by Austin, Lucy
Wayne just looks at him with a bemused expression. ‘Okay, can’t remember you but hey, yeah, welcome,’ he says, before walking off shaking his head.
From across the room I can see Anna having a one-sided conversation with my brother who, judging by his awkward body language, is clearly not interested. Catching my eye, Dan gives me that pained expression as I resume the conversation with Mabel.
‘Not the photocopier with Simon?’ I say to Mabel for extra effect as I take pleasure in watching her squirm. ‘Believe me, I was witness to the first lot of your boob photos circulating around the office. I only wish I could un-see them.’
Despite everything that has gone before, Joe and I both share a conspiratorial chuckle, me for a split second thinking that as we still have the same sense of humour, something vaguely resembling friendship might be salvaged after all.
He then looks me up and down. ‘What about you Kate? You’re not telling me you’ve not kissed anyone at work. You can’t have held a torch for me the whole time. I trust you got out there,’ he grins as his sister laughs delightedly. I just look wearily at him, berate myself for this momentary lapse of judgement and wander away from both of them. No Joe, on second thoughts, we won’t be friends. It’s not just that I have nothing to say to him, I actually don’t know him anymore.
‘I physically stuck my foot out in the hope to trip him up,’ Liv says, when I recount what Joe said to me. She then asks the obvious question. ‘Anyhow, what is he doing at a party in Broadstairs? He must have run out of people in London to brag to.’ I nod in agreement as even for Joe, the ‘King of CoogeeView’, this is a bit odd. I honestly don’t understand how my world can be that small that my ex flame is now hanging out in a seaside town with my school friends.
‘Am I the only one noticing my brother is always staring at you?’ I nudge, pointing my head in a backwards direction, as while chatting to Stan, Dan is openly looking over at Liv every sixty seconds.
‘Yeah,’ Liv grins. ‘It feels nice actually. No, make that fucking amazing!’
Over Liv’s head, I then spy Anna entering the room and walking over to Stan.
‘What do you mean it feels amazing?’ I say, wanting Liv to elaborate.
‘Oh you know, you meet someone and then think he’s a fucking jerk, only to then think completely differently,’ she explains. Fair enough, I think, perhaps that is worthy of the word ‘amazing’.
Grinning, Liv gives me a quick hug, before motioning to Dan to follow her into the other room, prompting Stan to wander over to me and leave Anna mid-sentence.
‘They’re a good match those two,’ Stan says, nodding in Dan and Liv’s direction.
‘I’m still getting my head round the fact they don’t hate each other anymore,’ I admit. ‘Well, whaddya know? Silly old me! Turns out they clash because it is true love.’
Stan puts his arm around my shoulders. ‘Yup, everything can change in a blink of an eye you know.’ It’s strange but I’m pretty sure Liv said the same thing to me on my birthday.
I glance over at my friend and I just can’t help myself. ‘Well, it didn’t work for us did it?’ I say, in this little strangled voice. I’m embarrassed for vocalising the it that hovers between us, the it that as it turns out has been following us for our whole friendship, and the it that I now realise has prevented me from getting on with the business of new relationships. For that brief moment in California when Stan and I decided to go there – albeit for a millisecond – I could imagine what the change in feeling could bring, where falling in love with your best friend could take you. Then Stan stuck a pin in my balloon and made it bang. ‘You didn’t tell me you were the one who ended it with Anna,’ I say quietly.
‘You never asked,’ he argues. ‘You just assumed. Like she’s this Hollywood goddess. Yes, people have been known to finish with Anna, Kate.’ I know he’s right. I did immediately presume she finished it with him as people don’t dump Anna do they? I mean she’s the girl that all the boys love. She’s the greatest – isn’t she? ‘Anyhow, having my ex here is driving me to drink, you want some?’ asks Stan waving his empty glass at me, leaving me standing there with just a cheese and pineapple hedgehog for company.
‘Hey Kate.’ It’s Joe and inwardly I groan. Here we go!
‘Steady on, two conversations in two years – we might make a habit out of it!’ I joke, but Joe just sways from the drink, now and again shaking that ponytail that I’m sure as hell they didn’t sport in gladiator times.
‘Since I’ve been back in the UK, all I’ve been hearing about is how I hurt you.’ Oh not this again.
‘Joe,’ I interrupt, gently putting my hand on his arm. ‘We’ve already covered this. I used to talk about you.’ And I mean a lot. ‘But you know what, I’m absolutely fine now.’
Joe looks incredulous. ‘Really?’ The cheek! He sounds like just like Anna!
‘Yes, really!’ Shaking his head, Joe gestures for me to sit down on the nearby sofa, but I’ve no plans to be settling in for a couch session anytime soon.
‘Look, I know I never kept in touch with you,’ he says looking up at me, stretching his flamingo pink crocs out in front of him. ‘But my career was more of a priority. I did tell you that.’ I know you did Joe, that’s all you ever talked about! We would sit on Coogee beach watching the ferocious waves suck under some poor unsuspecting tourist, while he’d strum those same two chords on his guitar and declare how he’d never settle for any old job and his career was going to go stratospheric.
‘Thing is Kate, my destiny was set. I did exactly what I said I was going to do,’ he states proudly, with a note of reconciliation in his voice, like we are tying up loose ends. ‘I just never thought for a minute you’d never bother doing anything constructive yourself.’
Looking at those wrinkles born from too much partying under the hole in the Ozone layer, two years have flown by but I still know that face as well as I did when we were together. Like Stan, I’ve stared at him for so long that he is branded on my brain forever.
‘Look, I admit I invested a lot of valuable time liking you Joe,’ I say, putting another cheese and pineapple stick in my mouth, my tenth of the night. A lot. ‘But I’m okay now, just a little sad at wasting so much time on you – the same way as you would be if you had to get rid of a stray animal that you got used to feeding.’ Joe looks seriously underwhelmed at my analogy, which I concede is not the most flattering one from my repertoire. ‘What I mean is that I took a bit longer to get over you than I planned.’ I say, attempting to articulate how I feel. ‘But let’s face it, it turns out there wasn’t really anything to get over was there?’ It’s true: When you’re told it’s distance that is thwarting your romance, it just doesn’t seem like a proper reason and so it elevates whatever it is you thought you had. Add into the equation the fact there was nothing really to end in the first place, no wonder I found it twice as hard to find closure.
‘But you know something, I take full responsibility as I used you as an excuse, for not accomplishing all the things I could have done,’ I say chewing on a cocktail stick. ‘That was my own stupid fault. You see, you never for one second waivered from your ambitions – and full respect to you – whereas me, I spent too much time avoiding decisions in preference for pining for something that didn’t even exist.’
Staring at the cheese and pineapple hedgehog that’s now looking like it’s got alopecia, Joe looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘You know something Kate, everyone just thinks I sat out in the sun all day with a beer, pulling all the girls,’ he says.
‘Joe, you know that’s all you did!’ I laugh. ‘I’ve never seen anyone’s feed so active on Facebook. My God, I’m surprised you had time to actually do any work, you were so busy with your selfie stick,’ I say, smiling at him. What a cathartic little exercise this whole experience is turning out to be!
From out the corner of my eye, I can see Stan coming back into the room with my drink and looking in my direction. I shake my head as though to say
, ‘It’s okay I have got this covered’.
‘Anyhow, never mind me,’ says Joe, ignoring my previous comment, as he damn well knows it’s true. ‘What are we going to do about you! Arsing about in shitty secretarial jobs?’
Annoyed at his over-familiar and critical stance that has dashed any hope I had of a meaningful exchange, I interrupt. ‘Excuse me! My jobs weren’t shit! They just weren’t me!’ Why I’m feeling the need to explain myself to him, I have no idea but he’s touched a nerve that’s been touched one too many times.
‘And now I hear you’re now working in a café again,’ he shakes his head. ‘Not exactly high flying stuff is it?’
‘You know something Joe?’ I say, my heart pounding. ‘You really don’t know me anymore. In fact, I don’t think you ever did. You see. I never really got a word in edgeways the whole time we were in Sydney. ‘Cause you never stopped talking long enough to ask did you? And just because I happen to be doing something that I stumbled upon doesn’t make it a wrong choice!’
Taking a sip of his snakebite and black, Joe rolls his eyes and swishes his ponytail. ‘Don’t make it sound like a proper job Kate. You’re kidding yourself. You’re just taking the lazy way out.’
Swooping in just in time, Batman Dan swishes his cape around me and checks I’m okay.
I nod, openly flushed, the way you get when you’re hopping mad and ready to hack someone’s beloved ponytail off with nail scissors. ‘Joe, I really don’t care what you think. It has absolutely nothing to do with you,’ I say, to which Dan stifles a snigger and looks down at his bat sign, which is still flashing intermittently. ‘And you want to know something else?’ I say a little shriller than anticipated, looking at this frankly, rather obnoxious man that has occupied far too many of my thoughts to date. ‘And while we’re all about honesty, has anyone ever told you that no-one with any sense gets a tattoo that says Y.O.L.O. No-one! Oh and you are also a terrible kisser. Awful! I pity the girl you end up with!’
As Joe sits there pursing his lips looking flabbergasted at my fighting talk, Anna, who appears to have been listening to the whole exchange slowly walks over and sits down straight onto his lap. In complete slow motion, he then puts his arm around her and kisses her full on the lips – the kind of kiss that smacks of something more.
‘Err, you two seem cosy,’ I say and Dan squeezes my hand protectively. Joe whispers something to Anna, who then shrieks with laughter and rubs her hand up and down that little thigh of his. With the chorus of a Taio Cruz song playing in the background, Anna then looks right at me without blinking. ‘Kate, thing is, sorry to break it to you but I’m the one kissing Joe. You see, we’re actually dating.’
CHAPTER 35 - MABEL ON TOAST
Waking to the sound of Claire and Wayne laughing in the kitchen, I’m still fully clothed on my bed in last night’s Monica dress that now has a few extra stains on it. After last night’s little revelation, I ended up in Wayne’s bathroom feeling absolutely numb and bereft of anything to say, and then having the bright idea to sit in the vodka jelly bath.
‘Kate, we’ve all known about Anna and Joe for a while. We didn’t know how to tell you,’ Dan said, sitting on the side of the bath, with Liv and Stan standing over me.
As a mark of solidarity, Liv then got into the vodka jelly bath too, white halter-neck dress and all. ‘Wow, this is really comfortable! It’s a bit like a water bed no?’
‘When did they start going out?’ I asked Liv who was busy fishing out a vodka jelly from under her to put in her mouth.
‘Remember when you went up the coast in Australia?’ she recalled with a pained expression. ‘They had a fling that lasted for the time you were away.’ And as though she knew what I was going to say she squeezed my arm. ‘Look, you were so infatuated with him that I didn’t know how to tell you. Then you got so attached to Anna I didn’t want to look like a shit-stirrer. But that’s why I’ve always said that Anna is a two-faced bitch who uses that vagina of hers far too regularly.’ Massaging the back of her shoulders, Dan looked down in adoration at this woman who dropped the word ‘vagina’ into a sentence as easily as she said ‘okay’.
All the while, Stan just had this grim expression on his face. ‘That bloke is an arse Kate,’ he says.
‘And so is Anna!’ adds Dan. ‘I’m not entirely sure why you became friends!’ Knowing what I know now, the irony isn’t lost on me. There I had been, building up this big romance with Joe, making out we never went anywhere because of bad timing, when really he was shagging Anna behind my back – Anna who I’d listened to so much as though she had my best interests at heart.
‘Well, Joe was the reason why Anna and I were friends. We had the Australia thing in common. And it would appear a boyfriend too! I’m a little surprised as she is a good few inches taller than him.’ I then popped a vodka jelly into my mouth, feeling like the biggest mug on earth, the last one to be in on the joke.
‘She’s been seeing him since he came back from Oz,’ adds Stan quietly.
It all makes sense now. All those times, I rang up Anna late at night and she was having a ‘rehearsal’. Working out the timeline, given the clear overlap between Joe and her relationship with Stan, there is now no doubt as to why he decided to finish things. Sitting there in the bath, with green gunk all over my dress, I had to concede that my dignity was hanging on by a thread and this was my queue to leave. Without looking at the happy couple again, I reassured all my friends I was fine, bid farewell and got a cab back to my flat.
Once home, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do as I was too full of adrenalin, vodka jelly and Scotch Eggs, but too weary either to do much else but sit on the sofa. I then remembered Claire and Liv talking about romantic comedy endings. It sounded like a pointless exercise, but I had nothing to lose did I? With my laptop fired up, I went onto YouTube and there in the dark, I watched a million different montages, all edited by these super fans that clearly understood one thing – everyone needs to believe in happy endings. It was then I realised I’d got it so wrong. Instead of editing out the bad bits and focusing on the good, turning it into a memory of something that clearly wasn’t what I perceived it to be, I should have been focusing on the good because of the bad bits. As clip after clip played out, I visibly relaxed and felt something I hadn’t felt for a long time – hope. I wasn’t about to give up, having come so far. Was this revelation really that surprising? No. And guess what? Everything was going to be okay.
Having got dressed after a scalding hot shower, I walked through to the lounge from the kitchen, eating my cornflakes noisily. ‘Did you know about Anna and Joe?’ I asked a very hung-over Claire who was attempting to put a comb through her rock solid hair, sitting on the couch, next to Wayne who was still in his Mitch Buchanan attire, having once again walked away from his own party – and those vodka jellies that were probably still languishing in the bath. Claire glanced at Wayne in that not-so-subtle way and just nodded.
‘I’m going out,’ was all I said and with that, I got my jaded self to work.
As I now speak, Hilarious Sam is grilling a rather over-packed focaccia sandwich, layered with mozzarella and sundried tomatoes on the hotplate and I’m desperately trying to ignore the smell for fear of scoffing the lot. I take the orders off her and start ladling them out – a paper bag for take-outs and a small plate with the salad garnish for in-house. Now I’m a fully paid up member of the barista club, Paolo spends the whole time telling me what a privilege it is and that I mustn’t abuse it. I beg to differ as being watched like a hawk while I nervously check the thermometer on the milk is hardly my idea of a promotion.
‘You boil the milk, the game is over,’ he declares, acting as though we are playing a game of Dungeon & Dragons.
Sam then pops her head out of the kitchen. ‘Paolo, I heard that – that’s a little dramatic don’t you think?’ she exclaims, laughing. ‘It’s hardly life or death. It’s only coffee.’
‘Only coffee?’ mutters Paolo. ‘Only coffee!’
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br /> When I first catch sight of Mabel Bunce, I do the mature thing and try to duck under the counter. Unfortunately, Paolo immediately catches on. ‘Who are on earth are you hiding from Kate,’ he ponders loudly, looking down at me, only to then point at her. ‘This plain girl with the solid back?’ Cursing my boss who’s clearly still early on in his social skills training, I have no choice but to face the music.
‘Oh there it is, my teaspoon. Oh hi Mabel, what can I get you?’ I try to sound as casual as possible.
‘Oh. My. God,’ she shrieks and I think here we go.
‘I didn’t realise you worked here,’ she looks around her with an expression that borders on horror. I stare at her straight, appraising her greasy forehead and those stilettos that are in no way practical for rushing back up the hill to the train.
‘You going back up to London?’ I ask, hopefully.
‘Yeah, getting a coffee and a snack before I head up on your very slow train service. Someone recommended this place to me at the party last night. I still have no idea why you live in the sticks.’ Why, because you live in London Mabel! Smirking, she then looks around her. ‘Well, glad you’ve gone onto bigger and better things!’ The old me would have reacted to her sarcasm with a hurried explanation about why I’m doing what I’m doing. The new me just doesn’t really give a toss.
‘Mabel, what can I get you? Would you like a coffee and a muffin bigger than your head?’ I say, not sure that the last part is strictly possible given her gargantuan cranium. Mabel looks flustered.
As I take her order that she deliberately changes three times, I just keep ripping up the pages of the order form and screwing them into little balls, smiling the same smile, channelling Hilarious Sam all the way. You are not going to win Mabel – you’re on my territory. We then stand there as I wait for her to count out her money, which for someone who’s so great at spreadsheet formula takes a ridiculously long time. Just as I’m about to make her a coffee with some extra spit thrown in for good measure, Paolo appears from nowhere.
