by VK Powell
She’d searched for a delicate way to tell her mother she was a lesbian but hadn’t found one. A woman of Bina’s age and culture wasn’t familiar with the rapidly changing world or the way it was shaped by demands for greater personal freedom and equity broadcast over social media. But she wanted to have an honest life with no secrets. “Bina, I have something to tell you…about myself.”
“You are joining the circus? I have suspected it all along.”
“No.” Sometimes Bina’s sense of humor surprised her.
“You will stop working all the time, trying to cure me? I would much rather spend the time with you. I am so proud of you, my daughter. Your father was proud as well, and you have nothing else to prove.”
Neela’s heart ached. She had no idea her research priority was so obvious to her mother and that their time apart affected her so deeply. And she hadn’t realized until this moment how desperately she’d tried to prove herself worthy of her parents’ struggles and sacrifices. She’d wanted them to be proud of her, and hearing her mother’s confirmation brought tears to her eyes. “I’ll never stop trying to help you or others, but I will spend more time with you.”
“So, what must you tell me? Do you steal, lie, or hurt people?”
“No, but I love differently than most women.” She met her mother’s gaze because she wanted Bina to know she wasn’t ashamed of her life.
“I know, Beta. You love more deeply than anyone, and for that I am proud. Your heart is big and open.”
“Thank you, Mama, but that’s not what I meant.” She took Bina’s misshapen hands in hers. “Bina, I’m a lesbian. I love other women the way most women love men.”
Bina’s stare didn’t waver. “Is that all? I have known this for years. I love you still.”
Neela released a sigh. Two short sentences had abridged the complicated conversation she’d imagined. Though she’d believed Bina would understand, she needed her reassurance and acceptance. And as usual, her mother came through.
“Why does this worry you now, my darling daughter?”
She never wanted to say or do anything to color Bina’s opinion of the world, but she had to know the truth. “Some people probably think you shouldn’t live with me because of my way of life. Some may try to use my lifestyle against me. But you need to know that I’m not ashamed of who I am.”
Bina nodded slowly. “I did not raise you to be ashamed of your life. Do not worry. These people have more to fear from their own hearts. I will stand by you always, my child.” She took Neela’s face between her hands. “And as long as you will have me, I will be here with you…and maybe someone worthy of your love.”
Neela smiled as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I love you so much, Mama. I will always want you with me.” She wiped her eyes and sipped the cold coffee that tasted like the best drink ever.
“So, again, what are you doing today, Beta?” Bina waggled her index finger. “Idle hands are the devil’s playgrounds.”
“Liz is putting the final touches on our new lab and doesn’t want me to see it yet. We’ll start work soon. So, I guess I’m moping the rest of the day.”
“Find Jordan and talk to her. She is the reason for this chat, no?”
“How could you possibly know that?” Her only regret was that Jordan hadn’t been part of the conversation with her mother. She had a feeling Bina’s acceptance of Neela’s sexuality and of Jordan would mean a great deal to her. If only she’d known what to say to Jordan two days ago to make her comfortable enough to stay, Jordan might be at her side now.
“Fix things with Jordan, Beta, and live your best life.”
“I can’t make her talk to me.”
“Just let her know you are there if she wants to.”
Neela picked up her cell phone from the counter and started to dial Jordan’s number again, but it rang. “Hello?”
“Neela, it’s Bex. Have you heard from Jordan?” Bex’s voice sounded strained. If this seasoned cop was concerned, Neela should be panicked.
“Not since she left day before yesterday. You mean you haven’t heard from her either?” The line was silent. “Have you tried her friends and relatives?” No answer. “Is her bike gone? For God’s sake, Bex, say something.”
“She’s not answering the phone and her bike isn’t at the apartment. I’ve even been inside. She’s not there. I can’t imagine, unless—”
Bex’s tone was like a splash of cold water, and Neela grew even more afraid. “Tell me.”
“Oh, shit. I’ve got to go.”
“Don’t hang up.”
“I’ll call as soon as I have news,” Bex said. “It’s just a wild hunch.”
“Bex. Come and get me. It’s all we’ve got right now, and I’m desperate.” The only other times she’d felt so scared were when she thought Bina was in trouble and the night Jordan was shot. She couldn’t imagine waiting at home for news when she could possibly be closer to Jordan.
“I really shouldn’t let you—”
“Don’t even try to stop me. What if she’s hurt? I’ll be waiting outside.”
“Be there in five minutes.”
Neela told Bina what she knew, put a meal in the slow cooker for later, and hobbled to the street just as Bex pulled up. “What did you remember?”
Bex shook her head as if arguing with herself. “She’ll kill me if I take you to this place and she’s actually there.”
“And I’ll kill you if you don’t. What’s the big secret?”
“New Beginning.”
“New beginning of what?” Neela turned in her seat and stared at Bex as she drove, eyes straight ahead. “You don’t mean the old orphanage?”
“You know it?”
“It was the most notorious child-care facility in the history of the state, if you can truly call it a child-care facility. That case has become the benchmark throughout the country of what not to do. We require all our social workers to…” The more she talked, the more Bex paled. When it finally registered what she wasn’t saying, Neela’s chest tightened. “Oh, no. Please tell me Jordan wasn’t in that horrifying place.”
Bex nodded.
Neela was too stunned to speak. She stared, not really seeing the trees whiz by on the shoulder of the road as they sped west on the interstate. She replayed her conversations with Jordan and realized she’d never mentioned a family. When Bina had asked about relatives, she’d seemed embarrassed and evaded the question. In their conversation about Amy, Jordan had never said where or how they met. But when she’d mentioned Brownworth, Neela should’ve remembered the horrible story of years ago. Why hadn’t she seen it? The signs were so clear: lack of trust, feelings of inadequacy, anger, and problems with relationships, sexual dysfunction, and her discomfort with touching or being touched. It was scary how many things Jordan had going against her.
“Do you have any idea what they did to the children in that place, Bex?”
“I read the reports when she told me she’d been there. How could a place like that operate for so long?”
“You know the answer—greed, corruption, and a powerful and extensive pedophile ring. How long was she there?” Neela didn’t really want to hear the answer, but she had to know.
“She was dropped off when she was only a few days old and wasn’t able to get out until she was eighteen.”
Neela sobbed, unable to stop the tremors in her body. She ached for Jordan, suddenly understanding and sharing her intense anger. “What have they done to you, my darling?”
Bex rubbed Neela’s arm. “I’m sorry you heard this from me, but she’ll need both of us if she’s gone back to this place. Did something happen between you to set her off?”
Neela tried to control her crying, but her heart was breaking for Jordan and all the signs she’d missed. “We…connected, and not just sexually, for the first time.” Bex was quiet, her gaze fixed firmly on the road again. “What?”
“Abandonment, rejection, not being good enough—take your pick. If she op
ened up to you emotionally even a little, it must’ve been scary as hell. She’s probably second-guessing herself and wondering what to do. Vulnerability and intimacy scare her more than a gunfight. She doesn’t know how to handle it, never had to. I don’t mean to be cruel, and I could be entirely wrong. You know this stuff better than I do.”
Neela shook her head, the enormity of the situation landing squarely in her gut. “You’re not wrong. That explains a lot. What have I done?” If she’d somehow pushed Jordan back to this awful place, she’d never forgive herself.
“We’re getting close. Don’t let her see you so upset. She’ll hate that I told you any of this. She can’t stand being pitied.”
Neela wiped her face and tried to control her churning emotions. The worst place in hell should be reserved for people who abused children, the elderly, and animals. “I’ll be okay.” She wasn’t sure how, but she had to hold it together for Jordan. When Bex pulled up to the old building, Neela almost broke down again when she saw Jordan’s bike parked outside.
“You should probably stay here,” Bex said.
“Like hell I will.”
“The building is about to fall apart. It’ll be rough going with your leg in a cast.”
“I don’t care. I’m going with you. If she’s injured, it’s better if I’m there.”
Bex shook her head again. “You’re as stubborn as Jordan.”
“Thanks. I’ll tell her you said so when we find her.”
“Where do you think we should start?”
“The base—ment.” Neela fought a wave of nausea. “That’s where Brownworth…” It seemed to take forever to negotiate through the rubble and make it to the huge basement door. A large ceiling beam had fallen across the entrance, and it took both of them to push it away. Neela fought back tears as Bex pulled on the heavy door.
“Jordan? Where are you?”
Neela heard a low moan. “She’s in there.” She wedged her hands in the small crack Bex had created, and together they inched the door open. She stuck her head inside and yelled. “Call an ambulance. She’s bleeding.”
Bex dialed. “Shit, there’s no service down here. I’ll be right back.”
Neela squeezed into the opening and fell down beside Jordan. “Can you hear me, Jordan?” When she got no response, she placed her finger over her carotid artery, relieved to feel a faint pulse. “What’s happened, darling?” Neela conducted a preliminary check for injuries. “Talk to me, Jordan. Open your eyes.” She was covered in blood, but it was coming from her shoulder. Neela shucked her sweatshirt, peeled her T-shirt off, and pressed it against Jordan’s shoulder. “Where is the damn ambulance?”
“Should be here any minute,” Bex said. She was in the doorway trying to get it open wider. “Is she…”
“She’s breathing but her pulse is very shallow. She’s lost a lot of blood, and I can’t bring her around.” As a doctor she’d seen far worse, but never on someone she cared about. She struggled to stay calm and be useful.
“Can you help me open the door so they can get the stretcher in?” Neela started toward the door but Bex pointed. “Maybe you should put something on before they get here?”
She looked down at her bra and grabbed her sweatshirt from the floor. “Sorry.” They’d just managed to widen the entrance when she heard voices upstairs. “We’re in the basement. Follow my voice. Hurry.”
In a few seconds, the paramedics flanked Jordan, proceeding through their checks, asking questions Neela couldn’t answer, and loading Jordan onto the stretcher. When they strapped the ties across Jordan’s chest, she started struggling.
“Get off me, you bastard. Leave me alone.”
“Jordan, it’s Neela. You’re all right. It’s the paramedics.”
“Stop. I don’t want this.” Jordan thrashed and strained against the straps all the way out of the building. If she saw Neela at all, she didn’t seem to recognize her.
“Jordan, please. Calm down.” She followed them out, refusing to leave Jordan, and when they loaded her in the ambulance, she climbed in too. “I’m going with her. I’m a doctor, and she’s a police officer. Please hurry. Bex, I’ll see you at the hospital.”
On the interminable ride, Neela tried to calm Jordan and reassure her that she was safe, but she slipped in and out of consciousness, battling with the paramedic. She’d probably driven Jordan back to that terrible place, and what demons had been resurrected?
Chapter Seventeen
Neela rested her head on the side of Jordan’s hospital bed, exhausted but unable to sleep. She’d left only briefly during the night to take care of Bina. Every time Jordan moaned or struggled against the restraints on her arms, Neela spoke quietly and soothingly to calm her. But Jordan’s gaze never clearly focused on anything.
“No…don’t…” Jordan mumbled and pulled against the straps. “Let go.” She opened her eyes slightly and scanned the room. Staring into the corner, her eyes bulged and grew wild. Was she sensing ghosts or danger? “Don’t touch me.”
Neela wiped her fevered forehead with a cool cloth. “Jordan, darling, I’m here. It’s Neela. You’re safe.”
Jordan swallowed hard and grimaced. “Neela. Wa—water.”
“Jordan, can you hear me?” She pushed the call button for a nurse and reached for the pitcher of ice chips beside the bed.
“Nee—la? What—”
“Don’t try to talk, darling. You’re safe now.”
“Get out…of these…” She nodded toward the restraints on her arms. “Why?”
“You were trying to pull the IV out of your arm.”
When the nurse came in, she checked Jordan’s vitals and agreed she could have small pieces of ice until the doctor made her rounds, but she wouldn’t release the restraints.
“Heather?” Jordan squinted, trying to place the woman.
“Yep, it’s me, sport. Didn’t expect to see you again so soon. I’ve bandaged that wound for the third time.” She gave Jordan a stern look. “Don’t make me have to do it again. Do you need anything else, Doctor Sahjani?”
“No thanks, Heather.”
Neela fluffed the pillows and helped Jordan sit. “Here.” She raised the plastic spoon full of ice chips to Jordan’s lips. “I’m sorry about the straps, but as soon as the doctor checks you, I’m sure she’ll take them off. You’re much more coherent.”
Jordan sucked on the ice and licked her dry lips. Her breathing leveled, but when she looked at the ties on her arms, she hyperventilated again.
“Jordan, look at me. You’re okay. I’m here and I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear it.”
“Did you go…to…” The agony in Jordan’s downcast eyes and her clenched jaw muscles made it obvious she hated the thought of Neela finding her in the orphanage.
“Bex and I found you. You’d lost a lot of blood. You were very weak.” Neela grabbed her throat, almost choking on the words. She’d come so close to losing Jordan. Where they’d found her made no difference, only that they’d done so in time.
“Never wanted you to know.” Jordan couldn’t meet her gaze.
“I wish you could’ve told me. I want to know everything about you.”
“You don’t. Some things are…I’m ashamed…”
She cupped Jordan’s hand and squeezed. “You don’t need to feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong, but we can talk about that later, if you want.”
“I hate that look of pity in your eyes.”
Neela forced her best smile. “What pity? The only thing you see in my eyes right now is exhaustion, relief, and a healthy dose of nausea.”
“Nausea?”
“I’ve been spending way too much time around Bex and Liz the past two days. They’re in that can’t-keep-my-hands-off-her stage.” Jordan smiled, and some of the tension drained from her face. “Now, you rest. I want you back home soon.”
“Home?”
“With me and Bina. She’s worried about you as well.”
“I don’t belong there.
” Jordan looked out the window and her eyes welled.
“You absolutely do. You’ve been through a lot and we want to help.”
“I won’t be your charity case, Neela. You deserve more.”
“The last thing you are is charity, my darling. Bina and I want you with us. I want you. I’m not trying to pressure you into something you don’t want, but you have to know we care.”
“Oh my God. Does Bina know? Family is so important to her. I’m just an orphan brat.” Jordan’s face distorted with the kind of panic Neela had seen earlier at the orphanage.
“I haven’t told her. You get to decide if and when you tell either of us anything about your past. We just want you to be safe and to know we’re here for you.”
“I can look after myself. Really, it’s probably best if I go to my apartment.”
“And who will take care of us? We need you for the step-and-fetch.” She patted her cast. “I’ll handle the heavy lifting for a while, and Bina will, as usual, direct from the sidelines. You’re a part of our family now, like it or not. Besides, Blue misses you like crazy.”
Jordan laughed at Neela’s animated explanation and rubbed her thumb across the back of her hand. “Thank you.”
“It’s the least I can do. You saved my life, after all.” Jordan’s smile seemed to brighten the stark room just a little.
Jordan wasn’t sure how she’d ended up in the hospital, but it was nice to wake up with Neela at her side. The last thing she remembered was being trapped in the annex. She’d never wanted Neela to know she’d been abandoned like garbage, raised, and abused in an orphanage. The experience defined who she was in so many ways—none of them good. She’d hoped to straighten herself out and eventually approach Neela again. But fate had intervened and dealt her an entirely different hand. Now Neela knew about the orphanage and probably about her abuse. When the center closed, the news had made headlines for days, with some former residents telling their stories to millions on the talk-show circuit for a few dollars.
Jordan had trouble telling her story to one person, unsure if she’d ever get it out that day in Molly’s office. When the time came, could she share what happened with Neela? She couldn’t bear the thought of being regarded as a victim. She’d held on to her anger to remain strong and get through the ordeal, but she was tired of fighting, and the anger tainted anything good. As soon as she was out of the hospital, she’d start reclaiming her life from the memories and the pain.
