by Anna Bell
At least something is going right in my life.
I thank Tracey again and walk back over to my desk.
‘Thanks, Lydia,’ says Helen, turning to me as I sit down, ‘for the support and for covering me the last few weeks. I don’t know what I’d do without you here.’
‘Well, that’s lucky, as I’m going nowhere,’ I say. I know that I should be pleased, that my professional life is the best it’s ever been, but I can’t help thinking of the new life I’m no longer going to have with Danny.
I try and push the thoughts of him out of my mind. This is about fixing me and pining over him isn’t going to help.
Chapter Thirty
I’ve just finished having my kitchen redone and I thought of you today when I was fridge shopping. I was about to buy myself a super sleek black fridge with glass doors that was going to look great in my new kitchen. Only I realised it wasn’t magnetic and then what would I have done with my very tacky fridge-magnet collection? There’s also plenty of room for more . . .
Email; Danny to Lydia, November 2018
The lettings agent opens the door to the main flat and as I follow her in, I gasp. It’s a corner flat and has almost panoramic views out over the common to the sea. I can see the ferries cruising across the harbour, the seagulls circling over the beach and dogs being walked. It takes me a moment or two to tear my eyes away from the view and take in the rest of the flat. To the rear of the room is the kitchen-diner that’s separated by an open-partition wall.
I walk over into the lounge and I sit down on the leather sofa, which faces out towards the view. I don’t think I’d ever get anything done if I lived here.
‘Nice, huh?’ says the agent.
‘Just a bit.’
‘The bathroom and the bedroom are through here.’
I reluctantly get up and walk in to see a nice modern bathroom, followed by a small but perfectly functional bedroom.
‘It’s great,’ I say feeling as if this is a proper grown-up home to live in. It’s the type of flat I should have rented when I broke up with Ross. I should have sorted everything out back then. ‘What’s the rental term?’
‘Six months, but it’s likely to be ongoing as the owner lives abroad.’
I look once more at the view. The sky is starting to turn pink as the sun begins to set.
‘I’ll take it,’ I say. I’ve always loved it here down by the sea. Plus, it’s only a fifteen-minute walk to Kerry and Jim’s. Getting in and out of the city is going to be no worse than where I live now and there’s underground parking, which is a rarity around here – it’ll be refreshing not to be circling the streets having to parallel park miles away at stupid o’clock in the morning when I get home from an event.
‘Great. So I’ll email you the details of the holding deposit we’ll need, and then I’ll get the tenancy agreement together and we’ll go from there.’
‘Excellent,’ I say as I look around the room again, imagining myself living here. It’s small, but compared to where I am now it’s a palace. And that view!
*
I park my car back on my street and smile properly for the first time in days. I’m only a few weeks away from having my very own seafront apartment. I walk into the granny annexe no longer feeling sad that I’m going to be leaving and I hear voices coming from Kerry’s house. The door between my flat and their house is open.
I can hear my mum’s cackle drifting down the stairs and it takes me a minute or two to realise that Hazel’s there too.
I’m just about to turn round and walk out when Kerry shouts down.
‘Lydia, is that you?’
I don’t have time to make a bolt for it as suddenly she’s walking down the stairs.
‘I can’t face seeing Hazel,’ I say, knowing it’ll undo all the good things that I’ve achieved getting my life on track.
‘Come on, she’s come a long way,’ says Kerry. ‘She’s brought shortbread with her.’
I hesitate, but then I have zero willpower and I find myself up in the kitchen.
‘Oh, Lydia, love,’ says Hazel, wrapping me up in a hug. All I can do is bite my lip to stop myself from crying. ‘Now what on earth is going on with you and Daniel, and why haven’t you made up?’
‘It’s for the best,’ I say. ‘I think we were getting married for the wrong reasons. We were both searching for something that we thought marriage would help us find.’
‘Well, I don’t think there’s anyone round this table who didn’t think you were a little hasty in planning the wedding when you’d only just got together, but that doesn’t mean that you have to break up. The two of you are so right for each other. You’ve always been so right for each other. We’ve known all along, haven’t we, Linda?’
‘Oh yes. And then we thought you’d finally got together at Kerry’s wedding.’
‘You knew about that?’
‘Pur-lease,’ says Hazel. ‘It was written all over your faces at breakfast the next morning.’
So much for us being discreet.
‘It doesn’t matter though, does it? What happened in the past or even what happened between us now. He told me at the sten do that he can never trust me.’
‘Why?’ says Hazel. ‘Because you kissed Stuart years ago?’
‘I lied to him, or at least I didn’t tell him the whole story. I was supposed to have quit my job and I hadn’t. They’d offered me a promotion and I’d accepted it.’
‘That’s no reason not to be together. So you have a long-distance relationship.’
I shake my head. ‘He said it proved we couldn’t be together and I think he’s right I wouldn’t have chosen my job over him if I really loved him, would I?’
Kerry puts her hands on her hips.
‘That proves nothing. We’re not living in the 1950s anymore, your career is important and it’s understandable that you didn’t want to give everything up.’
‘I’m sure Danny would have supported you,’ says Hazel.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I say. ‘I still think that he’s in love with Victoria and he’s kidding himself that he’s not.’
‘What?’ says Hazel. ‘Him and Victoria? Believe me there is nothing between them.’
‘They kissed and she told him she loved him.’
‘And did he tell you that he’d said it back?’ says Hazel shaking her head. ‘No, he doesn’t love her.’
‘But it still all seems to fit, that’s why he was in such a hurry to marry me after we’d just got together; he was trying to forget about Victoria.’
‘What? The reason he was in a hurry to marry you was because he’s been in love with you for years, you idiot,’ says Hazel almost laughing. ‘Daniel was in love with you when you were teenagers and I’m guessing, giving the speed with which you two got engaged, that he never stopped.’
‘Danny wasn’t in love with me back then; we just had a heat-of-the moment kiss at a wedding. It was only as I was banging on about never having been in love that I think he felt obliged to make that silly pact with me.’
‘Actually, that’s not true,’ pipes up my mum, who’s been quiet up until now. ‘Did you know that he cut his travelling short for you?’
‘He what?’
‘He flew back to London then caught a flight up to Newcastle to see you.’
I look over at Hazel for confirmation but it looks as if it’s new information to her too.
‘But I never saw him, why did he come all that way and not let me know he was there?’
‘Well, he said that he saw you leaving your flat early one morning with a man with his arm around you and then I think he felt stupid for going all that way.’
‘What guy? Hang on, during the holidays? That would have been my friend Tim, who’s as camp as anything. He couldn’t walk anywhere without looping his arms with whoever he was walking with. I can’t believe Danny was there. How do you even know that?’
‘He told me when we were sorting out your trip to Spain. It was his ide
a that you go.’
‘What? But he didn’t know I was going to be there,’ I say as I think back to that moment in the lounge where I threw the can of mousse at his stomach.
‘He did. He set it all up. He wanted you both to meet up somewhere neutral to see what happened.’
I think back to our time in Spain. He planned it. The whole thing. So much for it being fate.
I can’t work out whether to be outraged or flattered.
‘Why didn’t he just ask me out?’
‘Why do something the easy way when you can do it the hard way,’ says Hazel, laughing.
‘And you knew he was going to be there,’ I say to her. She must have been a better actress than I thought as she seemed genuinely surprised to see me in Danny’s lounge that night and I don’t think it was only because I was near-naked.
‘I didn’t know then, but of course your mum filled me in later.’
I give my mum a look to suggest I wish she’d filled me in too.
‘I think the bottom line is he’s crazy about you,’ says Hazel. ‘Always has been, always will be. I mean, he sends you presents and cards for heaven’s sake. I haven’t got a birthday card in years and I’m lucky if he remembers to buy us a present at Christmas.’
‘I’ve never known a guy who would go to the effort that he’s done over the years to send you all that stuff,’ says Kerry. ‘Jim’s idea of a thoughtful gift is a packet of Alka Seltzer after a curry.’
I think of all the presents: the magnets, the cards, the letters, and I slowly start to let it sink in that maybe what they’re saying is true.
‘Even if he did love me, he’s not in love with me anymore. He was so mad at me after he found out about the kiss with Stuart and my promotion. I’ve never seen him so angry.’
‘Then why hasn’t he cancelled the wedding?’
‘What?’
‘The booking for the wedding is still standing, I phoned to double check yesterday,’ says Hazel.
‘Maybe he hasn’t got round to it yet.’
‘Or maybe he’s hoping you’ll sort it out,’ she says, raising both her eyebrows at once.
I shake my head.
‘This is all too much to take in,’ I say. It was all such a whirlwind with Danny and I was using a relationship to fix what was wrong with my life. I feel the pain burning in my chest when I think of him.
‘It wasn’t real. None of it’s real. We’ve built each other up in our heads over the years and we both thought we were people that we weren’t. I don’t think we really know each other properly at all.’
Hazel goes to open her mouth and I hold my hand up.
‘I’m really touched that you came all this way to talk to me. I appreciate it, I really do, but Danny and I are not going to get married next week. He’s going to get on with his life there and I’m going to get on with mine here.’
‘But Lydia—’
‘I can’t do this,’ I say getting up and walking away. ‘I’m sorry.’
I walk down into my flat and grab my coat before walking out of my front door. I don’t know where I’m going but I’ve got to get away from here. I don’t pay any attention to where I am until the sea breeze hits me and nearly takes my breath away. It suits my mood perfectly.
I don’t often walk along the prom in the dark but it’s still relatively early and there are plenty of dog walkers and runners about.
I keep thinking over what Hazel was saying. Has he really always been in love with me?
I still keep seeing him standing there at the sten do – so hurt and angry – and I don’t know if we’d ever get past that.
‘Hey Lydia, are you OK?’
I look up to see Ross dressed in his running gear jogging on the spot in front of me. I didn’t even notice him appear.
‘I’ve been better,’ I say honestly, and I start to cry.
‘Hey, let’s go for a drink,’ he says. ‘The Jolly Sailor’s just over there.’
It makes me cry harder as he’s being nice to me, even after we had that argument last week.
‘So, I take it that there’s trouble in paradise,’ he says.
I go to turn back towards the seafront, ‘Perhaps this wasn’t a good idea after all.’
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘I’m sorry. I promise I won’t be such a dick. I’m sorry about the other night, for shouting at you. I was out of line. Look, what’s happened?’
I take a deep breath and as we walk to the pub I tell him about Danny at the sten do and what Hazel’s just told me.
By the time I’m finished, we’ve ordered drinks and are sitting in the window looking out over the common.
‘I guess you probably think it’s for the best that we’ve broken up. I know that you were never a fan.’
‘That’s not fair. It just hurt seeing you with Danny, but I think you’re an idiot to have let him go.’
‘You do?’
‘I do,’ he says sipping his drink. ‘You’ve always been in love with him and I think I always knew that. Every time I saw you open one of those presents you used to get this look in your eye. I hated it. Whenever I bought you a present for your birthday or Christmas, I looked for the same look and it was never there.
‘I wanted to marry you. Did you know that? I toyed with the idea of buying a ring not long after we moved in together, but something always stopped me. It’s like what you said when we broke up: there was something missing between us and I couldn’t work out what it was. We get on so well together. We have the same friends. We have a laugh. But that wasn’t enough. And then when I saw you with Danny at the Dockyard I saw what was missing. You had this chemistry and I couldn’t help but see it.
‘That’s why I was so pissed off at the pub the other week. I was jealous. I wanted us to have had that. Why couldn’t we?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say a little sadly. ‘You know you used to drive me crazy when we were together as you never told me how you were feeling. Now look at you.’
‘I know. It wouldn’t have helped, though, would it?’ he says shaking his head. ‘I know that now.’
‘You know you probably didn’t look at me in the same way either,’ I say. ‘You know you stare at Jules when she’s talking? And I don’t think it’s because she’s talking so fast that you can’t process it.’
He laughs. ‘You get used to the way she talks. I just sort of zone out after the first question and tune in for the last.’
I smile back.
‘But you’re right, there is something there.’
‘Do you think she’s the one?’
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
‘I don’t know. I don’t think we’ve been together long enough to know. Don’t forget I haven’t known her all my life. But, I think she has the potential to be though.’
I feel a burst of love for Ross, not in the way I used to, or the way I feel about Danny, but as a friend. I’m glad that he’s found someone. He deserves to be happy.
‘How do you know when someone’s the one?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know,’ I say, shrugging sadly.
‘Yes, you do. You knew Danny was the one. How? Lucy told me you tried to elope, so when you were standing there in Gretna Green, how did you know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?’
I close my eyes and imagine myself back on that day. I can feel Danny’s hand clutching mine as if he never ever wanted to let me go. I picture his face when I walked out of the service station loos in my dress. I think of the feeling in my tummy when he kissed me when we stood outside the room we booked to get married in.
‘I just knew,’ I say a little dreamily as I open my eyes.
‘Then there you go,’ says Ross. ‘So, what are you doing here talking to me when you could be talking to him?’
‘He doesn’t want me, not anymore.’
‘Come on, Lydia. If he’s been in love with you since you were teenagers he’s not just going to have fallen out of love with you because of a misunderstanding.
’
‘But he can’t trust me.’
‘Then convince him he can. For fuck’s sake, Lydia, we both spent years of our lives desperately trying to find a smidgen of the love that you two have got. Don’t waste any more time without him.’
‘When did you become such a relationship expert?’
He shrugs. ‘I think Jules and her happy-ever-after rom-coms are rubbing off on me.’
‘Good job too,’ I say, pushing my wine away. If I’m going to be driving up to the Lakes, I don’t want to be over the limit.
‘So, are you going to go and sort out your mess?’
‘I am. Thanks, Ross,’ I say, leaning over and giving him a big hug.
‘Go get ’em Tiger,’ he says and I give him a look. That’s the most unRoss thing I’ve ever heard him say. ‘It’s those bloody rom-coms.’
I laugh and wave goodbye.
I practically run all the way back to my house. I weave round a taxi parked in the middle of the road as I search for my keys. I’m in such a rush as I mentally run through a list of all the things I’ve got to pack to take with me that I don’t notice at first the person standing on my doorstep.
‘Oh, Lydia, thank God,’ says Lucy. ‘I just needed to check you were OK.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘I’ve realised that I’ve been an idiot with Danny and I’m going to tell him I love him.’
‘Oh good for you,’ she says, beaming. ‘I’m so glad you finally came to your senses.’
There’s a beep of a horn and Lucy looks over my shoulder.
‘Is that taxi for you?’ I ask, not understanding what’s going on.
‘Uh-huh, I couldn’t leave without telling you. Ed and I are eloping. You were right about what you said about thinking about what was important and you and Danny and the whole Gretna thing seemed like the right way to go. So we’re flying to Vegas on the late flight tonight,’ she says squealing.
‘Oh my God, that’s amazing.’
‘I know; we’re going to have a tacky wedding, just the two of us. Obviously, I wish you were coming too.’
‘I think it’s the best idea. Oh my God, Lucy,’ I say wrapping her up in a hug. ‘Although don’t think it’ll mean us missing out on a hen do.’
