“What do we do now?” I asked her. “I imagine your parents are going to be pissed.”
“You have no idea but I don't care. I could never forgive them for this. They took an entire chunk of my life away.”
“What about your fiancé?” That question stopped her. She climbed off my lap, a worried look on her face. Did she love him? She'd told me they were friends and that she intended to marry him, maybe that hadn't changed. She was putting her clothes back on while I sat there watching, stunned, trying to figure out what she was thinking.
“Chinda, what about Charlie?” I asked again.
“I don't know. I have to talk to him though.”
“You can't be considering marrying him still?” I questioned and hated the anger that I felt building.
“I don't know, Elijah. I don't want to fight. I just got you back. I have to talk to Charlie. Come with me,” she said, holding out her hand. I was still naked and confused.
“Do you love him, Chinda? If you do, I'll walk away. I know he's been with you all this time.” What was I saying? I wouldn't walk away. I'd fight until the day I died to be with her.
“I do love him but not like you think. He's gay, Elijah. I'm sort of his cover. His family would never accept him. He'd be disowned and left broke if it ever got out. I can't just walk away from him, plus he's all Aaron knows and he loves him.” She sat on the couch and looked at me. I had two choices, either I could demand she leave with me, to hell with Charlie and his family, like a real asshole or I would go talk to him with her and figure this shit out. He'd clearly taken good care of them, so I guess I owed him something. I put my clothes back on and held my hand out to her. “Come on then. Introduce me to Charlie.” She smiled up at me, making my heart melt. Jesus, I was a sap around her. I was losing my man card slowly but surely with her.
“Where is Aaron?” I asked as we walked back through the house. I'd assumed he wasn't home the moment she asked me to follow her further into the house. I didn't think she'd chance the boy seeing me until she figured shit out. I was right.
“He's still at camp. Eight more days then he'll be home.” She pulled me upstairs and through the halls until we were in a theater room. I saw the figure of Charlie near the center of the room. “Charlie?” Chinda called out. He didn't answer or move. She let go of my hand. Something felt wrong to me and clearly she felt it too. She rushed over to the man sitting in the theater chair, Terms of Endearment playing on the screen. “Charlie, Charlie wake up! Jesus, Elijah call 9-1-1. I think he's overdosed. Hurry.
Chapter Twelve
I ran through the maze of a house searching for a phone. I finally made it to a hallway where an old rotary phone sat on a small table. I dialed the number as quickly as the ancient phone would let me.
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
“Umm, we need an ambulance. Oh shit, I don’t know the address.” If I wasn’t panicking before I was now.
I took a guess as to who owned the house “I’m at the Miller estate in the Kings neighborhood.”
“We have the address, sir. Help is on the way.”
“Great, thank you.” I hung up, without thinking and ran back to where I’d left Chinda. She was sitting in the seat beside him, watching the movie. She was perfectly still. “Chinda? Baby?” I said softly, approaching her. She sat with his hand in hers, tears pouring down her face, yet she watched the movie. In her lap was a piece of paper. I sat beside her.
“Help is on the way,” I told her, although there was no help for Charlie, but it helped to think there was.
“He’s gone, Elijah.” Her voice was soft and cracked when she spoke but she tried to sound sure.
“I know, baby,” I said and kissed her forehead. I took the paper from her lap and looked at her. “Go ahead, read it,” she said, still unmoving.
My Dearest Kendra,
I’m going to call you Kendra because that’s the girl I know. So, baby girl, what are we going to do now? I know what I’m going to do. I’m dancing up above drinking wine and hanging out with Jesus and his dad. I know, despite my love of men and choice to end my life, that I’ll be let into Heaven. They will forgive me and understand just as you will, Kendra.
Now, I know you and the first thing you’re going to do is blame yourself. Don’t! You didn’t turn me gay. It is what it is. I can’t marry you and pretend to be straight. It’s too hard to pretend. I also can’t live openly as a gay man. The world isn’t ready to handle that from me, it could barely handle me straight. You know that. I have lived a good life and I have loved deeply. I am in a good place, baby girl, and I’m happy now. Please know that. Now, you go be happy because you deserve that not to mention, he’s a cutie! If I were alive you might have some competition.
I love you, Kendra. Now go be happy and love, live and get out from under your parents! Show Aaron a different life.
Love you forever,
Charlie
PS. tell the coroner it’s a heart attack. This will be our secret. Now, watch this tear jerker with me while we wait for the ambulance.
I folded the letter up just as a booming noise came from the front of the house. “Heart attack right? This is between you, me and Charlie,” she said, looking pleadingly at me.
“Of course, baby. I’ll go get them.”
I found the paramedics at the front door and led them to Charlie. It wasn’t until they began moving Charlie to the stretcher that Chinda moved. She came to me and fell into my arms, sobbing uncontrollably. She’d held it together, sitting with him, watching the movie as he’d ask. She couldn’t hold in the sobs anymore. She watched them load his lifeless body into the ambulance then pull away.
She walked back into the house and collapsed, right there in the entryway. I picked her up and carried her to the first room I saw. I sat on a couch and held her in my lap. She didn’t talk. She just cried and I let her. At least twenty minutes passed before the sobs slowed and her body slowly stopped trembling. She pulled away and looked at me. Her normally crystal blue eyes were blood shot and puffy. The tip of her nose was bright red. I wanted to take her pain away, but I couldn’t. Only time could take it away.
“What do you need from me?” I asked her.
“Nothing, what you’re doing is perfect. I have to call Frankie, his sister,” she announced before climbing off my lap. She went straight to a phone in the corner and picked it up. A few seconds later she began to speak.
“Frankie, it’s me. His heart has given up. Charlie passed away tonight. The paramedics just left. Yes, can you please call your parents? No, I’m okay. Are you okay? Do you need me to come over? Okay, I will see you tomorrow. Frankie? I love you.” I heard another sob catch in her throat towards the end but she held it in.
“She okay?” I asked.
“No, but she will be. She doesn’t need to know the truth. That has to stay between us okay, Elijah?”
“Of course. He’s young though, too young for a heart attack.”
“He has a heart condition. It’s always been a possibility. Nobody will question it.”
“What if they do a test and find drugs in his system?” I asked, worried.
“He knows what to use,” she said simply. It was as though they’d discussed this before. What to do if, type thing.
“How?” I asked and realize I could have sounded a little more sensitive but I needed to understand.
“He takes heart medication; too much or too little would stop his heart,” she said it so easily, as though it were something she’d expected. “No one will question his passing. That’s the way he wanted it so that’s the way it will stay.” She sat on the couch, her expression neutral. Her eyes dry. “You need to leave now.” I wasn’t expecting that.
“What? No fucking way. I’m not leaving you. I’m never leaving you again.” I sat beside her and draped my arm around her shoulder. A show of solidarity on my part. She pulled away. Her face that had been so broken only moments before now was shadowed with anger.
; “You need to leave I said. Now,” she ordered. Her voice barely below a yell. She stood from the couch and walked away from me, turning her back.
“Chinda, what are you saying? I won’t leave you. I know you’re upset but I’ll help you through this.”
“Shut up, Elijah! You don’t know me. You knew her and I’m not that girl anymore. I can’t do this with you.” She was screaming now but her back was still to me.
“Do what, Chinda?”
“This!” She waved her arms around in a sweeping motion. “Pretend that we are still those stupid teenagers in love. We are different, both of us and I can’t do this.” She turned to face me now, her blue eyes hard and distant. She was hurting. Grieving. She was trying to push me away. I couldn’t let her do that.
“I love you. The old you. The new you. All of you. I won’t leave,” I said softly but firmly. I walked over to her and grabbed her arms. Her head remained high, her eyes boring holes into me. “I am saying this for the last time, leave. Charlie was my best friend, and he’s dead because of the love I thought I had for you. A stupid, silly teenage love. It’s time I grew up and it’s time you left.” She pulled her arms from my grip and walked out of the room, leaving me stunned. I wanted to chase after her. Beg her not to do this, but I knew she was speaking from her pain. She’d come around. She needed time, and I’d give it to her.
I left her that night fully intending to see her the next day. She just needed to be alone. It was a normal emotion to blame herself. When I went to see her early the next morning, she wasn’t there. I went every day for the next five days, she wasn’t there. I tried all hours of the day, thinking I’d missed her. I hadn’t. She was gone without a word. I’d lost her for a second time.
I read the paper every day. I looked for Charlie’s funeral announcement. It never appeared. On the sixth day I went to her house, one last time and felt a twinge of anxiety when I saw a car parked in the driveway. She was back. There was still a chance. I parked the car and ran to the front door. Before I could knock it flung open. I opened my mouth to greet her. To fling as many words at her as I could to convince her our love was real. When I looked up though, it wasn’t Chinda’s eyes I met. These eyes were dark and sad. It was the girl I’d seen her with in Portland.
“Hey, Elijah,” she said quietly.
“Uh, hi. I’m sorry I don’t,” I began but she cut me off. “I’m Frankie, Charlie’s sister.” She held her hand out for me to shake. “Nice to meet you again, Frankie. I’m sorry for your loss.” She smiled a little in thanks before we stood in awkward silence. She finally broke the tension with her words. The words that cut right through my fucking chest and sliced their way down to my gut. “She’s gone.”
“What do you mean gone?” I asked, feeling my heart rate kick up a notch.
“I mean she packed her and Aaron’s things and left. She didn’t tell anyone where they were going. She just left.”
“Fuck,” I screamed and kicked the loose brick that was lying on the edge of the porch. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” A tidal wave of emotions washed over me nearly knocking me to the ground. So many emotions wrapped up like a gift with a tiny little bow that once opened wreaked havoc on my soul. I was melting down as the pain overtook me. I bent over at the waist to catch my breath, which was coming fast, and I felt close to hyperventilating. I felt a gentle touch on my back just as the dam broke and hot tears filled my eyes, and my body was racked with sobs.
“Elijah, she’ll be back. She just needs time. I know she loves you, hell, I knew it before she ever did and so did Charlie. Please just be patient.” Her hand rubbed my back, and her gravelly voice tried to soothe me, but it just fueled the anger inside me.
I stood up and wiped the dampness from my face. I was done crying. I was done waiting. I looked at the tall woman with raven hair and soft eyes that were trying to comfort me. “If you hear from her tell her to fuck off! I’ve spent the last ten years of my life in mourning because I thought she was dead. Then she waltzes back into my life like it’s nothing then waltzed right back out without even a fuck you, Elijah and with my son! She never gave me a chance to meet my son! So, I’m done wanting and missing her. Goodbye, Frankie, nice knowing you,” I said with a sarcastic wave goodbye. I got in my car and drove away from it all. From Chinda, the memories, the lies, the pain. I left it all behind.
Chapter Thirteen
I called Elsie on my way to the airport and told her to get a hold of our manager. We needed to get the L.A. show rescheduled. I needed to be with my band. My sister. I needed to feel the music. I needed to feel the energy of the crowd. I always found a calming peace on stage even when I was under the influence. It was the one place I could let go. I was barking orders when Elsie yelled my name. “Elijah, listen to me!” She screamed into the phone. I pinched the bridge of my nose in annoyance.
“What,” I snapped back.
“Look, I don’t know everything that happened down in Florida, and if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay, but you need to calm down. You’re barking orders at me like I’m a fucking dog! Shit!” She finished, and I wanted to feel bad. I usually hated it when Elsie was pissed at me, and she seemed to be pissed a lot lately.
“No, Elsie, I don’t need to calm down. I need to be on stage. I need to feel the music. I need to be Elijah Briston, the fucking rock star who parties and fucks random chicks. That’s what I need, not to calm down,” I yelled back at her.
“You know what, bro, I’m done with your bullshit!”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“That means, I’m done being your mama, your sister, your conscience, and your fucking bass player. You’re on your own, little brother. I’m done!” She hung up on me. I sat there with the phone to my ear, the annoying tone blaring in my ear. Stunned, that was an accurate description. Did my sister just quit the band? I dialed her number again. It rang and rang and rang before I heard a man’s voice on the other end.
“Hello,” Christian said, his voice low and irritated.
“Chris? Where’s Elsie?” I demanded.
“Dude, she’s really upset right now. She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? She always talks to me!” I couldn’t believe this. Through all the years, Elsie was the only constant I’d always had. About five years after Chinda died, our parents were killed when they were hit by a drunk driver while riding their bike through Oregon. Elsie was all I had left and I was all she had. We always stuck together.
“Shit, just put her on the phone. Please.” I heard him yell for her and I hear the response, “Tell him to go to hell.”
“She’s really pissed, dude. She said she’s done with the band.”
“Yeah, I thought that’s what she said. Is she serious?”
“I think so, bro. Look she has shit going on right now just give her time to figure it out,” he said and I actually laughed at him. She had shit going on?
“Oh really, she can’t decide how high to tease her hair today? What the fuck does she have to worry about? I have shit going on! She has no fucking idea what it’s like to deal with shit!” I was getting angry again.
“Look, Elijah, you’re my friend and bandmate but don’t ever talk to me like that again and don’t ever talk about Elsie like that. She’s always been there for you, dude, and maybe she needs you to be there for her.” He was trying stay even keeled. I could hear restraint in his deep voice. It didn’t matter. I was short tempered and looking for a fight.
“Elsie doesn’t have real problem, Christian, and neither do you so fuck you! Now put Elsie on the phone, asshole!”
“Fuck you, Elijah!” He began, his voice no longer restrained. “You’re a selfish dick you know that? She’s always been at your beck and call through your alcohol and drug sprees, dragging your sorry ass away from whores to play a show, most of which you could barely stand up for. Always covering for you, pushing you to do better, just fucking being there for you and what do you do for her?�
� He paused, waiting for me to say something I assumed. I couldn’t.
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