Not just any man, of course.
It would have to be Alex.
And that made it a strictly ‘no-go’ area. Not worth even thinking about. Certainly not worth having any kind of fantasy of them standing together at the christening of their own baby the way they would watch Steve and Courtney doing.
Alex was looking vaguely disappointed but Sam was absolutely sure it was the thought of no more sex that was providing the disappointment. He’d be looking vastly relieved if he had any inkling of the bizarre thoughts Sam couldn’t help having about their relationship.
‘Let me know, huh? If it worked, that is.’
‘Of course. You’ll be the first.’
‘How long will it take?’
‘I’m not sure. Tests are pretty accurate early on these days. Maybe two or three weeks?’ Sam looked up from the kit she was restocking. ‘I’ve been meaning to ask, how secret do you want to keep everything?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well, I can’t keep being pregnant a secret for long and people are going to ask who the father is. Do you want me to pretend it’s someone else?’
‘No. Why should I?’
Sam shrugged. ‘Dunno. Might cramp your style with women, I guess, if they know you’ve got a kid.’
Alex just snorted. ‘See you tomorrow, Sam.’
The following day shift was much quieter.
Too quiet. There was too much time to sit around pretending to be busy but thinking about things that had nothing to do with work. They were both obviously thinking about the same things, because every so often—far too often—their lines of vision would connect and then bounce off each other, as though neither wanted the other to guess what they were thinking about. It added to a growing tension between them.
The tension had been there before. After Alex had made the offer to father Sam’s child. An awareness of each other that had built into a level of desire that should have been well satisfied with that encounter in the bathroom. But it hadn’t been. It was more like a match had been set to a pile of tinder-dry fuel and the heat was still building.
Knowing how good it had been only made it worse. Sam wanted more. She suspected Alex also wanted more but that was far too dangerous a place to go to. The rules had to be adhered to or chaos could well ensue, and it would be she who would pay the price for that chaos. She was torn between desperately hoping she had conceived and desperately hoping she hadn’t so that she had a reason to invite Alex back to her bed…and her personal life.
It was doing her head in.
He couldn’t stand it any longer.
Alex counted the days off on his fingers. Assuming that Sam had been due to ovulate the day of the cancelled appointment at the fertility clinic, he could then add the four days of their ‘affair’. Then four days—excruciating days—of her company at work when they had both been studiously keeping their distance from each other so as not to ‘complicate’ their working relationship.
Well, it was already too complicated as far as Alex was concerned. He couldn’t think straight. Even now, he was distracted into a craving for Sam that was undermining his focus.
He pulled himself back. He’d counted eight days so far, hadn’t he? Add another four days off and he was up to twelve. Days off in which frequent, punishing workouts at the gym and every night spent at the pub with his mates still hadn’t eased any of the tension. That made twelve days. They’d been back on shift for two days now. Fourteen days.
The average woman’s cycle was twenty-six to thirty days, wasn’t it? That meant that Sam should know by now. Or possibly be suspicious at least if she was a day or two later than normal. Why hadn’t he asked how regular she usually was?
Alex stared at the package he’d picked up at the all-night pharmacy on his way home. Accurate from the first day, it said. Find out whether you’re pregnant even on the day that your period was due to start.
Alex took it to the counter. He paid what he thought was an exorbitant amount of money without even blinking. He took the package to Sam’s apartment and rapped smartly on the door.
‘What on earth do you want, Alex? It’s nearly 11:00 p.m.’
‘This is for you.’ Alex handed over the package. ‘What is it?’
‘A pregnancy test kit. Or do you already have one?’
‘I…No, I was going to wait a few days.’
‘Do it now.’ Alex tried to soften the command with a winning smile. ‘Please, Sam?’ He turned on what he hoped was an irresistibly persuasive expression. ‘I really want to know. This waiting is really doing my head in.’
Sam stood in the tiny bathroom of her apartment.
She could hear Alex pacing back and forth on the other side of the door.
She stared at the little windows in the plastic tubing of the test kit. She checked the directions on the box and then stared at the windows again.
No. There was no doubt about it at all.
She was pregnant.
The impatient rap on the door so close beside her made Sam jump.
‘You finished in there yet, Sam?’
‘Not quite.’
‘What’s taking so long?’
‘I’ll be out in a minute.’
Sam shut her eyes, trying to think straight. Being pregnant was good. It was what she’d wanted. Alex would also be happy to know that his performance had been more than adequate.
And that was the problem, wasn’t it? If Sam told him the good news, that would be it. No more repeat more-than-adequate performances would be required.
There was another knock on the door and an anguished wail.
‘Sa-a-m!’
‘OK, OK.’ Sam stuffed the plastic tube back into its box and crumpled it. She dropped it into the small wastepaper basket beside the vanity unit. She splashed a little cold water on her face, dried it, practised her expression in the mirror for just a second and then opened the door.
‘Well?’Alex demanded.
Sam opened her mouth to tell him.
And then closed it again.
Alex was searching her face intently with a hopeful expression. Then the lines folded into sympathy.
‘Not this time, huh?’ He pulled Sam into a hug before she had time to say anything. ‘Never mind.’
His voice was a comforting rumble against her cheek. ‘We’ll make it work next time, babe.’
Next time.
The opportunity to have a reason to go to bed with Alex again in less than a couple of weeks was so enticing Sam let it roll around her head for a second or two.
It was possible that the test had returned a false positive, wasn’t it?
She could leave it for just a day or two and then check again. Or, better still, go to her GP and have a definitive blood test taken.
‘Sam?’
‘Mmm?’
Alex pulled away so that he could see her face. His voice had a smile in it but his eyes were very serious. ‘Do you think we might need a bit more practice? To get it right?’
‘Um…’ She had to tell him. Right now.
Sam opened her mouth to do just that but it was too late. Alex’s lips cut off the escape route for any words she was intending to utter, and at the first touch Sam was lost.
Just once more, she promised herself.
And then she would tell him the truth.
CHAPTER NINE
ALEX HAD NEVER FELT this good.
He shut his eyes, letting the hot water of the shower play on his face and rinse the shampoo from his hair.
Sam’s shampoo. Her shower.
She was still asleep. In a few minutes Alex would have to wake her and let her know it was time to get ready for work, but he wanted to give her as much time as possible to rest. Heaven knew, she had to be tired after the length of time he’d kept her awake last night.
Not that she’d been complaining, mind you. Alex turned off the shower and buried a satisfied smile in the soft bath towel. He’d thought that it might be just wishful thinking th
at having sex with Sam again would be as good as the first time. That the desire that had been building again over the last ten days or so had somehow enhanced his memory to a level that would make reality disappointing.
He couldn’t have been more wrong. It hadn’t been as good. It had been better, thanks to being more comfortable with each other and more familiar with what really turned the other on. It had been mind-blowingly, soul-satisfyingly amazing, that’s what.
Alex finished drying himself, wrapped the towel around his waist and borrowed Sam’s disposable razor to shave his face. He found himself humming cheerfully as he scraped the unfortunately blunt razor down his cheeks.
He’d stayed the night. The whole night. Sam had slept in his arms, and for the first time ever Alex had considered it a privilege rather than some kind of duty.
And he wanted to do it again.
In fact, he couldn’t imagine not wanting to do it. Ever. Why had the thought of a permanent relationship always scared the hell out of him?
Because it hadn’t been with Sam?
Maybe it was just safe to toy with wanting something permanent because he knew that, with Sam, it would simply never be available. How many times had he heard her swear off having any men in her life long term? That living with her father and three brothers had put her off for life?
The razor was hopelessly blunt. Alex found a new one in the vanity cupboard and when he was finished he dropped the blunt razor into the wastepaper basket. On top of the crumpled box of the pregnancy test kit.
The negative pregnancy test kit.
Yes!
Maybe it would take months for Sam to get pregnant.
‘You little beauty,’ Alex murmured. It had been nothing short of inspirational on his part to go and buy that test kit. The desire to re-experience the buzz of knowing they’d have to try again—maybe many times—was strong enough to prompt Alex to fish the packet out of the basket. He wanted to see for himself.
To gloat for a moment or two.
The weight of someone sitting on the edge of her bed was enough to startle Sam into waking.
Alex.
The smile came from nowhere and surprised Sam with the way it sent such a sense of well-being through her entire body. She shouldn’t feel this pleased. Letting Alex stay the night had never been part of the plan. Having sex when there was no chance of it being useful for reproductive purposes was also way off any agenda. But it had felt so good.
So right.
Until Sam blinked the sleep from her eyes and focussed properly. And saw the expression on Alex’s face.
And saw what he was holding in his hand.
‘Want to tell me what this was all about, Sam?
‘Um…’ Sam wanted to pull the covers over her head and hide.
‘You lied to me.’
‘No.’ Sam knew she couldn’t pull off righteous indignation, but she could at least scrabble hard enough to find a position of dignity. ‘I didn’t actually say I wasn’t pregnant, Alex. You just made that assumption.’
‘You lied by omission, Sam. You can’t deny it.’
‘No.’ Sam sighed heavily. ‘I guess I’m busted.’
‘Why?’ The tone of the query was sombre but Sam couldn’t detect any real anger. Not yet, anyway. For the moment she could sense a curious calm. A kind of waiting.
She could also feel herself blushing. The truth was all too obvious, wasn’t it? The gleam in Alex’s eyes told her that it hadn’t taken him long to put two and two together. The subtle lifting of the corners of his mouth confirmed her suspicion. It also made her writhe inwardly. Alex knew how good he was. He knew she hadn’t been able to resist him.
‘You wanted this as much as I did.’
A statement, not a question. Sam didn’t need to respond. Instead, she could revel in the knowledge that Alex wasn’t angry. That he had wanted her enough for her less-than-honest moment to be insignificant. Welcome, even.
Alex didn’t even seem to want to make a big deal out of their physical need for each other. His smile was lazy.
‘Congratulations, by the way.’
‘What for?’
‘You’re going to be a mother.’
‘Oh…yeah. It’s great, isn’t it?’ Muscles that weren’t used that often were stretching to accommodate the width of Sam’s grin. ‘And you’re going to be a dad.’
‘Yeah.’ Alex’s chest seemed to puff out as he sighed with what sounded like satisfaction. Then there was a long moment of complete silence. ‘A “no-strings” dad,’ he added.
The reminder sounded almost uncertain. Was Alex worried that Sam might be expecting more?
‘I wouldn’t go back on my word, Alex. I won’t be asking you for anything you’re not happy to give.’
‘I’ve been thinking about that,’ Alex said thoughtfully.
Alarm bells rang. Sam pushed herself up on one elbow. ‘Oh?’
‘It’s just an idea,’ Alex continued casually, ‘but seeing as we, you know, quite enjoyed the…ah…conception process…’
‘Yes?’ Sam prompted cautiously.
‘Well, I was thinking that, along with having a “no-strings” kid, maybe we could try a “no-strings” kind of relationship.’
‘I don’t think—’
Alex cut her off by leaning closer and placing a single finger on her lips.
‘It’s no biggie,’ he said reassuringly, ‘but we enjoy each other’s company, don’t we?’
‘Mmm.’ Sam wanted to kiss that finger. To open her mouth and touch it with her tongue.
‘And I don’t know about you but I seem to have discovered the best sex I’ve ever had.’
‘Mmm.’ Sam’s response was fainter this time. She closed her eyes.
‘Why don’t we give it a trial run? We can stop any time either of us wants to. And nobody else needs to know anything about it. We’re both free agents, Sam, and we’re both going to be parents in the not-so-distant future. What’s wrong with us enjoying each other’s company in bed for a while longer?’ The finger moved over Sam’s lips, tracing their outline and sending little tingles spiralling into far-flung portions of her anatomy.
‘What do you say? Good idea?’
She opened her eyes. And smiled. More time with Alex. In and out of bed. Time together with no limits but an escape clause if she felt she was getting in too deep for comfort with a man she knew there could be no future with.
It was risky, given how much she loved being with him, but what was the alternative? Calling it quits right now?
‘Maybe,’ Sam said cautiously. Then she sighed. Calling it quits now really wasn’t an option, was it? ‘We’ll have to see how well it works.’
It worked brilliantly.
For a whole month it was heaven. The bond between Sam and Alex was that much stronger. Only they knew what was happening outside working hours and that knowledge was deepened a thousand times a day with every secret look, every accidental—and sometimes not-so-accidental—touch and with the double meaning even innocent verbal exchanges could convey.
‘Time to go home, Sam.’
‘Sure is. It’s been a long day.’
‘Got anything planned for tonight?’
‘Not really. I’m a bit tired. Might catch an early night.’
‘Yeah…me, too.’
The frequency with which the ‘early nights’ started happening increased gradually enough not to bother Sam unduly until she realised they had slept together for three nights in a row again.
‘Not tonight,’ she told Alex the next day. ‘I really am tired.’
‘You’re not overdoing things are you, Sam?’Alex took a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure no one was within earshot. There wasn’t, but he lowered his voice anyway. ‘You’re not feeling sick or anything, are you?’
‘Never felt better, Alex.’
It was true. Sam’s breasts felt slightly tender but that was the only physical sign of her pregnancy so far. No hint of morning sickness had appeared
and Sam’s energy levels had increased if anything. She was coping quite well with all the broken sleep.
‘It’s good practice,’ Alex joked on the next of those occasions when they both found themselves awake in the middle of the night and decided to make the most of it.
‘I’m already pregnant, Alex. We don’t need practice.’
‘I didn’t mean this.’ Alex’s hand traced a familiar route, down the side of Sam’s neck, over her breast, across her tummy and then lazily homed in on a favourite target. ‘I reckon we’re getting pretty good at this.’
‘Mmm.’ Sam was in full agreement.
‘I meant practice for getting up to the baby in the middle of the night. Being awake.’
Much to Sam’s frustration, the hand moved upwards again. It cupped her breast and a thumb made sure her nipple was wide awake.
‘You’re going to breastfeed, aren’t you, Sam?’
‘Of course.’
‘And you’re not thinking of doing anything silly, like having a home birth, are you?’
She wasn’t, but a mischievous streak prompted Sam to play the devil’s advocate.
‘Actually, I was. Unless I can find a birthing facility that will let me have it underwater—with a bit of whale song going in the background.’
The caressing hand vanished, leaving a cold patch of skin.
‘You have got to be joking.’
‘Do I?’ Something in Alex’s tone had taken the humour out of the exchange. ‘Why?’
‘Because it’s daft. Hippie stuff. I won’t—’Alex seemed to catch himself and then his hand covered that cool patch again. His stroke was tender. ‘I just want it to be safe,’ he said softly. ‘I’m getting kind of used to the idea of being a dad now. Besides, it would be a shame to put all that effort into getting pregnant and then have something go wrong, wouldn’t it?’
‘Nothing’s going to go wrong, Alex.’
The sigh that came from Sam’s lips was because Alex was distracting her so effectively, wasn’t it? She was powerless to resist the control he could exert over her physical responses to him. Any tentacles of control he might be trying to send into other areas of her life would not be a problem because she would not let them become a problem. It was too bad she hadn’t factored in that Alex as was determined, some might say pig-headed, as she was herself.
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