by Anna Bell
‘Now then, no one’s been drinking this morning, have they?’ says the guy in charge of putting us in the cars when we get trackside.
‘No,’ we all say shaking our heads.
Although I could have done with a glass of something half an hour ago when I was full mushroom. I see a nun walk out of the changing room and it makes my costume seem half decent. Surley she must be on a hen do. I do a double take, though, as her full-length robes are very convincing, but then I see the condoms stapled to the bottom of her costume. Yep, it definitely could have been worse.
‘As you’re doing girls versus boys, I’ve put the girls in red helmets and the boys in blue. You’ve got half an hour to see what time you get and the only twist is that you are racing like Mario Kart, so if you get close enough to the back of someone, you can shoot them with a laser.’
‘What, an actual laser?’ I ask, worried that this is sounding a little dangerous.
Danny winks at me as Kerry gives me a gentle shove.
‘They are real lasers, but not the kind that could slice you in half. Essentially, it’s the same as when you used to throw a shell to hit someone in the computer game. It’ll just slow them down.’
‘OK,’ I say, thinking that it sounds a little less scary.
‘Just remember that this isn’t dodgems, and you’ll be laughing. Now, did Simon already do the safety brief with you?’
We nod. Simon was very comprehensive with his safety briefing.
‘And you’ve signed your waivers?’
We all nod again.
‘Great, then get in your cars. The lights will flash overhead for a countdown and when they disappear, you go.’
‘That’s it?’ I mutter. ‘No practice laps?’
‘Not on a Saturday, we’re chock-a. You’ll be fine,’ says the guy as I double check my helmet’s safely fixed on my head.
‘Come on, Toad,’ says Kerry, ‘don’t let the girls down.’
We climb into our cars and Danny blows a kiss at me, which is a little disturbing as he has bright pink lipstick plastered on his face.
I look down at my pedals and try to remind myself which one is stop and which go, when all of a sudden the engines are revving and I look up to see the lights overhead disappearing and everyone is off but me. Bloody hell. I floor the accelerator and jerk off the starting line, desperately trying to catch everyone up.
Luckily for me it doesn’t take long to catch up, thanks to the lasers that everyone’s firing. It’s hilarious as, for a few seconds, the lasers make you slow right down as if you’re driving through treacle. I give a little wave as I weave and dodge between those who have been hit, until I’m in the lead. Woohoo. Or at least I am until I crash into a pile of tyres.
Stuart gives me a little sarcastic wave as I try and manoeuvre back onto the track, which only spurs me on.
I draw level with Lucy, who gives me a little thumbs-up as we’re not that far behind Danny and Stuart. Remembering that we’re girls versus boys, I shoot Danny with my laser and nip on round, letting out a cackle as I zoom past. I always remembered Mario Kart being fun when we were kids, but this takes it to a whole new level.
*
I’m just adjusting my mushroom hat ready for my podium entrance when Danny walks up to me. He slips his hand onto my back and pulls me towards him, bashing into me with his fake boobs.
‘I don’t remember the princess being quite so voluptuous.’
‘I think this is all from Stuart’s imagination.’
He leans over to give me a quick kiss.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he whispers into my ear.
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I purr back, and I’m about to give him another kiss when Stuart shows up.
‘Now, now, you two. You know the rules,’ he says, gently dragging Danny away.
I look around hoping to see one of the girls, when I see Gaz standing in the corner looking at his phone, his brow furrowed.
‘Hey there,’ I say, smiling as I walk over to him.
‘Hey,’ he says, putting his phone in his pocket.
He looks up at me and I can’t help thinking how ridiculous he looks with his giant moustache.
‘Listen, I’m sorry about lunch at our place last week. It got a little out of hand. I shouldn’t have had all that wine on an empty stomach.’
‘It’s fine. Really.’
‘It’s not. The lunch was supposed to be meeting you properly and getting to know you and I start telling you that I suspect my wife’s having an affair.’
‘It’s fine, really,’ I say again, hoping that someone will come and rescue me soon. Despite Danny not telling me everything before, it’s still making me feel awkward that I know that Gaz isn’t totally making it up.
‘Well, thanks for being so understanding, anyway.’
‘It’s no problem. We’ve all been there – it’s easy for our thoughts to run away with themselves.’
He nods. His eyes look tired and I get the impression that he’s been losing sleep over it.
‘The thing is, I keep calling her today. I even called her in the middle of last night on our home phone. I was so convinced that she was going to be with someone else.’
‘And?’
‘She gave me a bollocking for waking her up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just convinced myself that she was having an affair and I was going to catch her out.’
Unless the person she’s having an affair with is here too I think, looking over at Danny, before instantly getting cross with myself. Ross has put all sorts of doubts into my head with his questions about Danny’s motivations and what he’s hiding.
I pat Gaz’s arm sympathetically. It’s all I can do, I don’t really feel I know him well enough to give him a proper hug.
‘Hey,’ says Lucy bounding up, and I sigh with relief. ‘I hope you’re not fraternising with the enemy.’
‘Not at all,’ I say, smiling and remembering that I’m on my hen do.
‘Good, because they’re doing the podium now. Get ready to take your place.’
I smile back and try to tell myself that I’m wrong about Danny and Victoria.
‘I guess we’re not going to live it down that we got beaten by the girls,’ says Gaz.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, just as we get called up to take our place.
I climb up and the boys stand in front of us bowing their heads that they’ve lost out to us.
Kerry pops the cork of a bottle of Prosecco and pours me a glass, which I practically inhale as we start to sing ‘We Are the Champions’.
I feel uneasy after the conversation with Gaz and I need to take the edge off it.
‘Blimey, there was no hanging about with that Prosecco, was there?’ says Lucy as she tops me up. ‘You’ll have to pace yourself – we’ve got a whole day and evening still planned for you two. Besides, we’ve got a better use for this.’
She puts her thumb over the bottle top and starts spraying us all.
‘Let’s get this party started,’ she says with a whoop.
Danny scoops me up and starts to run away with me as Lucy chases after us.
‘What have we let ourselves in for?’ he says, giving me a sneaky kiss.
He couldn’t be more right.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I am never drinking again. Never. Ever. I thought that the stag do got out of hand. It turns out it was only the preamble to the wedding. Man did that get rough. The wedding went off without a hitch. The best man remembered the rings and presented them to the vicar with the utmost professionalism, and his speech was the right balance between embarrassment and sentimentality. And I was so relieved that I’d finished my duties that I felt like I then drank everyone’s allocation of wine. Never ever again.
Email; Danny to Lydia, May 2018
‘I just love you guys so much,’ I say practically decapitating Kerry and Lucy as I get them both in a crook of an elbow and squeeze them into me. ‘Thank you so much for organising this.’
She wrestles herself free and smooths down her hair.
‘We’d better get some food on, the boys will be here any minute.’
I actually sigh, the kind of contented sigh that only Disney heroines make when the main man appears.
‘You are so sickeningly in love,’ says Lucy as she shakes her head. ‘I mean, I can’t believe it. All those years with Ross I never realised what a hopeless romantic you were.’
‘That’s because what Ross and I had,’ I say shaking my head, ‘was so different. I wonder if we should have only been friends.’
‘Really?’ says Kerry. ‘You were together five years, the whole thing couldn’t have been a mistake?’
I feel a bit bad as I still think of him as one of my best friends and in not wanting him in that way I feel as if I’m slighting him, especially when we did have some really good times. Only there was never the passion that there is with Danny.
‘I guess “mistake” is a bit harsh, but I think I knew for a long time that he wasn’t the one.’
‘Do you think he’ll marry Wonder Girl?’ asks Lucy as she goes in search of more Prosecco in the fridge – which is not a particularly good idea given how much we’ve already consumed.
‘I don’t know. I can never tell if he’s serious about her or not but sometimes I see him smiling at her as if he’s enchanted. He was never enchanted by me.’
‘Oh, that’s not true, is it?’ says Lucy. ‘He must have loved you.’
I wonder if that’s not fair, maybe he was once but he certainly didn’t look at me in the same way at the end – neither of us did.
‘I think he loved me, but I don’t think he was in love with me. Not really. We had that kind of sex that scratched an itch, you know?’
‘What, as opposed to the sex that gives you an itch, as I’m pretty sure that’s what you want to avoid,’ says Kerry. ‘Seriously, though, you know I think that’s what most relationships grow into in the end. Don’t be disappointed if Danny’s not copping a feel every time he walks past you in a few years.’
‘Come on, I’ve seen Jim, that’s what he does.’
Kerry laughs.
There’s a knock at the door and my stomach flips. I feel as if I’m a teenager again getting all excited that the boys are coming over.
I open the door, still dressed as Toad the mushroom, only it’s not Danny in front of me, it’s Victoria.
‘Oh, hi,’ she says, as she looks me up and down. ‘I almost didn’t recognise you.’
‘How nice to see you. Do come in,’ I say, as I step back for her. ‘This is Gaz’s wife, Victoria. Victoria, this is my sister Kerry and my best friend Lucy.’
‘Ooh it’s so great to meet you finally in person,’ says Kerry. ‘Victoria helped to arrange all this.’
I watch in amazement as Kerry and Victoria hug like long-lost friends.
‘It’s so lovely to meet you too. I’m so glad that I made it for at least some of it.’
‘Let’s get you some bubbles to catch up,’ says Lucy, just as Victoria takes her coat off and reveals her baby bump.
‘Better not,’ she says, smiling widely at them. ‘I brought some tonic water with me. So tell me all about what you’ve been up to.’
She sits down at the table and I can’t believe what I’m seeing. She’s like a different person.
‘Well, the girls won the go kart racing,’ says Kerry proudly.
‘Excellent, I can imagine that went down badly with the boys.’
‘Yeah, I don’t think they’ve got over it yet.’
‘And the Mr and Mrs game went well.’
‘Yes, Danny and I got most of them right,’ I say as I sit down.
She looks at me as if that’s hard to believe before she smiles again.
There’s another knock at the door and I get up to answer, thinking that it really must be the boys this time, only to see that it’s Caroline and Rob.
‘Oh my God, you made it,’ I say flinging my arms around them. ‘I’m so touched. Where’s Ethan?’
‘With Matt at his mum’s in Stourbridge. Rob gave me a lift and Matt’s coming to pick me up in a couple of hours.’
‘That’s amazing,’ I say, hugging them again. ‘Let’s get you drinks.’
I don’t even notice when the boys come in, until Danny walks past and gives me a quick kiss before he makes a beeline for Victoria.
‘I didn’t know you were coming,’ he says.
‘I couldn’t let you have a stag do without me, could I?’
Gaz walks over to her and gives her a kiss and rubs the bump affectionately, but she barely looks at him as she’s still grinning at Danny.
I gently pull him away and introduce him to Rob and Caroline.
‘I’m so thrilled to meet you,’ says Caroline giving him a big bear hug. ‘You’re one lucky man bagging our Lydia.’
‘Don’t I know it. Every morning I wake up and I can’t believe my luck.’
‘Ah,’ I say, letting him give me a hug.
Caroline’s wrinkling her nose up and smiling.
‘So let’s get this celebration started,’ says Kerry popping open another bottle of fizz from the seemingly never-ending supply.
Everyone picks up a flute as she tops up the glasses and I notice Victoria has stood up and is pawing away at Danny again.
‘There’s so much to celebrate,’ says Caroline to me as she sips the drink. ‘The sten do and your new promotion,’ says Caroline.
The smile instantly falls off my face and I hope that Danny didn’t hear.
‘I went into work to arrange my keeping in touch days and I heard the great news.’
Caroline’s on maternity leave from the design agency that we outsource our marketing to, with her not working there at the moment I hadn’t even thought of her finding out that way. I risk a look at Danny, who seems to be listening intently to Victoria.
Caroline chinks her glass with mine.
‘Looks like this is going to be your year.’
‘Looks like it,’ I say, wishing that it was all going to be that simple.
There’s another knock at the door. Kerry’s the closest and she opens it and the sound of ‘The Stripper’ starts to fill the room and my stomach sinks. Have the boys organised for Danny to have a stripper? Am I going to have to watch my husband-to-be get someone’s boobs thrust in his face whilst I pretend not to be bothered?
Lucy drags me forward, and Stuart pushes Danny towards the door. Danny takes my hand for moral support. He doesn’t seem crazy about the prospect either. We’re just reaching the doorstep when a leg kicks out across the doorway, causing Danny and I to take a step backwards. Another leg kicks from the other side, then the two legs clad in tights and high heels take turns to high kick to the beat. Before I can worry who the legs belong to, giant feathered fans shake down the side of the doorway, before two women pop out; they’re holding two fans each which are obscuring their faces and bodies.
The fans are shaking as the song builds up to its climax and presumably the great reveal. I’m not entirely sure I want to know what’s behind it – burlesque isn’t really my thing. Uh-oh. Alarm bells ring in my head – I know whose thing it is. I look closer at the heeled shoes and those legs and I don’t know whether to be more or less scared of the reveal now that I know who these two women are. Please God let them be wearing clothes underneath those fans.
‘Ta-daa,’ shout my mother and Hazel as they drop the fans down to the side. I’m relieved that they’re at least covered up – I just hope that I’m brave enough when I’m their age to pull off a sparkly leotard like the ones they’re wearing.
‘Had you going there, didn’t we, love? Your faces are pictures,’ says Hazel pulling at Danny’s cheeks.
She gives me a quick hug hello and waltzes into the kitchen.
‘Hazel’s been teaching me burlesque. I think I’m a natural,’ says Mum as
she drifts in after her.
I don’t say anything for fear of encouraging her. One day she’s crashing a hen do in a leotard, the next she’s crashing the wedding in nipple pasties.
‘You look so surprised, Lydia. But you didn’t think we’d miss your hen do now, did you?’ She gives me a hug and cackles wildly. ‘Did we miss all the drinking fun?’
‘No, you’re right on time,’ says Lucy, looping her arm through my mum’s and leading her to the booze.
I’m left staring in her wake wondering how many more surprises tonight has in store for us.
*
‘I don’t think this is such a good idea,’ I say to Lucy, who’s now pushed her moustache up to the top of her head so that it looks like a bow on an Alice band.
The party is in full swing and I feel as if I’ve spoken to everyone and no one. I’ve been trying to talk to Danny to double check he didn’t hear what Caroline said, but I haven’t been able to get near him.
‘Of course it’s a good idea. We need some kind of drinking game to keep it interesting. Everyone, make a circle,’ says Lucy clapping her hands.
She gently guides me to the sofa as she encourages everyone into the lounge area from the kitchen. She makes sure Danny sits down on the opposite side from me. I don’t like playing ‘never have I ever’ at the best of times, but do I really want to find out what the worst things Danny has done are?
‘Don’t worry,’ says Victoria with a sly smile. ‘It’s not as if you or Danny have got any big secrets from each other, is it?’
My blood runs cold as I worry about what will come up.
I make a last-ditch attempt to change everyone’s minds. ‘I don’t know if it’s appropriate in front of the mothers.’
‘Please, Lydia,’ says Hazel. ‘I’m sure your mum and I understand that you’re not an angel. I mean, I did walk in on you . . .’
‘Yes, yes, we don’t want you to say that word again.’
‘What Hazel’s trying to say is it’s just a bit of fun. And to be honest, I’m sure there isn’t much that you’ve done that we haven’t.’
Hazel and my mum laugh in exactly the same way and a ripple of dread rolls over me. I realise it’s not what Danny has or hasn’t done that I should be worried about, but more what my mum has or hasn’t. At least the two of them have changed out of their burlesque outfits and are now semi-respectable – well at least until we play a game.
