by Pamela Morsi
She was scrubbing carrots in a dishpan when this thought occurred to her. It stopped her in her tracks. She realized that it was not enough for her, anymore, to just make a good home and have a working marriage. She wanted her husband to have some real feeling for her. It was even worse than that, she realized. It wasn't an abstract thing like "her husband," she wanted Henry Lee Watson to have some real feeling for her. If only she'd known where she was heading before she'd conceived this ill-fated scheme. She had always believed herself to be totally practical and free of silly romantic notions. She hadn't really known herself at all.
Hannah found her eyes gathering up with tears at the hopelessness of the situation. No matter how well she cooked or how clean she kept his house, Henry Lee would not be falling in love with her. Men might feel grateful to cooks and housekeepers, but they fell in love with women that were beautiful.
Hannah looked down at herself in despair. She always told herself that she was above personal vanity, and she'd never really tried to be anything but clean and neat. Now she began to wonder if it were possible to make herself prettier. She could never be beautiful, of course, but maybe she could be pretty enough for a man to love.
Her mind whirling at the possibilities, she began planning what she would do to change her looks and wanted to hurry into the bedroom immediately and have a look through her belongings. She did, however, maintain the good sense to finish the carrots and put them on to cook, before she allowed herself the luxury of personal adornment.
* * *
Henry Lee carefully loaded the back of his wagon with whiskey. He'd checked on the wedding batch, still in the barrel, and knew that it was almost ready for cooking. Once that started, he would have to stay right with it until it was done. He would make one more round tonight, selling his whiskey before he was stuck at home with his still for a week.
He expected to begin the distilling tomorrow, as soon as he got Hannah home from church. He rolled his eyes heavenward, imagining what the good Lord must be thinking about a moonshiner who plans to start up his still only after he'd attended church services.
He pulled an old brown tarp out of the shed and carefully covered the jugs. That would not keep lawmen or thieves from finding out what was in the wagon, but he might be able to keep Hannah from knowing.
He knew that he was going to have to tell her soon. He just couldn't figure out a way to do it. Maybe he'd tell her tomorrow on the way home from church. She'd be all happy from visiting her family, and maybe he could make her understand that it was just like she had said. All work, done to the best of one's ability, is valued in the eyes of the Lord.
* * *
Hannah sat in the bedroom taking stock of her attributes in the small hand mirror she propped up against the wall. She had stripped down to her chemise and removed her breast binder. She was considerably more comfortable this way, she told herself, not allowing her mind to dwell on Henry Lee's obvious appreciation of her bosom on the two occasions that he had touched her. She wondered if the binder was really necessary. She knew that a good many young women did not wear them. She also knew that a lot of young women put starched ruffles on the bodice of their chemises to make themselves look bigger. It was just the way of nature that those less endowed would try to look more so, and those more endowed would try to look less.
Hannah thought that perhaps she needn't try to look less anymore. Standing at an angle she tried to view the profile of her natural bosom in the glass. It did stick out a good deal, but it wasn't vulgar, she assured herself. Of course, her practical side remembered, going without the binder would mean that all of her dresses would have to be let out in the bust. She didn't have so many clothes that it would be an impossible task. She could do one dress every evening. That wouldn't take away from any of her other work.
Having made the decision and giving herself one last proud glance at her newly-discovered physical attraction, she sat back down in front of the mirror and examined her face. Her gray eyes, plainly fringed with light brown lashes, did not seem to hold much promise. Her nose was neither too long nor too short, she looked at it straight ahead and from the side. It was a perfectly all right nose, she thought, but it was only a nose. Her mouth was a little too wide and when she smiled, a slight gap showed between her two front teeth. She shrugged, at least they were all there, all white and all straight, she consoled herself. Her complexion was a little rough, she thought. The flawless white skin of the legendary beauties of the day was impossible to maintain on the prairie. Fortunately for Hannah, she had never seen a legendary beauty and thought her face to be reasonably attractive.
After staring for a few moments at the arch of her eyebrows and the curve of her jaw, she had an idea. Undoing the tightly coiled braid at the nape of her neck, she quickly took the braid out and allowed her natural curls to frame her face. The difference was amazing. The curls seemed to give her face a youth and vitality that was lost in the harsh lines of her normally severe hairstyle.
She loved the way it looked, and examined it from all directions. This was her best feature, she was sure. But a woman could not go around with her hair unbound. It just wasn't done. She might get away with going about with her natural bosom, but to leave her hair loose was just not going to be possible.
She leaned way back, trying to get a better view of how she might look at a distance. Perhaps, she could leave it loose just around the cabin so that Henry Lee could see it. He would wonder at that, of course. She thought that maybe she could have it loose, seemingly by accident, and then he would see it. Maybe when he came in to eat, she would act as if he had surprised her and flutter around with it hanging loose while getting him some food.
She let her mind drift over the plan. Suddenly the expression on her face hardened and she grabbed her riotous curls and began roughly to rebraid them in her usual severe style.
"No more tricks!" she exclaimed out loud. She was not going, to be dishonest with Henry Lee again. If the fiasco at the wellhouse had taught her anything, it was that tricks can have a way of backfiring.
She scolded herself for being foolish, sitting around trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, while there was work to be done. She grabbed her dress off the bed and started to put it on, when she caught sight of her breast binder. She picked up the binder, holding it for a moment, then she carefully folded it and placed it in the bottom of her trunk. Pulling her sewing basket from under the bed, she began taking out the darts in the bodice of her dress.
* * *
When Henry Lee came in for his noon meal, he felt slightly ill at ease. He didn't know exactly how he would tell Hannah that he was headed to Ingalls. He wished that he had a surefire excuse for going there other than the truth. He didn't want to explain too much. The more lies he told the worse things would be ultimately. He would tell her tomorrow, he decided. This whole thing was just getting too complicated to handle.
Hannah was just as uncomfortable with Henry Lee. In her newly-altered dress and her natural bustline, she felt like a spectacle. She tried to keep her back to him as much as possible while she was finishing up the meal. Henry Lee, who had his own problems on his mind, hardly noticed. Finally, Hannah knew that she couldn't delay any longer. She had to face him. Gathering her courage she picked up a bowl of green beans and new potatoes and turned to the table. Unfortunately, Henry Lee was just taking a sip of his coffee. When Hannah turned to face him his eyes were immediately drawn to the undeniable sudden change in his wife's anatomy and his response was to abruptly inhale the coffee. Gasping and choking for breath, Henry Lee recovered himself as Hannah hurried over to him patting him on the back. Her face flamed red with embarrassment and she fervently wished that the floor would suddenly open up and allow her to fall in. It did not, however, and she was forced to sit down and eat with Henry Lee, while pretending that nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.
Henry Lee, for his part, tried very hard to keep his eyes solely on his wife's face. It was such a shock. He realized that she must
have been wearing a binder. A lot of women did. He had never cared for the practice himself. He should have realized before that she was bigger than she normally appeared. His memory of her bared breasts as they had lain together on the kitchen floor was disturbing and forced Henry Lee's glance back to Hannah's shapely contour.
He wondered why she had decided to go without the binder. Obviously, it wasn't an accident. She was as aware of the change as he was. Maybe it was the heat. The heat today was tremendous. But, he recalled, she had worn it all during the canning when the kitchen must have been twice as bad as it was now.
The baby, of course, he suddenly realized. Her body was undoubtedly changing. He knew enough about pregnant women to know that their stomachs weren't the only part of their bodies affected. He remembered his mother complaining of soreness in her breasts as one of the first signs of carrying a child.
Apparently, Hannah's breasts had bothered her enough to make her leave off the binder. He felt a strange need to comfort her. He hated the idea that she might hurt or be in pain. Now she was embarrassed because he'd acted like such a fool when he'd seen her. He wanted to take the embarrassment away. He wanted to get her mind on something else.
"I'm going to Ingalls this afternoon," he said bluntly. "I won't be back until real late, like last time I went out."
Hannah's face must have revealed her distress at the memory of the last time Henry Lee came home late, because he quickly hurried on, "I won't be drinking tonight, Hannah. You needn't be worrying about that."
"Oh, I wasn't," she said, truthfully. She was not worrying, she was almost hoping.
"I'm not really a drinking man," he said, wanting to explain, wanting her to understand. "My father was a drunk, I know all about trying to live with them. I won't put you through that, Hannah, I hope you know that."
"I know," she answered quietly.
The lull in the conversation lengthened as both carefully avoided the eyes of the other and studiously involved themselves with the food on their plates.
Henry Lee was trying not to think about Hannah's bosom, when he suddenly thought of a good reason to go to Ingalls.
"I'll be checking on the trains for our trip to Sallisaw," he told her, quite elated at his own inventiveness.
Hannah looked up at him, surprised and pleased.
"You truly don't have to take me with you, Henry Lee. I know that Myrtie sort of pushed you into that. It's such an expense and I'll be happy to stay here."
For an instant, Henry Lee was tempted. Not for the expense, money was not really a problem, but for the freedom. He would be gone two nights, he could stay in Muskogee and have himself one heck of a good time. There were whores in Muskogee that were so hot they could scorch the hair off a man's chest…
"No, I want you with me," he said firmly, to convince both of them. "You can help me pick out the wood and it'll do us both good to get away for a few days and see something new."
"What about your pigs?" she asked. "There won't be anyone here to take care of them."
"Jones from Sandy Creek is always willing to watch things for me around here and I can let them out to forage. They do pretty good for themselves when I'm gone. They eat those acorns from the red oak and then go about distributing new red oaks all over the farm."
Hannah blushed at the indelicacy of this statement and then couldn't seem to stop herself from giggling. Her laughter warmed Henry Lee and made him glad that he had decided to take her with him.
* * *
A light summer rain shimmered down outside Hannah's window as she awakened early on Sunday morning. With a groan of pain, she rolled over onto her back and clutched her belly with her hands. She was one of those lucky women whose monthly visit of Eve's curse was never a surprise. Several hours prior to its onset, Hannah would fall victim to terrible cramps that would have kept a lesser woman in bed for the day. Hannah was, however, made of sterner stuff and considered the pain an annoying nuisance. This morning she wished that she could simply lie abed for a few hours and give in to self-indulgence. But it was Sunday morning, and to her knowledge, the only valid excuse for missing Sunday church service was death, and then only if it were your own.
Shaking off the desire to wallow in her own discomfort, she rolled out of bed. Searching through the drawers and petticoats among her clothing, she found her monthly paraphernalia and began girding herself for the onslaught of nature. The belt fit around her waist, secured by hook and eye. Running from the center front, through the legs and up the back was a snugly fitting, three-inch-wide band. The interior of the band was constructed to form a natural pocket to hold securely the folded strips of cheap cotton. When she had assured herself that she was properly prepared, Hannah completed her toilet, allowing herself only an occasional groan at the pains of being a woman.
Henry Lee, in contrast, felt wonderful this morning. Even the morning's rain could not dampen his enthusiasm. His trip to Ingalls had been very profitable. Word had spread of the demise of Pauly Archambo's still, and private citizen and saloon keeper alike were willing to pay premium prices for the commodity they feared to be in short supply.
Henry Lee had been able to get a third more than his usual price for whiskey with promises to buy much more. He had returned home with his pockets bulging with money and a spring in his step. He removed his strongbox from its hiding place in the floor near the fireplace and added his profits to the already generous pile of U.S. currency and gold. As long as the shortage kept up, his financial picture could only get better.
Henry Lee, of course, had no intention of alleviating the shortage. Keeping the price of whiskey high was to his advantage, and he fully intended to enjoy it for as long as it lasted.
The whiskey problem had had another pleasurable consequence for Henry Lee. The shortage overshadowed the story of his hasty marriage to the Plainview preacher's daughter and he was not forced to parry many personal questions.
With things going so well for him, he'd decided to definitely tell Hannah about his business interests. He had convinced himself that Hannah's practicality would win out over any silly beliefs in the intrinsic evil of strong drink, and that she would ultimately be pleased at Henry Lee's obvious ability to provide well for her and her child. His business was becoming more successful, and he wanted to share his excitement with his wife.
As he came in from the barn, he heard Hannah before he saw her. She was making quiet groaning noises and as he watched her through the door, it was evident by her slow, unenthusiastic movements that she was not feeling very well. Henry Lee felt an immediate concern for her. What if something was wrong with the baby? The nearest doctor was in Ingalls and he hadn't given a thought to who he would call upon to help when the baby came. He didn't know any midwives, and he hadn't asked.
"Hannah, are you all right?" he called to her through the screen.
Hannah was startled and blushed. It was bad enough to have these periodic cramps, but for someone else to know, especially if that someone was a man, was horribly embarrassing.
Not quite able to meet his eyes, she answered, "Oh I'm fine, Henry Lee. Just feeling a little bit lazy this morning."
Henry Lee didn't believe her. He had known her only a couple of weeks, but he doubted that there was a lazy bone in the woman's entire body. She seemed always energetic and busy. Something must be wrong.
It was then that Henry Lee noticed the bodice of her dress. He cursed under his breath as he realized that she had retrieved her breast binder and was once again flattened down to a woman half her size. Obviously she had not been able to forget the embarrassment he had caused her yesterday and now she was willing to be in pain rather than draw attention to herself.
This lovely woman was suffering pain because he had acted like such a fool. He wanted to apologize, to tell her that she was free to go unbound and that he would not look at her like that again. Of course, he would look at her, he was looking at her now, but he would sincerely try to keep his eyes on more appropriate areas.
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br /> Sitting down to breakfast, Henry Lee went over several plans for explaining to her that she needn't bind herself on his account. He sighed in frustration that a man had to choose his words so carefully when talking with a decent woman. With whores and dance hall girls a man could just say whatever he felt like saying, but with a woman like Hannah, Henry Lee knew that he would be expected to mind his tongue. He should just tell her that it was unnatural and surely unhealthy. He knew, however, that ladies never use the words breast or bosom in mixed company and he wasn't sure how in the world he was going to talk about something without ever mentioning it.
Hannah ate her breakfast in silence, not giving a thought to her bound bosom. She had not remembered to alter her Sunday dress, so she was forced to wear the binder again. She hardly noticed it, however. All her focus was on the twisting, shuddering ache in her lower abdomen. She wanted to just lean over and wrap herself into a tight ball to hold back the pain, but it was imperative that she not make a scene in front of Henry Lee. She wondered briefly if all women continued to hide from their husbands the fact of their normal body functions throughout their marriage. Practically speaking, Hannah thought that was ridiculous. But the idea of actually discussing "the curse" with a man was too humiliating to even be considered.
The rain had let up by the time the two were climbing into the buggy. Henry Lee solicitously covered Hannah's lap with the folded tarp, so that a sudden downpour would not catch her unaware. At the last minute he grabbed up his tool box from the shed and set it beneath the buggy seat.
"I thought I'd take some measurements while you are visiting after church," he explained.
Hannah almost sighed in despair. The last thing that she wanted to spend time doing today was standing around visiting while she waited on Henry Lee. She smiled courageously, however, and silently prayed that he would not take too long.
As the buggy made its way gingerly through the soggy roads, Henry Lee decided if he couldn't actually relieve her pain, the least he could do was to take her mind off of it. He decided to tell her outrageous stories about outlaws and Indians in the territory. Turning on the charm, he was determined to get his new wife to laugh, or at the very least, to smile.
