably won’t let up for a few days yet.”
“We’re good. Plenty of fuel in the generator and the fridge is stocked.”
Luke nodded. “Good. I’m still going to stay close though.”
I pulled on one of the belt loops of his snow pants to get his attention. “You mean it?”
Luke looked down at me and smiled. “Yeah. I mean it.”
I went up on the balls of my feet and kissed him. Luke took a step back and banged his head loudly on one of the fishing poles hanging above him.
“Shh!” I pressed my finger to my lips through my laughter. I grabbed another pair of snow pants from the hook on the wall and opened the door. I backed out and gave
Luke a wide-eyed stare, warning him to stay low and keep quiet until I could get Grandpa back in the house.
“Out here, Gramps” I yelled, waving the pants above my head. “I was just looking for something warmer to wear. I’m trying to shovel the four-wheeler out of the snow.”
Grandpa smiled and nodded before he turned to go back inside the house. I shuffled along after him, leaving deep tracks in the snow. When I got to the house, I turned one last time toward the shed. Luke had already exited. He crouched low and ran up the hill. Even in human form, he still had blazing speed as he made his way to the tree line and disappeared.
I turned and closed the French doors to the porch. Grandpa had settled back into his chair with a wistful smile on his face. I chanced one last look toward the woods as I latched the doors. Through the keening wind, I heard a howl that sent heat shooting straight to my toes.
Chapter Ten
The storm let up just in time for the weekend. As cooped up as we’d been, Grandpa’s spirits seemed high. Weather notwithstanding, he’d had his longest stretch of good days since I came back to Oodena to care for him. He looked forward to Founder’s Day and actually whistled his way through his morning coffee the morning it finally arrived.
“Wait until you see what I saved for you,” he said right after he downed the last of his cup. “Your mother used to wear it. She hated it, of course, but boy was she stunning in it.”
“Oh?”
He had a mischievous twinkle in his eye that pulled at my heart. Here was the Wyatt Redbird my mom used to tell me about. The one who went through town with lollipops in his coat pockets for the kids.
Grandpa made a great show of rummaging through the attic and tromping downstairs. I gasped at what he brought me as a memory long forgotten flooded through me, taking my breath away. He held a tanned leather skirt and poncho with ornate beading. It had belonged to my mother. A scene flashed in my head of her wearing it with a feathered headband, her flaming red hair tucked behind her in a knot.
