by Kiki Leach
"Maybe that's the problem," I said. "Maybe being who I am is still just too much. Or in this case and this life here with you, maybe it's not even enough."
"Goddamnit, Mia! It's enough for me, shit's been enough for me for a long fuckin' time now! Since the goddamn beginnin' of it all!"
"But it's not enough for me," I said. "Not like I was hoping it would be, or like I thought it should be--"
He made a face and growled and grunted while reaching out his hands. He lurched forward to wrap them around my arms and forcefully moved me into the corner across the room. I wiggled in his arms, but as much as I hated it, I didn't exactly try to escape his strong grip either.
He bent his face down to mine and tightened his jaw. His heavy breathing had slowed, but it did nothing for the intensity on his face, or in his eyes as he clinched his teeth. "Do you know what the fuck kinda life I'd have without you in it?" His voice was low, dark and thick with anger. "The kinda goddamn life not worth livin! And if you think you can just walk the fuck outta here and away from me, away from this shit that we've built together over the last few goddamn months, then you've got another fuckin’ thing comin' for ya."
"Is that a threat?" I asked him.
Almost immediately, he released my arms and backed off. He moved across the room and shook his head at me. "No, doll," he said, his voice softening. "I'd never make a goddamn threat to you like that, ever. But I will make a fuckin' promise, and I can fuckin' promise you that I ain't lettin' you go no other place without me."
"It's not exactly your decision--"
"Every fuckin' decision you make is gonna be about me, doll. Just like every goddamn decision I've made since you've come back to me has been about you." He swallowed hard enough for me to see his Adam's apple bob up and down inside his throat, then he turned away from me and ran both of his hands through his hair a few times as if to calm himself.
I leaned away from the wall and he turned half way to watch me, arching his brow the second he saw my foot move. I stopped in place and turned my eyes back up to his.
"Never in my life would I say some shit to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable around me," he told me. "Never in my fuckin' life would I go the fuck outta my way to do a goddamn thing that would make you wanna fuckin' leave me, ever. But in this world, babe, in this life, all the shit that's happened is all I fuckin' know. It's how I grew up, how I was fuckin' raised by every goddamn member of that club. You gotta understand that shit--"
"I understand it," I told him. "I understand it completely. I just don't think that I can live in it with you anymore." He spun around to face me head on and even as his face reddened from anger, he was still beautiful. Still so deeply and handsomely beautiful. "River--"
"I told you before that you're my entire goddamn world, Mia Sullivan, and I sincerely meant that shit, babe. You brought me out into the goddamn sunlight when I was surrounded by nothin' but death and darkness and pain for too many goddamn years to count. If you think I'm just gonna give all that shit up, kick the goddamn sun outta my life all 'cause you're too fuckin' scared to stick it out when I know damn well that you can, then you're even fuckin' crazier than I ever thought you were to begin with--"
"I'm not crazy," I told him.
"Then what the fuck are ya, darlin'? 'Cause the shit you're sayin' to me right about now sure as fuck don't sound too sane."
"I'm scared," I answered. "I'm scared out of my damn mind."
"Doll--"
"Look at what the hell happened out there tonight, River. Look at what happened to Courtney. I have every freaking right to be scared about that. The woman used herself as a human shield to keep me from getting shot by the multitude of bullets that went flying around that room. She literally threw her life on the line to save mine and now she's dead because of it. Is this the kind of life that you wanted Madison to live? It couldn't have been, otherwise you would've done everything in your power to keep her here and with you. But you didn't. You let her go, you let her spread her wings and fly off and venture out to live her life and explore someplace else that's so far away from here that--"
"My daughter is one thing," he interjected. "You bein' my woman is an entirely different fuckin' thing altogether.”
"I know that."
"Do ya?" he questioned. "'Cause it sure as fuck don't sound too much like you do--"
"Don't do that--"
"Do what?"
"Talk to me like you're doing right now," I said. "Like I don't know that your feelings for me are subjected and intensified."
He waited a moment and moved closer to me. "Subjected and intensified." He bobbed his head. "Gee, darlin', at this point, that's a pretty goddamn fuckin' understatement if there ever was one before, dontcha think?" he mocked. I narrowed my eyes and he kept his eyes on me for a bit longer before dropping them down to the ground. "Sorry," he told me. "Shit. And not just for the shit I said but for every goddamn thing that went on out there tonight."
"River--"
"What happened at the club shouldn't have fuckin' happened at all. Sure as fuck shouldn't have happened to Courtney or any of my boys and even Laz and the Stark Bastards. But bein' played by Chino wasn't some shit I expected either. I shoulda fuckin' known, shoulda seen it fuckin' comin' miles before it did. The one time Tiny was worth listenin' to and I went out of my goddamn way to go against that shit 'cause of how the fuck I've always felt about him. But it was a mistake and I'm man enough to own up to that shit. But even if it didn't happen like that tonight, even if it wasn't Chino, there's always gonna be others--"
"Which is my point."
"Yeah," he told me. "Yeah, I see that, doll." He moved even closer and stared down at me. I looked up into his steel blue eyes and all I wanted was to drown in them again. Just drown into that beautiful lake and never find my way back to the surface again. "My point bein', is that I can't control that shit. I can't. As much as I might fuckin' want to, I can't control these outside crazy ass motherfuckers any more than you can control what the fuck happens to you after you get into your goddamn car and head off into the fuckin' world without me at your side. You can control where the fuck you go, and even how you fuckin' get there. But you sure as fuck can't control where the hell you might in fact end up instead when other shit gets in the way of your original goddamn destination."
"I--"
He pressed his hand to my mouth to stop me. "This life, and what the fuck it's all about... shit's unpredictable as hell, darlin'. You showin' up in front of my goddamn gate, that shit wasn't planned. But you comin' back to me was. You choosin' to stay here in spite of all this shit should be."
I shook my head and smiled up at him despite every effort on my end to keep it from happening. "If I had a single ounce of good judgement left inside of me, I wouldn't."
"You've got the best goddamn judgment of any motherfucker I know, which is why you haven't fuckin' left yet despite thinkin' that you should." He wrapped his hands around my waist and jerked me to him. "And it's why you fuckin' won't." His towel slipped from around his waist and fell to the floor, and instead of reaching down to grab it, he used a knee to force my legs apart and shoved himself between them. My breath caught the minute his cock stroked against me. "You are my goddamn fuckin' queen, and you deserve to be treated as such, always. Ain't another motherfucker on earth can treat you like that, darlin'. Not in the same fuckin' way I can and will and you know that shit to be true." He stopped to swallow and dropped his eyes down to my mouth, watching with that all too familiar hunger as I swiped my tongue back and forth across each one; something he realized I did when the only thing on my mind seemed to be him. "I can't promise you alota shit," he told me. "I can't even promise to fuckin' keep you safe like I want to anymore, not after tonight. But I can promise that I will do every goddamn thing in my power to try, for both you and Avery." He lowered his face to mine and I closed my eyes, breathing him in like the richest scent of perfume known to mankind. Delicious. "I can't do shit for you if you don't stay wit
h me, babe."
"You could do anything you wanted for me without me being here," I told him, opening my eyes. "You just don't want to."
He shook his head and grinned. "No darlin', I sure in the fuck don't. I am unbelievably selfish and greedy as fuck when it comes to wantin' and needin' you around me, and that's some shit I'll never fuckin' apologize for." He dropped both hands around my bare thighs and settled himself right between them. Then he gently lifted me from the floor and slid his cock back and forth against my clit, and... God. "Stay with me, baby," he growled in a whisper. "Fuckin' stay." He brushed his mouth against mine, then moved his face to the side of my neck and sucked on my skin so hard that I could feel it bruise. "Fuckin' stay."
Even as my legs quivered against him and my feet dangled in the air, even as an unwilling moan escaped from between my lips and caressed his face, even as my sex ached for both his cock and the feel of his tongue against it again, every other bone in my body suddenly told me to go, to run, to leap, to fly right out that door and never look back. But my heart. My God, my heart continued to overrule any and every rational part of my brain when it came to this man, and I knew I couldn't leave him even if I should've, even if the rational part of me wanted to go for the sake of what I knew could happen if I didn't.
"Baby," he breathed. He opened his mouth even wider than before and licked that clean feeling from my skin, dirtying me right back up in only the way that he could, in only the way that he knew I craved. When he finally sank his teeth into me, it should've felt painful enough to force me into pushing him away, but it didn't, and I couldn't. Because the God's honest truth is that I wanted that pain, needed it just as badly as he did just to feel it, just to feel him and know that what was happening between us was real. As terrible as it was, as messy and inconvenient, it was too consuming and all too real. So much so that I could barely breathe, but it was worth it; powerful, and My God, was it beautiful as hell. "Fuckin' stay."
"I--"
"Babe." He groaned and in an instant, I found my hands crawling up his back and sinking right into his flesh. "Fuck."
I put every ounce of love I had for this man into every ounce of this moment between us and I knew it was wrong. God, I knew it was so completely wrong of me, but he made me feel wanted and needed and desired and cherished and cared for and respected and above all, loved. And even if he didn't think he could anymore, he still made me feel absolutely safe. Even against my better judgement, if I ever even knew what it was anymore, even against everything I ever knew was right in my life before him and all things that could've been right after or without him, this man still made me feel alive. To him, I was special. I was all things I shouldn't have been but every damn thing I ever wanted to be since I was seventeen years old; only with him could I ever be all of those things and more, and I couldn't give up that feeling or what it meant for me to finally have it; there was no way in any possible hell that I could.
And almost as if he knew exactly what I was thinking, and exactly how I was feeling as he pulled away from my neck and stared at me, a smile split his lips and he moved his hands up around to my behind again and grinded even slower, even harder, forcing another moan to escape that I tried, yet failed to keep hidden this time. "Fuckin' stay with me, babe."
I nodded and brought my arms up around his shoulders and brushed my fingers across his nape.
"Open your mouth and say it, baby," he whispered. "Say you wanna fuckin' stay here with me. For goddamn ever if you can. Say it." He moved his hand up to my jaw and gently tugged on my chin. "Fuckin' say it, baby, let me hear the words comin' from you."
I swallowed hard and nodded again. "I'll stay," I said. "I'm yours. And I may regret it, I may even hate you forever for it, but what my heart wants, my mind can't control. If it could, I never would've shown back up here after eight years asking for you to save me in the first place."
He brushed the tip of his nose against mine and gulped. "Fuckin' yeah." He dropped his hands back down to my thighs and just before thrusting his tongue inside my mouth to taste me, he bent forward and smiled again, forcing that block of ice that was starting to build up around my heart to melt completely as the heat from his body coursed throughout mine. "Fuckin' yeah, baby."
And then he kissed me hard and deep and slow, then quick and without reservation or apology for how it felt or how much I could hardly breathe as he did. I was his and he was going to show me just how much by taking me as such, making every damn part of me that was completely broken, whole again.
"This is where you fuckin' belong, babe," he said, pulling back from me. I leaned away to catch my breath and he bent down to suckle my lip. I stared up into those steel-blues again as he glided his tongue back and forth, and released all the air in my lungs; released them in a relief that was much different than before; one that made me feel free instead of caged or locked in so damn tight; one that felt like more of a release, like the one his heart had when he finally told me how he felt. And not just told me, but showed me in every possible way that he knew how. "It's where you'll always fuckin' belong," he went on. "Right here, in this bed and with no other motherfucker on this goddamn earth or in it but me."
"Promise?" I asked him.
"Fuckin' promise you, doll. With every goddamn thing I've got, I fuckin' promise you."
As I slinked my arms around his neck, he lifted me from the floor and took me back over to the bed. With such ease, he removed my skirt and shirt, followed up by my bra, then forced me down to the bed on my back and slid himself right back between my legs.
And then he stopped almost suddenly and stared me in the face; and with a set of eyes so serious that it almost startled me to stare into them, he said, "Marry me."
I released a nervous chuckle upon hearing it and adjusted the lower half of my body against him. "What?" I asked him. His eyes went from hard to soft at the tone of my voice, and started glowing like two small orbs filling the night's blackest sky. "Are you serious?"
"Shit yeah, darlin'. I think I am." He closed his eyes and rattled his head; he pinched his brows and muttered, "Fuck."
"What?"
"I didn't want it to be like this. Me askin' you that question and barely bein' inside you as I did."
I tightened my arms around his neck and locked my legs around his waist. "Then fix that problem and ask me again."
"Jesus, baby. And you thought I'd give this shit up?" He brought his hand down to his cock and gradually slid himself inside of me. And once he was settled, once he found his place, his home and connection back to us, he relaxed his entire body, slowly rocked in and out of me and said, "Marry me, Mia. Fuckin' marry me, babe, I... No way in fuck I can see another day without you bein' my goddamn wife, wearin' my goddamn ring and patch and bein' the mother of my kids. Kids that look just like you, doll, with only just a touch of me."
“Really?”
“Yeah, babe. No other woman in this entire fuckin’ world that I wanna see swelled up with my kid inside her but you.”
God, he was so barbaric. So crass and unbelievably unconventional. But at the same damn time he was so unbelievably beautiful, so romantically erotic and stimulating that I couldn’t but say anything except for…
"Okay." The tears welled and I bobbed my head while keeping my eyes locked on his. "Yeah -- Yes, I'll marry you. Anytime, anywhere, anyplace. Whenever, however, Jacob Hawkins, I’m willing to be your wife.”
He grinned. "Yeah." And then he lowered his head to the center of my neck and breathed out warm, slick air on my skin. "Fuckin' yeah," he murmured. And then he showed me just what it meant for him to have me stay.
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
Hours later, I found myself staring up at the ceiling in pure bliss with him laying right beside me, his eyes focused on my face with his hand sliding up and down the front of my slick and sweaty body. When I turned to look at him, he moved his hand up to my jaw and brushed his thumb across my mouth while licking his own lips.
"Don't you ever try some s
hit like that again, babe," he muttered in a dark tone.
"Shit like what?"
"Tryn' to fuckin' leave me. Once I put that goddamn ring on your finger, Mia, that shit's it doll, it's the fuckin' end."
"It's the beginning of everything with you, River. The beginning of us, and always and forever and everything else in between." I threw my arm around his neck and shoved my body against his. "I want you inside of me again."
He laughed a deep and hearty laugh that forced me to giggle. "Shit, baby, again?"
I nodded. "I didn't mention it before, but your mother won't be home until the morning." I peeked behind him at the clock. "At least for another few hours at best, when the sun finally comes up. After we left Blue's place, she insisted on being taken to her boyfriend's house." I smiled as he frowned. "River, I just want to have as much of you as I can again before she gets back. Every inch of you in every part of me."
He shook his head and grinned so wide that it lit him up from the inside out like a Christmas tree. "You're startin' to sound like me, doll."
"It's what you've done to me. What you keep doing to me..." I brushed my hand across his face, then moved it back into his hair. "What I don't ever want you to stop doing to me." He flared his nostrils and sucked in air, his breathing increased and he grunted as he threw his arm around my waist and flipped me over on my stomach.
"Every inch of me in every part of you, doll?" he asked me.
I nodded. "Yes."
"Shit." He moved in behind me and wrapped his hands around my hips, then yanked me up from the bed and bent over my back. As I moaned, he shoved his face down into my hair and said, "Then bend the fuck over for me, babe."
It was sexy. It was demanding. Everything from the sound of his voice to the words that he used were exactly what I wanted to hear from him and more.
