“Lana, it’s a nice name.” I tested the word out.
“Thanks. My dad’s choice I believe.” She smiled but the corners of her red lips seemed to turn down. On a side table in the shadows an alarm clock beeped.
“That’s time for today.” She smoothed her shirt down at the front rising to her feet.
“It seems to go by fast.” I observed reaching for my coat.
“You’d be surprised how slow some hours can go.” Lana laughed lightly as she reached for the door handle. “I’ll see you next week?” She queried.
“Yes. Same time.” I gave a quick smile and hoisted my bag up onto my shoulder before leaving the office and stepping out into the cold air. Somewhere in the distance the slow hum of festive music echoed, I leant against the wall at the bottom of the steps my breath creating clouds against the dark sky, I checked my watch it was just coming up to six I’d actually been in there slightly longer than usual. Across the road the gate to one of the ornate garden’s had been left unlocked, its metal bars glinting under the street lamp, through them the same wooden bench I had passed on the first morning I’d made my way to the office, stood enticingly, peacefully surrounded by the frost covered grass. I stepped across the cobbles quickly and without looking behind me carefully slipped through the gap wincing as the hinges creaked. Inside my shoes crunched on the frozen gravel path and I had to dust the slats of the bench with my gloves before I sat down to free it from the blanket of frost. It was so quiet, I closed my eyes feeling the cold sting my cheeks. So many thoughts were racing through my brain, it was crammed to bursting point, was this it? Was my marriage going to be over? The face of my husband smiling at me lingered behind my eyes, turning sour, curdling as I imagined him embracing someone else. This mystery woman. I reached into my bag for my phone, rummaging past the empty boxes of cigarettes and receipts but there was no sign of the small black rectangle I was feeling for. I swung the strap off my shoulder pulling back the flap and under the street light searched once again, patting down the pockets and checking my coat I mentally retraced my steps. Had I brought it with me? Yes because I’d checked the time before going in to my appointment. I glanced back at the tall white house that was semi hidden behind the bars and saw the receptionist prising open the door, her arms full of files.
“Hey.” I called skipping back across the road.
“Oh Mrs Taylor.” She commented wrestling with a falling handbag and looking a little confused.
“Do you need a hand?” I asked reaching the stone steps.
“If you could just close the door for me that would be great.” She smiled and scurried past.
“Actually I think I left my phone inside is it ok to just knock and see?” I pressed my toe against the door.
“Yes no problem, I’m sure that will be fine. Doctor Hill is still in her office.” The young girl clicked open the back door of a sporty convertible car and threw in the paperwork before darting into the driver’s seat and by the noise it made blasting on the heating.
CHAPTER FOUR
“Hello?” I called nervously. A muted voice was rising and falling in anger. I edged inside the waiting room giving a small light tap on the door, it was definitely Lana speaking I could hear her clearer now.
“Just because we dated doesn’t mean I will give you confidential information Miranda.” She was much broader in her accent than I had ever heard, almost spitting out the words.
“Oh please, dated isn’t quite what I would call our relationship Lana.” A cool slightly familiar voice replied. I shuffled back a few steps heading for the exit.
“Rebecca’s file is completely off limits. It doesn’t matter what you say or do you’re not having it.” I paused in my retreat.
“Rebecca?” The other woman’s voice was mocking. “On first name terms already? Well you did always move fast.” She laughed a tinny high pitched giggle.
“Miranda, seriously you need to leave.” Lana was shouting now. “It shouldn’t be a problem for you, as I recall you do it pretty well.”
“Oh come on. Low blow!” A chair was pushed back it made a soft scrape through the carpet.
“You need to go.” Lana was quieter now, she sounded tired, beaten almost.
I fidgeted as the room fell quiet, standing in semi darkness I held my breath straining my ears. The soft muted noise of kissing reached me, barely audible over my heart which was drumming through my chest. I turned to leave too quickly, knocking a tall plant in its black ceramic pot and making it spin slightly so the leaves scraped the wall. I abandoned my hiding place and darted from the room down the steps and shot back into the private garden flattening myself behind a large bushy conifer. I covered my mouth stifling a laugh at how ridiculous this all was, I was hiding behind a tree! The street was silent but it was only seconds before two sets of high heels clicked hurriedly out of the building. I inched my head around a branch and peeked through, the woman from the meeting at work (that’s why she sounded familiar) and Lana were standing on the steps looking bemusedly up and down the row of houses. The woman, Miranda, held her hands against her hips making the hem of the grey suit jacket stand outwards, she was shorter than Lana and older her hair twisted up into a neat bun, square glasses covering her eyes.
“It must just have been my assistant.” Lana’s voice was quiet now but carried loudly enough on the empty street for me to hear.
“Well, no matter. Why don’t I stay?” Miranda had turned to face her and was using her body to press Lana back into the doorway.
“No I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Lana took hold of Miranda’s hands and gently held her away. “I won’t give you the information that you want and regardless of that I don’t want this, I don’t want you to stay.”
“You’re turning me away?” Miranda was incredulous, she laughed and stepped haughtily away pressing the button on a set of keys making a sleek red Jaguar beep to life. She stopped at the driver’s side and hauled the door open glaring over the roof. “You’re an idiot Lana, you used to be something you know? You were so sassy and smart, you had the whole world in your hands. But now, you’re just a lonely little girl in a big empty house looking for a daddy that didn’t want her.” She laughed cruelly as Lana sucked in a breath and folded her arms across her chest. Miranda seemed to realise that this approach wasn’t getting her anywhere. “Look, I’ve just given you all the information you need to find what you’re looking for. All I was asking for was something in return.” She held her hands out to the sides and shook her head as though disappointed. Lana stepped furiously down the stairs almost taking them two at a time.
“In return?” She hissed lowering her voice. “Don’t forget the things I’ve done for you.” Miranda shrank away lowering her eyes.
“Do you think they ever would have left you alone if I hadn’t paid the bill you owed? Miranda Roberts, Governor, mother, wife, Cocaine addict.” Lana spat.
“I paid you back.” Miranda growled looking from side to side.
“But it wasn’t just money they wanted was it?” Lana stifled a sob and turned sharply away.
“Lana, I never thought anything would ever happen.” Miranda called after her, I watched as the tall silhouette paused outlined in the doorway. “I love you, you know that? I never expected him to ask for that. I never thought that would be what it took to make it stop.” Miranda sounded for the first time genuinely upset. “I had children and a career Lana what was I supposed to do? Choose you?” She let her hands fall at her sides.
“But it did happen. I did it for you. Then you left anyway.” Lana didn’t even turn around she stepped inside the house and let the door slam shut. I stood staring, I barely heard the car pull away an overwhelming feeling had taken over my senses. I stepped out from my hiding place and moved back up the flight of steps almost as if in a dream. Before I knew what I was doing my hand had reached forwards and pressed the circular buzzer.
“What?” The door flew open.
“I’m sorry.” I blurte
d out. Lana had tugged the tie loose from the collar of her shirt, her hair was pressed back behind one ear, the red lipstick had all but gone leaving only the hint that it had ever been there pressed into the creases of her mouth.
“Oh. Rebecca, what are you doing here?” She tried to straighten her shirt as she looked at me.
“I left my phone.” I mumbled staring into her widened eyes.
“It must be in the office come in.” She moved away from the door and disappeared into the waiting room, flicking on light switches as she went.
“Do you know where about you left it?” She asked as I entered the room, she was leaning against the desk one hand against her temple rubbing above her eyes. I stood motionless watching her top teeth bite into the quaking bottom lip, she was clearly trying not to cry. I dropped my bag and moved to where she stood and before I had the chance to even worry about what I was about to do I wrapped my arms around her shoulders pulling her close to me.
She tensed, her whole body went rigid her hands hung in the air away from me.
“Rebecca what are you doing?” She asked sounding slightly panicked. I stepped back.
“You looked upset I just thought maybe you needed a hug.” My face had gone bright red I could feel the heat spreading across my nose into my cheeks.
Lana stood watching me for a moment, her face unreadable. “I think it probably dropped out of my coat over there.” I pointed at the tub chair and moved rapidly towards it shoving my hands into the folds of the material, sure enough there was my phone. I held it up and smiled making my way quickly back to the door.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to impose, I’ll be off now.” I turned away and darted from the room out into the night walking quickly down the street shaking my head wondering what on earth had just come over me. The feeling that I needed to hold her, to wrap my arms around her to tell her she wasn’t on her own, how could I feel like that about my therapist? I stopped when I reached the main road and pulled my phone angrily from my pocket, four missed calls from Chris flashed across the screen. I pressed my forefinger to the glass and lifted it to my ear.
“Hey babe where have you been?” He answered almost immediately.
“At the doctors.” My voice was hollow.
“Ok, do you want me to come get you?” He asked warily.
“Who is she Chris?” I asked calmly, too calmly. Silence. “Chris?”
“Yeah, I’m here.” He stuttered over the words.
“Are you sleeping with her?” I added.
“Where are you?” He sounded frightened.
“On Regent Street.” No denial from him at least.
“I’ll come get you.” I could hear him reaching for his keys.
“Chris?” He paused. “We need to talk about this, I can’t deal with it being this way.” I sighed.
“I know, just stay there. I’m on my way.” The line went dead.
CHAPTER FIVE
The pub was an old favourite of ours, we’d come here on our first date, The Pig and Whistle. I gazed around, same old red velvet topped stools, oak tables, soggy beer mats and packs of peanuts on a sheet of card pinned to the wall. Chris stood at the bar, his hands nervously twitching the keys for his van back and forth as he waited for our drinks. The place was empty apart from two old guys lazily throwing darts at the board in the far corner.
“Orange and Vodka.” Chris placed the drink down in front of me and sat down heavily, taking a sip of his half of lager.
“Thanks.” I muttered poking the straw against the two bobbing ice cubes.
“So how was your session?” He asked forcing his eyes to mine whilst wiping froth from his lip.
“I don’t want to do this.” I replied wearily as we locked eyes, his mouth twitched at the corners nervously.
“I know I think it’s just been so stressful.” He shook his head. “I think your just seeing something that isn’t there.”
“Chris, don’t.” Anger swelled inside me. “Don’t try to make me think this is in my head, that’s twisted!” He looked at me his mouth opening and closing as he debated what to say next. “After everything that has happened don’t lie to me, please.” I added.
“Becks it was never meant to be like this.” He hurriedly pushed his drink aside and cupped my hands in his. “It just happened.”
“Who is she? The girl from work?” I asked, gently pulling my hands away. He nodded and sniffed back a sob. “Have you slept with her?” The barman jumped visibly as Chris let out a set of sobs that shook his whole body. I sighed and leant back on the stool.
“Everything ok?” The barman asked looking between us.
“Yes, my husband is upset because I’ve just found out he’s been sleeping with somebody else. He’ll be ok in a moment.” I smiled sweetly as the barman scurried away. Chris raised his head rubbing tears away from his cheeks along with a smear of mucus from his nose.
“I’m sorry Becks, I didn’t know how to deal with what you were going through, she was just there, I was upset and she just was there.” He finished lamely. I stared at my drink in silence while he gathered himself.
“It must have been so awful for you.” I prodded the ice cube with my finger tip. “What’s she like?” I asked, he frowned and shook his head.
“Why does that matter?” He replied.
“Because I want to know.” I snapped. “How old is she? What does she look like?”
“She’s got red hair, not really pretty, not like you are.” It was all I could do not to laugh, I pulled the stool back to move but Chris grabbed my hand. “She was nothing, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know just please don’t go.”
“How old is she?” I repeated watching his face twist. “Chris?” He raised his hands to his face.
“She’s nineteen.” He whispered through sobs.
“You are fucking kidding me?” I shouted, slamming my hands against the table. “That’s a kid Chris, a kid, you’ve thrown away our marriage for a fumble with a girl barely out of school.”
“Sorry love but you need to keep it down or leave.” The barman said somewhat nervously.
“I’m going.” I stood up knocking the drinks on the table as I rose to my feet. Chris shadowed me out of the door.
“Beck’s, Rebecca, please you have to listen to me.” He begged tugging at my arm.
“I don’t have to listen to anything.” I shrugged him off.
“You can’t just give up on us like this.” He yelled.
“Give up? It’s not me who’s sleeping with someone else is it! You did this! Not me. I’ll be back home tomorrow, I want you gone by then. I don’t know what’s worse, that you tried to make me think it was me or that you’re sleeping with a teenager, both things make me sick.” I turned away and walked, I didn’t know where I was going, everything had changed now but oddly I only felt numb as the anger ebbed away. Behind me Chris slumped to the floor, his head in his hands his sobs echoing down the street.
A week passed quicker than I imagined possible, Chris had taken his overnight bag and gone to his parent’s house in Gloucester, several messages on the phone from his sister informed me he really wanted to see me and had explained the whole situation to them and was so sorry. Like that made it better! Didn’t they understand there was no coming back from this? I sealed the last cardboard box with a roll of brown tape and picked up my phone scrolling through until I found ‘sis’ the title I’d affectionately saved Chris’s older sister Tilly under. Pressing the green button I winced as the ringing began.
“Hello?” Oh great it was his nine year old niece Maisy.
“Hey Maze. It’s Becks.” I began, choking down the lump in my throat.
“Aunty Becky where have you been? Why is Uncle Chris so sad, he’s always crying and mummy says it’s because he misses you, so when can you come back off holiday?” She chirped excitedly, luckily Tilly saved the day by snatching the phone and silencing Maisy’s protests.
“Rebecca? Is that you?” She asked quickly.
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“Yeah Hi Tilly.” I sagged against the bed.
“Oh thank God! I was beginning to think you’d never call.” She laughed maniacally. “Chris is in the bathroom do you want me to get him?”
“No!” I heard my own voice and it sounded too sharp. “No, sorry Tilly I don’t need to speak to Chris.” I tried again more softly.
“Well of course you do, he’s your husband.” Tilly sounded like she was trying to smile.
“Not for long.” Again too sharp. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to let you know the rest of his things are boxed up here and ready to grab. Sooner the better really.” I tried to sound gentle and not too abrupt.
“He made a mistake Rebecca.” Her voice was pleading.
“Yeah with an nineteen year old girl, several times and then lied about it and tried to make me think it was in my head.” I snapped.
“You can get past this, she’s not keeping the baby now, there won’t be any ties to her at all you can both just move forwards like this never happened.”
My blood seemed to turn to a cold sludge in my veins, Chris and I had tried for a baby for several years, tests had shown that I was the problem something I’d never got over feeling guilty for, but it had pained us both deeply. My head felt as though it was full of cotton wool and the room seemed to spin as a rush of nausea cascaded over me. The silence must have given away how I was feeling.
“Oh shit! You didn’t know that did you?” Tilly was practically crying. “Oh Rebecca I’m so sorry.”
“Pick up his stuff tomorrow or it’s going in the street.” It was all I could manage the phone felt heavy in my clammy fingers.
“Becky I’m so sorry I just thought you knew and that’s why you were so adamant it’s over, I mean the thought of somebody else having that child, I can understand that, but it’s not happening Rebecca he told her he chooses you.” Tilly was frantic.
“If you love your brother at all, you should tell him to do everything in his power to keep that child.” My voice broke and I had to hold the phone away from my ear to steady my breath. “He’s wanted to be a father for a really long time, he has no chance at saving our marriage but maybe he can save the chance of that.” I pressed the red button hard and let the handset fall onto the floor. I pushed myself up, ignoring the phone that was now ringing beside me Tilly must have done an instant redial, grabbing my duffle coat and scarf I pressed my feet into my shoes and stumbled out of the house.
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