by Livia Grant
"I've noticed she's getting more forgetful. I hate how fast the Alzheimer's is progressing."
"Don't worry about that right now. You have enough shit on your plate. I can handle mom."
"Thanks Nat. I don't think I can deal with anything more right now."
"I get that. If I didn't have my hands full with the kids and the restaurant, I'd stay. You know that, right?"
"I do, but truthfully I need some time alone to sort through everything that's happened."
"I understand. Just promise me you'll call if you need to talk, okay?"
"I will."
Several hours later, the house was quiet. The mourners had left and his mom and sister had gone upstairs to give Andi her bath and get her settled in for the night. Nick sat alone for the first time since receiving the news of his wife's death. His wife's betrayal. He downed his third bourbon, enjoying the burn trailing down his throat to his sour stomach. He enjoyed the rush of the alcohol. It would be so easy to lose himself in self-pity. The only thing stopping him was the thought of the beautiful daughter sleeping one story above him.
Instead of grabbing for the bourbon bottle, Nick pushed to his feet. He took the stairs in twos, rushing up to open the door to his daughter's princess themed bedroom. The small nightlight illuminated the room. It gave him enough light to see her angelic face as he stood over her. He was comforted by the even rise and fall of her chest in sleep. He was relieved she didn't seem upset by the fact that her mother wasn't here like normal.
Nick pulled the wooden rocking chair over from the corner. He had spent countless hours rocking his daughter in that chair, reading her bedtime stories. Tonight, he would sleep in it, rocking as he kept watch over her until exhaustion finally allowed him to slip into a fitful sleep.
Cali was exhausted. She shouldn't be. It was only four in the afternoon, but today had been hard. It was her first day back in the classroom since Kevin's accident. The school had given her three weeks off to take care of things and to mourn her husband's sudden death. She knew she should be grateful for the time off, but after struggling to hold her emotions in check all day, she wondered if she was ready to go back to work. On the one hand, it was good to have something routine to get her mind off all she had been through. On the other hand, the pitiful looks she got from her peers as she would pass them in the hallway kept her locked in the hell Kevin had thrown her into.
She had spent much of the last three weeks curled up in a ball in the middle of their king-sized bed. She felt like a schizophrenic, fighting widely fluctuating mood swings. One minute she would be fine and then she'd remember having to stand in the morgue to identify the woman who had bitten her husband's dick off and anger would consume her. Rage was becoming a frequent companion and she hated it.
Then there were the times she would remember Kevin as he was when they'd met; the Kevin she had fallen in love with, but it was the tyrant who would hurt her with his rough sexual domination that consumed her dreams. She often awoke in a cold sweat, unable to get back to sleep. Only now were the last of the bruises finally fading.
She took a nap when she got home and woke somewhat rested. Her cell phone rang with a call from her dad. She let it roll to voicemail. He'd come to the funeral, of course. He had even tried to convince her to move back to Baltimore for a while, but she knew there would be no peace in her childhood home. She would just be trading in one set of bad memories for another.
Things hadn't been the same with her family for years. Family trauma had torn them apart while she was still in her teens. She had been relieved to leave for college to escape the constant strain and bickering. She was halfway through her freshman year when her mom had died of a heart attack. Her dad had never been the same since. Now, years later, things were as strained as ever.
Her phone rang again. This time it was her best friend, Lucy. She picked up at the last minute. "Hey."
"So how did the first day back at work go?"
"As you'd expect. Hard and long. Emotional, yet good to get out of the house. Basically, as confusing as ever."
"You won't be confused forever, Cal. Sooner or later, you'll only remember the bad shit he did and you'll be able to leave him in your dust."
"If you called just to bash Kevin, I'll hang up now. I know you hated him, but he was my husband."
"He was your abuser, Cali. You were brainwashed."
"Gotta go. Talk to you..."
"Fine. I'll stop talking about him. I actually called to see if you've talked to your dad today."
"No, but he tried to call a few minutes ago. I let it roll to voicemail."
"Well I ran into him at the grocery store today. He looked like shit."
"I'm sorry for that, but I sort of have my plate full right now."
"I'm just saying. Maybe you two could help each other. He acted like guilt is eating him alive over how your mom died and now he feels so bad for you. It was weird. He kept saying how sad it was that you wouldn't be able to have the family you deserved."
A pang of sadness contracted her heart. She couldn't go there. "Well, it wasn't for lack of trying on Kevin's part."
Her best friend snorted, but to her credit, didn't take the opportunity to disparage Kevin again. "I'm just saying you might want to call your dad."
"Fine. I'll think about it."
"Okay, I gotta go. Love you kiddo."
"Later. Thanks for calling, Luc."
Cali had been pacing around the massive house as she spoke to her friend. Not for the first time since Kevin died did she ponder what she should do with the big house. They had bought it with a sizable monetary gift from Kevin's parents for their wedding. It was meant to be the home they would raise the kids that would never be. She knew she needed to sell the house and move, but she had no idea to where. She had decided it was best to wait a few months before she made any major decisions.
Every night during the three weeks since he'd died, Cali had paced the house, nervously. In all that time, she had been avoiding her husband's home office. In part, because she rarely had been in that particular room, but more importantly because the few times she had been there were not particularly fond memories.
She had received her first punishment spanking bent over the large wooden desk her husband liked to work at. As angry as she'd been at him, even now, she knew she had deserved that particular punishment. She had crashed her car into a parked van while texting in the parking lot at the mall. It had caused over ten thousand dollars in damages and their insurance premium had gone up.
As she stood in the entry to the room looking at that desk, she knew that had been the day her marriage had changed forever. It was that fateful day she'd discovered her husband was a sadist who enjoyed punishing his wife. She had also discovered that, in spite of the pain and how much she hated the loss of control, there was a hidden part of her that responded to Kevin's domination. Even now, over a year later, she still didn't understand how her body could react the way it had under his domination. She'd love to blame Kevin for being abusive as Lucy insisted, but only Cali knew that he had unlocked a submissive part of her she'd worked hard to keep hidden deep inside. How much easier would life have been if she'd told him to fuck off that fateful night?
Cali sat in the executive chair behind the desk, looking through the open files and loose papers her husband had left behind. The mail had been piling up on the front entry table. She'd paid a few of the bills she knew she needed to take care of, but also knew there was a plethora of paperwork she needed to sort through here in his office. She dreaded it.
Cali forced herself to start by opening the top drawer, but found nothing out of the norm. She discovered his handgun in the second drawer down, a box of ammunition next to it. Cali avoided touching the weapon, leaving it where it was. It was what she found deeper in the drawer that drew her attention. She picked up the small external disk and wondered what kind of information Kevin had stored on it.
His personal laptop sat on top of the desk. She sli
d her fingers across the mousepad, waking it up. It was plugged into power and fully charged. She didn't have his password and knew the chances of guessing were slim to none. She plugged the hard drive into the USB drive, but nothing happened. She continued with rifling through the desk to see what else she could find. As she opened the center top drawer, a post-it note with a strange code was on top.
Could it be that easy?
Cali was amazed when the password unlocked the laptop. It wasn't like Kevin to be so careless with sensitive information. Still, she took a few minutes to poke around. There were hundreds of files and directories devoted to clients and some for their personal finances. She'd have to spend time looking through them later. It was the file marked as 'cell phone backup' that caught her eye. Kevin's cell had been destroyed in the accident. She'd regretted that because she was sure there were names and addresses in his phone she needed in order to send out thank-yous after the funeral. Cali poked around through the directories until she found his contact list.
It was when she saw "Roni" that her curiosity turned to anger. The number was local. There was no last name, but she knew. Unable to stop herself, she clicked through the backup, looking through saved text messages and emails until she hit the jackpot.
She read for over two hours. There were that many messages between the lovers. She had naively thought her husband had been attracted to Veronica at the party back in January. What a fool she'd been. The emails went back at least six months before that. Love emails. Sexting. Photos. Texts of where to meet. Each one cut her wounds open just a bit wider – a bit deeper.
The emails where they discussed how clueless both Nick and Cali were hurt the worst. They had ridiculed their spouses often for being so naive and trusting. After all of the tears she had shed for Kevin, these personal messages felt like his final betrayal. For the first time she truly hated him. She hoped they were happily rotting in hell together.
A wave of nausea hit and Cali found herself puking up her dinner into the nearby trashcan. As she was throwing up, a sharp pain cramped and she found herself running to the bathroom. She finished being sick for the second time before sitting.
The sight of the deep red blood in her underwear shouldn't have surprised her. She had intellectually known there was no possibility of being pregnant. Yet, she had been a week late in starting her period and there was a small part of her that had begun to wonder if she might have a baby growing inside her after all. Her brain knew this was for the best, but finding the evidence of Kevin's long time infidelity combined with the arrival of her period was the final straw.
Cali ripped the clothes off her body as fast as she could. She started the shower, getting in while the water was ice cold. She welcomed the shocking temperature. The harshness woke her from the veil of naivety she had been living under. As the water warmed and finally turned to steaming hot, Cali welcomed the pain of the burn where the water met skin. She allowed the bite of heat to punish her for her stupidity. She sat on the floor of the shower, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking until the water began to cool.
Cali relocated to the bedroom, stopping only to grab a bottle of vodka and orange juice. For the next hour, she drank enough alcohol to dull the pain. When it wasn't enough, she took a pair of scissors to their walk-in closet and shredded several of Kevin's most expensive suits and ties. It felt good to see the evidence of her fury, piled in the center of the oversized closet. She curled up in the middle of the pile.
She felt utterly alone. No one understood what she was going through. Not really. Everyone tried to be nice, but her in-laws had deserted her. It was as if they somehow held her responsible for the loss of their son. She was estranged from her dad. Her mom was gone. Lucy tried to help, but only knew how to hate Kevin.
It was in that moment she thought of Nicholas Mikos. She hadn't thought of him since the funeral. She wondered what Nick was doing right that minute. How was he dealing with his wife's betrayal? At least he had his daughter to cling to. A new regret that she wasn't pregnant invaded. It would have been nice to have a blessed occasion like a baby to wipe away some of her sorrows.
The vodka had done its job. Cali drifted in and out of a fitful sleep while curled up on the floor of the closet. It was after midnight when she found herself awake again, unable to get back to sleep. There was only a long, lonely night to look forward to.
Cali wasn't sure of her plan until she found herself sitting behind Kevin's large desk again. She moved on autopilot as she looked up Nicholas Mikos in her husband's contact list. It wasn't surprising to find it there. They had worked together, after all. She had had just enough vodka to dull her decision-making ability.
It rang several times before a masculine voice answered. "Hello?"
What the hell was she doing? She was about to hang up when he spoke again. "Who's there? If this is another reporter looking for a story, fuck off."
He sounded so angry. He deserved to be angry. So did she.
"Nick?" Her voice was barely a whisper, but he heard.
"Cali?"
She held her breath. Unsure if she should answer.
He persisted "Cali? Is that you?"
"Yes." She'd been so angry before the call. Why were tears prickling her eyes at the sound of his voice?
He sighed. "I'm glad you called. I've wanted to call you a few times, but didn't have your number. And I didn't know... well... you know."
"Unfortunately, I do know." They let a long awkward silence stretch out.
He broke the quiet. "I've been worried about you. How are you?"
"Probably about the same as you."
"That bad, eh?" He tried to laugh it off. It sounded strained. They fell into silence again.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I called. I'll let you go." Cali felt foolish for calling.
"Please. Don't go." She heard a familiar desperation in his voice.
"What do you want me to say, Nick? Anything we talk about is only going to make us feel worse."
"I don't think so. I hate it, but you're the only person who could possibly understand what it's like. You're a beautiful, smart woman. You didn't deserve this to happen to you, Cali. I want you to know that."
The tears she had been holding back fell fast. She hadn't thought he could say anything to make her feel better, but she'd been wrong. He had somehow known exactly what she'd needed to hear.
"Thank you for saying that. You certainly didn't deserve this either. No one knows what to say, you know? They either avoid me or try to cheer me up. They don't know that maybe I need to wallow for a while, you know?"
"Boy, do I ever. I finally went into the office today and it was brutal."
"I went back to school today, too. Brutal is the perfect word."
"Is that why you called?"
Cali debated lying, but then she'd be doing to him what his wife had done. As ugly as the truth was, he deserved to hear it. "No. Not really."
"Well, I'm glad you did."
"I bet you wouldn't be if you'd found what I found tonight."
He hesitated. He must have been deciding if he wanted her to continue. "Maybe you should tell me and let me be the judge of that."
"There will be no unhearing the words once they're said." She tried to warn him.
"Just like there will be no bringing them back."
"Would you want to, even if you could?" Cali asked curiously.
She started to wonder if the call had dropped. He finally answered. "Would it make me a monster if I said no?"
"No, it makes you human. I might have said yes yesterday, but not tonight. Tonight, I hope they are rotting in hell."
Nick whistled the surprised kind of whistle. "That doesn't sound good. Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't want to know." He hesitated. "Like it or not, I need to know. I'm tired of the secrets – of the lies. I found a couple credit cards I didn't know about last week. A nice little fifteen-thousand dollar fuck-you courtesy of my wife from her grave."
Cali hadn't even
dived into their personal finances yet. She hoped she didn't have more surprises waiting for her there. "Don't scare me. I haven't even braved the finance crap yet. I've just been paying a few bills I know about. I'm dreading it. I know I'll have to tackle it soon."
"So if not finances, what did you find?"
"You're sure?"
"Positive."
She took a deep breath. "How long do you think they were seeing each other?"
He answered quickly. "Well since they met at the holiday..." his voice trailed off. He never finished his thought.
"Try a bit longer."
"God-damn her. How do you know?"
"I finally logged onto his personal laptop. He had a backup file of his phone. It was how I got to his contact list. Do you have her cell phone? If you do, you could find it all too."
"No. I never found her phone. I assumed she had it with her and it was destroyed in the accident."
"How much do you want to know?"
"I want it all. The truth for once."
"I found stuff going back at least six months. I'm not sure how it started, but I found emails, texts, photos... you name it. They communicated almost daily."
She had expected him to be angry. She hadn't expected silence. "Nick? Are you still there?" When he didn't reply, she tried again. "I'm so sorry. I never should have told you."
She heard the barely contained rage in his voice. "You did the right thing, Cali. I just don't know if I can believe it. I mean... not that you... I'd just like to think I would have noticed something like that, you know?"
It was Cali's turn to get angry. "You better not be insinuating that I'm lying to you. I'm not Veronica. Not every woman is a lying bitch."
He sighed. "I wasn't trying to imply you were lying. It's just so... I didn't think it could get any worse. I was wrong."
"Honestly, as much as I hurt now, I think this will help me get over him sooner. Kevin was a bit like Jekyll and Hyde. He could be so charming when he wanted to be. The next minute he could call me every condescending name he could think of while..." She cut herself off. She wasn't ready to share how abusive Kevin could get.
