Taking one last look around the room, I brushed off my hands and the seat of my pants and decided that I’d be done for the day. I’d been at it for a few hours at least, and I needed to go and feed Shadow. I might just take her on a ride sooner in the day. You know, mix it up a little. I’d become a little too OCD when it came to my schedule as of late, and I needed to just have that little mix up in the day. Much like this morning when Weston turned my world on its axis.
I bounded down the stairs and looked up at the clock, shocked that it was already one in the afternoon. My stomach growled instantly when it realized the time, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wait until after I fed the horse. I typically got lost in thought when I went to the barn, and my body would need the sustenance if today wasn’t any different than any days prior.
I walked over to the fridge and pulled out the lunch meat, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and mayo, carefully holding it all within my grasp as I walked very slowly over to the counter. I held my arms over of the countertop and gently sat it all down, pulling the bread out of its holder.
Once the sandwich was made, I put away everything and grabbed a paper towel to wrap it in. I didn’t want to waste any more time getting to Shadow than was necessary, so I decided I’d eat as I walked over to the barn.
I slid my feet into my boots, put on my coat, and walked out the door, taking a bite of the sandwich once it was closed behind me. My stomach thanked me as I chewed the first bite. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was until I began to eat the turkey and cheese deliciousness.
I was midway to the barn when I noticed an SUV slowly making its way up the drive. Clyde must not have shut it this morning or this person knew the code to get in.
Standing there, I continued to eat my sandwich as I tried to figure out who in the world would be coming all the way out here to visit me.
When the vehicle made its final turn into the driveway, I finally figured out who it was.
Max.
The one person I wished wouldn’t have shown up here today. Just when I’d decided I would try to live again, my past decided to show up unannounced and for only God knew what. I’d avoided any calls or texts from any of his family since I made them aware of my safe arrival. There really wasn’t any need to stay in touch.
I took the last bite of my sandwich as he parked the SUV and got out. I wiped my mouth on the paper towel and started to walk toward him. Better to get this over with so he could be back on his merry little way.
“Hey there, Magdalena,” he shouted as he rounded the vehicle.
“Max. What a surprise,” I replied, hoping to sound happy but not really feeling it.
“Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise if you knew how to pick up the phone.”
‘I did it on purpose,’ I thought to myself as I smiled back at him.
“The reception out here is sketchy. I rarely get any calls.” Oh I’d gotten each and every one, but it got to the point that I couldn’t even open his text messages. I didn’t need what they were offering. I wanted to be treated normally, not with kid gloves.
Within seconds, we’d met in the middle and he pulled me in for a hug, one that I faintly returned.
“What brings you all the way out here?” I asked as I pulled away from his hold.
“You really don’t get messages do you?”
“Not really,” I reiterated, trying not to sound annoyed.
He shook his head for a moment and moved his gaze down to the ground, his hand coming up to run his fingers through his hair. Apparently whatever he had to say wouldn’t be easy for him to reveal and most likely I wouldn’t want to hear it.
“What is it, Max?” I asked, hoping to get this impromptu visit over with.
“He made a deal,” Max whispered, his gaze never leaving the ground.
“What are you talking about? Who made a deal?” I tried to rack my brain but came up empty handed as to what he could be talking about.
“The man who shot them. He made a deal,” Max revealed as he shook his head, the disgust pouring off of him through his tone.
I couldn’t contain the gasp that escaped my throat. I feared what would be revealed next. No amount of time would be enough for what that man took from me. Even if he got a hundred years, what I lost was priceless and no amount of time would do that loss justice.
“What was the deal?” I asked through gritted teeth, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.
“Five years…”
“What?” I screamed, cutting him off.
Five fucking years. That was all my family was worth. There was no way that was even remotely fair.
“He pled out for five years for each death. That’s fifteen years, Magdalena,” Max finished saying as he walked back toward me. Only I continued to take a step back from him. Hoping the whole time, he’d take the hint and leave.
The man that took away everything would only serve ten years for taking away my world. Ten fucking years.
“And the prosecutor agreed to this madness?” I asked after I stopped walking backward toward the barn. That was the last question that I wanted answered and then I wanted him gone. I didn’t want to breakdown in front of anyone. I wanted to be alone. By myself to grieve yet another piece of tragic news.
“The defense attorney came to him with the offer, apparently, and after a couple of days, the prosecutor accepted. I don’t know all of the details as to why, but at least he’s serving something. There was always a chance when he went to trial that he’d get off. Now he’ll do hard time. And he can’t get out on parole, so he’ll serve the whole fifteen years for killing Andrew, Liam, and the clerk.” I didn’t want to listen anymore. I just wanted it all to stop. Every ounce of emotion to go away. Just when I thought I could start living again, I get hammered with this news. News that brought the memories and pain of losing them all back full force.
I bent over trying to catch my breath, my heart started to pound harder by the second. The memories of the pain barreled through me like the waves crashing onto the shore, and I almost couldn’t stand upright anymore. Just like the day I put them in the ground, I wanted to crawl inside a hole and join them.
“Magdalena? Are you alright?”
Only I couldn’t answer. I could only focus on getting enough air into my lungs before I passed out.
“Leave,” I managed to choke out as my breaths became even more labored.
“What?” he asked as he knelt down next to me and put his hand on my back.
“I need you to leave,” I choked out, the tears and emotions trying their damnedest to break free.
“I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I knew it would have to be me that told you. You know where to find me if you need me. And please call. We’re all worried about you,” Max whispered as he stood. He patted my back one last time before he turned on his heel and walked away.
Moments later, he started the vehicle and returned down the driveway just the way he came.
Part of me felt bad for being so harsh, but I didn’t want him to see me breakdown. He’d seen that enough, and I didn’t want that to happen yet again. I wanted to grieve my own way, on my own terms, and by myself. Just like I’d done before and like I’d continue doing. It was the way I was meant to live my life.
Alone.
Chapter 18
I stared off into the distance for far too long when Max had left, then breaking myself from the trance-like state, I turned and headed in the direction that I’d meant to go all along.
Toward Shadow.
The short walk did nothing to clear my head, but the second I entered the barn and saw her peek her head out of the stall, some of the emotions slightly disappeared. She was my peace when I felt down. The light in my cold, dark world. The closer I got to her the more her head bounced up and down.
“Is someone happy to see me today?”
The only response I received was a puff of air coming out of her nose and her head continuing to nod. It was bet
ter than nothing, I suppose.
“Well, I’m sure happy to see you,” I announced as I grabbed the brush off of the rack and walked over to her stall.
Her head instantly reached out toward my outstretched hand, nudging for me to start caressing her.
With my left hand, I rubbed up and down the center of her nose, her eyes closing and a soft breath escaped her while I brushed her mane with my right. Instantly, I was able to escape to a happy place that I found with her. Where no words or feelings to be rehashed. Where I could just be.
“Hey, Magdalena,” I heard from behind me, causing me to almost jump out of my skin. Luckily I recognized the voice behind me or I would’ve reacted a little differently.
“Oh hey, Weston. What are you up to this afternoon?” I asked as I turned around to face him, still running the brush down the horse’s side.
“I was looking for you, actually. I wanted to see how you were doing,” he questioned, as he put his hands in his back pockets and rocked back on his heels.
After I brushed Shadow a couple more times, I stood and walked over to the side of the stall to hang up the brush. I wiped my hands on the sides of my pants, then finally turned to look at him moments later. It was unfortunate that he came in here when he did. If Max hadn’t pissed me off to no return, he wouldn’t get the attitude that was about to escape my mouth.
“I’m fine. Why do you keep trying with me? I told you I was a lost cause. There’s no need for us to get to know each other. You work for Clyde, which means you work for me in a sense. There’s no reason for you to want to help me or get me to try and live again. You have a job to do and that’s it.” I wasn’t in the mood to be disturbed or talk with anyone.
Seeing Max today brought it all back, and I didn’t know if I could get back to the place where Weston left me this morning.
“Whoa there. I actually like to get to know the people in my life. If not for any other reason than I care. I’m not some heartless person. However, in your case, I feel a connection. One I don’t want to explain. There’s something about the way I feel when I’m around you,” he attempted to explain as he held his hands up in the air to surrender.
“I get it. You want to save me. You want to fix me. Newsflash. I can’t be fixed so stop trying. I’m broken beyond repair. Better yet, I don’t want to be fixed. I want to remain broken until the day I die.” My voice got higher and higher the more I spoke.
“That’s no way to live. I never made any inclination that I wanted to fix you. I just want to get to know you because I’m curious about the people in my life. People who could be around my daughter. I just want to be your friend if you’d let me. Someone you can confide in. Someone who can help you heal from the pain that you’re in,” he stated, shocking me to my core. Why would a complete stranger even want to try with me?
“And you know exactly how I should live? Is that it? Trust me, it’s the only way I can live,” I rebuffed, being evasive enough so that he couldn’t get completely inside my head.
“Why do you keep pushing me away? Why can’t you just let go and let me help you?” he screamed as he raked his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends. He backed up to the other side of the barn and leaned against the adjacent stall.
“Because that crazy woman was right. Can’t you see what letting people get close to me does? Everyone dies, Weston. I let them near me. I grow to care about them and love them, then BAM. They all leave me on this earth alone. I have no one but Clyde and Shadow, and even with them I don’t get too close. It’s better that way. No one else will ever die again because they knew me. I couldn’t take it if anything ever happened to you or Grace because we were friends.”
“You do realize how crazy that sounds, right? People don’t die because they know someone. They die because it’s their time to go. What crazy woman are you talking about?” His voice slightly lower but not by much.
“She told me when I was younger, I’d live a lonely life and people around me would die. Look around you. Do you see anyone that used to be in my life here? No you don’t. You want to know why? Because they all fucking died. Every last one of them. Year after year, I had to bury yet another person I loved because they all left me. I came out here to live out my life alone. I didn’t come out here hoping to move on. That’ll never happen,” I exclaimed, still not answering the one question he needed clarified.
“Who told you that?” he firmly asked, not letting me get away with avoiding his question.
I looked to the ground, refusing to answer, hoping like hell he’d just drop it and leave. Apparently I wouldn’t get that lucky because the next thing I knew he was stalking across the aisle of the barn on a mission.
He stood in front of me and took my face in his hands, lifting my head until I was looking up at him. I couldn’t hide the fear in my expression quick enough, and I could tell that he noticed my expression by the haunted look that appeared in his eyes.
“Who told you that, Magdalena?” he repeated in a whisper.
I swallowed hard, my eyes searching his for a few moments. My mouth opened but quickly shut, because part of me was afraid to speak the words aloud.
Before I could back out, I whispered, “A fortune teller.” I quickly looked to the ground so that I didn’t see his expression. The gasp that escaped his throat let me know that I’d just shocked him even more.
“Are you serious right now?” he asked harshly, causing me to jump. His tone alone frightened me enough that I quickly backed away toward the other end of the barn.
Without taking my eyes off of him, I watched as he looked down and kicked his foot off of the dirt and then looked back up at me. A second passed before he was walking toward the direction that I had headed. My steps never faltered as I picked up the pace.
“Magdalena,” he yelled after me. Only I didn’t stop. I ran through the open barn door and out into the night.
He picked up his pace and ran after me, catching up to me when I got back to the front of the barn.
“Hey,” he softly said as he grabbed my arm.
“It’s not safe to be running off alone out here in the dark,” he stated as he continued to hold my arm.
“What? You want to laugh at me some more? I don’t need you to do that. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to speak to you anymore,” I spit out as I attempted to move my arm out of his hold.
“I wasn’t laughing. I was just caught off guard. You don’t seem like the type of person to believe in that sort of thing,” he explained, refusing to let go of my arm.
“Right,” I bit back as I jerked my arm out of his hold and crossed my arms over my chest.
“I’m serious. Now, when did this fortune teller tell you this?”
“Why should I tell you? You obviously think I’m crazy,” I deflected as I let out a frustrated sigh.
“Stop trying to change the subject and just tell me. It might make you feel a little better and stop acting like an ice queen,” he goaded. What the hell did he just call me? We were going to get to that later.
“You’re impossible. You know that?” I asked, as I turned away from him. Only he shocked me even more when he grabbed my other arm and turned me back to face him.
“Can you answer the question now? I can do this all night,” he smirked, the cockiness exuding off of him.
“Fine. When I was fourteen. Can we drop it now?”
“Fourteen? How did you even get into a place like that? You have to be eighteen to visit one I think?”
“You do, but we were at the fair. It was just supposed to be for fun. A joke. But, what she said kept coming true,” I answered, tired of deflecting and hoping now that he knew he’d let it go.
“So you think because this fortune teller said everyone around you would die, that it’s automatically true? There’s no way you can believe that someone like that can foresee the future.”
“I didn’t. Not at first. But she told my friend Jessica she would live a short life and she died two months later. I
was still skeptical, but then my grandparents died when I was sixteen. At the age of nineteen, my parents died. They just all kept dying. And each time someone else I loved died, I heard that woman’s voice telling me how I’d live out my life alone. It’s hard to not believe something like that could be true when you’re young and impressionable. I thought things were finally looking up. I’d finally be able to be happy, but then….”
“But then what?” he coaxed as he walked toward me. When he was close enough, he brushed his fingers down my arm in a comforting gesture.
“I finally lost it all.”
“How’s that?”
“I can’t do this,” I whispered as I turned my head away from his, covering my mouth with my hand. I knew this would be the most difficult conversation that we’d have, but it needed to be done.
He pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on top of my head. I should have push him away, but it was nice to be comforted when I was scared or remembering all of the bad events from my past. I tensed momentarily but leaned into his embrace, my head resting on his shoulder.
Between his kindness and my confession, I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. Instead of allowing him to see my weakness, I burrowed my head into his shoulder and let them fall, hoping that he wouldn’t take notice.
Within seconds of my shoulders beginning to shake, he moved my head back and lifted it so that I could look up to him.
“What’s got you crying, sweetheart?” he asked in a whispered tone as he took his thumbs and wiped away the wetness.
“It hurts so badly,” I admitted as I grabbed my chest. I started to wobble and he had to grip my arms to keep me from falling to the ground.
“They’re gone. Every last person I’ve ever loved is gone. I could handle losing my parents and grandparents. It hurt like hell, but I got through it with the help of Andrew. I tried not to love him, but he commanded it somehow. We were happy. I finally stopped living in fear until our son was born. Liam was the light of my life, but suddenly I feared everything, especially leaving him. I looked for something bad to happen at every turn. Andrew was the only one who could get me to see reason and live in the moment. The day I buried them both was the day I wished I’d died right along with them. You see, I don’t really have anything left to live for. I’m trying, but seeing that light at the end of the tunnel becomes harder and not easier every day. It takes all of my energy to focus on the good each day can bring and not focus on what I should have right now. You appear to be cocky and confident. Isn’t there something that you’re so afraid of that you fear that worry and anxiety will end up ruling your life if you let it?” I confessed as I took the back of my hand and wiped away the remnants of my tears.
Desolate Page 12
