Determine what part of the test counts for the most points. Spend a proportionate amount of your time on this section.
When possible, reuse facts and information from the multiple-choice portion of an exam in an essay question.
POLITICS
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HOW TO SURVIVE A SEX SCANDAL
1 Circle the family.
Gather your spouse, children, and any other available family members for a photo op showing them standing around you looking proud and trusting. Invite the press to film you at a family picnic or volleyball game. Present yourself as a solid family person whose family members continue to support you.
2 Respond quickly.
If the allegations of sexual impropriety are true and can be proved, apologize and say you have asked your family for forgiveness and they have granted it. Then ask voters for forgiveness. If charges against you are false—or true but cannot be proved—vigorously deny them in front of media cameras and urge reporters to respect you and your family’s privacy.
3 Do not lie.
Providing inaccurate accounts of your activities may create a whole new avenue for problems.
4 Move on.
When pressed about the scandal by reporters, say you want to focus on issues that affect the everyday lives of your constituents rather than your personal life. Invite the press along to film you engaging in job-related activities such as talking to voters or signing legislation. Present yourself as someone who is too dedicated to his work to let a personal crisis keep him from going forward with more important matters.
5 Leave town.
If the scandal persists, arrange travel on official business. Do not allow reporters to go along, and do not give a press conference when you arrive. Be visible and untroubled, but not quotable. If you cut off reporters’ access to you, the story may die down.
6 Take refuge in rehab.
If the furor over the scandal does not dissipate, declare that you have an alcohol or prescription drug dependency that drove you to the impropriety. Then check into a secure and secluded rehabilitation clinic.
7 Ask for forgiveness.
Upon checking out of the rehab clinic, declare that you are cured and now a far better person who can’t wait to get back to working for voters. Ask again for forgiveness and vow to work even harder on important issues.
Only appear in wholesome family situations.
8 Declare war.
If the scandal refuses to die down, announce a bold new initiative, such as a war against crime, or if you are in a position to do so, declare war on a small country.
BE AWARE!
Outside of England and the United States, sexual dalliances are more casually considered by the public.
HOW TO PRETEND YOU CARE
Act Like You’re Actually Listening
Lean toward the speaker.
Lean closer when a voter talks to you, as though you want to hear every word she says. If appropriate, emphasize your undivided attention through physical contact by grasping the voter’s arm or putting your hand on her shoulder.
Mirror the voter’s body language.
If you are face to face with the voter, mirror her posture and body language. This common sales technique makes it appear as if you are listening intently.
Pause before responding.
After the voter has finished speaking, act as though you are digesting what you have just heard and are thinking about an answer, even if you already know exactly what you are going to say.
Address the speaker by name.
Establish a friendly rapport by using her first name. Ask her to remind you if you forgot her name or if she failed to tell you. If the voter holds an office or honorary title, use that instead of the first name. If the voter is a senior, call him or her by the last name prefaced by “Mr.” or “Mrs.” as a sign of respect.
Mimic the voter’s emotion.
If you appear to share the feelings of the voter, she will be more likely to believe that you have heard and appreciated what she has said to you. She will also be much more likely to believe what you say to her.
Integrate the voter’s own words into your response.
The voter will hear familiar language and believe that you are engaged and on point.
Ask a question.
Pick out a key phrase from what the speaker just said, and use it to construct a simple question to seem further interested. The voter’s “Taxes are too high” becomes your question, “Have taxes become too much of a worry for you?”
Do not yawn, sigh, or roll your eyes.
Appear to Agree
Nod.
If a voter is expressing an opinion or telling you something positive, nod along as he speaks. Alternate between smiling and tightening your lips while nodding to avoid looking as though you are nodding on autopilot.
Accentuate the positive.
If a voter expresses an opinion that you only partially agree with, focus on the part of his statement that you do agree with. Reiterate your support without discussing other aspects of the voter’s statement.
Sidestep confrontation.
If a voter has staked out a position that you vigorously disagree with, respond with a noncommittal acknowledgment like “I hear what you’re saying” or “That’s interesting. I’m glad you shared that.” Clap the voter on the back and smile, then move on.
If the voter insists on arguing, bring up a common belief or value that no one can dispute.
Relate your statement to the political process or patriotism. For example, “You and I are both patriots who want to do what’s best for our country. That means we have to hear each other out and respect each other’s opinions, then work together to solve the problem.”
Do not scowl, grimace, or curse.
HOW TO SIMPLIFY A COMPLICATED MESSAGE
Be emotional.
Effective and memorable political messages depend on inspiring emotional responses from voters that drive them to polls. Invigorate your material with emotion suggestive of deep engagement in the issue or situation. Most voters vote with their hearts first.
Draw a picture.
Reduce the issue or situation to a single image or pair of opposing images in which it is clear what is good and what is bad. A criminal walking through a revolving prison door and a child holding a flower pointed at a soldier with a rifle are strong images. The direct connection between the images and the issue is less important than the positive or negative emotional reactions that they stir in support of your campaign or against your opponent’s campaign.
Use an analogy.
In circumstances where visuals cannot be readily used, describe the situation or issue in terms of a familiar, folksy saying in which it is obvious what is preferable, in a way that even the least sophisticated of voters can understand and appreciate. Associate your opponent with the negative aspect or outcome.
Remove all doubt.
Remove all shading, nuance, or equivocation from your statements about the issue. State that any acknowledgment of complication surrounding the issue by your opponent is a sign of weakness or being “soft” on the matter at hand.
Compare and contrast.
Paint the issue as a conflict in the broadest possible terms, between right and wrong, or good and evil. Point out that your side is right and good, while the opposition is wrong and evil.
Accept.
Observe.
Kiss.
Return.
HOW TO KISS A DROOLING BABY
1 Take the baby from the parent.
Place your feet about hip distance apart to increase balance. Fully extend your arms away from your body, locking your elbows to help maintain maximum distance. Grasp the baby firmly beneath the arms so she is facing you.
2 Get a good look.
Raise your arms so the baby’s head is about six inches above your own. Smile broadly and look admiringly at her. Maintain visual contact with the baby’s drool streams. Hold
this position long enough to allow any high-flow drool to drip off her face and into the space between the two of you.
3 Kiss the baby.
Aim for a dry area of the baby’s cheeks or chin. If all these areas are drooled on, kiss her on the forehead. Hold the position long enough to let your staff photographer and any nearby photojournalists snap a picture.
4 Return the baby to the parent.
As you hand the baby back to the parent, offer a compliment about the baby or ask the parent a friendly question about her to make it appear that she has made a deep and positive impression on you. Thank the parent for having such a wonderful child and move on.
SPORTS
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HOW TO SKI OFF A 100-FOOT DROP
1 Look for danger below.
Just before you ski off the edge of the cliff, look down and out over the slope. If your projected path takes you toward rocks, trees, or another cliff, change your takeoff angle by jumping to the left or right so that you will head toward safer, wide-open terrain.
2 Jump up and off the ledge.
Just as you are leaving the ground, hop up and slightly forward to help you clear any rocks or other obstructions that may be hidden just below the ledge and that could knock you off balance.
3 Pull your legs and skis up and tuck them under your rear end.
This compressed “ball” position will help you to maintain balance while airborne and help you to land safely.
4 Thrust both arms out in front of you, elbows slightly bent.
Avoid the “cat out the window” position, where your arms and hands are splayed out above your head. That position will put you off balance when you land.
5 Look out, not down.
Looking down at the ground will lead to a “door hinge” landing, where you bend forward at the waist and plant your face in the slope. Look out over the mountain.
6 Focus on a suitable landing site.
Land on very steep terrain. Avoid a low-angled slope or, worse, a flat section of the mountain. As long as the snow is powder and at least one foot deep, you should be able to land without serious injury.
7 Bend your knees as you land.
As you approach the side of the mountain, keep your knees bent to absorb the force of the impact with the ground. Avoid leaning back, which will cause a “tail first” landing and probable back injury. If you cannot ski away from a landing, land on your hip. Do not lean too far forward or you will fall on your face.
8 Extend your feet, bend your knees, and turn across (or “into”) the mountain to slow down.
Because of your extreme speed while airborne, you must minimize acceleration by turning as soon as you land, or you risk hurtling down the mountain out of control. Modern skis should stay on top of deep powder instead of sinking, giving you a reasonable amount of control.
9 Continue making turns to keep control and reduce speed as you ski away.
WARNING!
If you feel yourself falling backward while airborne, move your hands farther in front of you and make fast circular motions, forward and back. This balancing maneuver is called “rolling down the windows.”
In any jump greater than 15 feet, avoid landing in the same spot where a previous jumper landed; the snow will already be compacted and will not provide sufficient cushioning.
HOW TO SURVIVE A STADIUM RIOT
1 Scan the crowd.
Quickly determine the focus of the rioting: mascot, goalpost, star player, referee, fans, band members, coaches, or cheerleaders. Physically distance yourself as quickly as possible.
2 Hide any obvious team affiliation.
If the mob appears to be attacking your team’s fans, remove any clothing items with team colors, letters, or emblems. If you can stuff these items into a nondescript bag or plastic bag, do so and take them with you. If not, leave them behind.
3 Create a protective helmet.
Stuff crumpled-up newspaper or cardboard inside your hat for cushioning (if your hat bears a logo, turn it inside out). If you do not have a hat, place an empty popcorn tub or other container over your head.
4 Move away from the mascots.
Regardless of whether they are the focus of the riot, both teams’ mascots are especially vulnerable to attack. Stay well clear of either mascot.
5 Observe movement patterns.
Most rioters move en masse in a single direction toward a particular object. Determine which way the mob is headed.
6 Watch for projectiles.
Bend your knees and keep your head low to avoid flying cans, bottles, pennants, water balloons, rocks, pipes, benches, people, or other objects.
7 Move sideways through the crowd to the nearest exit.
Avoid moving forward (toward the center of the riot) or backward (against the surging mob).
WARNING!
If you are the cause of the riot due to your actions as a fan, player, or mascot, ditch your uniform or suit and run.
HOW TO SURVIVE A TWO-WAVE HOLD-DOWN
1 Bail your board.
If you are in the impact zone (the area where the lip of the wave meets the trough), dive off your board.
2 Avoid the “washing machine.”
The washing machine, the white water that occurs as the wave crashes, is turbulent, full of air, and difficult to pierce and swim in. Attempting to surface through it will extend your hold-down.
3 Do not struggle.
Fighting a very big (or “rogue”) wave will quickly exhaust you and increases your risk of drowning. Remember to “think before you sink.”
4 Dive.
Swim as deep as you can. Big-wave leashes (the rope that connects you to your floating board) may be 20 feet long, allowing you to go very deep.
5 Allow the first wave to pass over you.
6 Locate the board’s leash.
If you are disoriented and unable to determine which way is up, grab your ankle and “follow your leash.” Since the leash is attached to your floating surfboard, it will lead you to the surface.
7 Swim toward the surface.
As you approach the surface, place your hands above your head. Your surfboard may be “tombstoning,” with its tail submerged and its nose pointing to the sky. Positioning your arms above your head will protect you from hitting your surfboard, a Jet Ski, or another wiped-out surfer as you come up for air.
8 Wait out the set of waves by diving underneath them.
Waves typically come in sets of three to five, depending on the day and surf conditions. Count the waves as they break so that you’ll know when the water will calm. Swim as deep as you can and curl your body into a defensive ball as the waves pass overhead. Come up for a quick breath between each wave, if possible, as you wait for the set to subside.
9 Paddle to calmer water.
When the set has passed, swim to the surface. Climb on your surfboard and paddle as fast as you can farther out to sea, beyond the impact zone, or into the “channel,” the blue water that is sometimes to the left or right of the white water.
WARNING!
Never position your surfboard between your body and a big wave: it will smash into you.
Never put your back to the waves unless you are paddling to catch a wave and ride it.
A big wave may hold you down for more than 30 seconds.
Stay down to wait out the wave set.
Grab the club of the irate golfer as it starts to descend or at the top of the swing.
Tuck the club under your armpit, and wrench it away by rotating away from the irate golfer
HOW TO DISARM AN IRATE GOLFER
1 Determine the level of danger.
If a golfer is waving a club around angrily or drunkenly, or is exhibiting undue hostility, it may be necessary to act quickly to restore order and safety.
2 Try to talk him down.
Speak calmly, keeping your tone even and your voice low. Do not make sudden gestures or movements. Remind him that it’s only a game. Tell
him to take a few deep breaths.
3 If he threathens to strike, quickly move into the center of the potential swing.
As he draws the club back to swing at you, approach him at an angle that will bring you to the center of the club. Try to remain close to his body. You are much more likely to be injured by the outer end of the club.
4 Grab the club.
At the top of his swing, or just as the club starts to descend, step close to him and, using one or both hands, clutch the club tightly near the grip. Pull down, staying close to him, until you can wrap your arm around the club. Hold the shaft with your armpit while keeping a firm grasp on the club’s grip.
5 Wrench the club away.
Maintaining your hold, rotate your body around, away from the golfer’s face. This maneuver should give you the leverage you need to wrench the club out of his grip. Pull with just enough force to free the club from his grasp.
6 Step back quickly, and be prepared for him to continue to be angry and to flail.
If necessary, use the club to keep him away from his bag, where he might obtain a second weapon.
7 If necessary, call for help.
Seek the assistance of your fellow golfers to help defuse the situation.
8 Continue to talk to him until he calms down.
WARNING!
It is always advisable to make all possible attempts to avoid physical confrontation. Your first choice should be to ignore and walk away from an irate golfer. Your next choice should be to use verbal skills to calm the golfer by speaking in low tones and showing understanding. Become physical only as a last resort, to avoid greater injury to yourself or others.
Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook Page 16
