Lucky Jim

by Kingsley Amis

  ‘Yet by, and by, they’ll arl, deny, arnd say ’twas bart in jast,’ Goldsmith sang tremulously and very loudly. It was the last phrase; Dixon kept his mouth open while Welch’s finger remained aloft, then shut it with a little flick of the head he’d seen singers use as the finger swept sideways. All seemed pleased with the performance and anxious for another of the same sort. ‘Yes, well, this next one’s what they called a ballet. Of course, they didn’t mean what we mean by the similar . . . Rather a well-known one, this. It’s called Now is the Month of Maying. Now if you’ll all just . . .’

  A bursting snuffle of laughter came from Dixon’s left rear. He glanced round to see Johns’s pallor rent by a grin. The large short-lashed eyes were fixed on him. ‘What’s the joke?’ he asked. If Johns were laughing at Welch, Dixon was prepared to come in on Welch’s side.

  ‘You’ll see,’ Johns said. He went on looking at Dixon. ‘You’ll see,’ he added, grinning.

  In less than a minute Dixon did see, and clearly. Instead of the customary four parts, this piece employed five. The third and fourth lines of music from the top had Tenor I and Tenor II written against them; moreover, there was some infantile fa-la-la-la stuff on the second page with numerous gaps in the individual parts. Even Welch’s ear might be expected to record the complete absence of one of the parts in such circumstances. It was much too late now for Dixon to explain that he hadn’t really meant it when he’d said, half an hour before, that he could read music ‘after a fashion’; much too late to transfer allegiance to the basses. Nothing short of an epileptic fit could get him out of this.

  ‘You’d better take first tenor, Jim,’ Goldsmith said; ‘the second’s a bit tricky.’

  Dixon nodded bemusedly, hardly hearing further laughter from Johns. Before he could cry out, they were past the piano-ritual and the droning and into the piece. He flapped his lips to: ‘Each with his bonny lass, a-a-seated on the grass: fa-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la . . .’ but Welch had stopped waving his finger, was holding it stationary in the air. The singing died. ‘Oh, tenors,’ Welch began; ‘I didn’t seem to hear . . .’

  An irregular knocking on the door at the far end of the room was at once followed by the bursting-open of this door and the entry of a tall man wearing a lemon-yellow sports-coat, all three buttons of which were fastened, and displaying a large beard which came down further on one side than on the other, half hiding a vine-patterned tie. Dixon guessed with surging exultation that this must be the pacifist painting Bertrand whose arrival with his girl had been heralded, with typical clangour, by Welch every few minutes since tea-time. It was an arrival which must surely prove an irritant sooner or later, but for the moment it served as the best possible counter-irritant to the disastrous madrigals. Even as Dixon thought this, the senior Welches left their posts and went to greet their son, followed more slowly by the others who, perhaps finding the chance of a break not completely unwelcome, broke into conversation as they moved. Dixon delightedly lit a cigarette, finding himself alone: the amateur violinist had got hold of Margaret; Goldsmith and the local composer were talking to Carol, Goldsmith’s wife, who’d refused, with enviable firmness, to do more than sit and listen to the singing from an armchair near the fireplace; Johns was doing something technical at the piano. Dixon moved down the room through the company and leaned against the wall at the end by the door where the bookshelves were. Placed here, savouring his cigarette, he was in a good position to observe Bertrand’s girl when she came in, slowly and hesitantly, a few seconds later, and stood unnoticed, except by him, just inside the room.

  In a few more seconds Dixon had noticed all he needed to notice about this girl: the combination of fair hair, straight and cut short, with brown eyes and no lipstick, the strict set of the mouth and the square shoulders, the large breasts and the narrow waist, the premeditated simplicity of the wine-coloured corduroy skirt and the unornamented white linen blouse. The sight of her seemed an irresistible attack on his own habits, standards, and ambitions: something designed to put him in his place for good. The notion that women like this were never on view except as the property of men like Bertrand was so familiar to him that it had long since ceased to appear an injustice. The huge class that contained Margaret was destined to provide his own womenfolk: those in whom the intention of being attractive could sometimes be made to get itself confused with performance; those with whom a too-tight skirt, a wrong-coloured, or no, lipstick, even an ill-executed smile could instantly discredit that illusion beyond apparent hope of renewal. But renewal always came: a new sweater would somehow scale down the large feet, generosity revivify the brittle hair, a couple of pints cite positive charm in talk of the London stage or French food.

  The girl turned her head and found Dixon staring at her. His diaphragm contracted with fright; she drew herself up with a jerk like a soldier standing easy called to the stand-at-ease position. They looked at each other for a moment, until, just as Dixon’s scalp was beginning to tingle, a high, baying voice called, ‘Ah, there you are, darling; step this way, if you please, and be introduced to the throng,’ and Bertrand strode up the room to meet her, throwing Dixon a brief hostile glance. Dixon didn’t like him doing that; the only action he required from Bertrand was an apology, humbly offered, for his personal appearance.

  Dixon had been too distressed at the sight of Bertrand’s girl to want to be introduced to her, and kept out of the way for a time; then he moved down and started talking to Margaret and the amateur violinist. Bertrand dominated the central group, doing a lot of laughing as he told some lengthy story; his girl watched him intently, as if he might ask her later to summarize its drift. Coffee and cakes, intended to replace an evening meal, were brought in, and getting enough of these for himself and Margaret kept Dixon fully occupied. Then Welch came up to him and said, inexplicably enough: ‘Ah, Dixon, come along now. I want you to meet my son Bertrand and his . . . his . . . Come along.’

  With Margaret at his side, Dixon was soon confronted by the two people Welch wanted him to meet and by Evan Johns. ‘This is Mr Dixon and Miss Peel,’ Welch said, and drew the Goldsmiths away.

  Before a silence could fall, Margaret said ‘Are you down here for long, Mr Welch?’ and Dixon felt grateful to her for being there and for always having something to say.

  Bertrand’s jaws snatched successfully at a piece of food which had been within an ace of eluding them. He went on chewing for a moment, pondering. ‘I doubt it,’ he said at last. ‘Upon consideration I feel it incumbent upon me to doubt it. I have miscellaneous concerns in London that need my guiding hand.’ He smiled among his beard, from which he now began brushing crumbs. ‘But it’s very pleasant to come down here and to know that the torch of culture is still in a state of combustion in the provinces. Profoundly reassuring, too.’

  ‘And how’s your work going?’ Margaret asked.

  Bertrand laughed at this, turning towards his girl, who also laughed, a clear, musical sound not unlike Margaret’s tiny silver bells. ‘My work?’ Bertrand echoed. ‘You make it sound like missionary activity. Not that some of our friends would dissent from that description of their labours. Fred, for instance,’ he said to his girl.

  ‘Yes, or Otto possibly,’ she replied.

  ‘Most assuredly Otto. He certainly looks like a missionary, even if he doesn’t behave like one.’ He laughed again. So did his girl.

  ‘What work do you do?’ Dixon asked flatly.

  ‘I am a painter. Not, alas, a painter of houses, or I should have been able to make my pile and retire by now. No no; I paint pictures. Not, alas again, pictures of trade unionists or town halls or naked women, or I should now be squatting on an even larger pile. No no; just pictures, mere pictures, pictures tout court, or, as our American cousins would say, pictures period. And what work do you do? always provided, of course, that I have permission to ask.’

  Dixon hesitated; Bertrand’s speech, which, except for its peroration, had clearly been delivered before, had annoyed hi
m in more ways than he’d have believed possible. Bertrand’s girl was looking at him interrogatively; her eyebrows, which were darker than her hair, were raised, and she now said, in her rather deep voice: ‘Do gratify our curiosity.’ Bertrand’s eyes, which seemed to lack the convexity of the normal eyeball, were also fixed on him.

  ‘I’m one of your father’s underlings,’ Dixon said to Bertrand, deciding he mustn’t be offensive; ‘I cover the medieval angle for the History Department here.’

  ‘Charming, charming,’ Bertrand said, and his girl said: ‘You enjoy doing that, do you?’

  Welch, Dixon noticed, had rejoined the group and was looking from face to face, obviously in quest of a point of entry into the conversation. Dixon resolved to deny him this at all costs. He said, quietly but quickly: ‘Well, of course, it has its own appeal. I can quite see that it hasn’t the sort of glamour of’, he turned to the girl, ‘your line of country.’ He must show Bertrand that he wasn’t below including her in the conversation.

  She looked perplexedly up at Bertrand. ‘But I haven’t noticed much glamour knocking about in . . .’

  ‘But surely,’ Dixon said, ‘I know there must be a lot of hard work and exercise attached to it, but the ballet, well,’ he disregarded a nudge from Margaret, ‘there must be plenty of glamour there. So I’ve always understood, anyway.’ As he spoke, he gave Bertrand a smile of polite, comradely envy, and stirred his coffee with civilized fingers, splaying them a good deal on the handle of the spoon.

  Bertrand was going red in the face and was leaning towards him, struggling to swallow half a bridge roll and speak. The girl repeated with genuine bewilderment: ‘The ballet? But I work in a bookshop. Whatever made you think I . . . ?’ Johns was grinning. Even Welch had obviously taken in what he’d said. What had he done? He was attacked simultaneously by a pang of fear and the speculation that ‘ballet’ might be a private Welch synonym for ‘sexual intercourse’.

  ‘Look here, Dickinson or whatever your name is,’ Bertrand began, ‘perhaps you think you’re being funny, but I’d as soon you cut it out, if you don’t mind. Don’t want to make a thing of it, do we?’

  The baying quality of his voice, especially in the final query, together with a blurring of certain consonants, made Dixon want to call attention to its defects; also, perhaps, to the peculiarity of his eyes. This might make Bertrand assail him physically—splendid: he was confident of winning any such encounter with an artist—or would Bertrand’s pacifism stop him? But in the ensuing silence Dixon swiftly decided to back down. He’d made some mistake about the girl; he mustn’t make things any worse. ‘I’m terribly sorry if I’ve made a mistake, but I was under the impression that Miss Loosmore here had something to do with . . .’

  He turned to Margaret for aid, but before she could speak Welch, of all people, had come in loudly with: ‘Poor old Dixon, ma-ha-ha, must have been confusing this . . . this young lady with Sonia Loosmore, a friend of Bertrand’s who let us all down rather badly some time ago. I think Bertrand must have thought you were . . . twitting him or something, Dixon; ba-ha-ha.’

  ‘Well, if he’d taken the trouble to be introduced, this wouldn’t have happened,’ Bertrand said, still flushed. ‘Instead of which, he . . .’

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Mr Dixon,’ the girl cut in. ‘It was only a silly little misunderstanding. I can quite see how it happened. My name’s Christine Callaghan. Altogether different, you see.’

  ‘Well, I’m . . . thanks very much for taking it like that. I’m very sorry about it, really I am.’

  ‘No no, don’t let it get you down, Dixon,’ Bertrand said, with a glance at his girl. ‘If you’ll excuse us, I think we might circulate round the company.’

  They moved off, followed at a distance by Johns, towards the Goldsmith group, and Dixon was left alone with Margaret.

  ‘Here, have a cigarette,’ she said. ‘You must be needing one. God, what a swine Bertrand is. He might have realized . . .’

  ‘It was my fault, really,’ Dixon said, grateful for nicotine and support. ‘I should have been there to be introduced.’

  ‘Yes, why weren’t you? But he needn’t have made it worse. But that’s typical of him, as far as I can gather.’

  ‘I sort of couldn’t face meeting him. How often have you met him?’

  ‘He came down once before, with the Loosmore girl. I say, it is rather queer, isn’t it? He was going to marry the Loosmore then, and now here he is with a new piece. Yes, of course; Neddy gave me a long harangue about when the Loosmore wedding was coming off, and so on, only a couple of days ago. So as far as he knew .. .’

  ‘Look, Margaret, can’t we go out for a drink? I need one, and we shan’t get one here. It’s only just eight; we could be back . . .’

  Margaret laughed, so that he could see a large number of her teeth, one canine flecked with lipstick. She always made up just a little too heavily. ‘Oh, James, you’re incorrigible,’ she said. ‘Whatever next? Of course we can’t go out; what do you suppose the Neddies would think? Just as their brilliant son’s arrived? You’d get a week’s notice like a shot.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right, I admit. But I’d give anything for three quick pints. I’ve had nothing since the one I had down the road yesterday evening, before I showed up here.’

  ‘Much better for your pocket not to have them.’ She began to laugh again. ‘You were wonderful in the madrigals. Your best performance yet.’

  ‘Don’t remind me, please.’

  ‘Even better than your rendering of the Anouilh tough. Your accent made it sound so frightfully sinister. What was it? “La rigolade, c’est autre chose”? Very powerful, I thought.’

  Dixon screamed softly from a tightened throat. ‘Stop it. I can’t bear it. Why couldn’t they have chosen an English play? All right, I know. Don’t explain to me. Look, what’s going to happen now?’

  ‘Recorders, I think.’

  ‘Well, that lets me out, anyway. No disgrace in not playing them. I’m only a lay brother, after all. Oh, but isn’t it horrible, Margaret? Isn’t it horrible? How many of the bloody things do you have going at once?’

  She laughed again, glancing quickly round the room. This was a reliable sign that she was enjoying herself. ‘Oh, any number can play, as far as I know.’

  Dixon laughed too, trying to forget about beer. It was true that he had only three pounds left in his tin box to last until pay-day, which was nine days off. In the bank he had twenty-eight pounds, but this was a fund he’d started against the chance of being sacked.

  ‘Pretty girl, that Christine Whatshername,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Yes, isn’t she?’

  ‘Wonderful figure she’s got, hasn’t she?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Not often you get a figure as good as that with a good-looking face.’

  ‘No.’ Dixon tensed himself for the inevitable qualification.

  ‘Pity she’s so refained, though.’ Margaret hesitated, then decided to gloss this epithet. ‘I don’t like women of that age who try to act the gracious lady. Bit of a prig, too.’

  Dixon, who’d arrived at similar conclusions already, found he didn’t much want to have them confirmed in this way. ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Can’t really tell at this stage.’

  This was greeted with the tinkle of tiny bells. ‘Ah, you always were one for a pretty face, weren’t you? Covers a multitude is what I always say.’

  He thought this profoundly true and, debarred from saying so, was at a loss what to reply. They looked anxiously at each other, as if whatever either might say next must be an insult. Finally Dixon said: ‘She does seem rather as if she’s tarred with the same brush as Bertrand.’

  She gave him a curious sardonic smile. ‘I should say they’ve got a lot in common.’

  ‘I imagine so.’

  A maidservant was now collecting the used crockery, and the company was moving about. The next stage of the evening was clearly imminent. Bertrand and his girl had disappeared,
possibly to unpack. At Welch’s summons, Dixon left Margaret to help arrange some chairs. ‘What’s the next item on the programme, Professor?’ he asked.

  Welch’s heavy features had settled into their depressive look after the manic phase of the last hour and a half. He gave Dixon a mutinous glare. ‘Just one or two instrumental items.’

  ‘Oh, that’ll be nice. Who’s first on the list?’

  The other brooded, his slab-like hands on the back of a ludicrously low chair that resembled an inefficiently converted hassock. In a moment he disclosed that the local composer and the amateur violinist were going to ‘tackle’ a violin sonata by some Teutonic bore, that an unstated number of recorders would then perform some suitable item, and that at some later time Johns might be expected to produce music from his oboe. Dixon nodded as if pleased.

  He returned to Margaret to find her in conversation with Carol Goldsmith. This woman, aged about forty, thin, with long straight brown hair, Dixon regarded as one of his allies, though sometimes she overawed him a little with her mature air.

  ‘Hallo, Jim, how’s it going?’ she asked in her abnormally clear voice.

  ‘Badly. There’s at least an hour of scraping and blowing in front of us.’

  ‘Yes, that’s badly all right, isn’t it? Why do we come to this sort of thing? Well, I know why you come, Jim, and poor Margaret’s living here. I suppose what I mean is why the hell do I come.’