Now her hand slipped from his completely. “Are you seriously blaming the victim? She was raped! No one wants to be raped. That's the most insensitive fucking thing I've ever heard.”
“Then I'm telling it wrong,” Ram replied, growing louder as well. “Ok, she wasn't raped. She traded sex for protection. I could see it when she came up; the cold calculation: let these guys do me or get eaten.”
Julia watched the desert go by and Cassie could've been right there for all she saw of it. “You should've stopped it.”
“No shit,” Ram said, bitterly.
The ride became awkwardly quiet and what was worse it was a slow ride. He drove at just over twenty miles per hour and they had a lot of time to sit in silence. Eventually Julia cleared her throat and said, “I'm sorry for speaking to you that way. I was wrong. I wasn't there so I shouldn't have judged.”
Ram grunted.
“That's all you have to say?” Julia asked. “It was six against one. I'm trying to apologize: I was wrong to imply you were a coward in any way.”
He grunted again and then his anger spewed out, “I don't know if I would've stopped it if it was just one guy. Cassie knew what was going to be demanded as payment for protection and even though she didn't like it, she paid the price. And it wasn't just one time, the next day she blew each of them, and at any time she could've walked away. That's the kind of girl she is. She doesn't like me, she might even hate me, but that won't stop her from sinking her hooks into me anyway she can.”
“All of that was a cry for help too,” Julia replied. “That's not normal behavior, that's crisis behavior. It has affected all of us. I've done things I normally...” She stopped in mid-sentence and shot her eyes to him. He could only grit his teeth. After a deep breath she admitted, “Yes...ok, last night was something I wouldn't normally have done. I barely know you. But I'm glad I did it. I needed that. I needed to be near someone.”
“I understand,” he said, giving her a smile to show that he wasn’t mad. “I needed it even more. I don't mean sexually, I mean I've felt dislocated. Is that the right word? I've felt apart from people, like they aren't real. Before...before Cassie and the gang-bangers there was this group of guys...and uh, never mind,” he said with a guilty laugh. “I shouldn't be going on.”
“No, you have to,” she said urgently. “It'll eat you up if you don't. And you could relapse.” His chin turned down slightly and his lips pulled back at this. She touched his arm and went on, “It was pretty obvious that you were on the verge of something, a break down I mean. When that sort of thing happens, it can be a while before a person can deal with even the littlest stress. You need to talk, you have to. So…you were saying that you thought people weren't real. Who?”
Ram had heard this before, but only in the movies. For a tough guy like himself it was only a joke; he had always been too strong to need therapy. He had always considered his mind to be granite. Now he knew better. He had felt himself coming apart, melting under the strain.
“Cassie, she wasn't real,” he said in a quiet voice. “The bangers, I never even learned their names. I didn't want to...and there were some of the men back there, in the line. I left them a few days ago and I haven't thought about them since, because they're all dead. They stopped being real to me when I finally admitted that they would all die.”
“And what about me?” Julia asked. She took his hand and placed it on her chest, just beside her breast so that he could feel her heart. It was surprisingly strong. “Am I real?”
Ram stopped the truck in a cloud of dust and went to Julia and kissed her deeply, breathing her in and grabbing her arms almost to the point of pain. “I think you're real.”
“I'm pretty sure you're real, too.” She pulled him close again and they kissed a second time and then she said, “I—oh,” while looking over his shoulder.
“What is it?”
It was Cassie, sixty feet away, sitting in the lee side of a gully where the shade hid her. In her hands was something blacker than the shadows, Ram's M16.
Chapter 30
Neil
Illinois River
Neil floated down the river in something of a dream. It started with a woman. Blonde with strange blue eyes. They weren't the blue eyes of a stereotypical Barbie doll, cheerleader. Instead they were the color of soft denim and they were the kind of eyes that had you curious, so that you wanted to investigate or puzzle them out, which meant staring, only you knew that staring would be impolite, so you looked hard and searching when you could, in those brief moments when decorum allowed.
Decorum being fickle, Neil decided to abuse the word.
“So Sarah, you were a pharmacy rep?” he asked. He had asked a number of questions already but unfortunately her replies were terse and her mind was somewhere else.
“She already told you that,” Sadie mentioned. The girl was floating lazily on her back, kicking only enough to keep her chin above water. “Anyone know where this river goes? I don't want to end up in Mexico or Montana or any such dreadful place.”
This was an opportunity and Neil turned to Sarah and stared some more. “Yes?” she asked at his look. “Oh, the river, right.” She pursed her lips and looked down stream, considering. “I think this sort of comes together with some others and goes on to St Louis, but I'm not sure. Here wait a moment.”
She began to swim to the eastern edge of the river where the land was flat and unbelievably she climbed up on the bank to take in the view. Neil did the same. Over a clinging sundress she wore a white blouse and had nothing on beneath. Decorum be damned, he stared unabashedly and then had to adjust himself, his pants also clung and now there was simply no room.
“Your eyes are popping out. What's that about?” Sadie asked in a whisper. “You see something strange?”
“Not at all, I'm just interested in what she's looking at. It could be important.”
“Really? But she's looking way over there and you're looking closer to right at her. I'm just saying.”
“I'm also keeping an eye on her,” Neil replied, kicking closer to the shore so that his feet could touch. He wasn't a strong swimmer or even an average swimmer, but the backpack helped. He used it as a flotation device. “I wouldn't want any zombies sneaking up on her.”
“Mighty brave of you,” Sadie commented with a sly smile and eyes that seemed to know too much. “Maybe you should go up there instead. Get closer so you can see better. See the monsters I mean.”
That wasn't going to happen. With the water and the jutting nipples and the…everything, Neil was sporting an erection that could've been spotted from outer space. “No, I can see just fine from here. Why don't you go swim somewhere else. You're being a pain.”
“I would but…look at that. She's waving us over. Come on.” Sadie started to pull at Neil's sleeve.
“I'll be right there,” he whispered, and then louder he called out, “I've lost my shoe. I'll be right up.”
Sarah walked down to them, stopping just at the water's edge, and of course she slung the rifle so that the strap went between her breasts, accenting them even more. “There's a farm not too far away. Get your shoe and come on.”
“Yeah, get your shoe, Neil,” Sadie said impishly.
“I'm working on it,” he groused, reaching down and pretending to search. “You two go on without me. I'll catch up. It's got to be here somewhere.”
Though Sadie was chuckling at how foolish Neil was being, Sarah barely noticed. She peered in all directions, her face set. After a minute she looked down at Neil and was surprised to see that he hadn't budged. “Do you need some help?”
“I'm ok, I think,” Neil replied, slogging forward, nearly losing one of his shoes for real. He had stood in one place for so long that the river mud had a good suction going on both of his feet and when he pulled his right foot up he could feel his loafer wanting to remain behind.
“Do you want me to take the backpack?” Sadie asked, being her best to be a pain as he came out of the water.
He was currently holding it in front of himself like a shield. “You've been carrying it all this time.”
He gave her a quick glance and said, “I'm good, now let's get onto this farm, I'm practically freezing.”
Sadie snorted laughter and whispered, “Yeah you're almost frozen stiff. What?” she asked at his glare. “I'm just playing. Besides, I don't think any of our conversations are being picked up by outside sources.” When she said this she raised her eyebrows to Sarah.
The girl was probably right. Sarah was there, walking along, yet at the same time she wasn't. Her eyes saw nothing and her mind seemed detached from the world around them. A wind blew out in the open, which had Sadie shivering and Neil clutching himself, but Sarah made no move to wrap her arms around herself or to even wring out her hair or her clothes. She simply walked bare foot through the once farm fields, as though in a dawning trance.
“How about I take the gun, Sarah,” Neil suggested. The walk, and the cold, and his concern for her had dampened his erection and now he swung the pack onto his back. Before he could snug it into place she had rounded on him and now the black muzzle pointed straight into his face.
“Hell no!” she snarled. “The gun is mine.”
Neil had his hands up next to his chest instead of up in the air. He shook his head back and forth on a quick little arc, saying, “Of course. I wouldn't think to take it.”
“Good,” she said. “Now back off.” For some reason when she said this, she pushed the barrel at him forcing him to take two large steps backwards. As he did he saw Sadie eyeing the older woman, judging the distance between them, looking for an opening. Her eyes had lost their easy humor and were now calculating.
“It's ok,” Neil said, calmly, putting a hand up to both women. “I wasn't trying to steal it. I was just going to go, you know, inspect the house for zombies.”
With a curled lip of distaste, Sarah gave him a look up and down, and then said, “I'd better do it.”
She put the gun to her shoulder and slipped through a row of tall conifers and then stalked carefully up to the little ranch style house. Neil and Sadie hung back. Without weapons they were nearly useless, or rather Neil was. Sadie had been watching their backs and now she saw a line of dust advancing in a straight line toward them.
“There's a car coming,” she said urgently. “It could be some of those guys from the Island.”
“Quick,” Neil said and reached out to take her hand, but Sadie blazed past him, leaving him to huff up to the house.
“Sarah! There's some people coming,” she cried in a low voice. “Maybe soldiers…but not good ones. If they're from the Island, they can't catch me here.”
A face appeared at the kitchen window. It was Sarah, but a Sarah that was altogether pale and shaking. In a second she was out the door and the two women were booking for the river with Neil left to straggle behind with the pack swinging this way and that on his back, making him go even slower than he normally would.
He only just made it down the steep slope that cut away to the water, when the car could be heard crunching gravel as it pulled up. The vehicle held three men—all were armed with black rifles. Now Neil was nervous for the two women and scared for himself, while it was clear that Sadie was frightened near to a panic. Sarah, on the other hand looked ready to kill.
Even as he watched she thumbed the safety on the rifle to fire.
“Don't do it, Sarah,” he whispered. “There are too many of them and Sadie and I are unarmed.”
She didn't respond; she only tracked the men until they went into the house. They were in it for less than a minute and then they were jogging to the barn, making sure to keep distance between them. Again they did a quick inspection before walking back to their vehicle.
When they were safely on their way, Sarah eyed her traveling partners. “You two were at the Island?” she asked in evident disbelief. “You're no soldier,” she said to Neil, and to Sadie she remarked, “And you're just a girl.”
Sadie riled at what she took for contempt. “Neil is better than any of those idiots! And if you want to call me 'just a girl' again, try doing it without a gun in your hands, bitch.”
Sarah shook her head wearily. “That's not what I meant. I didn't mean to put you down. The truth is that I just came from the Island and I know that all the soldiers are men and all the women are…are…they're older and not at all like you.” When Sadie's eyes flared again, Sarah added, “They're all cowards. They're all gutless chickens and I was one of them, and maybe I was the worst of them.”
Just as quick as Sadie's anger flared, it was gone again. Being called brave did that for a person. Neil didn't have the warm compliment to sooth his anger. Instead it was just implied that he wasn't quite a man. “I'm cold,” he said. Without looking at either of the two women he trudged across the still green lawn of the farmhouse and went inside.
The place had been home to an older couple, and the decorations and the furnishing reflected just that: everything was antique and not in a good way. Neil went first to the refrigerator, perhaps out of habit. The smell was atrocious and he quickly shut it. He then went through the cabinets.
“Anything?” Sadie asked hopefully.
“Just this.” Neil plunked down a nearly full bottle of rum, which featured a grinning pirate on its label. He unscrewed the top and gave it a sniff, which had him coughing gently. Sadie wanted to give it a smell too, and her eyes went wide when she did.
“Three glasses barkeep,” she said and slapped her hand down on the mustard colored countertop. “I'm buying!”
“I don't think so,” Neil said, pulling the bottle back before Sadie could have a chance to chug from its lip. “You're way too young.” He pulled it too far back and Sarah, who had come around the counter, snatched it from him.
She also sniffed at the amber liquid, and before taking a long pull, she asked, “Are you two father and daughter?” Sadie laughed at that while Sarah screwed up her face over the bite of the rum.
“Naw,” the girl said. “I don't really even know my dad and now he's probably dead. Neil is my apocalypse dad. Pass the bottle.” Sarah took a mug and filled it half way before handing over the bottle to Sadie—despite Neil's protestations. “So were you two neighbors or something? You act like you've known each other for a long time.”
Thankfully Sadie was coughing after just having taken a swig from the bottle and couldn't answer the question. Neil didn't want to go into how they had met, because he knew it would make him look even more like a wimp than usual. “We just met on the road. I'd say slow down on the rum, the both of you, but you won't listen to me so, whatever.”
In a wrath he stalked away and went to the back on the ranch house where the bedrooms were and then sighed. The farmer had been a big man and though there was plenty of dry clothing to choose from, nothing fit. Yet since he was freezing in his wet clothes he changed into a pair of white long johns, an old, green, John Deere T-shirt and a ridiculous pair of overalls.
He felt like a little boy who was playing dress up with his father's wardrobe. And he also felt a headache coming on. The two women would poke fun of him. It was a given and it would be mean, and what could he do but take it?
There was one thing he could do; he locked the door and sat on the farmer's bed. He could hear the two women going through the house and it became clear that Sarah was drinking herself into a stupor. She grew louder and more clumsy, banging into things. And they began to laugh at anything and everything. Neil didn't need that
After a while, Sadie asked through the door. “You ok in there?”
“Yep, just trying some clothes on and looking for…supplies.” Someone had gone through the room already, every drawer had been pulled open and ransacked. With a sigh, he poked around if only to kill time and discovered only two things that had been overlooked: a secret stash of old man porn—three Victoria Secrets advertisements and a Playboy from 1986—-and a stockpile of Jolly Ranchers.
He kept his hands well
away from the porn, and filled one of his overall pockets with the candy. Next he went into the master bathroom and in the medicine cabinet he found a new bar of soap and in a little cubby next to the toilet, three rolls of paper. In the new paradigm, these were treasures that had been foolishly overlooked.
“Hey Neil?” Sadie called from outside the door. “You've been in there a long time. Are you sure you're ok?”
“I'm just fine.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
He went to the door and unlocked it, expecting to have her laugh at him and his stupid clothes. And she did too, but he laughed at her just as much. It was totally unexpected, but the Goth girl had traded out her soaking wet black attire for a flowered muumuu the size of a tent and a pair of tube socks.
After they had stopped their laughing and only breathed out little giggles they stared at each other fondly. She was glassy eyed, but not yet stumbling drunk and thus still retained a level of her perceptive abilities. “Ok what did I do?” she asked. “There's something wrong, I know it.”
“Where's Sarah?” Neil asked instead of answering.
“Passed out on the couch. She says she spent the night in a tree. That's messed up. So? What's wrong? Are you mad that I had a drink or two?”
“No, I don't care about that. It's nothing really, or rather it's everything. I guess I just miss my old life. Everything was better. Everything was easier.”
“I doubt you mean that,” Sadie said, walking past Neil to sit on the farmer's bed. “What would you be doing now if nothing had changed? Paperwork? Doing your taxes like a good little boy? Sitting home alone? Watching TV until your brain dropped out of your ears?” She laughed suddenly and fell back onto the bed. “You want to hear something funny? I bet half the zombies out there are doing more with their lives now than when they were alive.”
The Undead World (Book 1): The Apocalypse Page 21
