“Two reasons.” Marcio’s voice was definite. “Firstly, no rejection could hurt as much as the look you gave me, when we arrived at that day care centre.”
“I’m so sorry,” Helen was instantly contrite, squeezing Marcio’s hand in apology.
“Don’t be; you had every right to be angry. Anyway, it made me realise that stuff hurts and then you get over it. You can’t get through life without pain. Hopefully I’ll feel like that about rejection letters.”
“You speak as if they’re a given.”
“They are! How many authors have you heard say they had forty rejection letters before their novel was accepted and now they’re a bestseller.”
“What’s your second reason?”
“Money. We need money, you and I.”
Helen wasn’t quite sure what to say. Marcio spoke as if they were already a family, but she had only known him for a short time. Part of her was elated but she was equally scared. She had thought she had a family with Daniel; they had planned their wedding for heaven’s sake. They would have been married by now, if things hadn’t turned out differently.
Marcio felt the change in Helen’s grip on his hand. “What’s wrong?” He turned to her, and pulled her to a standstill in front of an all-night pharmacy. In the light from the window he studied her face.
Not able to take the searching look, Helen turned to look through the window. The display included baby bottles, soft comforters, nappies. It seemed babies were everywhere. She considered her reflection, her bump stretching a foot in front of her.
How will Marcio feel when the babies are no longer gentle kicks against his outstretched palm? Many fathers get scared and Marcio isn’t even the father.
He was talking of them all, of the future, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
I have to think about myself and the babies first. Will I be able cope, if Marcio panics when the babies are born? If he leaves us then?
Some of her thoughts must have appeared in her face because Marcio gently put his hand under her chin and turned her head until he could make eye contact.
“Am I scaring you? I’m scaring me too! I realise we barely know each other, but it feels more right than I could ever have imagined. Not just you or us, but the babies too. Whatever happens, and I mean whatever, I will be there for you, even if just as a friend. I won’t abandon you. I couldn’t.”
He pulled her close, reaching around the bump to hold her tightly. He buried his face in her hair, breathing in the familiar scent. His next words were barely audible, muffled by her hair, but they made Helen shiver with emotion.
“Now I have found you again; now I know what it means to lose you, I will be always around, I promise.”
He pulled himself away, aware of the strong feelings threatening to overwhelm him. He tried to break the tension.
“Besides, it’s not really about the money. If one of my novels turns bestseller that would be rather cool, don’t you think?”
Helen attempted to match his mood, “Don’t you mean when?” She linked arms with him and they resumed their walk.
“How can you say that, you’ve never read one of my books.”
“Well, we’d better rectify that, hadn’t we? Send me one over, I’ll proof-read it for you before you send it out to be judged, as you put it. I did used to be an executive assistant; I’m quite good at detail.”
“You’re on!”
They continued in comfortable silence but Helen’s heart was still troubled. When something appeared too good to be true, it usually was.
Chapter Eighteen
“I emailed him, like you said.”
Sharni and Helen were in Pops, catching up on the Derek saga.
“And?” Helen wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer.
“This was his response.” Sharni handed Helen her Blackberry with an email on the screen. She sat chewing her thumbnail while Helen read the message.
“What do you think?”
“Hang on, I haven’t finished it yet.” Helen scanned the message, reading each line twice in the hope of finding something personal.
“Well, he doesn’t tell you it was all a terrible mistake.”
“Helen, he doesn’t say anything at all.” Sharni’s voice was a wail. “Just f-stop this, meter-reading that, blah blah bollocks.”
“Maybe he’s worried about your reaction. Perhaps you have to be more obvious?” Privately she thought Derek hadn’t said anything because he was either embarrassed at snogging an ex-student or because he did it so often it wasn’t anything to think about. Either way it was likely her friend was out of luck. Unsure what to say, she tried to change the subject.
“Have you seen much of the others? I’ve lost track of them since…”
“Since you started shagging a fit Spaniard?”
Helen blushed. She’d been forced to come clean about Marcio that morning, after they were found in flagrante by an early visit from Sharni, keen to discuss her disaster with Derek.
“After I found out I was pregnant, I was going to say.” Helen’s face flushed hotter. “I’ve had a few emails from Dawn, but I haven’t really heard from Stuart or Ben.”
“I catch up with Dawn every week or so. She’s become like my second mum since I went to stay.” Sharni smiled.
Helen looked at Sharni with eyebrows raised. Sharni had never explained how she knew Dawn had an en-suite spare room. With everything that had happened since she had also stayed with Dawn, it had slipped Helen’s mind to ask.
Sharni saw her expression. “Dawn didn’t tell you?”
“I don’t think Dawn breaks secrets.”
“Happen you’re right, although it wasn’t really a secret. I went to stay for a while the last time mother and father brought home one of my cousins.”
Sharni’s face said more than words ever could. They never discussed the pressure Sharni faced from her parents to marry the man they wanted her to. Helen couldn’t begin to imagine how difficult it must be to live in that environment. She wasn’t surprised Sharni left for a few days; she was only surprised that she didn’t leave for good.
“I go for beers with Ben, now and then,” Sharni continued, apparently not willing to discuss her familial situation any further. “You know, to cheer him up.”
Helen looked at Sharni for a moment, bewildered. Then she realised what Sharni was referring to. “Oh God, was he really that smitten with me?” The flush warming her face now was due to mortification.
“I don’t think so, more a crush. But, like, he’d sort of filled his future with fantasies of you. With rescuing you from Daniel. Now you’re free and he’s stuck in a rut; crappy job, no dream. Wonder what he’ll make of the Spaniard.” Sharni grinned.
Helen was surprised at Sharni’s appreciation of Ben’s emotions when she was so blind to her own infatuation with Derek.
“Sounds like you’re developing quite a friendship with him.” Helen felt a pang of envy. Not for Ben, as such. He was cute, but she had never fancied him. It was more that she realised how few friends she had herself. Apart from Marcio and it was still early on in their relationship. It was hard to believe that they had known each other such a short time. Even with the misunderstanding between then, she still felt she knew him better than she had ever known Daniel.
What a cliché, she mused. Love at first sight. Who knew it was really possible. Maybe I’m as deluded as Sharni is?
“As for Stuart,” Sharni was saying, “who knows?”
Helen tried to bring her mind back to the present. No point worrying that something would go wrong between her and Marcio until it happened.
“He’s a funny one.”
“Who?” Helen looked up guiltily, aware she wasn’t really absorbing Sharni’s words.
“Stuart. Aren’t you listening?” Sharni stuck her lips out in a pout.
“Sorry, yes of course I am. What makes you say Stuart’s funny? He’s always seemed a bit too cool for school.”
“Tha
t’s what’s weird. Rumour has it he’s training to be a wedding photographer. Can you imagine anything less likely?”
“Where did you hear that?” Helen was intrigued.
Sharni’s face flushed and she looked down at her hands. “Well, from him actually.”
“Come on, what’s the gossip? Why do you look so shifty?” Helen laughed, glad to take her mind off Marcio and whether she was making a mistake vesting so much in their budding relationship.
“I wanted to find out more about Derek, if he’s seeing anyone, you know. And, well, I rang Stuart, told him I’d left something at his flat, night of the party.”
“Sharni! You are shameless.”
“I can’t help it, I just fancy him something rotten.”
“What, Stuart?”
“No, Derek, you idiot!”
“So you went to Stuart’s place; that was brave!”
“Well I didn’t really think ’til I got there. Then, yes, I was bricking meself. But he was right lovely. Made me tea. Darjeeling or something posh. It were disgusting but I didn’t like to say no.”
“And he came out and told you he wanted to be a wedding photographer, just like that?” Helen sat forward, wrapping her hands around her still-warm mug.
“I saw the brochure on his table. I was looking for something to talk about, you know, to try and get Derek into the conversation. So I asked him about it. First time I’ve seen him lose his cool.”
“I’ll bet. Quite a change from City Trader to wedding photographer.”
“Well, he said it weren’t so different. You were still carrying the responsibility of people’s dreams, only this time it was their wedding snaps rather than their life savings.”
“Gosh, that’s profound. Who knew Stuart had such depths?”
“I know, shocker in’t it?”
“Did he talk about Derek?”
“Nah, he hasn’t heard from him since the party either, except to recommend the wedding photography course. Apparently he was a bit horrified that that was all Stuart wanted to do with his talent. Took a huff.”
“All? Being a wedding photographer must be great, the money is amazing and you make so many people happy.”
“It’d scare the crap outta me.”
“But, Sharni, you teach. That’s a huge responsibility too, surely?” Helen thought Sharni was immensely brave taking on the charge of forming young minds. It was one of the things about being a parent that worried her to death.
“I guess.” She shrugged her slender shoulders. “Never really thought about it. They’re only little aren’t they? Can’t do much wrong at that age, as long as you’re all having fun.”
Helen wasn’t sure she agreed, but forbore to comment.
“So, what should I do, do you think? About Derek?”
Helen wasn’t sure she had anything helpful to offer. She was pretty sure Sharni was going to get her heart broken. The best she could hope was to be there to pick up the pieces when it happened.
“I don’t know, Sharni. Is he running any more courses that you could take?”
“Nah, I checked. The only thing coming up is a one-day workshop on fashion photography in a few weeks.”
“Well, why not do that?”
“Me? Fashion photography. Derek’d smell a rat right off.”
“What’s he going to do, throw you off the course?”
“Maybe. You know Derek.”
“Well, it’s that or stalk him I guess.” Helen laughed, to show she was joking. Something in Sharni’s face suggested stalking had already been considered.
Sharni sighed, staring blankly at her coffee. She seemed to realise there was no more to say about Derek. Instead she looked up at Helen, with a twinkle in her dark eyes. “What about you and the Spaniard?”
“What about us?” It was Helen’s turn to look shifty.
“Is it serious? What does he think about them?” She nodded at Helen’s bump.
“I think it’s serious, he seems keen on the babies. It’s all good, really.” Helen giggled nervously. Sharni was the first person she had spoken to about Marcio and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. It was one thing knowing in your own mind that a relationship was solid, another thing entirely trying to tell someone else. If Sharni had come to her and said she and Derek were moving in together, she’d have said her friend was nuts, yet she and Marcio had barely spent a night apart in a week.
“Well, just be careful. It isn’t just your heart at stake anymore. The babies have already got one shit father, they don’t need another.”
Helen felt as if Sharni had slapped her. Looking up, she realised her friend was only trying to protect her. Maybe I should be doing the same; warning her against chasing Derek? It was hard to know what to do for the best.
“Okay, I’ll be careful. You too, okay? I don’t want you hurt if it turns out Derek has someone else lined up in his viewfinder.”
Walking slowly back to her flat, Helen thought about Sharni’s words. Was she taking a big risk with Marcio? What if it did all fizzle out after the babies were born? Could she survive that? She didn’t think the babies would notice if he left, not when they were tiny.
You might notice if Mummy’s heart gets broken again though. Am I being selfish? Should I be putting you first before even my love for Marcio?
Love? The unspoken word resonated like a bell in her mind. Was it that? Helen thought about her growing friendship with Marcio, the way he made her feel when they made love, how much she missed him when he left for work in the morning.
Love?
Yes, I rather think it is.
Chapter Nineteen
“Can I open my eyes yet?”
“In a minute.”
“Marcio, this is ridiculous. People are watching.”
“How can you tell? Have you been peeking?”
“No. But, come on, we’re in a lift! Surely I won’t be able to tell where we are from inside a lift. It’s been ages. I feel stupid. I’ve had my eyes closed since the tube station. Come on, I don’t have any idea where we are.”
“That’s the point. It wouldn’t be much of a birthday surprise if you did.” Marcio’s voice was gleeful.
Helen furrowed her brow in a mock frown. “Couldn’t you have just taken me out to dinner?”
“How boring.”
Helen couldn’t help but smile. “You’re mad.”
“Are you only just realising that?”
“My god, what else don’t I know about you? You’re not a practical joker are you? I hate practical jokes.”
“Oh dear, shall I call Jeremy Beadle and tell him the gig’s off?”
“Ha ha. Are we there yet?”
She felt Marcio take her hand again and lead her out the lift. She tried to work out where they were but she genuinely had no idea. It felt like a small space but the lift went up, she was sure of that, so they weren’t back on the tube.
“Okay, you can open your eyes now.”
Helen blinked at the sunlight and took a moment to work out where they were. She looked left and right at a long corridor, then through the lattice work of windows in front of her. The view was breath-taking.
“Oh my god, we’re on Tower Bridge! What made you bring us here?” Catching sight of Marcio’s face, she could have bitten her tongue. He looked like a puppy that had just been berated for peeing on the carpet.
He gestured meekly at the podiums along the walkway.
“Photography exhibition,” he said in a small voice.
Helen looked more closely and saw a line of black and white photographs of London. It must have taken Marcio ages to come up with such a novel idea for her birthday. And the views really were amazing. Despite living in London for years she had done very few of the touristy things and had certainly never come up on the Bridge.
“I’m sorry, it’s a great idea. Shall we start again?”
She closed her eyes and reached for his hand.
“Ooh can I open my eyes now?”
&nb
sp; Laughing, Marcio said, “Yes, open them now.”
“Wow, look at the views! We’re on Tower Bridge, what a great idea. Thank you!” She hopped up and down like an excited toddler.
Marcio laughed at her pantomime and threw his arms around her, squeezing her tight. “I love you so much.”
A stillness fell between them, as it occurred to them both that it was the first time the L word had been used.
Helen looked into Marcio’s blue eyes to see if he was serious.
“Do you? Really?”
“Yes, Helen, I do. All of you.” He ran his palm over her bump before taking both her hands. Leaning forward he brushed his lips against hers, before parting them and flicking her tongue with his. As the kiss deepened Helen ceased to care if anyone was watching. It was the best birthday gift she had ever had.
The wind was gentle across Helen’s skin as she sat facing Marcio, on a barge on the Thames, eating Fish and Chips. Helen mused about the year since her last birthday. What was it about birthdays and New Year celebrations that made you take stock and review your life? Surely you couldn’t get a more eventful year than the one she had lived through.
“Do you know, this time last year I was choosing the design for my wedding dress? Well, Daniel was choosing the design.”
“Really, in October? I thought your wedding date was August?”
“Yes. It takes a long time to plan a wedding. Six months lead-time at least on a dress. More if it’s designer.”
“Poor Mia. I had no idea.”
Helen laughed. “You mean you thought it was just turning up on the day and saying your vows?”
“Well, isn’t it? It should be. I never understood all the rigmarole.”
“Do you want to know a secret?”
He nodded and Helen leaned forward over the table, trying not to get ketchup on her bump. She put her lips close to his ear and began to whisper as if revealing a terrible secret.
“I didn’t really understand it either. I’ve got a tiny family, few friends. I’d have been happy with a summer frock and a party.”
“You mean a nice clingy dress like that jade one you wore in Barcelona? Hmmm yes please!”
Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes Page 22
