Bring snacks.
Enter the meeting with doughnuts and coffee, chips and dips, or bagels.
Hover outside the meeting room talking on your phone.
Pace back and forth within sight and, if possible, hearing of people at the meeting. Loudly say “terrific” even if you are faking a call. Then walk confidently and smiling into the meeting.
Lower expectations.
When running 20 minutes late, call the office and have a message relayed to the meeting that you are running 45 minutes late. When you arrive, accept thanks for rushing.
Enter “commando style.”
Crawl into the room on your stomach, below your coworkers’ line of sight.
Lie down on your stomach just outside the entrance to the conference room, clutching your laptop to your chest. When a colleague opens the door to go to the restroom, wriggle into the room on your stomach, remaining below eye level with those inside. Climb up on and into a chair.
Enter wheeling a cart full of files and materials.
Create the impression that you have been gathering vital information and just could not stop.
Give yourself a handicap.
Enter the meeting wearing an arm sling or tourniquet, in a wheelchair with a full-leg cast, or pushing an IV tube on a cart. Do not offer any explanation for your condition.
Create a diversion outside the meeting room.
Set fire to a wastepaper basket, turn chickens loose in the hall, or otherwise cause people to leave the meeting room. When they return, slip in with them.
HOW TO BREAK IN TO A CAR
How to Break in to a Car with a Hanger
1 Take a wire hanger and bend it into a long J.
2 Square off the bottom of the J so that the square is 11/2 to 2 inches wide (see illustration).
3 Slide the hanger into the door, between the window and the weather stripping.
Open the door by feel and by trial and error. Feel for the end of the button rod and, when you have it, pull it up to open the lock.
How to Break in to a Car with a Slim Jim
A slim jim is a thin piece of spring steel with a notch in one side, which makes it easy to pull the lock rod up. It can be purchased at most automotive supply stores.
1 Slide the tool gently between the window and the weather stripping.
Some cars will give you only a 1/4 inch of access to the lock linkage, so go slowly and be patient.
2 Do not jerk the tool trying to find the lock rod.
This can break the lock linkage, and on autolocks it can easily rip the wires in the door.
3 Move the tool back and forth until it grabs the lock rod, and then gently move it until the lock flips up.
How to Pick a Car Lock
1 You will need two tools—one to manipulate the pins or wafers inside the lock core and one to turn the cylinder.
You can use a small Allen wrench to turn the lock and a long bobby pin to move the pins and wafers. Keep in mind that many car locks are harder to pick than door locks. They often have a small shutter that covers and protects the lock, and this can make the process more difficult.
2 While the bobby pin is in the lock, exert constant and light turning pressure with the wrench.
This is the only way to discern if the pins or wafers—which line up with the notches and grooves in a key—are lined up correctly. Most locks have five pins.
3 Move the bobby pin to manipulate the pins or wafers until you feel the lock turn smoothly.
Alternate Method
Use a key that will unlock a different car from the same manufacturer.
With a hanger. Take a wire hanger and bend it into a long J.
Square off bottom.
Slide hanger in door between glass and weather stripping Feel for the end of the button rod and lift up.
There are surprisingly few lock variations, and the alien key may just work.
BE AWARE!
Most cars that are more than 20 years old have vertical, pushbutton locks. These are locks that come straight out of the top of the car door and have rods that are set vertically inside the door. These locks can be easily opened with a wire hanger or a slim jim, or picked, as described at left. Newer cars have horizontal locks, which emerge from the side of the car door and are attached to horizontal lock rods. These are more difficult to manipulate without a special tool but can also be picked.
Only seek to enter your own car.
GETTING A JOB
* * *
* * *
HOW TO SURVIVE THE INTERVIEW
If You Are Late
1 Call ahead.
If you are stuck in traffic or otherwise running late, call as soon as you know you will be substantially late. Ask to reschedule, either later in the day or on another day.
2 Clean yourself up.
Use a bathroom before meeting your interviewer if you are sweaty and disheveled when you arrive. Wash your face with cold water and blot it dry with paper towels. Gargle. Check your teeth for pieces of food.
3 Apologize.
Tell the interviewer you are sorry for your tardiness, but do not overdo the apology. Do not fabricate an explanation that can easily be verified. The following are acceptable excuses, if true.
The traffic was terrible.
There was an accident on the bridge.
My car caught on fire.
I was stuck in the elevator.
I had to take my mother/daughter/pet to the emergency room.
Do not say:
My alarm clock is broken.
I lost track of the time.
I couldn’t find my belt.
I was out so late last night…
If You Are Asked a Difficult or Leading Question
1 Always respond with a positive.
If the interviewer says, “I see you don’t have experience,” counter with, “That’s true, but I’ve always wanted to learn and I’m a quick study!”
2 Use personal experiences to demonstrate strengths in areas that are professionally weak.
If the interviewer asks about project management experience and you don’t have any, talk about planning your wedding or organizing a large family function (hiring vendors, designing a database, and creating seating charts based on the interests of guests).
Résumé Euphemisms
WHAT YOU DID WHAT YOU CALL IT
Worked for a company with a Web site Internet pioneer
Ran failed businesses Experienced entrepreneur
Filed for bankruptcy Fiscal realist
Grew backyard tomatoes Small farm owner
Had children Child advocate
Got fired Friend of the working people
Dropped out of college Learned by experience
Took inconsistent positions on issues Maverick
3 Answer confidently.
It isn’t always what you say, but how you say it. Often, questions are designed to assess your professional attitude and maturity level more than your knowledge base. Be sincere in your responses, and act professionally—even if you don’t have a good answer. Be straightforward, even when your answer is “I don’t know.”
4 Memorize the following good answers to these stan dard, hard-to-address questions:
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: At a good job in this industry, at a good company, learning and contributing to the company’s growth.
Q: Why should I hire you?
A: I’ve got the right experience, I understand your needs, and I’m a good team player—both in the office and on the softball field.
Q: Why did you quit your last job?
A: I simply wasn’t able to contribute to the company’s future in the way I wanted. I’m looking for more opportunities for myself, and for a company that can fully utilize my abilities.
5 Prepare a last-resort response.
If you are asked the one question you dreaded, take a page from the politicians’ playbook: Acknowledge the question, then move o
n. Say, “I’m very glad you asked that, and I’d like to give it some thought. But I’d really like to discuss…”
Combine items of clothing to cover tattoos.
HOW TO DISGUISE A TATTOO
1 Wear long sleeves.
Long-sleeved shirts can cover arm and shoulder tattoos. The garment should be a dark, medium-weight fabric, not sheer or ultrathin; lightweight white shirts and blouses will not effectively cover upper-body tattoos in bright light.
2 Wear a scarf and hat.
A tasteful scarf (for women) or ascot (for men) can be used to hide neck tattoos. A wide-brimmed hat is effective for concealing forehead tattoos.
3 Wear boots.
Cover ankle tattoos with ankle boots, but they should be worn to an interview only if accompanied by a pantsuit or a long skirt. Do not wear cowboy boots or high-top, lace-up shoes to a job interview.
4 Wear pants or dark stockings.
For leg tattoos, wear pants, or use cosmetics (see step 5) and wear black or off-black medium-sheer hosiery; ultra-sheer hosiery will not hide a tattoo. (Colored tattoos may be noticeable even through opaque stockings without the preliminary application of makeup.)
5 Apply a layer of eye shadow over the tattoo.
Use matte shadow without sparkle. Depending on the tattoo’s colors and complexity, you may need to apply multiple colors of eye shadow:
Dark tattoo colors (black, blue, purple): Use yellow eye shadow to cover.
Red: Use light green eye shadow to cover.
Yellow: Use light to medium pink eye shadow to cover. If no eye shadow is available, use colored makeup.
6 Apply full-coverage makeup.
Use a layer of thick, full-coverage foundation that matches your skin tone. Cover with a dusting of translucent powder to set the coverage. Allow the makeup to dry.
HOW TO CLEAN UP YOUR ONLINE REPUTATION
1 Take down your own postings.
The vast majority of embarrassing material about people online are things they posted themselves. Remove all such material from your Facebook page, MySpace page, Classmates page, and anywhere else it appears. When evaluating whether material is unacceptable, imagine that you are your grandmother or a potential employer.
2 Block outsiders.
Reset the “settings” on your social networking profiles to limit access to people you have approved.
3 Search for your name.
Find your entire online presence by searching for yourself in all the various search engines. Dig in to all the result pages and open every link. Look for pictures from your past in which you are doing embarrassing or questionable activities.
4 Search smarter.
Redo your search, this time searching for just your last name, in combination with your hometown, college, or any institution you’ve been a member of.
5 Politely request removal.
E-mail the administrator of any site that includes dubious material relating to you, and ask him politely to remove it.
6 Litigiously request removal.
Draft a threatening e-mail and send to the site owner, with a cc: to your local prosecutor’s office. Generally it is impossible to force removal of noncopyrighted personal photographs, but the threat of a lawsuit can be enough to intimidate nonexperts.
7 Clarify photographs.
For those unremovable photos that show you intoxicated or in a compromising position, add photo “tags” or captions that condemn your identical twin’s behavior, or express regret over your decade lost to amnesia.
8 Counterpost
Flood the Internet with attractive, nonincriminating photographs of yourself, and launch a blog detailing your charity work. The more positive material you post, the further the negative material is exiled to the end of the search results.
Signs of a troubled workplace
Slouching and pouting.
Staff leaves promptly at quitting time.
HOW TO IDENTIFY A NIGHTMARE WORKPLACE
1 Interview at the beginning or end of the day.
Arrive early for your morning interview and observe the workers as they arrive. Slouching, pouting, and dejected expressions indicate low morale. Note whether workers acknowledge the receptionist with a smile and a greeting or are oblivious to the receptionist. With an interview at the end of the day, observe if large numbers of workers leave promptly at quitting time, which may indicate a bored, clock-watching staff. Large numbers of people working late, however, may indicate that employees are overworked and deadlines are unrealistic.
2 Examine the bathrooms.
Are the bathrooms clean? Is there enough toilet paper? Are paper towels strewn about the floor? Lack of attention to these small details may indicate a lack of respect for the workplace and lack of attention to larger details.
3 Monitor the air quality.
Does the work area have natural light and outside air? Is the environment quiet? Is the air too hot or too cold? Are there any rancid or chemical smells? Is smoke billowing from any vents or machinery? Are workers sniffing or sneezing frequently? All of these are indicators of poor air quality or a “sick” workplace.
4 Look for signs of a troubled workplace.
Lack of personal photos on desks—only motivational images of rowers and bears catching salmon
Droopy eyelids obscuring the whites of the workers’ eyes
Multiple sandwiches (partially eaten) and cans of soda at workstations
Employees sleeping, doodling, or fistfighting at meetings
Employees with their foreheads on their desks, fists pounding the desktops
Outdated or no-longer-manufactured candy in the vending machine
Brown water in the cooler
Flickering or humming fluorescent lights
Music playing through speakers in the ceiling
Warning: Hazardous Waste signs
Groups of workers whispering
Individual workers whispering to themselves
Groups of workers silently praying
Office layout based on slave ship rather than feng shui
Carpet stains that could be coffee, could be blood
If you observe three or more of the above danger signs, you may have discovered a nightmare workplace.
5 Evaluate.
Is this the job for you?
ON THE JOB
* * *
* * *
HOW TO SURVIVE A SPILL IN AISLE SEVEN
1 Stay with the spill.
Monitor the area from the moment you discover it.
2 Examine the spilled item.
A spill will be “dry,” “wet,” or “wet with glass.” Determine which type you are facing.
3 Announce the spill.
Shout, “Wet spill with glass, aisle seven.” Ask the employee who responds to remain with the spill while you get cleaning materials.
4 Prepare the cleaning supplies.
Bring a broom, dustpan, and rolling garbage can with bag if the spill is dry. If the spill is wet or wet with glass, also get two Caution signs, rubber gloves, paper towels, a rag mop, and a filled bucket with wringer. Add an all-purpose cleaning agent to the water.
5 Prepare the spill area.
Place a Caution sign on either side of a wet spill. Keep your bucket clear of the spilled material to avoid leaving tracks when you move it.
6 Remove the glass pieces and sweep.
Wearing the rubber gloves, pick up all noticeable glass shards and place them in the garbage bag. (Use paper towels if no gloves are available.) Sweep as much of the spilled item into the dustpan as possible and dump in the garbage can.
7 Mop.
Thoroughly soak the mop head. Mop using short, back-and-forth strokes until no spillage remains. Avoid wide strokes, which will spread the spilled item. Dunk the mop head in the water frequently and wring thoroughly.
8 Check the floor.
Some items (spaghetti sauce, for example) may stain floor surfaces. If you cannot remove the stain by mopping, leave a
message for the night cleaning staff to clean and buff the area.
9 Leave the signs in place.
10 Wait 20 minutes, then check the spill area.
Remove the signs when the floor is dry.
Turn off machine; cut the tie or call for help.
HOW TO REMOVE A TIE CAUGHT IN A DOCUMENT FEEDER
1 Determine how quickly you will need to act.
If your breathing is constricted, do not hesitate—cut the tie off quickly (see step 5). You may be able to reduce some of the constriction by getting as close to the feeder as possible.
2 If your breathing is not constricted, try pulling the tie.
Use firm but steady pressure. Do not yank: if the document feeder uses gear-driven rollers, you may strip the gears or tear the tie. If the feeder is particularly powerful, you may be unable to pull the tie out.
3 Turn off the copier.
If you can reach the power switch, turn it off. Alternatively, yank or kick out the power cord.
4 Search the area for a cutting implement.
Copier areas often house scissors, utility knives, paper cutters, and other devices you might use to cut the tie free. Open the copier supply door and look in there. Feel around on nearby tables and inside nearby cabinets for useful items.
5 Make a single fast cut across the tie at its shortest visible point.
Pull the tie taut with your neck or free hand, and slice through it quickly.
Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook Page 25
