He gathered her in his arms, rocking her and murmuring endearments as if it were she who needed comfort, when in fact his very soul ached with the dread of losing her. “I love you, Nicki. I’ll love you until the end of time. Only you, always and forever. Only you.”
* * *
“Xavierre?” Nicki whispered as she stood at the door of a humble cottage on the outskirts of St. Clair early that evening. “Are you home?” She glanced around again to make sure no one saw her here. Luckily, this was a fairly remote area with few other dwellings nearby. And, too, at this hour most folks were indoors preparing their suppers, or eating them.
The deerskin covering the doorway parted, and the midwife’s red, fleshy face emerged. “Go away, I’m in the middle of—” Xavierre gasped when she saw who her company was. “Milady! Come in, come in!”
The corpulent women, dressed in a homespun tunic and apron, with a rag around her head, stepped aside so that Nicki could squeeze through the doorway. The smoky, one-room cottage was redolent with boiled onions and the fragrance of the many bundles of dried herbs hanging from the rafters. Xavierre waved a fat arm toward an iron kettle hanging over the fire pit. “Onion stew, milady. Would you care for some?”
“No, thank you.” Nicki followed Xavierre’s gaze to a heaping bowl of the stuff set out on the table, along with a chunk of black bread and a wooden cup filled with wine. “I can’t stay long. But please go ahead and eat. You mustn’t miss your supper on my account.”
Grunting her thanks, the midwife crammed her massive body between the table and the bench and sat down with a great sigh. “Some wine, at least?”
“No. Thank you all the same.”
Breaking off a piece of bread, Xavierre said, “I haven’t seen your ladyship since that kitchen wench of yours bore them twins. Has someone else at Peverell got herself with child?”
Nicki drew in a calming breath and let it out slowly. “I think perhaps I have.”
“Milady!” Xavierre exclaimed, her words muffled by the bread she’d stuffed into her mouth. “At last! That’s wonderful! What a blessing! It’s...” She trailed off, chewing thoughtfully as she studied Nicki’s subdued demeanor. Swallowing, she washed the bread down with a generous gulp of wine. “Have a seat, milady.”
Nicki sat down at the table, wishing Xavierre’s mother were still alive. Old Ila had been quiet, competent, and above all, discreet—the perfect midwife. It was she who had tended to Nicki when she miscarried so brutally and fell into that terrible fever. If not for Ila’s considerable skill, Nicki might have died. And, if not for her discretion, she might have been ruined.
Her daughter was of a different breed—not inept, but a good deal less troubled with the more sensitive aspects of her vocation. The women of St. Clair knew better than to disclose confidences to Xavierre, lest their neighbors hear it all within days.
“Am I to take it,” Xavierre asked, stirring her stew, “that this pregnancy isn’t cause for celebration?” A rather artless way of asking whether the child had been sired by someone other than Milo. Of course Xavierre would suspect this, regardless of Nicki’s comportment. After all, her marriage had been barren for nine years.
Nicki smiled, mostly to allay the midwife’s suspicions, although deep in her heart she was elated by the possibility—in fact, the likelihood—that she carried Alex’s child in her womb. She shouldn’t be; all of Normandy would share Xavierre’s suspicions. But she couldn’t help it. To be pregnant at last—with Alex’s child!—filled her with a deep and elemental joy that the circumstances could not diminish.
The fact that such a child, if it happened to be a boy, would save her and Milo from homelessness was not lost on her. She was grateful to God for what was likely a late reprieve, despite the probable blemish to her reputation.
Striving for circumspection, Nicki said, “Of course I would celebrate if I’m truly with child. My lord husband and I have waited nine long years for this.”
Xavierre spooned a whole onion into her mouth and chewed it, regarding Nicki with eyes that were just this side of shrewd. “Because, of course,” she said, swallowing, “if you weren’t pleased about it, I could take care of it for you.”
Nicki spread her hand over her belly in an automatic gesture of protectiveness. “Nay, that’s not why I came here. I—”
“Just so’s you know,” the midwife said around another mouthful of stew, “there’s no need to be bearin’ babes that will do naught but bring heartache down on you. I can give you a tonic that will oust the infant from your womb.”
“Xavierre, I really don’t want—”
“Because you’re frightened.” Reaching across the table, Xavierre patted Nicki’s hand. “You’ve heard the stories about such tonics. I won’t lie to you. ‘Tisn’t a pleasant process, losin’ a babe that way. ‘Twill pain you somethin’ fierce—but then, so will the birthin’, and—”
“I don’t want one of your tonics!” Nicki cried, rising from the table. “I want this baby! I’ve wanted this baby forever. How can you think—”
“Calm yourself, milady.” Bracing her hands on the table, Xavierre heaved herself to her feet.
“I think I’d better go.”
“Nay, stay! I misunderstood, milady. You were just so solemn-like, I thought...but I was wrong, and I won’t bring it up again.”
Somewhat mollified, Nicki sat down. It stood to reason that Xavierre would be confused about Nicki’s feelings when Nicki herself felt so torn. For all the gladness it brought her to think that Alex’s baby might be growing in her belly, the inescapable truth was that it would bring no happiness to Alex. He’d never made any secret of the fact that he didn’t want any bastards. Indeed, he’d gone to considerable pains to avoid siring any. Although she’d suspected for the better part of a fortnight that she was with child, she had hesitated to tell him, knowing how distressed he would be, and hating to cast a pall over what little time they had together.
On top of Alex’s inevitable dismay, there was the fact that this child was the product of adultery. Milo wouldn’t care—he’d most likely be thrilled—but there would be whispers, perhaps outright censure. Would people think she’d given herself to another man simply to hold onto Peverell? She’d go mad if she thought about that now.
And why should she? Perhaps she was jumping to conclusions. “I’m not even completely sure I’m pregnant,” she told the midwife.
Xavierre crumbled the remains of her bread into the bowl. “When did your last purgation befall you?”
“On the tenth day of August.” Nicki recalled her mixture of relief and disappointment when her flow arrived on the expected day. “‘Twas due again September seventh, but it didn’t come.”
“Two weeks ago,” Xavierre muttered as she stirred the bread and stew into an unsavory gray mess. “Are your menses ever late?”
“Never.”
“You’ve never been pregnant before, have you?”
“Nay,” Nicki lied.
“Have you suffered at all from stomach ailments? Any vomiting or fluxes? Choler? Putrefied humors?”
“I feel woozy from time to time.”
“Let me know if you begin vomiting excessively,” the midwife advised, slurping up her stew and bread mixture. “I’ll make you up a binding medicine. Are your breasts tender?”
“A bit.”
“Any little pains near your womb, as if someone’s sticking a needle in you?”
“Aye,” Nicki said. “Quite a bit of that.”
Xavierre smiled as she chewed. “I hope you’re telling the truth when you say you want to be with child, ‘cause from the sound of it, there’s a child that wants to be with you.”
Nicki couldn’t help returning the midwife’s smile, but it faded when she remembered how her other pregnancy had ended. Indeed, she’d sought Xavierre out this early in large part for advice on how to avoid another miscarriage—but of course, she mustn’t let on that she’d ever had one. “Are there ways of helping to keep the babe tig
ht in the womb? I’ve waited so long for this. I’d hate to anything to happen.”
“I’ll give you a powder to cook with honey and put in your wine,” Xavierre offered as she scooped up the last of her stew. “‘Tis excellent at preventing such a mishap. But the most important thing to remember,” she cautioned, stabbing her spoon in the air to emphasize the point, “is never to ask for something which cannot be had. For if it is not given to you, you may very well lose the babe.”
“I’ll try to remember.” It wouldn’t be hard. The only thing Nicki wanted—really wanted—that she knew she could never have was Alex. But at least now she would have a part of him, always and forever.
Perhaps, she thought as she paid Xavierre for her time and took her leave, she would wait until right before Alex returned to England at Christmastide to tell him about the baby; with any luck, she wouldn’t show before then. That way, they could enjoy their remaining time together without the burden of his distress at having sired a bastard on her.
That being the case, she’d better not reveal her condition to anyone, even Milo, lest it become public knowledge before she was ready to tell Alex.
“One more thing,” said Xavierre from her doorway as Nicki mounted her new white mare, Zurie. “If you get the urge to eat dirt or chalk, I want you have a bowl of beans cooked with sugar instead. That’s important. I don’t want you to forget.”
Dirt? Chalk? “I don’t think I could forget,” Nicki assured her as she headed home for her own supper. “Thank you ever so much for your time.”
* * *
Not long afterward, Gaspar stood in the doorway of the selfsame cottage, counting coins into the fat midwife’s hand. She charged a pretty penny for her information, but it was worth it.
“You understand I was never here,” Gaspar drawled as he tied the pouched closed.
“Oh, yes?” Xavierre asked slyly. “I hadn’t realized that.”
Gaspar dug another coin out of the pouch and thrust it in her hand.
“I do now.” Grinning, she poured the coins into her purse.
“Greedy cow.”
A sense of well being came over Gaspar as he rode back to the castle—a respite from the red tide of rage that had consumed him these past weeks, as he laid low between visits to the hateful Father Octavian, all the while waiting for Alex de Périgeaux to do the job he’d been brought here to do.
It would appear he finally did. Her ladyship was pregnant. Knowing this, Gaspar could proceed accordingly.
First, it would be well to deal with de Périgeaux before he had the chance to spirit the little mother-to-be to parts unknown. Gaspar could take care of that tonight; he already had the poison hemlock and white hellebore mixed up in the spiced wine—a whole flagon of the stuff.
And then finally—finally!—he’ll be free to execute the rest of his plan. In the end, he would have not only Peverell, but its mistress. Like it or not, the high-and-mighty Nicolette de St. Clair would finally lie down and spread her legs for him.
As his wife, she’d have no choice.
Chapter 25
Nicki picked at her apple tart, making small talk with Alex, sitting across from her at the high table, as she pondered the remarkable fact that she was carrying his child. She wished she could tell him. She wished he could be happy about it.
She imagined being his wife, and giving him the news, and having him swing her around in his arms, ecstatic. She could imagine all she wanted, of course. Alex would hardly view this pregnancy as cause for rejoicing.
“Spiced wine, milord?” Gaspar asked as he filled Alex’s goblet from his flagon. He’d been on exceptionally good behavior lately. Nicki wanted to think his encounter with them in the woods that August morning—and in particular with Alex’s sword—had taught him a lesson, but she couldn’t shake the sense that it was all an act. He was too restrained, too subservient. It made her nervous, as if he were up to something.
Nicki expected Gaspar to fill her own goblet next, but instead he disappeared into the buttery. When he returned, with a cup in his hand, he wove his way to the middle of the hall, amidst the hundred or so soldiers finishing up their supper and the servants waiting on them, and climbed atop a bench.
Alex cast a quizzical look in Nicki’s direction as he lifted his goblet. She just shrugged, but a vague trepidation befell her. All she wanted was to get through this evening pretending everything was normal, unchanged. This was not a good evening for surprises.
She looked toward Milo, reclining in his bed across the hall, nursing his wine, as usual. He caught her eye and glanced toward Gaspar, holding his hands up to quiet the soldiers. She shook her head in response to her husband’s perplexed expression.
“Men!” Gaspar shouted. “Pipe down, now. That’s better. I’ve got a toast to propose.” He raised his cup and the soldiers did the same. “To her ladyship, Nicolette de St. Clair.” He bowed in Nicki’s direction. “And to our lord castellan, Milo de St. Clair.” A nod toward Milo. “Thanks be to God Almighty for the joyous event which our lord and lady have the pleasure of anticipating. At long last their alliance will be blessed with an heir, as we’ve all hoped and prayed...” His words were consumed by a roar of “Hurrah’s” from the soldiers.
God, no, no...Not now, not this way...
Stunned, Nicki met Alex’s gaze as he stared at her over the rim of his goblet. She could see only his eyes, wide with shock.
A movement of Milo’s drew her attention. He was sitting up awkwardly, gaping at her, his goblet on its side next to him, soaking the quilt with wine.
Very slowly Alex lowered his goblet. His mouth formed her name, but Nicki couldn’t hear him over the din that filled the great hall.
As the cheering subsided, Gaspar leapt off his bench and walked toward them, holding his cup in the air. “To the health of your ladyship and the babe you carry. May your child be a son, and may the good Lord bless and protect—”
“Excuse me.” Alex stood abruptly and strode away, toward the turret in the far corner. Milo called to him as he passed, but he didn’t even slow down.
Despair rose within Nicki. Why did he have to find out this way? Now things would never be the same between them. How on earth did Gaspar find out, and why did he choose to reveal it in this fashion—making it public to everyone at Peverell, and therefore all of Normandy, before she’d even adjusted to it herself?
Gaspar glowered at Alex’s untouched goblet of spiced wine, then turned to watch him duck into the stairwell and disappear.
“Why did you do that?” Nicki demanded in a low, raw voice.
Facing her, Gaspar cocked his head as if the question confused him. “Milady? I merely wanted to congratulate—”
“Never mind.” She rose and circled the table. “I couldn’t bear your excuses and lies. I’ll deal with you later.”
Nicki hurriedly traced Alex’s path across the hall, slowing as she approached Milo’s bed. He was staring at with the oddest expression. She couldn’t tell whether he was pleased or saddened by this turn of events, when she’d assumed he’d be unreservedly delighted.
With considerable chagrin, she reminded herself that she had, after all, been sleeping with his cousin. Her liaison with Alex had been a union of passion; how could Milo help but feel at least somewhat betrayed? It would be different, certainly, if her pregnancy had resulted from a cold-blooded tryst of the type Milo had proposed last summer—a service performed by a man hand-picked by Milo, whom she would never see again once his seed had taken. But that was not the case. Milo’s relief at the prospect of an heir would, at best, be tainted with ambivalence.
Pausing at his bedside, she groped futilely for the words to account for herself, to make him understand what had happened, and why. As her consternation increased, Milo’s expression softened. To her astonishment, he reached out and opened his hand, beseeching her with a gentle smile to take it. A sob rose in her throat when she closed her hand around his. Although his skin was cool to the touch, and she could fee
l the bones just beneath it, he gripped her with surprising strength.
“Go ahead.” He nodded toward the turret staircase and released her hand. “Go to him.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks as she turned and ran from the hall. She raced down the stairs to Alex’s little chamber on the ground level, but he wasn’t there. Thinking perhaps he was waiting for her in the solar, she sprinted upstairs and threw open the door. The big room was empty.
He must have gone outside. Leaning over her writing desk to peer out the window that faced the outer bailey, she saw him, mounted on Atlantes, leaving the stable. He kicked the sorrel gelding and tore off across the drawbridge. She watched him—a dark horseman in the twilight—until the woods swallowed him up. Nicki dried her face on her tunic sleeve, determined not to surrender to her tears, and sat at her writing desk, looking out the window.
Night descended slowly and darkness consumed the solar, but Nicki made no move to light a lantern. As she gazed out at the stars materializing in the inky sky, a strange serenity settled upon her. Her thoughts took on a focus, a clarity of vision that swept her fears and misgivings before it like a cleansing breeze.
All that mattered—really mattered—was the love she shared with Alex and the child that love had produced. The joining that had begun nine years ago as they’d held hands in a darkened cavern on a hot summer afternoon was now complete. More than their souls were linked. They’d merged themselves, created a new life with the power of their love.
What could be more important than that?
* * *
Milo awoke to his name being whispered. Opening his eyes, he saw his wife sitting on the edge of his bed. He could tell it was her in spite of the darkness because of the soft gleam of her hair.
“Nicolette,” he murmured groggily. “What time is it?”
“Late,” she said softly. “The middle of the night. I’ve been upstairs thinking.”
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