Ryan cleared his throat. “Lauren and I talked about it and if we accept this offer, she’ll take her house off the market and I’ll pay it off so Rosie can live there rent-free.”
“That’s very generous,” Mitch said. “But I think we should subtract the payoff on Lauren’s house from the profit on the lodge before we split up the money.”
“I agree,” Liz said, and Sean added his agreement.
They had it all figured out, Josh thought. They’d all spent days dwelling on the situation and they’d found a way to make it work. For him.
He suddenly realized he was cold. Not like a chill from a draft, but a cold that seemed to come straight from his bones. They were all willing to sacrifice the Northern Star to make him happy, but none of them wanted to. He could see it in their eyes and hear it in Liz’s voice.
His family would be hurt. Whitford would lose the ATV access to town before they’d even gotten to reap some benefits from the work they’d put in so far. People like Dave Carmody and his boy would have to find a new place and start new traditions. And then there was Rose. Even though the offer of Lauren’s house was there, it wouldn’t be her home. He tried not to think about Katie, but she was in his head, too.
“So what’s it going to be?” Ryan said, his tone letting everybody know he wanted this conversation to be over.
One by one, starting with Mitch and going down by age as if it had been planned that way, they all agreed to the sale until it came down to what should have been Josh’s vote.
“I guess it’s unanimous, then,” Mitch said, probably assuming he was a yes vote, and the silence that followed was a boulder crushing the air from Josh’s lungs.
It was right there—everything he wanted. He’d have freedom from the lodge and enough money from his share of the sale to figure out what he wanted to do and where he wanted to do it.
“Wait.” Everybody turned to him, but he couldn’t seem to squeeze any more words out.
“Don’t do this to yourself, kid,” Sean said after a long silence. “It’s a big deal, so it hits home a little, but we told you we’re one hundred percent behind you. We mean that.”
“It’s okay, Josh.” Liz’s voice sounded small over the speakers, but he could hear the tremor.
“I can’t.” Even as he got the words out, he knew they were the truth. He couldn’t sell the Northern Star.
“This is an excellent offer and not one we’re likely to see again anytime soon,” Mitch said in a tone that was all business. “This season’s going well, but we’re not in a place yet to offer an outside manager financial security, so hiring a manager’s not an option yet. You want out and this is the best opportunity.”
“I wanted a choice.” Josh dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his temples. “I just wanted a goddamn choice.”
“Nothing’s changed for the rest of us,” Ryan said. “We can’t run the lodge, so either you’re in or we’re all out.”
“I can’t do it.” He stood abruptly, barely noticing that his chair fell over. “We’re not selling. Sorry you all had to drive up here for nothing.”
He walked out the back door, his chest so tight he felt as if he couldn’t breathe, even though evidence to the contrary hovered in front of his face in frosty clouds. For the first time in his life he’d been given a choice. And he’d made it.
Picking up a chunk of wood, he hurled it as hard as he could at the barn.
* * *
Katie heard the footsteps coming up the stairs to her apartment and knew it had to be Josh. The door at the street locked automatically, requiring most people to be buzzed in. There was a spare key to all the barbershop building’s doors, hanging at the lodge, but the footsteps sounded too heavy to be her mom’s.
Suddenly, she didn’t want to answer the door—didn’t want the answer to the question that had been hanging over her head since yesterday—but she figured if he used his key on the street door, he wouldn’t hesitate to use his key to the apartment if she didn’t let him in. He had to be coming to tell her in person he was leaving town. Anything less and he probably would have called.
Since there was no avoiding the conversation, she opened the door just as he lifted his hand to knock, and she stepped back to let him in. He looked beat, both physically and emotionally. And he didn’t kiss her as he walked past.
“Sorry I didn’t call first,” he said.
“No problem. You want a beer?”
“No, I’m good.” He sat on her couch and flopped back against the cushion. He looked like a man who needed a hug, but he’d gone out of his way to put distance between them and she was having a hard time crossing it. “Did Rosie tell you we had an offer on the lodge?”
“Yeah, she mentioned it, assuming you had told me”
“Why didn’t you say anything about it?”
“Why didn’t you?” The exhaustion on his face made her regret the sharp tone and she tried again. “I was hoping you’d tell me yourself. I don’t know why you couldn’t talk to me about it.”
“I should have.” He blew out a breath, staring at her ceiling. “I met with my brothers today. And Liz, by phone.”
She waited a few seconds but, when he didn’t say anything else, she went and sat next to him. “How did it go?”
“They all agreed to the sale.”
Even though she’d been expecting it, the words cut a lot deeper than she’d prepared herself for. There was a part of her—the part that had been Josh’s friend for their entire lives—that was happy for him, but most of her wanted to curl up and cry.
“I said no,” he added in a low voice.
Oh, God, she thought, what did that mean? Even though she desperately wished he’d decide to stay in Whitford to be with her, she didn’t actually want to be the reason he said no. Eventually he’d resent her as much as he resented the Northern Star. “Why? I thought it’s what you wanted.”
He lifted a hand, then let it drop back to his lap as if he didn’t know what to say. Then he turned his head to look at her. “Selling the lodge to that couple was a forever thing. It would never be home again and not just for me. For Rosie and the others. Did you know I sleep in the room that was Uncle Leo’s when he was a kid?”
She smiled and put her hand on his so he’d stop tapping it on his leg. He curled his fingers through hers. “I didn’t know that.”
“He carved my aunt Mary’s initials in the windowsill.”
She squeezed his hand. Generations of family might bring a sense of obligation, but they also came with a shared history and bond that couldn’t be easy to break away from. “What are you going to do now?”
“What I’ve always done.”
Something about the way he said it pulled at her heartstrings. He might not have been able to part with the place, but it hadn’t been a total change of heart. In a way, he still hadn’t really had a choice.
She let go of his hand so she could put her arm around his shoulders. Shifting a little into her embrace, Josh rested his head on her chest and tears blurred her vision as she stroked his arm
“Maybe plan B won’t take as long as you think,” she said. “The way business is going, it won’t be long before you can hire a manager to run it for the family.”
“Yeah.” She could tell by the flat way he said it that he didn’t really believe it.
“Do you want to go somewhere? We can go for a drive and find some food along the way.”
“I should get back to the lodge. I’ve been driving around half the damn day and Rosie just read me the riot act on the phone. Sean and Ryan want to say goodbye before they head out.”
“They’re not staying over another night?”
“I guess not. The storm track shifted, so it might be sloppy tomorrow. They all went out on the sleds after I left this morning and now they wa
nt to get home before the weather goes south. We’ve got a guy and his kids checking out early, too.”
“I’m glad you stopped by. And I’m glad you finally talked to me.”
He grabbed the hand she’d been rubbing his arm with and kissed her knuckles before holding it to his cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I don’t…talk about things well.”
“I know. Someday you’ll realize talking things out with somebody who cares about you can make things easier. Maybe.”
“I don’t want to go home. I want to stay here with you and relax.” He kissed her palm before pushing himself to his feet. “But I don’t want my brothers hitting bad weather because they were waiting for me.”
She stood and pulled him into a hug. “Call me if you want to talk later, okay? After you see your brothers again, I mean.”
He kissed her, and it was a long, slow, sweet kiss that made her tremble. “Thanks, Katie. I guess you’ll be stuck with me now, huh?”
She smiled, but after he’d let himself out, she sank onto a chair and let out a breath. She’d been so sure he’d come to tell her he was leaving Whitford she was still having trouble believing he wasn’t.
And even though she knew he was conflicted about the decision and probably angry to find himself still stuck in Whitford, she couldn’t help but be a little bit glad.
* * *
Sean was alone in the living room when Josh got home. The basement door had been ajar when he’d gone through the kitchen and he’d heard faint voices down there, so he’d assumed Andy and Rose had gone down there for something. And since he’d already noted that Ryan’s and Mitch’s vehicles were missing, he wasn’t surprised that Sean was the only one there.
“Just me, I guess,” Sean said when he saw Josh in the doorway. “Somebody just came out to ask for a lightbulb, so Andy and Rose went down to get it, but they knocked something over so they had to go back down. Said they’d be up in a few minutes.”
Josh nodded. Sounded like a normal Saturday night at the old home-sweet-home.
“You okay, kid?”
“Sure.” Josh shoved a hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “No, not really. What a total mind-fuck.”
“Mitch said to tell you he’s not responding to the offer until Monday. You can still change your mind.”
“I won’t.”
“Don’t make yourself into some kind of martyr for our sakes, Josh.”
“Screw you. I’m not playing the martyr here.” He sat in one of the chairs and rested his elbows on his knees. “It wasn’t all about you guys. Some of it, yeah, and Rosie. But it’s me, too. There’s a difference between wanting to get away from home and wanting home to go away forever.”
“Okay. As long as you’re not throwing yourself on the sword because of us.” Sean relaxed against the couch. “Ryan couldn’t wait. With the storm coming up from the south, he didn’t want to chance it. I’m going to hit the road myself pretty soon.”
“I feel like an asshole, making you drive here for nothing.”
“It wasn’t for nothing.” He was quiet for a moment, then cleared his throat. “I owe you an apology, Josh.”
“For what?”
“You know I had a really hard time growing up here. I wanted a regular house that didn’t have strangers in it all the time.”
“Katie had a hard time with it, too,” Josh said, smiling at the memory of New Year’s Eve.
“When I got out of the army, I told you I wanted to visit Uncle Leo and Aunt Mary in New Hampshire before I came home.”
“Nothing wrong with that. You hadn’t seen them in a long time.”
“I did want to see them, but I also didn’t want to come back to Whitford. I was afraid I’d end up stuck here helping you and I didn’t want to do that. I should have come anyway, and I’m sorry I didn’t.”
Josh winced, though he hoped it didn’t show too much. Having one of his brothers around to shoulder some of the responsibility might have made a big difference in his attitude. Then again, two of them having shitty attitudes because neither of them wanted to be there wouldn’t have done anything but drive away the rest of their customers.
“You had to do what was right for you,” Josh told his brother. “And if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have met Emma and we wouldn’t be waiting for little Sprout. I’m going to be that kid’s favorite uncle, just so you know.”
The stress lines smoothed from Sean’s face as he smiled. “I can’t imagine not having Emma.”
“I’m happy for you. One hundred percent.”
“Thanks. So tell me about you and Katie. Is it serious?”
It wasn’t not serious, but he still wasn’t sure how to answer that. “We’ve been having fun, mostly. That probably sounds messed up, but we haven’t exactly had a State of the Relationship talk.”
“Hey, you’re talking to a guy who pretended to be a total stranger’s fiancé and ended up marrying her. I know ‘messed up,’ and two friends hooking up doesn’t qualify.”
“Even though it’s Katie?”
Sean shrugged. “Maybe if it was a different one of us, but you and Katie have always been a pair. All you guys did was take it up a level.”
What level that was, exactly, remained to be seen. He hadn’t spent too much time analyzing what was going on between him and Katie, but if he was going to be stuck in Whitford for the rest of his life, he’d have to think about it pretty soon.
Stuck in Whitford for the rest of his life. He felt the familiar tightness in his chest and rubbed at the spot. At least this time he’d had some kind of choice, even it had been a crappy case of all or nothing.
“I hope you know Mitch will be crunching numbers as the year goes on, especially if you get the four-wheeler trail through here in the summer. As soon as we can, we’ll see about hiring a manager.”
Josh nodded, just as he had when Katie had brought up the possibility, but he didn’t put too much faith in that plan. A manager whose last name wasn’t Kowalski would expect a salary and benefits and all that good stuff. Business was increasing, but it would be a long time before the lodge could bear that kind of expense.
“I should probably get going,” Sean said after he glanced at the clock. “It’s a long drive.”
They both got up and Sean went to the basement door. “Hey, Rosie, I’m leaving!”
Josh stood off to the side while Sean hugged Rose and shook Andy’s hand. Now that the day was almost behind him, he just wanted to stretch out on the couch and close his eyes.
“I’m going to head out, too,” Andy said. “I told Drew I’d stop by tonight and hang out for a while.”
After the flurry of goodbyes, Josh closed the door and rested his forehead against the cold windowpane.
“Are you okay?”
Obviously that was the question of the hour. He turned to face Rosie, not bothering to force a smile. She’d see right through it, anyway. “I will be. It’s not like everything took a turn for the worse. It’s just more of the same now.”
“I’m still sorry it didn’t work out for you. I know it had to be a hard decision.”
“I know it was the right one,” he said, and the smile he gave her when she arched a doubtful eyebrow was genuine. “It really was and, yes, for me. I can’t let her go to strangers. Besides, you and I make a good team, right?”
She touched his face, nodding, and he really hoped she wouldn’t cry. “Yes, we do.”
“I’m going to sit down for a few minutes and relax. Is everybody in now?”
“Bob Watkins and his cousin are still out, but he told me they wouldn’t be back until nine or ten based on the trails they wanted to take. But everybody else is in.”
So he’d be up until at least nine or ten, but probably later. “Okay, thanks.”
He went
into the living room, grabbing the TV remote on his way to the couch. But when he sat down, he didn’t hit the power button. He could hear Rosie moving around in the kitchen and the low murmurs of a television coming from a guest room.
Closing his eyes, he let the familiar sounds of the Northern Star wash over him. It was a good thing he was used to it, because he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“Excuse me?”
He opened his eyes and smiled at the woman who was staying in room three with her husband and two kids. Mrs. Grant—that was her name. “What can I do for you, Mrs. Grant?”
“I’m so sorry, but my youngest dumped his juice on the rug. It’s more than we can blot up with tissues and toilet paper.”
“It’s not a problem.” He stood up, still smiling. “I’ll soak up what I can tonight and I’ll steam it tomorrow.”
Back to work, he told himself. He might not have chosen this life for himself, but at least he was good at it.
Chapter Sixteen
One of the nice things about living in what passed for “downtown” Whitford was that everything was within walking distance. So, when the snow kept everybody from wanting haircuts or library books, Katie and Hailey were free to lock up and play hooky.
Katie was ready when Hailey called. She’d already swept and mopped and sanitized everything, since it was obvious this nor’easter was keeping everybody inside. Now she just needed an excuse to hang the Closed sign and she’d be done for the day.
Her cell phone finally rang. “I thought you’d never call.”
Hailey snorted. “If I wasn’t responsible for salting the walkways, I’d have been gone already. I called Paige and there’s no sense in going to the diner. Because Gavin rented her trailer, he offered to open the place, but it’s mostly just coffee and he’ll make sandwiches for the road crews or any random customers. But she won’t be there.”
“Well, I have food and drink and the library doesn’t.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
All He Ever Dreamed (The Kowalskis) Page 17
