by Opal Mellon
Hope sat on a small dresser and clasped her hands on a raised knee. “What were you expecting as an outcome?”
Sean stopped and glared at her. “I don’t know. I’m stupid I guess. I wanted to keep her safe, but now I’m realizing I could really hurt her.”
“Are you sure that’s the problem? Maybe you didn’t really do this to keep her safe. Maybe you did it to get a chance with her.” Hope bit her lip and shook her head. “You might want to think that one over.”
“It’s a little late for that,” he said.
“Maybe you should just tell her, and pursue her like a normal dude.” Hope shook her head and put a finger up to her temple.
“She’s never seen me like that,” he said. “I guess it was easier to just assume she needed me, and that overrode everything else.” He sat across from her and put his head in his hands.
“And now you see she’s fully capable of taking care of herself,” Hope said.
“I don’t think anyone is,” Sean said.
“Even you?” Hope asked. “It’s okay to need someone. It’s the epitome of arrogance to try to make someone need you while insisting you don’t need anyone.”
Sean felt her comment like a dagger. He thanked her and picked up his bag to head out the front door. He bypassed the elevator and took the stairs. He needed the thudding of his shoes, the steady balance of swinging arms, and the rush of hard breathing at the end.
He fled out the stairwell exit and stopped at the dark parking lot. Everything, from the glistening black pavement wet from a night of rain, to the black sky in the distance, seemed cold and unwelcoming. He didn’t want to go to his car, didn’t want to go home. Needed some time to think.
The whole situation had started getting overwhelming, like a video game where the screen moves and tries to crush you if you don’t move fast enough. He thought of places he did want to go: The beach. The dojang. But both needed the car, and he just couldn’t lock himself in with his own thoughts and no room to breathe.
Everything had seemed simpler, if lonelier, before. Calls on Sunday to the family, time at the dojang, reading at home, and of course Nicole’s emails to assure him that he was involved in the world and had at least one friend. Sean crossed the street and walked in the darkness.
Why did he feel that Nicole wouldn’t want him outside of as a protector? Hope said he should pursue her for real. But that seemed impossible. What would she be interested in? He crossed the street and headed in the direction of the nearest beach, which was still about five miles away. He wished it was colder, wished it would rain again.
Sean relished sensation, enjoyed being more aware of what was happening externally rather than internally. But between Nicole and Hope and their displeasure with him today, he felt like he couldn’t keep his finger on his unraveling self-image without searching a bit for the loose thread.
He’d walked for hours when he finally came to a barrier that separated beach from road. He stepped over it easily. His feet sunk into the sand and he didn’t care that his dress shoes would probably be beyond repair after this.
He walked until he had a good enough view of the ocean and sat down, watching it. He slowed his breathing, trying to calm his racing thoughts and feelings, and asked himself the main question of the night. Why had he done all of this in the first place? How selfish was he really?
He’d been bored. He’d been wondering how to take another step with Nicole. He’d been empty. But he could swear that wasn’t all it was. He’d felt something, a yearning, an anxiety, when she talked about hiring a host. But was it really because she was unsafe, or because he felt slighted by being skipped in her options of guys? Perhaps he’d always used her as his ruler of what he wanted in a woman, maybe he’d always wanted to please her, and he’d done all of this as a misguided way to finally do that.
Another navy blue wave crashed on the dark sand. Sean looked up at the dark horizon and the roiling water beneath it. He felt soothed by the sound of crashing waves. There was so little he could control. Someone had once told him the only person you could control was yourself, and he was seeing that now. He needed to stop chasing Nicole and start working on himself. He’d given her too much power in his life. In some ways, no matter how he denied it, he was still that eleven-year-old boy begging to be the hero. Why would she want to be with someone like that, someone she couldn’t respect? If he just took care of himself, tried to be as independent as she was, maybe he could develop a confidence that didn’t depend on her. Then he’d really have something to offer.
He made a decision in that moment. To let her go, so that if she came to him it would be on her own. He pulled up a handful of sand and smiled at it as it fell through the gaps in his fingers. He would tell her everything, and then he’d give her space, emotionally at least. And he’d go to poker night with his friends next week.
Nicole was toweling her hair when she happened to look out of her window to the beach. She saw a man there, sitting in the sand. She looked closer, trying to decide if he needed help, or the police called. Homeless people didn’t often find their way down to this beach, and there were plenty of shelters. Maybe the man was drunk, in which case he was a danger to himself near the ocean like that.
But as she stared at the man, a disturbed feeling came over her, and she could swear he was familiar. Nicole had sharp vision and that build and that hair were—no that was impossible. What was he doing here? Did he know where she lived too? Had he gone insane after she’d acted like such a crazy person at the club tonight? She ran her fingers through her hair, threw on a T-shirt and shorts, and headed downstairs and out towards the beach.
She nearly tripped on the barrier, but continued towards the man. As she got closer, she could see the man’s shoulders rising and falling. Was he crying? No, laughing.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
The man turned to her, handsome and resigned in the moonlight, his face like the face Sean had the day she left him in Idaho.
“What are you doing out here? How did you know where I live?”
“I didn’t. I was just walking,” he said. His eyes moved from her to the road. “What are you doing out this late? It isn’t safe.”
“Oh, but it is for you.”
“My hypocrisies in that area have already been pointed out tonight, thanks.”
Nicole came closer. She wanted to just get everything in the open between them, just get the farce out of the way and talk as friends. “I know it’s you, Sean.”
He froze, and his eyes widened.
“I’ve known since the reception.”
“How?”
“The way you smiled when you saw me.” She sat by him and gave his knee a playful shove. “I’m sorry if you thought this was going to just go on and on, but you’ve always had a certain smile.”
“I see,” He leaned back on his arms. “It was a stupid plan from the start.”
Nicole watched the muscles lengthen and his shirt stretch across his chest. His profile in the moonlight seemed carved in stone, all hard lines.
“I don’t know about it being stupid,” she said. “It was actually pretty well executed.” She watched the ocean, happy to see the detail she usually missed from the window. “Now you can tell me how you ended up in Cali and why you did all of this.”
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said, not making eye contact.
She nodded. “I’m sorry I made it necessary.”
“We’ve both been pretty stupid huh?”
“I guess so,” she said. “Gosh, when we were kids, things were simpler, right?”
“At least we had each other then. At least we were honest,” he said, pulling up sand and throwing it to the side. “It’s easier to need someone when you’re a kid.”
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been okay needing someone.”
Sean shrugged.
The ocean seemed like a shiny, wrinkled reflection of the sky. It tossed and she closed her
eyes to enjoy sea spray on her eyelids. “I think I’m starting to want to depend on someone, but I don’t know how.” She opened her eyes and blinked. “Why did you do all of this? What did you hope to accomplish?”
Sean sucked in his cheeks and tilted his head to the side. “I was trying to figure that out myself tonight. At first I just wanted to protect you. But honestly, maybe I felt passed over when you decided to go straight from jerks to escorts.”
Nicole felt a crease form between her brows. She shouldn’t be surprised; maybe she’d known this all along. After all, why would a man go so far for her if he didn’t want something?
“Before you accuse me of being like everyone else who is just trying to trick and use you, you should know that I never wanted anything in return for being your friend. It’s not that I did everything because I wanted more. It’s just that the more I’m around you, the more I want. But I can live without it, as long as we are friends. Can we still be friends?”
She nodded, her jaw tight.
“But I’m not going to chase you,” he said. “And I’m not going to protect you anymore, not unless you ask me to.”
That was new. So now he would abandon her? Simply because he wanted more than she did?
“There are things I’ve been neglecting,” he continued. “Things that would make me a more well-rounded person, the kind of man that a woman would want to be with,” he said. “I’m going to get back to those things, and stop trying to interfere in your life.”
“I see.”
“To answer your earlier question, I moved to Cali when Master Peterson wanted help opening a dojang here. It was a good opportunity, but I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was stalking you.”
She considered it, then nodded. “Will you still come to the club?”
“Yes,” he said. “I’ve made friends there, and I think it’s been a good learning place for me. Hope kind of confronted me tonight.”
“Really?” Nicole asked. This new, honest Sean was easier to talk to and trust, even if he had just admitted to lying to her and wanting more from her than she was ready to give. But he was willing to go without it, even as he admitted he wanted it. That took bravery. More than she had ever had. Somehow he had become stronger than her. She wished she could be like him, so willing to want something you might never have.
“What did she confront you about?”
“What else? You.” He buried both hands in the cool sand. “She thought maybe I was lying to myself about what I wanted.”
“They knew?” Nicole asked.
“Yes,” he said. “They found out when I acted weird around you on your first visit to the club.
“I remember that. You were so awkward.”
“I know,” he said. “I think the club is improving my social skills. Plus it might be a way to meet ladies.”
She laughed. “I don’t know if those are the ladies you want to meet.”
“Ooh, are you going to pretend to be a woman who hires escorts to protect me?”
“Excellent idea, but no,” she said. “I know you can take care of yourself.”
“Touché.”
They sat in silence for a moment, enjoying the sound of the waves.
“I love the ocean. I’ve always wanted to come out here at night,” Nicole said.
“You live near here?” Sean asked. “Ritzy.”
“My aunt does. No way could I afford rent here. I was shocked when I saw you out on the beach.” Nicole thought of the other night, when she’d imagined walking on the beach with him. “Want to walk for a bit?”
“I walked all the way here,” he said. “I’m too tired.”
“Seriously? Can I give you a ride home?”
“You know, that’d be nice.” He stood and brushed sand off his pants, and Nicole did the same. He turned to walk back to the street, but stopped when he realized she wasn’t following. She was watching him, her arms wrapped around her.
“Sean, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the answer you wanted. I’m sorry I skipped over you. I’m just not ready.” She looked down at the sand. “We’ll still be friends after this, right?”
“Of course,” he said, walking back to her. “In fact, I think we’ll be better friends now.”
“How?”
“We’re being honest with each other, and we can see each other in person,” he said. “I think that’s how friendship is supposed to be anyway. It’ll be like when we were kids.”
“I see,” Nicole said. She had needed to hear that. No expectations. She wobbled on the sand and he held out a hand. She almost turned it down, and then decided to grab it. It surrounded hers with warmth.
“Just like old times, right?” He grinned and pulled her along.
“I don’t remember holding hands then.”
“Well, we didn’t have a beach in Idaho with treacherously soft sand.”
She smiled and squeezed his hand. He squeezed it three times and she looked up at him curiously.
“You are supposed to do it four times back,” he said. “Didn’t anyone show you that as a kid?”
“No.” She said. “Why three and then four?”
“Three is ‘I love you,’ four is ‘I love you too.’”
She blushed. “That’s silly.” His hand was warm and large in hers and she felt proud that while she hadn’t been able to say it back, she had at least been able to accept his feelings. They reached the road.
“It’s late. I’ll just go get my keys if you wait here. I’ll just be a minute.”
She unlocked the front door and slipped in, struck by how much had changed tonight. She hoped they would both be this mature with things tomorrow, when they both woke up alone with their own conclusions.
Chapter Six
Nicole watched Sean laugh at one of Justin’s jokes and noticed he had dimples. For some reason it made her ache a bit. Thoughts about being with someone like him tried to creep around in her head when she wasn’t guarding against them. But a foggy feeling came soon after, reminding her that she was too damaged. Someone like him was not for her. She looked away from Sean and tried to wipe her mind to a clean slate, one that was only thinking of how to spend the next few hours with her friends and the gorgeous boys in the club.
It’d occurred to her, as she’d bonded with the other women, that this could be addictive. The feeling that these men cared for you, were interested by you, and wanted to be around you, no matter how you acted or looked. Sometimes she wondered if this was really helping her adjust to normal men or just helping her hide from them.
Someone said something that made the group laugh, and Nicole looked up, trying to figure out what it was and look interested so as to not give away that she’d been zoning out.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
“You missed it,” a woman named Susan said, putting her hand on Sean’s knee. “What did I even say that was so funny?”
“I don’t remember,” Sean said, putting his arm comfortably over the top of the couch where Susan was sitting. His large shoulders pressed against his purple dress shirt. “I think we’re all a bit punchy tonight.”
Justin put his arm similarly over the top of where Nicole sat. “I gotta say I’m glad you two came clean with each other. It’s a lot more fun like this.”
Nicole and Sean locked eyes for a moment.
“Yeah, it is,” Susan said. “Gosh Nicole, how could you not know it was him? This gorgeous face?”
Nicole shrugged. “He’s a lot bigger than he used to be.”
“But you couldn’t have guessed from the face?” Susan pulled Sean’s face down towards hers.
Nicole’s hands itched. She felt a vein on the side of her temple pounding. “Well I tried to, when I first saw him, but he lied.” Nicole glared at Sean and he raised his hands.
“My bad.” He bumped Susan’s hair as he dropped his hands.
“Stop it, that tickles,” Susan said. She pulled his arm down around her shoulder. “That�
�s better.”
Nicole watched Sean carefully. Why wasn’t he blushing, or trying to move away from her? He simply left his arm there and let his eyes wander around the bar. Nicole didn’t like this new Casanova Sean. But a moment later he excused himself to get a drink, which pulled him out of Susan’s grasp. Nicole felt appeased, then angry at herself for caring what he did with other women. He could do what he wanted.
Sean headed for the drink bar, partly for a drink, partly to get away from Susan. Chuck, one of the longest running hosts, an average looking man with brown hair, was there.
“Can you hand me an apple juice?” Sean leaned on the bar.
“Sure.” Chuck bent to pull one out. “Rough night?”
“You know it,” Sean said. “You know, you could be a bartender with how you read people.”
“I know that if someone wants something stronger than what they usually get, they are probably trying to avoid something. And you always get water.”
“Water is good for you.”
“So is juice.”
“It’s all sugar.”
“You want that apple juice or are you going to whine about it?”
“I want it,” Sean laughed.
Chuck shook his head. “Alright. Well, I’m going get back to my ladies.”
“Thanks again, Chuck,” Sean said. He walked back to the girls with his juice, feeling like a little kid as he tried to poke the tiny straw through the hole. He sat on a different couch facing the women because he didn’t want more awkwardness with Susan. He didn’t want Nicole to think anything was going on there. He frowned. He needed to not worry about that anymore.
“Thanks for asking if we wanted something,” Nicole said, folding her arms and leaning back against Justin.
“Sorry,” Sean replied. “Would you like something? I’m used to you asking if you do.”
“Well, I’d like a juice, Justin,” Nicole said, brushing Justin’s knee with her hand. Sean glared at the offending knee. She should be brushing his knee. He mentally slapped himself for wanting it.
“It would be my pleasure.” Justin stood and saluted.
