by Austin, Lucy
‘Fucking fantastic idea.’ We then stand up, prompting Aiofe to slowly shake her head at us like a disappointed parent.
Once out in the foyer, we spy a few more of Anna’s friends that must have got there first – that or they never went into the actual auditorium in the first place.
‘What you doing out here?’ I venture, as someone gets up to give Liv a stool. Thanking them, Liv perches as though she were on some sort of game show and I buy a glass of wine from the extensive list (‘red or white’) and an orange juice for Liv.
‘Anna’s been awfully vague about what she does in this play you know, I’m starting to think she might be on for five minutes,’ moans the girl with the poncho. I take a sip of wine and visibly wince at the taste.
‘Anna exaggerating, you surprise me,’ murmurs Liv under her breath. I then turn to the group who are currently talking amongst themselves in that really intense way. ‘I was thinking you’d be in the production as well?’ I say to the girl with a ridiculously short fringe and thick spectacles containing no glass.
‘Sometimes you have to be seen but it doesn’t mean you have to see, do I make sense?’ I’m not sure she does but I clink glasses with her nevertheless.
‘Besides,’ declares the Harry Styles lookalike with ill-advised beret. ‘Anna won’t mind. Let’s just say she has her hands full these days.’ Just then, with that cryptic sentence hanging in the air, Anna’s dad appears in the foyer.
‘We just popped out for some air. It’s boiling in there. Liv is heavily pregnant,’ I quickly say, using the pregnancy card to explain to this father of hers why we’re not sitting gripped in suspense watching his daughter’s play.
‘Do not worry my darling. Doing the same thing myself. Another bloody painful enterprise,’ Hugo sighs, downing a glass of wine in seconds as we all watch in awe. ‘And no storyline either. What’s she trying to do, kill me? A large glass of that red muck again please.’ The barman nods and obliges as though it were just your average polite request. ‘I’ve had to watch every performance she’s ever done,’ Hugo says. ‘The only time I got out of it was when she was in Australia – I said to Pamela that it was worth the price of an air ticket alone. Couldn’t she have been a nice dull secretary and be done with it?’
As I try to process Hugo’s somewhat blunt take on his own daughter’s burgeoning career, from behind me I hear a voice. ‘Kate’s been a secretary for a long time and I’m sure she’ll tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.’
I turn around to find out who exactly is using me a benchmark for what not to do. There stands Stan, straight from work, looking handsome in a navy blue suit and stripy shirt with no tie.
‘Well, you’re not the least bit dull darling,’ Hugo winks at me and shakes Stan’s hand. This is as good as telling me I have a great personality and my heart is in the right place. Plonking his glass down on the table, he takes a deep breath to compose himself, before walking back into the performance, serving as a cue for the rest to reluctantly trail in after him, leaving just me, Stan and Liv.
‘Well girls, I got held up at the office and missed most of the play so I’ve given up. Can I get both of you another drink?
Liv squeezes his arm in affection. ‘Yes Stan, I’d love an exciting glass of water,’ she says then stands up. ‘I’m just off to the loo. Baby pressing on my bladder.’ Off she waddles through a random door, before coming back into the foyer and going through another.
With Liv out of the way, I gently punch Stan on the arm. ‘Thanks for the endorsement mate. Nothing I like better than hearing that I’m a boring secretary. It never wears thin.’
Stan looks at me and appears to be thinking hard. ‘No of course not! I was just trying to be funny,’ he explains, looking a bit red in the face. ‘You know you’re anything but that.’
I’m genuinely touched, but finding this sudden seriousness at little bit strange and out of keeping with his normal banter. ‘I don’t need reassurance about my career, seriously. Things are looking up.’ I’m about to tell Stan about the Globe but then I think better of it. I’ll save it for another time.
‘What’s up with you anyhow?’ I ask, studying a lipstick mark on the wine glass that is certainly not mine. ‘You know, all this ringing and texting. Is everything okay with you and Anna?’ I then playfully dig him in his ribs. ‘Is she making you watch the play every day huh? Do you need counselling?’
Stan stops looking so serious and smiles. ‘No, everything is okay. It’s just that Dan sent me pictures of that Westerner 4 holiday and it got me thinking, I’ve never been entirely straight with you. We need to clear some stuff up.’ Not that holiday again.
‘Stan, it was both of our faults thinking good friends could just go on holiday together. If it ain’t broke ‘n all that.’ I wish Stan would just drop it. ‘Move on,’ I say. ‘Seriously, I really don’t want to dwell on it. What is there to discuss? We went on holiday and fell out and then it took us a while to get back normal. Leave it alone.’
With impeccable timing, Liv then waddles through the double doors and heaves herself onto a stool. ‘What did I miss?’ she asks, stroking her tummy.
‘Oh nothing, we’re just talking about old times.’ Stan mutters into his beer. Old times? It wasn’t that long ago Stan.
As the applause starts up, to my horror I realise that we’ve been sat here for the duration of the entire play.
‘Stan, tell me the storyline quick!’ I grab the shiny A5 leaflet and study the play’s synopsis as the foyer starts filling up. ‘This is a little wordy. Give me the general gist.’
‘Halle-fucking-lujah, it’s over,’ sighs Liv loudly, putting on her coat. ‘Best performance I’ve ever not seen. I might do this again.’
Just then, Hugo walks out with Anna who is looking a bit odd, wearing what appears to be a swimming cap on her head.
‘There you all are!’ her father beams. ‘We were just telling Anna what a great job she did didn’t she?’
He looks at us pointedly and we all make the appropriate noises of enthusiasm.
‘Those two lines at the end changed the course of the entire story hey?’ Anna proudly announces. They did? What two lines? Thankfully, we seemed to have got away with it and she is oblivious to our ignorance. ‘What a twist hey! I certainly packed a punch didn’t I?’ she says, putting her arms around Stan’s waist, prompting Liv, who she has her back to, sticking her tongue out at her. ‘So, I blew you away huh?’ The way Anna looks at me it makes me think that she has no desire for any other opinion but that one.
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ quips Liv, before wandering off again. ‘Excuse me everyone. I have to go to the loo. Again. Lady with a baby.’
Without looking at me, Stan, who’s been quiet up until now, gives his girlfriend a hug. ‘You were amazing.’
CHAPTER 19 - BLOW THEM OUT
As I help myself to some crisps from the cupboard I’m being eyeballed by Claire, resplendent in full workout gear, with her hair tied back so tightly she’s rocking the Croydon facelift look.
‘Why is your brother coming tonight?’ she moans, banging her water filter down.
Shaking my head, I get out some wine glasses from the cupboard. ‘It’s my birthday Claire.’
Rolling her eyes as though I’m being highly unreasonable, she takes what looks like a rolled up piece of turf out from the oven. A vegan roulade that looks dry enough to insulate my loft. ‘Mmm,’ she sniffs. ‘Doesn’t it smell wonderful? Zero calories you know.’
Despite various ‘allergies’ – and of course, her own brand of vegetarianism that still allows her to eat ham – Claire insists on treating this like any old night and hogging the entire kitchen to make a meal for Scary Linda and Dave, leaving me with little choice but to cook a one-pot wonder.
With my head in the oven attempting to put foil over a boiling dish, I’m hoping that Linda or that boyfriend of hers will move their freeloading arses off the sofa and find out who has rung the doorbell. No such luck.
After the third ring, I march down the hallway muttering obscenities to myself and answer the door. Looking a little rough, with designer stubble and a jacket that has seen cleaner days, Dan stands there with his arm outstretched holding a bottle.
‘Happy Birthday sis!’ He leans in and hugs me, hitting me with a stench of something not too pleasant.
‘Dan, you look like George Michael in the ‘Faith’ video,’ I groan, pushing him away.
‘You mock, but I have you know this jacket has seen a lot of action. It’s my lucky jacket.’ The last time I heard that phrase was when Sienna’s Pete was reacting to his ‘lucky jacket’ getting stuck in my guttering. Dan then looks me up and down. ‘Nice apron birthday girl! You’re going all out tonight aren’t you?’ I give him one of my looks before going to check on dinner.
Dan disappears into the lounge and says hello to the others, only to walk straight back into the kitchen. ‘Who are the muppets on the sofa? I thought Liv was going to be here?’ he says, taking the champagne as though to open it.
‘She’s coming,’ I reply. ‘You’re still in the doghouse you know. You had better be charming this time.’ Dan just looks at me and does a sarcastic grin.
Getting the wine out of the freezer where it has been emergency chilling, I pour some out for Dan who declines and waves his bottle at me. ‘Please drink my champagne. It’s your birthday. Let’s get drunk in style.’
My arm doesn’t need twisting twice, so the wine gets poured down the sink and I get out two champagne flutes that are so rarely used, they are covered in a layer of dust. Dan pops open his champagne. Knocking a glass back, he sits down at the kitchen table and does a large burp.
‘Katie, I won’t beat around the bush. I’m experiencing a drought on the woman front. So far this financial quarter, not even a snog – yup, not even one with the homely blind date the other week.’ I look at my handsome and wealthy brother and feel reassured that all is not as it seems sometimes, even for him. ‘I mean, I’m not as emotionally screwed up as you,’ he quickly adds. ‘But still, it’s not good.’
Knocking my champagne back so quickly, I snort as I feel the bubbles go up my nose. ‘Maybe you’re a little bored of the same old same old.’ I say, closing the oven door. ‘I mean, surely after a while, every nasal-voiced bimbo merges into one? You could shake it up a little. Ring in the changes.’
Dan’s not always been this way. In fact, before he became a successful banker doing whatever it is he does, he was the aimless one in the family. He didn’t particularly work at school and was always hanging about by the beach huts with the in crowd, smoking and doing God knows what else in the bus shelter. He then went to college but dropped out several times over, course after course after course. Not that he was ever that bothered about not knowing what he wanted to do, nor were my parents for that matter. My sister Harriet had done the family PR for everyone, having just graduated from Oxford so they were busy dining out on that. I also had miraculously pulled it out the bag for my A-levels – a feat not that impossible given that if you weren’t hanging out with Claire and her gang in this town, there wasn’t a great deal else to do.
Dan then went abroad, but instead of coming home like I did, he stayed out there for years, working as a tour guide in North America. Whilst it was a hobo kind of life, the fact you got your ego massaged daily by a load of European girls with no sense of direction, was worth its weight in gold. Dan was always fairly predictable, the type to walk the grandma round the church at a wedding, only to shag the bridesmaid at the back of the marquee an hour later. Not that I judged him: In fact, I rather liked having a popular ever-so-slightly slutty older brother as it reflected quite well on my street cred and prevented me from falling completely into the dork category.
Over the years that Dan was in America, we saw him so sporadically that we could never predict his mood. One time, he’d be happy and carefree, the next, reserved and a bit coy. Then one day he came home to visit, smelling of something resembling cologne. ‘I think I’ve met the one Kate,’ he said. Barely a month later, I then greeted a freshly dumped and rather smelly Dan in the arrivals hall. I was shocked at how unkempt he looked, like he’d been living in the Alaskan wilderness without a mirror to hand. ‘She didn’t feel the same,’ was all that he said through his beard.
That day in the airport was the last time I saw Dan crying over a girl. After that, he went back to doing what he did best, only this time he channelled that confidence of his into a banking career, adopting a ballsy approach that was so suited to the environment that he climbed through the ranks within a very short space of time.
‘Anyhow, who’s the girl on the couch groping the grumpy guy?’ Dan asks conversationally, as though we are alone and not within hearing shot of the subject matters.
Telling him crossly to ‘shhh’, I prod him. ‘You know, Linda. Claire’s best friend, we were all at school together remember?’
Dan nods in recognition. ‘And the grumpy friend?’ he asks.
‘Boyfriend,’ I hiss, correcting him, strangely indignant on Linda’s behalf as she’s worked so hard to get one.
‘What a catch,’ Dan says. ‘And he drinks shandy. My kind of man.’
‘Do not fear,’ I start chopping vegetables. ‘Liv and Wayne are joining us too, we’ll soon outnumber them.’
Claire suddenly appears from behind Dan at the kitchen door. ‘I heard that. You didn’t tell me Wayne was coming.’ I slam the chopping board down in irritation. ‘Look Claire, it’s my birthday and I don’t have to. Knock it off!’
‘Sorry,’ mumbles Claire, somewhat begrudgingly.
‘That’s okay,’ I say as graciously as possible and go to answer it, leaving Dan and Claire glaring at each other. In walks Liv with her trusted sidekick – the yoga ball. ‘Sorry I’m late. I brought pudding though. Sam knocked you up a treat!’ She then shows me a very elaborate chocolate cake with my name iced on top and I clap my hands in delight. ‘Look I know, your name isn’t spelt with a ‘C’ in it but Sam did try,’ says Liv. I’m so touched that I’m actually starting to feel excitement kick in for the first time today.
Birthday mode has been a little delayed, thanks to an awkward lunch with Anna who refused to mark the occasion until right at the end, where on us splitting the bill she produced a flimsy card. ‘My boyfriend was the one who reminded me,’ she smiled before chucking it onto the table. This struck me as odd as I had texted her to say I was having celebrations at mine, which had then been met with complete silence. ‘Sorry I was distracted. It’s our year anniversary you know!’ Err, yes, that’s ‘cause you got together on my birthday. ‘I’m planning a special meal for him tonight,’ she said grinning excitedly. ‘He’s coming up to London’.
And there it was again – this overwhelming urge to just stomp off and leave her to it. I couldn’t work out whether it was now tolerance on my part or that feeling of nostalgia that kept our friendship going but whatever it was, it was now being questioned on a regular basis. In times gone by, Anna and I have had so much fun together, sharing those in-jokes that only we got, spontaneous cinema trips to see bad films, or staying up all night at strange house parties we’d not been invited to – those evenings when you have too much wine and say that you’ll be best friends forever. I don’t think I’m imagining it anymore as something has definitely changed. Now we’re no longer carefree in London and she’s dating Stan, it’s as if she’s not totally on my side anymore. While she’s as entertaining as she ever was, there’s now unsubtle impatience, increasing more put downs and a constant one-upmanship. This undercurrent of unease is always there if I choose to tune into it, but I am desperately trying not to. For the sake of everything that’s gone before and her relationship with Stan, I must stay the course.
Liv now politely greets Dan with a kiss on both cheeks and allows him to push aside a chair so she can put her yoga ball down. ‘It’s the only way I can sit in comfort,’ she sighs, rotating her hips, which has this hypnotising effect on Dan, who is now
looking her up and down with an expression that possibly borders on lustful.
‘It’s okay Dan, you don’t have to stare at me like you want to eat me for dinner,’ she grins, stroking her belly. ‘I have a rather large baby pressing on my bladder and I wouldn’t make a tasty meal I assure you.’
The doorbell rings again and this time Claire quickly puts her head round the door and announces that she will get it, having poured herself into a strapless mini dress.
‘Why’s Claire now looking like a hooker?’ Dan says, whistling under his breath, to which Liv laughs and looks at him with a glint in her eye.
‘Wayne fancied Claire at school,’ I say, glancing over at Liv who is still busy looking at Dan. ‘Anyhow, now she’s divorced from Mr Happy, she’s discovered that he’s not so bad.’
Swaying on the ball, Liv looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘Just goes to show it only takes a minute and everything can change,’ she says. ‘Look at me!’ she points to her belly.
Moments later, Wayne appears at the door. ‘Happy Birthday!’ he says loudly, doing some stupid handshake with Dan, before leaning into me and whispering. ‘You have to help me. Claire is being full on. I mean, seriously full on. I’m starting to regret hand delivering that job offer letter.’ Yes, Wayne, I’m regretting having received it too.
A little while later, Liv, Dan, Wayne and myself are now seated at the table, while Claire, Linda and Dave are sitting on my sofa with trays on their laps. There are now two distinct camps – one, sawing their way through earnest looking roulade, the other, about to tuck into a stodgy beef stew with horseradish dumplings. Wayne is constantly looking across at Claire who is sitting provocatively on the couch, her boobs showcased like they’re in a window display. Talking loudly, Scary Linda keeps anxiously glancing over at Dave who in turn is wistfully looking over at us.
