by ANDREA SMITH
There was a moment of silence. Donna sensed in every fiber of her being that she didn’t want to hear what was coming next. She already felt nauseated with what she could no longer deny. How much more could she possibly bear?
“Yes, Donna. My mother is the one that clued us in on Avery. You see, he was counseling her as well. She felt ashamed, and used—she blamed herself and was so afraid she had ruined her marriage. She was desperate that Eddie not find out which was why we put this plan together to destroy Avery. Sunny was afraid that Avery was going to destroy you in the process. She…uh, she shared with me the situation with your miscarriage.”
“Oh no,” Donna said, putting her hand over her mouth. “Gloria slept with my husband?”
Gina looked up quickly, and nodded. “And that’s not all. She was pregnant, too. Avery told her that he was sterile.”
Donna was now rocking back and forth, the sobs she’d been holding back now racked her body. She covered her face with her hands. “My God! Oh my God! How stupid could I have been? But why? Why?”
“I don’t know why. I guess Avery Dawson can fool a lot of people. I don’t think he ever fooled Sunny, though.”
“I…I wish you’d never told me any of this!” Donna screamed. “Some things are better left unknown, don’t you get that?”
Gina’s face hardened with those words. “That’s what I thought, too. I wanted to protect my mother from the gossip and the shame that she’d brought on herself. But that was wrong! I didn’t stand up for Sunny when your husband made up that cockamamie story that every damn person in this town was willing to believe! How freaking pathetic was that?”
Donna wiped her eyes and stood up. “You need to go now, Gina. I need to digest all of this and then think.”
“What’s to think about? Don’t you want your daughter back?” Gina demanded as she stood up and grabbed her backpack.
It was as if Donna hadn’t heard her. “You said your mother was pregnant...”
“Don’t worry. She had an abortion. I went with her for support. But my support ends right here and now. You let me know once you digest all of this and have thought about it. I promise that I will help you any way I can in getting the evil out of your house, and getting Sunny back home. Do you understand?”
“Yes…yes. Now you run along. Avery will be home soon and I have to start his supper.”
Donna saw Gina to the door. She felt ill. As soon as the door shut behind her, she turned and ran upstairs to the bathroom, where she vomited over and over again until there was nothing left inside of her.
And outside?
Gina knew before she stepped off of the porch of Donna’s tidy home that the woman wasn’t going to do a damn thing to make things right.
Chapter 44
Three months later
Chicago, Illinois
Melissa and I had spent the afternoon walking along the shoreline of Lake Michigan. Early April in Chicago had barely a hint of spring in the air, even though it had officially crossed over several weeks ago.
The chilly winds from the lake effect felt like a total body cleanse with the golden rays of sun streaming down upon us to lessen the impact. And the fact that I was actually in the third largest city in the U.S. made me feel kind of giddy, I admit.
I hadn’t known what to expect Chicago to be like. The truth was, I’d never been north of the Mason-Dixon line prior to moving to Point Loma, and I wasn’t sure if that even counted.
I was amazed at the old buildings, the skyscrapers that dotted the coastline of the lake, and the hordes of people everywhere. The traffic I was used to living in the San Diego area, but it was different here. The pace was faster, the people seemed to be in a rush, the cabbies loved blasting their car horns, and the sounds and smells were potent.
We took the “L” train to Grant Park and walked to the Art Institute, which was a “must do” on Melissa’s laundry list. I hadn’t thought I’d enjoy it, but surprisingly, I was fascinated with the impressionist era paintings. Melissa kept checking her watch and finally dragged me out of there saying that we needed to get some lunch.
“I didn’t know we were on a rigid schedule, Mel,” I teased. “You must be starving to walk out on Kandinsky like that.”
“Whoa, lookie there! The chick is dropping names already. And Jamie thinks culture is a bunch crap. I knew you would totally dig this trip.”
I laughed along with her. The truth was, this was exactly what the doctor ordered to chase away the winter funk I’d been in and, trust me, living in Point Loma where the sun shines most every day, had failed to do the job. But this trip was proving to be therapeutic in so many ways.
“Two blocks down. Best thin crust pizza in Chicago,” Melissa was saying. “My parents swear by it. It’s called Casey’s.”
“Are they from this area?” I asked.
“Yep. We all are. I was still pretty young when we moved to San Diego, but I was actually born at the base hospital just north of Chicago. My father was over the Training Support Center at Great Lakes Naval Base until he was promoted and transferred to the naval base in Coronado, so I don’t remember much of anything about this area, but it’s pretty cool, huh?”
“It is definitely cool,” I replied.
We’d placed our pizza order and I had just come back to our table from the Ladies Room when I saw him.
Michael Gardner. The man who had once been my father…until he wasn’t.
I immediately sensed a setup and, to be honest, my first instinct was to turn around and get the hell out of the place. Melissa was instantly on her feet, and came to where I’d stopped in my tracks.
“Don’t be pissed, Sunny. Jamie arranged this for you. You need to talk to him.”
“Why?” I asked, not bothering to hide my anger. “What the hell can he possibly say to me after all of these years?”
She looked me dead in the eye. “I don’t know. Maybe nothing. But maybe you have something to say to him, in which case, he needs to hear it.”
I stared at her. What the hell had Jamie been thinking?
“Look, go sit with him. Give him five minutes. You both have something to say. Now’s your chance. I’ll give you some privacy.” She turned and went back towards the restrooms.
I released a sigh. She was right. I did have something to say to him.
“Well, if it isn’t my long last Daddy,” I said, sitting down across from him at the small wooden table in the corner. “I must be special.”
I was putting a lot more attitude into my voice that wasn’t really there. This man had, for all intents and purposes, been my father. He had left me because at some point, he apparently had discovered we weren’t tied by blood. How was that supposed to make me feel?
“Sunshine,” he said, his eyes flickering over me, “you’ve grown into a beautiful young woman.”
“Is that it? Is that all I get after what—eight years?”
His expression changed. Was that regret I saw in his dark brown eyes?
“I’m sorry. I really am. When I heard from Jamie a few months back, I knew what a horrible mistake I’d made in not answering the letter you sent me more…appropriately.”
“So, that’s the only regret you have?” I asked, putting a lock of hair behind my ear as I looked him squarely in the eyes.
“No, of course not. I’m ashamed of how I left. I was just so damn angry. So humiliated to find out—”
“That I wasn’t your daughter,” I finished. “Yeah, that much I figured out once I saw a copy of the divorce papers and then of course, your note back to me directing me to discuss this with Mama. I mean, shit, didn’t you think I would’ve asked her before bothering you with my question?”
“I’m sorry. I copped out on you then just like I did eight years ago. It was a shitty thing to do. You deserved better than that, Sunny.”
“I sure as hell did.”
“It was a complicated situation with you being so young and all.”
“And I suppose the parental love you had si
mply vanished, just like that?”
“No,” he replied tersely, “That was the hard part. But what could I do? Stick it out with your mother and pretend the lie I’d been living with her didn’t matter? It was a matter of trust, Sunny. A marriage can survive a lot, but once the trust is shattered there’s nothing left—at least there wasn’t for me. I’m not that guy. And the love for her vanished right along with it. The truth put me in an impossible situation and, as much as it hurt, I couldn’t remain a part of your life.”
I considered his words. “You didn’t even say goodbye,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “At least you could’ve done that.”
A sigh escaped him. He ran his hand through his now salt and pepper hair that was still thick and wavy, just as I remembered. “You’re right. If I’d have been a better man, I would’ve found some way to explain it to you, but I wasn’t so I didn’t. But I’m apologizing now, and your brother filled me in just a bit on your predicament.”
So that’s what this was…a predicament?
“Listen, Sunny, I’ll tell you what I know, but please understand, I don’t have all the answers you want.”
I nodded. “Anything helps. Mama’s told me nothing. Worse yet, she’s become someone I don’t even know anymore.”
He gave me a stiff smile. “I know the feeling. Donna always could be a chameleon. Perfect at adapting various personas for her own purpose. So, here goes. I met Donna when she was waitressing at a truck stop on Highway 10. You remember that I was a long haul driver, right?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Well thankfully, I no longer have to do that. I bought my own trucking company and have a fleet of trucks that cover short and long haul routes. But back then I was a simple trucker, spending most of my days and nights on the road, living in the sleeper cab on my rig. I met your mother on a route I ran once or twice a month. We hit it off. She seemed, I don’t know, kind of sweet, even naive. But I learned too late it was simply a façade.”
“I don’t understand,” I interrupted, “Mama has always seemed like…well, like Mama—that is, until Avery came into her life.”
He gave me a wry smile, as he folded his hands on top of the table. “I knew her before you, remember darlin’?”
For the first time, I returned his smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. So, I guess neither of us ever really knew Mama. Funny, but I wonder if she even knows who she is?”
He shrugged thoughtfully. “She never really talked much about her past. She only said she had nobody but Jamie. Didn’t even talk about his father at all. That subject was off-limits I guess. So, anyway, after a few months of me spending time with her whenever I could get a few days off, we got engaged. Man, I spent a month’s salary on that ring. She showed it off to everyone, I mean everyone that came into that truck stop,” he said with a laugh. “And me? I was pulling every trip I could get my hands on at the terminal. I drove for almost two months straight without seeing her.”
“Why?”
“Because she said we couldn’t get married until we could afford a house of our own. Said she was tired of living in that dumpy trailer park. So, me being in love, I wanted to give her everything I possibly could. We talked maybe two—three times a week by phone while I was racking in the bucks to be able to buy her that house in Layton. We got married on Valentine’s Day in 1962. And after our honeymoon, I carried your Mama across the threshold of that damn house.”
We were interrupted as our pizza arrived. I’d forgotten about Melissa and quickly looked around the room for her, finally spotting her sitting at the bar drinking a beer. She saw me and waved me off. I excused myself from Michael Gardner, taking a couple of slices of the pizza over to her.
“How’s it going?” she asked, her eyes searching mine. “I don’t want to interrupt your conversation. I think it’s a good thing, Sunny.”
“It’s going okay. But you’re gonna eat some of this pizza you were so hell bent on ordering,” I replied, setting the plate with the slices in front of her.
“Thanks. Now get back there. Take your time. Talk it out.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “You and my brother…I swear.”
“It’s cause we love you,” she called after me as I returned to the table to resume our conversation. For the first time, I finally felt like I might be getting some answers for the questions I had.
An hour later, while I didn’t have all the answers, I did have more information than before. Michael Gardner explained to me that shortly after their marriage, Mama had discovered she was pregnant with me. Apparently, I was born six weeks early—but otherwise healthy. All was well until Gloria Margolis moved back to Layton. She and my mother had been friends previous to Gloria moving to New Jersey. It had surprised Michael that Mama hadn’t been pleased at all when she moved back.
Then, one day, he overheard a conversation he wasn’t supposed to hear. He’d arrived home early from a run just as Gloria slammed out of our house pulling Gina behind her.
“What was that about?” he had asked her.
“Just Gloria trying to stir up her usual crap. She’s such a drama queen, always accusing me of this or that! I swear, hanging around with her was nothing but trouble! Now she’s sunk to blackmail!”
“So, did you ever find out what it was about?” I asked, feeling as if finally, some inkling of the truth was finally going to be out in the open.
“Sort of,” he replied, “But not from your mother. “I went to see Gloria at the beauty shop where she was working. I only wanted to warn her about upsetting Donna. I didn’t go there to make things worse, but that’s exactly what I did. Apparently, your mother wasn’t comfortable having Gloria back in town, so she’d set out to make her miserable enough to leave. She’d been calling Gloria’s ex, telling him that Gloria was having a hard time readjusting in Layton. Told him that a parade of men was going in and out of her house. Said that she’d been carrying on like some floozy in front of their daughter. I’m not sure what Donna thought she would accomplish. I don’t know, maybe she thought Gloria would be shamed into going back to Steven, but that was not going to happen. Steven started proceedings to get custody of their daughter, and Gloria Margolis was not going to let that happen. She wanted Donna to tell her ex the truth, or she was going to tell me the truth…about you.”
I shifted in my chair, and waited for him to continue. I could feel my hands shaking.
“I mentioned before how much I was out on the road. A lot right before we got married. Gloria’s husband Steven had been working a job that took him to New Jersey for a couple of weeks out of the month. He’d left right before Christmas that year, and wasn’t going to be back until the second week of January. Gloria was pissed about him being gone over the holidays, so she talked Donna into going to some big party out of town. Of course, I was out on the road, so she agreed to go with Donna.
“Apparently, Gloria hooked up with a guy there, and left Donna to her own devices. I guess your Mama got pretty wasted, and didn’t see Gloria again until around dawn the next day. She’d told Gloria she’d been raped. The bottom line: the man who raped your Mama is your father, not me. And the fact that I had to hear it from Gloria Margolis was the icing on the cake.”
I finally released the breath I’d been holding. It didn’t tell me anything at all. “So, Gloria was using that to blackmail Mama?”
He nodded. “But the blackmail worked both ways. Your Mama had told Gloria when she’d found out she was pregnant that if she ever told anyone the truth about what had happened on New Year’s Eve at that party, she would make damn sure she let Steven know that she’d cheated on him with another guy at that same party. But since Gloria had divorced Steven, it was no longer a viable threat, and she wasn’t about to let Donna continue with her lies and risk losing her daughter. So, she ended up telling me when I went to see her.”
“Oh my God,” I replied. “What a mess. What a freaking mess.”
“Honey,” he said, placing his hand over mine, “I
made it a bigger mess. I was so angry. I felt so duped that I didn’t stop to think about you—and about the genuine love I had for you despite your Mama. But I just couldn’t picture having to deal with her in the future in order to maintain a relationship with you. I’m so sorry.”
“But wait—you weren’t at my baptism. Gloria was there, but not you. Why?”
His brow furrowed in confusion. “Hell, Sunny, I never even knew you’d been baptized. Where?”
“At the Catholic Church in town. Mama even went so far as to let her current husband think the Catholic priest was my father. I just don’t get it. I don’t get her,” I snapped.
He once again shook his head. “Apparently she did that on the sly. Probably when I was out on the road. But I decided long ago that your mama was sick. Something with her has never been right. I don’t know, maybe something in her childhood is to blame. She never talked about that at all. But the important thing, Sunny, is not to allow any of that to define you. You and your brother are better people than Donna could ever be. I want you to remember that, okay?”
I looked over at him. “It’s not easy. But, hey, I do appreciate your taking the time to see me and at least explain what happened, Michael.”
He studied my face for a moment before speaking. “I know I don’t have a damn right to say this, and you can rip into me if you want, but I’d like you to call me ‘Dad’ again. And I promise that after today, if you want to of course, I’d like for us to try to repair the damage I caused.”
I was filled with apprehension. Obviously, trust didn’t come easy for me what with all I’d been through. Why now?
“Why now?” I asked.
“That’s a fair question,” he replied. “Although, I hope you don’t find my answer cowardly.”
“I’m listening.”
He took a calming breath, and folded his hands. “It’s human nature to love your offspring unconditionally, I know. That’s simple biology for survival of the species. The whole bonding thing, whatever. But when I found out…well, when I learned the truth, it wasn’t as if you simply stopped being my little girl, you know?”
