by Erica Lee
Samantha reached across the car and took my hand in hers. “You have every right to feel that way. It’s a hard situation.” She pulled in the driveway and put her car in park, then turned to face me. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this. You’ve been through so much.”
I shrugged my shoulders, trying my best to hide my pain. “It is what it is.”
“It’s not,” Samantha said, the sincerity in her voice matching that in her eyes. For a moment, I kept my eyes locked with hers and the passion I saw made my stomach do a weird flip. I was wondering what that feeling was until I heard the growl that followed just a moment later.
Samantha started to laugh and shook her head at me. “Let’s get you a snack and then get some sleep. How does that sound?”
After eating the grilled cheese sandwiches that Samantha had made for both of us, we headed upstairs. “Since Molly isn’t home, you can stay in her room or you can stay in mine. It’s up to you.”
“I would prefer yours if that’s okay.”
“Of course,” Samantha answered, after only a few seconds of hesitation. I knew she hated sharing her bed, but I couldn’t be alone right now.
She gave me some pajamas since I was still wearing my clothes from the bar earlier and we both crawled into bed. I lay as close to the edge on my side as I could, hoping I wouldn’t disturb her sleep anymore than I already had. Unfortunately, as soon as I closed my eyes, the memories from earlier returned and I even surprised myself when I started to cry. I was trying to stay quiet, but I had a feeling my shaking body was causing the bed to move too. Soon, I felt a hand rubbing my back.
“How didn’t I know?” I suddenly cried into the darkness.
Samantha’s hand stopped momentarily. “About your mom? How were you supposed to? Your parents barely talk to you. It’s not your fault.”
“Not my mom,” I admitted. “How didn’t I know that Callie was thinking about doing that? I knew she was sad, but I never realized the extent of it.”
My mind again flashed to that night at the hospital. I’d gotten a call from Callie’s freshman roommate, telling me she had tried to take her own life and was being rushed to the hospital. Her roommate had found her a few minutes earlier in their dorm room, passed out with an empty pill bottle and a note. I knew part of the note had been addressed to me, but I never looked at it. I couldn’t. I knew she’d done it on purpose and couldn’t handle knowing anything else.
By the time I reached the ICU, she was gone. The doctors tried to give me their usual “We did everything we could,” speech, but I was too sick to focus on it. My eyes latched onto my parents who I hadn’t seen since being kicked out of their house. They were both crying and shaking their heads in disbelief. When I walked over to them, there was a moment when the three of us embraced, but it was short-lived and immediately following that brief emotional encounter was when my mom said the words that had set off my first panic attack. I had called Samantha during that breakdown as well.
My thoughts were interrupted by Samantha softly whispering into the dark room. “Carly, you don’t blame yourself for what happened to your sister, do you?”
I turned to face her, and at this point, my eyes were flooded with tears. “Of course I blame myself. I was her big sister. I should’ve been there for her. She might’ve been less sad if I was just there for her.”
Samantha reached over and pulled me closer to her. “Carly, your sister was depressed. She was fighting a demon inside of her that you couldn’t have possibly known the extent of.”
I shook my head and tried to pull away, but was unsuccessful since Samantha had a tight grip on me. “If I’d been present more, I would have seen it. I could have stepped in and helped.”
Samantha continued to hold me close as she spoke calmly. “Your parents made it almost impossible for you. After they kicked you out, they tried to keep you from seeing your sister. Between that and school, it was really hard for you guys and you still found ways to see her a lot, and you talked to her every day.”
“It wasn’t enough though.” I sniffled as all of the emotions I had tried to hold in for all these years came pouring out of me. “I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve done more. She deserved more.”
Instead of saying anything, Samantha used her thumb to wipe the excess tears from my cheeks. Her actions made me become even more choked up. “Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t deserve it. Callie should still be here. If one of us deserves to be living a full and happy life, it’s her. She was so full of life. She lit up every room she walked into.”
Samantha pulled back just a little so she could look into my eyes. “And who do you think she got that from? We both know it wasn’t your parents. She got it from you, Carly. And she lit up anytime she walked into a room you were in because she adored you.” She studied my face for a few minutes, then closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. When she opened them, it looked like she was experiencing just as much pain as I was in that moment. “I need you to promise me that you will stop blaming yourself for this.”
I considered her words for a moment. I didn’t think there would ever come a day when I wouldn’t feel guilt over my sister taking her life. “I can’t promise that,” I admitted. When Samantha’s eyes seemed to get even more sad, I added, “But I promise I’ll try.”
Samantha smiled slightly. “That’s all I ask.” The smile then slipped from her face, and she shook her head slightly. “I just wish you could see how amazing you are.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I wish I could too, but I’d been beating myself up ever since the day I lost my sister. The only thing that had been getting me by was my avoidance, but it seems some things can’t be ignored, no matter how hard you try. I knew I would keep trying though. It’s what I did best. Instead of responding, I nestled myself in closer to Samantha, laying my head on her chest and feeling comfortable for the first time that night.
Chapter 14
It was another week before I spent time with Diana again. Since I’d been having a hard time after finding out about my mom, we decided to stay in for our date night.
As we lay in bed after spending the first two hours getting lost in each other rather than my mess of a life, Diana ran her fingers along my stomach, making me want to jump right into another round.
“Are you ready to tell me what’s going on?” She followed her question by kissing my jawbone in a way that made me go weak in the knees.
“If you keep this up, there are about a million things I’m going to want to do rather than talk.”
Diana raised a seductive eyebrow at me. “Haven’t we already done most of them?”
I let out a low growl. “There is no reason we can’t do them again… and again… and again.” As I said the words, I moved my hands down her body.
To my surprise, Diana grabbed them before I could get to my destination. “Seriously, tell me what happened. All you told me over the phone was you found out some upsetting news.”
I groaned in response. Why was everyone always trying to get me to talk about my feelings? I sat up in bed, distancing myself from Diana a bit so I would actually be able to focus on our conversation. “My mom has cancer.”
Diana gasped, clearly not expecting those to be the words to come out of my mouth. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”
I spoke to her about the same feelings I had expressed to Samantha and what it felt like to see her in the hospital, leaving out the details of my panic attack. “I still haven’t gone to see her since that night at the hospital though. I’ve been putting it off. I normally like to pretend things just aren’t there rather than facing them, but I don’t think I can do that in this situation. My relationship with my parents might be crap, but I don’t want to have any regrets.”
We were both silent for a few minutes and spent that time wrapped around each other. “Talk to me about something else. I’m sick of all of these thoughts running around in my head.”
“Well, my daughter told Santa that
she wants a pony for Christmas. It was a lot of fun explaining to her that it probably wasn’t going to happen since Santa knows we don’t have space for that.”
The thought of what Diana’s face must have looked like when she heard the pony request made me burst into laughter. “Oh, man. Did that set off a tantrum?”
“Not exactly. She just informed us that Santa actually doesn’t care what we think.” Now Diana was laughing too, which made me laugh even harder. Soon we both had tears running down our cheeks and were holding our stomachs. It was the first time I’d laughed in a week and it felt good.
Once the laughter subsided, Diana cuddled up close to me again. “Do you think I could see a picture of your daughter?” I asked hesitantly, unsure how Diana would feel about my request.
“Of course,” she answered quickly, while sitting up to grab her phone. “She’s the cutest little thing in the world, I swear.”
I always found it adorable how her face would light up whenever she talked about her daughter, and as she scrolled through her phone, her smile brightened exponentially. She turned the screen to show me a picture of a little girl wearing a red and green dress, sitting cross-legged in front of a Christmas tree. She had brown hair that was pulled up into pigtails and freckles sprinkled all over her face. She was wearing the sweetest smile, but also looked like she knew she could get away with murder.
“You’re right. She is adorable.”
Diana’s face lit up even more at my words. “You have to see her Santa picture. It will kill you with cuteness.”
The way she developed little wrinkles around her eyes as she scrolled through her phone pictures and smiled at each one might be the thing to kill me with cuteness first. She quickly passed by pictures of her and her daughter that seemed to be professionally done as I rested my chin on her shoulder to stare at her phone. One picture in particular caught my eye and I was able to get a good look at it since Diana’s fingers fumbled a bit when she noticed what it was. The picture not only had Diana and her daughter in it, but also another woman who I assumed must be her wife. All three of them were laughing together as the two women stared down at the little girl that they were tickling.
Diana’s face turned red when she saw me staring at the phone. She quickly shut off the screen and set the phone down beside her, taking my hand. “I’m really sorry you had to see that. I promise that it’s not what it looks like. It’s for our Christmas cards. My wife is all about impressions. Gotta put up the appearance that we’re one big happy family.”
The thing is, that’s exactly what they looked like in that picture. They didn’t look like a couple who was at odds and on the verge of a divorce. Her wife certainly didn’t look like the monster I’d been picturing in my head.
As if reading my mind, Diana squeezed my hand. “Pictures can be deceiving. You know that, right? Every other picture we’d taken looked super awkward. The photographer just happened to capture that moment with our daughter. It only looks so natural because we both adore her so much.”
I nodded my head like I understood, but it was still hard to see. It made me sick to think about Diana having this whole other life that I knew nothing about. I was distracted from my thoughts by Diana rolling over so her legs were straddling my hips.
“What do you say I help you forget all about that?” she asked, as she kissed a path down my skin.
The distraction worked, but only for the next few hours.
***
I couldn’t get that picture out of my head as I tried to get through the next week. Even when I finally went to visit my parents, that seemed to be at the forefront of my mind. With distractions aside though, the visit went much better than any previous visits I had with them. My mom spoke to me as if I was an actual human being and seemed somewhat interested as I told her about my social media endeavors. However, she was even more interested in my job at Phillips since that was the more “stable” profession. She spoke to me in depth about what I was doing there. My dad didn’t speak much, but he also didn’t find a way to lecture me about my sexuality so I considered that a win.
After my visit, I called Samantha to tell her about how it went. Even though she had saved me from my panic attack at the hospital, things were still weird between us. I hadn’t seen her outside of work since that night, which was unusual for the two of us. Normally, we didn’t go more than a day or two without spending time together. Granted, that was because she often stayed over at my house to get a break from living with her parents and now she had a girlfriend for that. I couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that hit me as this thought crossed my mind. It hurt to be replaced by someone else, but I was still surprised that it hurt this much.
My thoughts were interrupted by Samantha’s voice on the other end of the phone. “You busy right now?” I asked, half-expecting her to be hanging out with Caroline.
“Nope. I was just watching TV with my parents.”
For some reason, that simple fact made me feel relieved. “That’s cool. Tell them I said hello, please, and that I miss them. Speaking of parents, I saw mine today.”
“And how’d that go?” The tone of Samantha’s voice always had a way of making me feel special. Anyone would have asked that question, but she sounded interested in the answer.
“It went well, actually. I mean, as well as it possibly could given my parents.” I went on to explain my mom’s constant conversation and my dad’s lack of homophobia while Samantha listened intently.
“That’s great, Carly. I’m really happy to hear that. I know it’s a small step, and I can’t say that I agree with how they’re continuing to handle their relationship with you, but it’s something. You deserve a little good news now and then.”
I sighed in response. It did seem like my life tended to lean toward the more negative side about ninety-nine percent of the time. That thought brought me back to the picture of Diana with her wife and daughter. Even though I knew Samantha already didn’t have a very positive opinion of her, I decided to run the story past her.
“So, I saw a picture of Diana’s wife…”
“Oh yeah?” Samantha’s tone was one of complete disinterest.
Even though I could tell this was the last thing she wanted to talk about, I continued anyway. I had to get my thoughts out. I’d been holding all of them in and felt like I was going nuts. “It was all three of them. Diana, her daughter, and her wife.”
Samantha’s sigh on the other end of the phone was audible enough for me to feel the need to pull the phone slightly from my ear. “I’m not sure what you want me to say, Carly.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just needed to talk about it.”
“Well, you knew she had a family. That wasn’t any secret.”
The bite behind Samantha’s words sent a chill down my spine. Why was she being so cold about this?
I hesitated before continuing. The last thing I wanted was to make Samantha even angrier, but I couldn’t seem to let this drop. “Obviously, I knew about them. I guess I just didn’t expect her family to look so happy and normal.”
“What did you want to see, Carly?”
Now it was my turn to sigh. I knew she had a point, but it was still frustrating. Would it have truly made me happier if I’d seen a broken family with a wife who might as well have been wearing devil horns? Well, no. It wouldn’t have, but at least it would‘ve made more sense.
“I don’t know. I just thought her wife would look more like the monster I made her out to be in my head. You know, the way Diana painted her to be. Now I’m not sure what to think, and I wish there was a way I could truly know what she was like.”
“You could always find her on the internet then stalk her. Follow her around. See if she kicks kittens as she’s walking down the street. See if she laughs when people fall on ice.”
I knew Samantha was being sarcastic, but her idea didn’t seem half bad.
When I was silent for a little too long, Samantha spoke up again. “That was a jok
e. Do not stalk your girlfriend’s wife. That’s a horrible idea.”
“Welp, I gotta go.”
“I mean it, Carly. Don’t. Nothing good can come of that.”
I wasn’t even listening anymore. I was too busy pulling up my computer. “Talk to you later, Sam!” I shouted before hanging up and staring at my computer screen, wondering where I should start in finding this mysterious wife.
Chapter 15
Two weeks had passed since the night I saw the picture of Diana’s family, and the two of us had yet to get together again. Even though we texted almost nonstop and talked on the phone as she drove to and from work, I had a strange feeling she was avoiding me. I was spending another Friday night alone, when I heard a knock on my door.
I was only slightly surprised to find Diana standing on the other side. “Another fight?” I asked knowingly.
Tears quickly sprang to her eyes as she shook her head back and forth. “It’s so much worse than that. So so much worse. I told her about us. My wife. I told her. I couldn’t keep us a secret anymore. She… she kicked me out.”
My eyes left Diana’s and for the first time, I noticed the suitcase sitting next to her. Shit. This was real bad. Not only had Diana been kicked out because of me, but she had been kicked out just three days before Christmas Eve. This was supposed to be the happiest time of the year, especially when you have kids, and I’d ruined it for her.
I walked forward and took her into my arms, allowing her to cry onto my shoulder. It seemed her wife really was a monster. I know it couldn’t be easy to find out that your wife was with someone else, even if things between you both were already bad, but kicking her out right before Christmas? When they have a daughter at home? There had to be a better way to handle this. It just wasn’t fair to anyone.
Once Diana pulled back, I grabbed her suitcase and directed her into my apartment. My eyes quickly crossed to the computer sitting on my desk. Not that she ever had before, but I said a quick prayer that Diana wouldn’t use it. I didn’t need to make things even more awkward for her if she saw my search history—the searches that had led me to find out that she and her wife both kept their last names, and her wife’s name was Hailey Smith. She taught first grade at the elementary school that their daughter goes to close to their cute little three-bedroom townhouse that they had paid $245,000 for after moving back from California. I shook these thoughts from my head. I needed to put my focus onto Diana now. She was hurting, and I wanted to be there for her.
