by Kiki Leach
"Mother--"
"I know that you've had this anger built up inside of you about people who look like this girl ever since you were a kid and learned what happened to me, but honey, she's not them. She's Mia, and her daughter is Avery. And when she looks at you, she doesn't see the men who bombed her father's church."
He opened his hands and grimaced. "Then who the fuck is she seein'?"
She got up from her chair and stepped closer to her son. As he looked into her soft, pale blue eyes, she placed a hand on his chest and smiled. "She sees a man who can love and protect her, maybe even for the rest of her life, River. She sees you, she sees the person inside and like Verna said, not that angry, son of a bitch you've all but forced yourself into becoming since the time you were a child. Granted, she sees that shit too, and she gets it; she gets you in ways I never could seem to understand and she accepts everything about you with no judgements and no fear. That alone deserves your love and should earn your respect."
River flared his nostrils and dropped his head. For only the second or third time in his entire goddamn life, he felt like shedding tears. But he clinched his jaw and swallowed hard to keep from showing any form of vulnerability.
Jolene moved her hand up to his face and he shut his eyes and knit his brows. "I don't want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life like I've been for so many years. I don't want you to let how you've always felt about certain people and the things that a few of them have done to me or you or anyone else in this world take you away from the one person that could actually make your life better, and make you feel whole again. If you love this woman, baby, with your entire heart like I can feel that you do, then you need to sit down and tell her about it. Let her know where the hell you are and where the hell things stand for the both of you. Because let me tell you something, Jacob Hawkins, we women can only take so much shit from a man we love before we start to realize that having nothing at all is one-thousand times better than taking so much of the only shit you were willing to give us." She dropped her hand from his face and stood back.
Just then, the front door swung open and Mia stepped inside with Trucker at her side. The moment she caught a glimpse of River in the kitchen, her entire face lit up. His eyes shot straight down to the floor and he felt that goddamn cage around his heart squeezing so goddamn tight, he thought it was bound to burst and shatter him completely from the inside out.
"Hi," she said, closing the door behind her as Trucker moved off to the side. She placed her purse on the couch and headed inside the kitchen. Jesus, did she look good. Short-shorts, tennis shoes and a white button down shirt that made her tits look more full and ripe than usual. Then again, he knew the bitch could've been walking around in a goddamn parka or paper sack and he would've been turned the fuck on. "Did you just get back?" she asked him.
He cleared his throat and moved away from the sink. "Yeah. Where've you been?"
"We went to drop off Avery off at Meghan's. It's Alisha's birthday this weekend and she wanted a slumber party."
River noticed the tense look on her face and could hear it on her voice as she spoke. He frowned. "You don't seem like you're all that happy about it."
"I'm happy," she said, her eyes nervously shifting around the room. "I am, it's just... the girls don't have homeschool on Monday or Tuesday because their teacher got married this weekend and won't be back in town until late Wednesday night."
He shrugged. "So?"
"So she wants to stay over there until then. I was used to a night here or there, but that's two extra days. Styx said that he would be willing to look after them until then since one of the other prospects is on Courtney duty, but--"
Trucker stepped up beside her and cut his eyes to River. "I told your girl that she ain't got shit to worry about with Avery, Riv. When Styx ain’t on it, I’ll be over there for her.”
River peeked over at his mother, then turned back to Mia and Trucker. "It was hard as shit leavin' Madi up in New York, and at that college with a bunch of motherfuckers I'll probably never fuckin' meet or ever even see," he said. "Hard as fuckin' shit knowin' she'd be dealin' with so much at such a young goddamn age, even if she is smart as a fuckin' whip and more mature than I ever was back then. And as much as I wanted to hang onto her, knowin' that that sick fuck Ricky is still out there, I knew I couldn't hold her back from her dreams and the shit she wanted 'cause it'd only cripple her in the long run. It's the same with you and your girl. You wanna keep her safe and protected, but at the end of the day, life happens. And you gotta let her live it no matter what, just like you gotta live yours. 'Least to the day we get a fuckin' nother one. Which at the moment, ain’t lookin’ too goddamn likely.”
Mia gradually bobbed her head and moved across the kitchen to stand in front of him. He backed against the sink again and felt himself going stiff within seconds. Goddamn, he missed that fucking face, missed that fucking body, missed that goddamn vanilla scent that emanated from her skin; a scent he learned the first time his nose skimmed across her neck was as natural as a goddamn sin. He needed to touch her, needed to taste her, needed to be wrapped all up inside her like she needed to be wrapped all up inside of him.
"Maybe you're right," she said. "No, you are, you're... you're right. I can't keep holding her close like that. She'd only resent me for it later."
"She may not resent you, doll, but if she grows up to be anything like my girl, she'll sure as fuck tell you about it and never fuckin' stop even after she's done."
Mia smiled up at him and fucking, shit. Those clouds parted for him once again and the sun was shining brighter than ever.
"Um..." River glimpsed at his mother again, who widened her eyes at him and arched her brows. "You mind if we talk about some shit in private?" he asked Mia.
Slightly confused, but willing, she nodded. "Sure," she replied.
He told Trucker to stick around before guiding her back into his bedroom and closing the door.
Mia moved over to the bed and folded her hands in front of her. "What's this about?"
River looked behind himself and bent his head before turning on his heel. "My mother told me what the fuck happened to your old man's church," he said. "Said the shit that happened is the reason you moved to Tampa."
"Yeah--?"
"Why didn't you tell me that shit when I first asked about it?"
"Because it didn't seem all that relevant at the time."
"But it's relevant now?" he said.
"It was in the conversation I had with her a few weeks ago." She stepped closer to him and squint. "What is this about?"
He shuffled across the room and stood near his dirty clothes hamper. Any thought he had ever had of bringing Mia into his bedroom never started or ended quite like this.
"I've been strugglin' with alota shit lately," he explained to her. "Shit I'm not used to feelin' within myself; shit I don't even really like feelin' ‘cause I’m not exactly sure what the fuck it even is. And with you comin' back around and essentially fuckin' things up for me even further--"
"What?" she snapped, her voice cracking as the anger that had been filling her up since the night they spent at the club finally began spilling over. "Don't you dare be pissed at me for something that you chose to do, or for even bringing me here," she said. "I asked for your help, River, but you could've easily said no."
"No, I couldn't, babe, which is the goddamn point I'm tryin' to make and the goddamn reason behind all this shit."
"Reason behind all of what exactly?! I mean, you're standing here and telling me that you can't say no to me and yet, that's exactly what you've been saying to me for about two months now."
"I don't have time to deal with this shit." He headed straight for the door but Mia jumped in front of it before he could even reach for the knob. He stumbled back and made a face at her. "Mia, what the fuck--?"
"You've got all the time in the world for me," she said. "Stop pretending as if you have somewhere more important to be."
H
e inhaled and blew the air out so hard that it rattled the strands of her hair as it rested across her shoulders. "I need you to get the fuck outta my goddamn way," he growled.
"No." She fell back against the door and tightened her hand around the doorknob. "I'm not letting you leave until we settle this."
“I will fuckin’ move you--”
“Try me.”
"Mia--" he grumbled.
"Did you even miss me while you were gone?" she said. He swallowed hard and clinched his jaw so goddamn tight it could’ve broken in two. Her eyes went soft as she stared up at him and her entire body relaxed against the door. "Because I missed you, River."
Jesus, he wanted to take this bitch. With such goddamn, fucking ease he could’ve wrapped a hand around her face, pulled her close to him and slipped his tongue inside her mouth. But…
"It was ten goddamn days," he said.
"It may as well have been an entire damn lifetime as far as I'm concerned, considering where things left off between us.”
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" he asked her through clinched teeth.
Mia inhaled and stared up into his eyes. She wanted him to say so many goddamn things to her, and she wanted every word to end with how fucking much she mattered to him. But when she saw the anger and fear mixed with sadness in his eyes, she knew she wouldn’t get even an ounce of what she wanted from him that night. And she wondered if it would always be like this; if it was, she knew she didn't have a single chance in hell and maybe never would.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked her again.
She shook her head and sniffed. "Nothing," she answered. "Exactly what you've been saying for a very long time now, absolutely nothing at all." She turned from him and within a flash had hurried back down the hallway and into her bedroom, where she quickly closed and locked the door.
River, feeling both ashamed and stupid for not only talking to her as he had but making her feel like shit when he knew damn well she didn't deserve that shit any more than he deserved to say it, walked back until he hit the bed and dropped down to the edge. He felt he was losing his goddamn mind with every second that ticked by, and had no clue as to how the fuck to get it back and in place.
“Fuck,” he muttered.
Seconds later, Jolene came into his room, followed by Trucker.
"What the hell happened?" she asked her son.
"A whole fuckin' lotta nothin'," he replied.
"Shit, River." She rushed out of the room and headed down to Mia's.
Trucker peeked his head around the frame and stared down the hall until Mia let Jolene inside, then stepped into River's room and stared down at him.
River turned his eyes up and sneered. "What?" he asked.
"Prez called while you were in here," said Trucker. "Said he tried to get you on both of your cell's but the shit wasn't pickin' up."
"Shit." He reached inside the pockets of his jeans and yanked out each of his phones. "I forgot to turn 'em back on after I got off the plane." He tossed them back onto the bed and groaned. "What the fuck did that old man want?"
"He's having a thing tonight with the Dragons and other charters. They decided a few nights ago that once you got back, we'd have another pussy party at the club."
"What the fuck for?"
"Chino's jumped on the fence about this shit with the club snatching up Ricky, Riv. He and Tiny got into a damn near knock down drag out at Wolf's place when Nikko's name came up in conversation."
River dropped his head inside his hands. "Motherfuck. Goddamn, motherfuckin’ dumbass, piece of shit--”
"Chino says he's threatenin' to bail and take his boys back with him to Nevada unless we prove we wanna take Ricky down just as much as him."
"And a goddamn party full of random pussy's gonna convince him of that shit?"
Trucker lifted his shoulders. "It's the shit he said. I'm just relaying the message."
River dropped his hands to his lap and shook his head. "Fuck." He sighed. "Alright, when the fuck is this shit supposed to be goin' down tonight?"
"In about an hour according to Wolf. But he's saying that he wants you there with him before the Dragons show up, along with a few of the other members. Blue's headed over there now."
"Alright. Shit." He grabbed both of his phones and jumped up from the bed. "Look, my mother has got a goddamn date with that pussy from the bank, but Mia's stayin' put tonight. You're the only motherfucker I trust with keepin' an eye out for her, and I think she trusts you now too. I don't plan to be out there all fuckin' night, but--"
"Sure, Riv, I'll keep an eye out for your girl."
He bobbed his head and pat Trucker on the shoulder before passing him and heading out of the room, and straight down to Mia's. He waited a few seconds before knocking on the door, then waited even longer than that before she finally answered.
"What?" she snapped up at him after yanking the door back.
"There's some shit goin' down at the club tonight--"
"Another pussy party," she answered. He puckered his brows. "Your walls have never been very thick, River."
"Yeah, well, I don't plan to be out late for it. But Trucker's gonna be here with you 'til I get back all the same."
She nodded. "Great. Is that it?"
"Yeah, that's it. 'Cept--"
"Okay then." She slammed the door in his face and he pulled his head back to keep the wood from smacking him directly in the nose.
Two seconds later, his mother emerged from the room and eased the door shut behind her. She looked up at her son and shook her head. "It's bad enough to piss off a woman who's given up on you, but not such a great idea to piss one off who's still trying her damnedest to give you a chance."
"More shit not to start with me," he mumbled. "Not before I've gotta get the fuck outta here and head out to see Wolf and the rest, when those crazy fuckers already got my blood risin'." He spun away from her and stomped down the hall and back into the living room.
"Your blood wouldn't rise sky high and so often if you had somebody like that" -- she pointed behind her, toward Mia's bedroom -- "to calm you down every now and then--"
"This motherfucker from the bank," said River as he grabbed his jacket and swung it around his shoulders. "You love him?"
Jolene scrunched her face and rattled her head. "We've been dating for barely a month at this point--"
"I don't give a fuck, it's not what I asked." He slid his arms through the sleeves of his jacket and dumped his phones inside each pocket. "Do you love this son of a bitch?"
She glimpsed over at a highly uncomfortable Trucker, who kept his focus down on the floor, then returned to her son and said, "I think I could, yes. Then again, it's not hard for me to spot a good thing and know how the hell to hang onto it."
"Yeah."
River looked between the both of them before grabbing the keys to his bike and heading out the front door.
Chapter Thirty-Five
As soon as River pulled into the Shadow Riders parking lot, cut the engine and ripped off his helmet, he wasted absolutely no time after in storming inside the club and heading straight over to the bar. After grabbing a beer from behind the counter, he leaned back against it, cracked the lid and tossed it into the trash behind him. And as he closed his eyes and chugged the beer back, his mind immediately went back to Mia, and just how pissed she had been with him, and why, before he left.
"Son of a fuckin’ bitch." Thinking back on her words to him, as well as his to her, made him redder than a goddamn beet and hotter than the motherfucking face of the sun. "GODDAMNIT!" He turned with the bottle in his hand and without even thinking a single fucking bit about the consequences that lay ahead in doing so, he tossed it right into the glass situated into the shelves of the wall, and watched with careless destruction as it shattered to the base and floor. As the beer dripped from every corner of each broken shelf, the son of a bitch couldn’t believe just how fucking much he didn't give a shit about wasting the last drops of a damn
good brand. Or destroying half of a club in which he was continuing to help foot the bill.
"Jesus H. Christ."
He turned to see a wide eyed Blue coming from around the corner and backed away from the bar the minute Tiny and Wolf came out from the back behind him.
"Mother. Fuck, asshole," snapped Tiny. "Did you up and do this shit?" He shoved Blue aside and stepped closer to River.
River turned on his heel and glared at him. "No, asshole," he said. "Ghost of Motherfuckin' Christmas Past stopped by for an early visit this year and decided that she didn't like the goddamn scenery of the club. And started with tossin' a beer into the goddamn mirror over there." He pointed. "Shit looks just about like your face," he told him. "Cracked."
"Where the fuck have you been?" asked Wolf, who stepped up to River before Tiny could say another goddamn word to him. "You don't answer your goddamn phone anymore? Either one of 'em--?"
"They were turned off." He rolled his eyes over to Wolf and glowered. "I know it's been awhile since you and the old fuck standin’ next to you have been inside a goddamn airplane, but they don't really like you havin' that shit on right when you get on and just before you get off. I forgot to turn 'em back on when I got fuckin' home."
Wolf breathed in deep and tapped his hand against the bar; he glanced over at Tiny, who continued to glare at his nemesis and seethe. "How the fuck is Madi doin' up there?" he asked. "You get her shit all settled the fuck into that dorm room?"
"I got her settled the fuck in and I got people watchin' after her--"
"I'm surprised you even bothered to come back home, motherfucker," Tiny interjected. "Last few weeks, you seemed like you ain't even wanted to be around here, the brothers, the club, nothin’. We've all been seein' that shit--"
"We ain't all been seein' that shit, old man," snapped Blue. “It’s just you and your yellow eyes.”
Tiny shot his eyes to the corner and shook his head. "Your boyfriend back there’s been too goddamn busy on his knees with your dick in his mouth to tell you just what the fuck needs to be said,” he told River. “Guess he can’t mumble around that shit. But the truth is that you been so goddamn out of it lately, that the brothers aren't sure if we can keep relyin' on and trustin' your judgement anymore, especially now when it's come to this Ricky shit."
